Can things be worse than before ..really?

[imdoingthis]

I left ex with our dc been 5 months away from him, I feel that maybe the break will have made him see how how unhappy I was, maybe he will see now and change because he can see what hes lost?
I feel like its been long enough,I miss him I miss my old life, i feel sorry for him I know its silly I dont want anyone else to be in my place even i it was not a good place
maybe this makes no sence at all feeling lost but this feels right?

I have been in recent seminar about human responses in a stressful situation. There's the flight (avoid) and fight, being alert (not responding, but being aware of our surroundings and waiting for an event to respond), but also to freeze.

Freezing is when we can't react, even though we know we should. It's like our brain knows what to do but our body doesn't respond.
They suggested that to get out of the freeze response we need a strong emotional stimulus.
And they suggested that having something that we can recall and provokes such strong emotional response may help the process of breaking it.
We should find in ourselves what could trigger that response. It could be thinking of our children in distress, for example. It doesn't have to be something related to the event, but only that "lights up our brain".

I haven't tried it (as in used it), but maybe you could and see if it helps?

I have found this, for example www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/freeze-response.htm

and they mention specifically:
"In short, it shares a great deal in common with 'going into shock.'
This kind of freezing is common among abuse victims who have been 'groomed.'"
Sound familiar? :(

Other relevant sites suggesting that "freezing" is a valid response:
www.stressstop.com/stress-tips/articles/fight-flight-or-freeze-response-to-stress.php

In your case, "playing dead" has served you "well" throughout your relationship, because it has allowed you to "survive". Your brain is trained in that path.
The trick is how to change it, because you are in control now.
Maybe you can replay possible scenarios in your mind and "practice" what you would do and how you would respond?

Some other interesting sites:

This about cancer patients: www.cancernursing.org/forums/topic.asp?TopicID=429

This proposes using freezing in a controlled way (freeze framing) to achieve emotional stability: www.buildfreedom.com/tl/tl12.shtml Here they propose a strong positive emotional response to neutralise the negative emotional initial response.

For example, when meeting (or thinking of) your ex you could recall one particular occasion when you felt very happy without him.

If you go back, it WILL get worse. It will start off at OK. It will rapidly decline to as it was when you left, then it will plummet to the abyss of hell.

You will have by then have handed over your DC to SS, so there will be little point in saving yourself. This guy could very well kill you, or you'd get to a point where you see no further point in living and do the deed yourself.

You are out, your kids are out, you all have a chance of a decent normal life, your children too, don't blow it. Hold tight, dig deep and you will get there. It's like giving up fags.

lieji that's really helpfull thanks, never thought why I freeze before, just do it's like pretending it's not happening almost.

happy it's sounds bad when you write it like that,would I really loose my dc? Why carnt he just be nice and not angry all the time.

My love, you said yourself that if you go back to him Child Protection will come into it.

that in itself is enough to keep you away. No. Matter. What.

He can't be nice, because he isn't nice. He is only 'nice' when he is trying to get something. it's that simple.

PLEASE get onto the Freedom Programme, in the meantime please read Living with the Dominator, it's the book that the Programme runs from. When you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT, by Lundy Bancroft, you will see that nothing about any of this is to do with you, not a single bit. It's all about his power and his control.

He is hitting you now. He WILL HIT THE KIDS. Maybe not now, but he WILL, as soon as they start standing up for themselves, pushing boundaries, as ALL kids do.

This is the most dangerous time for an abused woman, the adrenaline of it all has worn off and now you are lost in the void. scared to go forward, worried about making mistakes that he'll punish you for.

Newsflash love, he won't punish you, not ever if you stay away from him. YOU need to live, your DC need to live. If you keep them in this, they will know no different and in 15-20 years time you will see your own children either as victims or as abusers. It will break what is left of your heart, proividing you are still actually alive.

The relationship you escaped from was a life threatening one. 2 women a week are murdered by their partners, he's already on bail, he has no respect for you OR the law. What will stop him next time?

Get yourself away from him, your DC away from him and never look back. You will get through this, you will recover, but not without help, not without work.
YOU are worth that. YOUR KIDS are worth that kind of work to make their mother into a happy, free and healthy mum.

happy everything you said I agree with
I have read the laudy book
I have my name down for freedom programe
I have LOADS of help now (it took time)
That's why I wonder what's wrong with me because all this information is in my head, but reminding me is SO SO helpfull, really.
I asked my support worker to slap me this week into reality , wake me up!
What is wrong with me? Is this normal I want to slap myself sigh ..

Yes it's normal! Doesn't mean it's right to listen to tho! Feel it, think it through, remind yourself of the truth; why you left, and come ask us. We'll keep you on the straight and narrow!

(((hugs)))

It's just that old habit of normalising, with a pinch of us feeling unworthy of love/good.

Everyone goes through this, and at about this time. It's a stage. You'll get through it. We're here to help.

Come over to the EA support thread whenever you doubt yourself/wobble.

I still have my moments too. This is a journey that took a long time to bring us here, it's a fair old way back too.

You can do the freedom programme online here: www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

He doesn't hit you because he loves you and is unable to show it in any other way; he hits you because he hates you - and he hates all women, not just you.

He doesn't have much time for men either and that's because he only has time for himself. In his eyes he can do no wrong; he's always right, his way is the only way, and he's contemptuous of others.

Because he can't relate to the the world around him, he created his own world and populated it with you and the dc. He sees you and the dc as his creations, his creatures. In effect, he's made himself your god and he's an angry, jealous, god who demands absolute obedience from his worshippers.

He's amoral. He doesn't have a conscience and he's incapable of feeling remorse. Any promises he may make to change will always be false. Within minutes of the words coming out of his mouth, he'll turn it back to a self-pitying rant because, in his mind, he's the one that's hard done by and you've done him wrong by leaving him.

If you were to go back to him he will make you suffer for your act of disobedience for the rest of your life and, as you've been told, you will lose your dc.

They'll go into care and, once full care orders have been obtained by ss, the younger ones will be put up for adoption. If this comes to pass, should continue to have more dc while living with this man they'll be taken away from you at birth.

Presumaby he's on bail for assaulting you? If he's been charged with assault the case will be heard in the Magistrates Court and you're best advised to resist any temptation to prevail on the police to drop the charge(s) because, as I've made clear on numerous occasions, this man poses a very serious risk to you. Once he comes to the realisation that he can no longer control you, he will be a danger to other vulnerable women.

Stop protecting him and start protecting yourself and the dc by speaking out about what he's done to you. Once you put the information 'out there' you'll be enabling the authorities to deal with him as he should have been dealt with many years ago.

If he were to get a prison sentence it will be no more than poetic justice, although it's unlikely to be as long as the sentence you served in his prison.

He's far from being the big man he thinks he is and the law is your only hope of having him cut down to size and rendered powerless to inflict any more damage on you or the dc.