Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can things be worse than before ..really?

135 replies

imdoingthis · 16/04/2012 21:14

I left ex with our dc been 5 months away from him, I feel that maybe the break will have made him see how how unhappy I was, maybe he will see now and change because he can see what hes lost?
I feel like its been long enough,I miss him I miss my old life, i feel sorry for him I know its silly I dont want anyone else to be in my place even i it was not a good place
maybe this makes no sence at all feeling lost but this feels right?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/04/2012 17:52

You need to find a way around the childcare problem and get counselling.

Can your friends take the children while you do it? You need to ask them and try to make arrangements.

You absolutely must tell the police if your abuser frightens you. Please call them and tell them about your fear.

You are not safer with him than away from him.
He will punish you for separating from him.
He is going to destroy you one way or another through this relationship.
That is his aim here and it always has been.
Serious harm does not always mean broken bones.

imdoingthis · 21/04/2012 23:14

mathaniety it was my " pretty prison "

I can relate to alot what you said, im jumpy all the time, panicy and scared if I get a moment free so Im keeping myself ridiculously busy like till 2,3 in the morning, and all I do is worry about him if hes ok .

I know that Im really struggling now, I am wondering around with no help of what to do and I fucking it up, I need to feel safe again.

tonight was sickning, Im very desprate to get away ,not phisically hes to much for me to handle on my own, the police are aware of my fears of him

OP posts:
imdoingthis · 21/04/2012 23:19

Hes got to much power over me and the dc are being badly used by him I feel beond caring tonight what hes told them, the thing is he knows everything about me its really horrid

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/04/2012 00:41

The way out is to work hard at getting the counselling you need and trying to get to a stronger feeling. The desperation you feel is your inner voice telling you to to fight for help, not telling you to go back. To feel safe is what everyone wants and what everyone deserves. It is a human right. It is not something weak inside you telling you that, but something strong, a true instinct. The way to respond is to reach out and focus your energy on getting the help you need.

You did something really brave when you separated. You are not just someone who keeps on fucking up and can't deal with things. You have survived this far and reached out here, and you are a good mother concerned for her children. You have not crumbled yet. You are still here. Every day can bring you closer to the feeling that you have yourself back.

A bully likes to make a victim feel there is no way but his way. It is never the truth. It's just what he wants you to believe.

imdoingthis · 22/04/2012 07:11

I feel I have worked so hard to get this far its exhausting and Im questioning if I can keep going, Im constantly doubting myself anyway but when I mess up hes got the dc there pulling me up I feel like Im not good enoght for them, they question me too now like he used to do,I wish I could stop contact but the court would grant it anyway.

Im never going to be free from him am I , I know ill never be truely free.

I wish he would stop putting his dc thrugh it why carnt he see hes hurting them to get to me he took them to a graveyard, ds whos 5 keeps asking now about he dont want me to die and leave him.

I wish I had the strenght to carry on this journey from somewere, I will go see my gp again I went before and got refered for CBT.

The dc say things like I carnt do that dd said I carnt, things in my home that I allow them to do.

OP posts:
Lueji · 22/04/2012 09:11

You have to tell your DCs and yourself that you are the boss in your home now.

If you feel he's damaging your children get a move to allow only supervised contact.
Put everything on record, contact SS.

And you just have to keep reassuring your children. They will know the difference.

Lueji · 22/04/2012 09:22

And something else:

I screw up all the time. I forget things, I take the wrong ways, etc.

Everybody does that. Just laught it off. It will relax you and your children will learn that mistakes are not such big deals.
In fact, when it happens you could well sneak in that time dad forgot/did something wrong.

Have a conversation with your children about making mistakes. Tell them that you will do them as everyone does and they too. We learn from mistakes. Yes, it's possible that you don't know very well how to do something now, but you will do better the next time.
Your attitude towards their mistakes and your own should start modelling their attitudes.

You are strong. Just put one foot in front of the other. Take baby steps if necessary.
If he put you down it's because he is afraid of your strength, not because you are weak. Keep remembering that.

mathanxiety · 23/04/2012 19:23

Please go to the CBT.

