Is this normal? Or does DH just not fancy me.

[Beatlebum]

I was sat in a cafe earlier and overheard a group of women charting. One of them made a quip about how irritating she found it in the mornings when her parter cuddled up to her and got an erection, all the others started laughing and saying similar things, how annoying when you are just having a kiss/cuddle and they want more.

In the 18 months I've been with dh (married for two months) this has never happened. He hugs me in bed, he's never got an erection. When we do have sex, it takes a lot of me touching him, me giving oral for him to get hard. He likes to be the one to initiate. I have tried to touch him to initiate sex and he hates it. He tells me to get off, asks me what the hell I think I am doing, even says 'stop trying to rape me'.

He's very loving towards me, cuddling, kissing, holding hands but we only make love once or maybe twice a week. When we do, he bearly touches me, he kisses me, may have a half hearted fondle for a few seconds but then it's all about him (me giving him oral, then me going on top until he's done).

I asked him for oral sex recently (he did it the first couple of months we were together) and he did, but after literally five seconds stopped and said I'd moved violently and bashed his chin. So he stopped and told me that it had put him off sex all together that night. He did it in a way which made me feel pretty humiliated.

I've asked him to use his hands on me, but he is so rough and obviously bored to death by it, and makes such a big deal about having dirty hands afterwards that it makes me feel like I'm filthy.

I have to ask him to undress me when we make love - he'd be happy to just pull my bottoms down and leave me fully dressed. A while ago, I bought some sexy underwear to try and get him interested. He didn't even take off my jumper let alone anything else so didnt even notice.

I bought a vibratorto use together, he used it with me but started laughing at me saying i looked stupid. I've never felt so small.

I've spent all morning in tears. I feel sexually rejected enough anyway, but since hearing that conversation I now feel really bad about myself. I don't think he fancies me. I though that anyway to be honest (although he's always telling me im gorgeous, hugging me out of nowhere) but now I feel awful hearing normal women talk about thier love lives.

I fancy dh rotten, but I have managed to stop myself getting turned on because sex rarely happens. If we have a kiss/cuddle in bed 9 times out of ten he will stop and not want to take it further. I've stopped myself getting turned on because I hate laying there feeling so frustrated. So, when he does want to make love I am obviously now fining it painful as he doesn't touch me first and I have a block about feeling turned on just incase.

Before I met dh I was married to someone else for ten years in a totally sexless marriage, I was celibate for my entire 20's, and before that I had only had very short term relationships, so this is my first experience of having a 'proper' sexual partner, so I dont know what's normal? I don't have any friends close enough to ask either.

So as not to drip feed, he used to have a serious porn habit in his teens/early 20s (hes now 28 and im 32) but doesnt watch it anymore. I often wonder if that's caused this.

I have no experience to go on but I really can't see him changing. I hope some more experienced MNers will prove me wrong though!

Actually having re-read your OP, I'm just furious. Telling you you look stupid during sex and that his hand is dirty when it's been inside you and that you are 'raping' him is just... unacceptable, OP. Don't let him take away your natural, healthy enjoyment of a natural, healthy, bonding experience (it should be).

HE is the one with the problem, HIM HIM HIM. If he won't accept that, apologise and get help then I'd be inclined to say that however great he is a stepfather and flatmate, he is a dangerous partner because he has annihilated your self-esteem. On purpose.

He may well have other sex issues.

It seems to me that he is using you as he did porn.
When he wanted it and for his satisfaction only.

In that way he needs counselling, not couples'.

There I also the issues about never being in the wrong and being condescending.

Tbh, I suspect you still have your rose tinted glasses. It has only been 18 months.

I do hope that talking will help, but ultimately I doubt it, unless he takes upon himself to sort out his issues.

Has he got a sort of Madonna/Whore complex? Does he feel like he can't do certain things with you because he loves you?

All I know is that it's not you poppet

It sounds a horrible mess and will be killing your soul the longer it goes on. It's not even the frequency, it's the way the sex happens - sounds totally joyless.

I would suggest counselling either for him or both of you.

I had a bf like this for 2 years when I was 17. It totally killed my self esteem. In my case I later found out it was because he was an alcoholic and was ashamed he couldn't get it up. He used to sneak out of bed and wank in the toilet.

Don't know why I shared that.

He stopped using porn because his last girlfriend made him. He told me they had sex once a month.

Right. Off to sort out my marriage over a curry. Wish me luck. Thanks again, today would have been hell without this.

Will update tomorrow.

Take care Beatle xx

Bitofastate - I'm glad you shared it. It is a valid experience, though awful for you. I think Beatle's self esteem has been wrecked by her H as yours was. I hope you feel better about yourself since moving on from that relationship.

