Can things be worse than before ..really?

[imdoingthis]

I left ex with our dc been 5 months away from him, I feel that maybe the break will have made him see how how unhappy I was, maybe he will see now and change because he can see what hes lost?
I feel like its been long enough,I miss him I miss my old life, i feel sorry for him I know its silly I dont want anyone else to be in my place even i it was not a good place
maybe this makes no sence at all feeling lost but this feels right?

'outlined above' is now 'outlined on page 4'

OP, your posts have made me think about Tina Nash - google her name if you aren't familiar with the case, it was very shocking, her abusive partner did awful things to her and left her blind. I won't go into too much detail. But these quotes resonate I think:

"The victim said there were previous occasions when she helped Jenkin get out of trouble for hurting her.

"I have done so much for him and this is how he repaid me."

Explaining why she could not walk away from the relationship, she said: "I thought I could change him and help him.

"I thought he was getting better."

After the attack she says "He was blaming me, saying, ?It?s all your fault ? I am going to do years for this"

She kept letting him come round, she lied to the police, she withdrew charges etc. She has said she wants people in DV situations to 'get out now, it's not going to get better'.

Sorry to be harsh but it is beginning to sound like you care a lot about this guy, to the detriment of your children, even if you want to care more about your children than him.

The fact remains you cannot, at the moment, control your emotions and I think your children do need to be in social care or at least, social services need to get involved so that someone has the children's best interest as their primary priority... instead of having the children's interest struggling with your needs to be controlled.

Get your children to a safe place. It could be the kick up the proverbial you need to get your mind back into gear?

cross I have said simlar to those quotes
He's told me it's all my fault, look what you made me do, I'm going to get years for this, he said once I'm going to get sent down for making him so angry.
I also thought I could change him, but I now no I carnt do that.
I read her story it's sad, he's not hurt me like that though, not that bad.
izzy that's exactly how I feel about him hitting me, validation he does love me, I know it's crazy, I would not know what to do if I meet a nice man, there was a man carrying his new baby in a baby carrier on his chest, I subconsosly thought what a weak twat of a man, but after I thought why would I think that? He was doing what a dd is ment to do right? He never changed one nappy.

Social care are involved been told if I go back it will go to a child protection plan, my dc don't see this, they didnt know he was here last time.

I'm drowning in his shit again arnt I? I can see it, he's pulling me back under, i need to get help to keep my head above water, I need to do this for my dc.
I love him though,I'm hurting at the thought of not seeing him or at getting him into trouble, I'm so confused
I'm torn

Your kids aren't blind, deaf and dumb. They must guess where your bruises come from and when they hear shouting, they wisely stay put in bed and pretend to sleep.

We were all kids once too.

x-post sorry. One thing you need to get straight in your head:

You do NOT LOVE this man.

you depend on him. not the same emotion.

Yeah I see what you mean how do I break that, it's a strong force pulling me to him feels like I love him but I kinda get what you mean.

The good news is that you're questioning your feelings. Understanding why you're feeling the way you are is a good 50% of the way to deciding to change. You can't help how you feel a lot of the time but you can help what you think & do. Your response to the dad with the baby carrier is proof that being away from your ex's bad influence means you're starting to think for yourself.... you're developing your own opinions and standards. All I can say to you is that the longer you stay away, the more this will happen and the more you'll reject the past.

That's made me think, I am looking at things differently and noticing things about 'normal' life outside.

I used to think other people were odd and our family was 'normal' iykwim.

I need help breaking these feelings I have for him, I know he's no good for me or dc, he is addictive.

1. You have NO feelings for this man. You have a dependency on authority.
2. He is not addictive. You are addicted to control. This means that if you eventually leave this guy and keep your addiction to control, you will find some other guy to control you.
3. You therefore have no feelings to break

You are therefore on a wild goose chase looking for a way to break those feelings since they are not there.

Whenever you feel the need for this guy, tell yourself one thing: "I am craving control again". The pain you feel is NOT love. It is you going cold turkey.

Yes it hurts not to have what you are addicted to. Most ex-alcoholics will testify to that. You actually have to want to overcome an addiction to get past the cold turkey.

Try what other addicts do: Meditation, counselling, exercise. but stay active and outside and stop thinking about it whenever you catch yourself doing it. Your mind is currently a dangerous place to be and like all minds, no matter how stupid you think you are, it is extremely complex and powerful.

Do not stay in your mind thinking for too long. It is not the right place for you at the moment. And please keep your children safe. They are paramount in this story.

You don't love him any more than he loves you.

You love what he brainwashed you into believing he gives you: security, protection, the familiarity of the devil you know.

He's a pervert and he fed you his perverted view of the world where any man who shows affection for a dc that isn't a pubescent female is a twat; and he only shows affection when there's something in it for him.

He also corrupted you sexually to the extent that you now believe only a pervert like him would want a pervert like you.

Can you not see how he exploited your feelings of unworthiness and has made you feel more unworthy in order to make you completely dependent on him, completely subservient to him?

You're not living with him and you're protected by a non-mol and his bail conditions.

He's not pulling you back under; you're not making any effort to swim away from him mentally or emotionally because it's much easier to keep telling yourself 'I lurvve him, I need him' than throw yourself wholeheartedly into making a new life for yourself and the dc, isn't it?

Have you tried the Freedom Programme yet? I would really recommend you start there.

"I used to think other people were odd and our family was 'normal' iykwim"

That's understandable. But the baby-carrier moment shows you that there are other ways, better ways. In your shoes I'd be spending time with more of these people that you used to regard as 'odd'. Sign up to some community groups. Get chatting to people. (And you may find it hard if you struggle with self-esteem but it's worth it) Replace the script in your head with a different one. That way you'll have more comparisons, a better idea of what normal looks like, and your ex will consistently fall short.

How could I ever have a 'normal' relationship not sexualy anyway you know that izzy your right my views are probably that twisted because of what he's done to me.
And I am trying I'm not sat here thinking oh well it's easier to just go back, it's not like that but your right to some extent.
I have been fighting to get away for months and I'm tired out.

He never stops until he gets what he wants he always wins.

Your all right about him, I have these moments where I need keeping 'on track'

I have been trying to do the freedom programe but non running for me ATM, WA know I want to do it.

Hello again. lots of good advice above. You don't need a relationship, not for some while I should think. You need to get sorted yourself first. Doesn't look like you got much sleep...

No I don't bother trying anymore pink it doesn't happen!

This is the hardest fucking think I have ever had to do, I'm gutted I have got to do it, it's killing me.

There's some amazing advice thankyou all.
Just need to find the strenghth to stand up to him again, going to be harder now, I think the police are sick of me protecting him.

How are you doing?

trying to gather up the balls to keep him out,I feel I have done the best but I havnt gone back to him fully, I can turn it around but it's going to harder now.I have been so foolish in that he has got away doing what he likes to me, I freeze, brain goes to mush what does he do to my head.
I don't know where my head was in the last few weeks, I feel different today,feel I can see what he's done itms.
I am very frightened, I wish I wasn't on my own in all this.

Feel I have not done the best
It should read.

There are lots of helpful people at all stages of the journey to freedom on the EA thread here

Freezing is a survival mechanism, like fight and flight. However, as you know, you need to avoid the situation in the first place.

I do NLP and there is an exercise where you imagine yourself and the one you wish to disconnect from, see how you are connected (eg by a cord in your mind), then unconnect the connection from them and reconnect it to yourself. Sounds bonkers but works, the mind is a very metaphorical thing...

The freeze thing plays guilt trip on me after though, and gives me doubts as if I didn't fight hard enough back or say enough to stop him itms ?

The cutting cord thing makes sence as I feel I'm physically attached to him even if I havnt seen him for a while, he sucked me into him I felt like we were one person sometimes.

Im thinking back at square one of going back, would this be a big bad fat mistake? Im so tired and worn out it's tempting right now, would I lies my dc if I did ?

Would I loose my dc if I did

The freeze thing is automatic, don't feel guilty about that. The way to deal with it is to keep him out of your life. Of course going back would be a big fat mistake, you knew that when you typed it.

Don't cut the cord - unplug it or untie it or whatever from him in your mind, and then join that end to yourself again.