I personally think porn cannot be the sole cause here. Lots of men watch a lot of porn in their teens and early twenties- and they don't have a problem with their partners initiating sex, or call women dirty, or make them feel unattractive.
So yeah maybe porn could have contributed to it but I would advise you, considering he apparently no longer watches it and hasn't for years, to look deeper than that.

I knew a similar man....he turned out to be gay. This is a real possibility by the sound of it OP. MANY men can't face it but are gay.

I think 'oh he's gay' is in many ways easier to cope with than 'porn has the potential to permanently warp, forever, people's minds, expectations and attitudes to intimacy and women'.

OP's DH might be gay, he might be damaged by porn, he might just be a nasty man. But porn IS dangerous. It's hard to come to terms with and as someone whose DH does sometimes use porn, and the mother of sons, that scares me. But MN and various studies have opened my eyes.

Sorry OP my initial instinct was gay too.

If it was a straightforward case of him not finding you attractive then why would he have committed to marriage so quickly?

I agree with those who say he may be gay but won't accept it.

I have known a few gay men very well...my ex being one! )he is out now and very happy...we were 22 when we met...no marriage OR DC luckily) One thing I noticed with a particular TYPE of gay man...(not all by any means) was a sort of disgust related to female genitalia...and a natural distaste of thinking of sex with a woman.

in a similar way to the way SOME straight men react to the thought of sex with a man.

Your DH's "Stop trying to rape me" was what made me think he might be gay...

The fact that he was attracted to you...and you not having much sexual experience also makes me think twice. Remember that not all gay men are effeminate either...some of the most manly men I have known are gay.

sorry I think he is gay too.

regardless, the making YOU feel ashamed of your normal sex drive, ridiculing and humiliating you for normal adult behaviour is completely horrible.

I have been with my DP for 18 months. We have an active loving intimate relationship and he has never,ever made me feel dirty, humiliated or ashamed abut our sexual relationship. That's normal.

I'm so sorry OP, but I think here are big big problems here

I really think he might be gay, based on the details you have shared.

With due respect, you can't possibly know for sure that he isn't. Some gay men manage to stay married for years, have children. And if you haven't had a lot of sexual experience, it will be even harder for you to suss out.

I think you should insist on some kind of joint counseling, if he won't go then you should go yourself so you can get support while you decide what you want to do about this.

lemon you're right of course....when I was with my secretly gay partner, I felt like a freak for wanting sex...he wasn't nice to me at all during our relationship. It was awful tbh. A lot of it was him living a lie...he was very unhappy...not excusing him of course but imagine hiding who you are for years.

look i have every sympathy with gay men who are scared of coming out but that is no excuse for abuse.

Exactly carer, exactly.

I think he may be gay too OP. Whatever the reason for his behaviour, there is no excuse for it. Furious for you. Appalling way to treat anyone, let alone your spouse.

Well I said that too carer

No excuse at all...I am merely offering some anecdotes....things to compare. MY partner was shit to me...horrid...and I said "not that this is an excuse of course."

He's treating you very cruelly. It is NOT you.

There are 2 issues here: 1. his obvious sex hangups, and 2. the fact that he deals with these hangups by humiliating and hurting you.
I think no. 1 may be fixable, but no. 2 probably isn't.

How does he deal with other difficult situations, e.g. when he needs to apologise or compromise?

Oh god, well I'm sat on the sofa sobbing.

I can't do this anymore. Dinner was great. We talked. He understood everything or so I though. Said when we got home he was going to make love to me.

Got in, kissing, everything great. Went to bed, started undressing. He said Wait there I need the loo. So I sat on the end of the bed. He came in, said I'm tired, let's go to sleep.

I said in I thought you wanted to make love to me? He started shouting, saying by waiting for him (like he told me to do) I was putting pressure on him. I asked why was he doing this, why didn't he want me and he said I was mental. Started calling me crazy. Said he was drunk (shared 1 and a half bottles of rose wine).

He said he had no space. That everynight he wants to go to sleep and that it. I'm crazy, I put pressure on him.

I don't know what to do.

It's not me. It's normal to want to make love to the person you are married too.'it's him. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him. I cook for him, dO his washing, i have given him everything. I love him, my heart is breaking.

I still don't think he's gay.

He's just a massive wanker with some serious fucking issues.

oh darling. i am so sorry. how disappointed you must be feeling.

you're right. there is nothing wrong with you, with wanting to be close to him. there is something very wrong in this situation and it has nothing to do with you at all.

he is a wanker yes.

he's gaslighting you, insulting you, belittling you and making you feel shit for something that is normal, natural, loving and good.