'If he puts you down it's because he is afraid of your strength, not because you are weak. Keep remembering that.'

This is sooooo true.

Do keep a record of things you are aware of that he tells the DCs or does with them. Write it down. You can get SS involved, get supervised visits or none at all.

Also, sit the DCs down and tell them you are in charge when they are with you and that you are a grown up they can trust.

imdoingthis · 23/04/2012 21:21

Thankyou,

will CBT help me do you think? although I had to stop counceling because I couldnt aford the childcare so not sure if I could be able to go,

hes never going to leave me alone is he? all I want is to be free from him I didnt think it would be this bad,for months now I have thought ok whats the worst that can happen.

Hes still controlling me I hate it.

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 24/04/2012 01:02

You are suffering from a kind of erroneous thinking, which is distorting your perception a bit and feeding back into itself. You think you are messing up, everyone messes up, but for some they get feedback and improvement from that, and for others, they get confirmation that they are useless (which, of course, they aren't). And thinking themselves useless makes them more likely to mess up again, or to notice 'mess ups' which really aren't.

CBT has a very good record in sorting this kind of thing out.

YNK · 24/04/2012 01:23

Can your support worker get you help with funding the childcare?

Lueji · 24/04/2012 05:40

CBT will help you give the tools to change, which is something you can do now.

You can analyse the reasons why he does what he does (controlling you) and how you "let" it happen.

You are not perfect, but you don't have to. That's the important part.

You have lived for so long trying to please this person that you have probably forgotten about yourself. Why don't you give yourself some "me" therapy.
Rediscover things you used to like, find new ones. Do things with your children that you didn't use to.

As for example getting lost. I love driving off the usual roads and finding new places and new routes. Yes, on purpose. :)
Same as walking. Do it sometimes with the children.
Make up some new recipes. Or try new ones.

Even paint a wall in some colour he doesn't like but you do.

It may seem childish, but it's part of developing your own personality again. Like all teenagers must have a rebellious phase to cut the cord from their parents.

Insist with your children that it's how it's done now, that this is your home and your rules. They are also under his control, remember that.

Even correct the language they use. In your house nobody is useless and people encourage each other instead of criticising. People discuss things instead of arguing.

One day at a time, like alc anon. You are not going back today. Or rather, you are free today. :)

geekette · 24/04/2012 14:42

Well said Lueji

imdoingthis · 26/04/2012 18:54

Thankyou :) I'm hanging in there.. Just! The waves have calmed for now and I'm feeling Beter, thanks.

I was prompted by the police this week to disclos more things that happened in the past, I have always thought no defenetly not but it's got me thinking about it, but also there's no evidence so would it go anywhere?it's from years ago until recent.

OP posts:
imdoingthis · 26/04/2012 19:34

I know this is one extreme to the other, it's how's it's been wanting him back to reporting him,to not reporting stuff cos I feel for him I thought it would be a gradual move away from wanting him but is so back and forward iykwim :( I shouldn't be like this but it's how it is.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 26/04/2012 19:53

There are no 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts'. You have every right to your feelings and they are neither the right ones nor the wrong ones.

However....

When the police are asking, please answer them and do not worry about that. And if you think of other things and want to talk to them, do. They are your public servants, hoping to save you from needless suffering.

And another however ...
Please look at the CBT again. It has the potential to help you massively.

imdoingthis · 26/04/2012 20:10

Yeah I get that now, my feeling are mine so are ok.

I may of got some childcare help so I can excess CBT or freedom programe not sure yet, but I'm happy about it.

As for the police, I'm just along way from that I think,I have no proof now,apart from memory's info in my head and I was tempted but I'm scared, is it worth it?

OP posts:
mummytime · 26/04/2012 20:31

Yes it's worth it, even if they can't prosecute at least there can be a record. It could save you or someone else one day.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2012 20:59

Good news about the childcare and I hope you can get to CBT or Freedom Prog, (or both).

It is definitely worth it to give the police the information. They can advise you better and respond better if needs be (god forbid).

imdoingthis · 02/05/2012 21:44

I feel a little silly but I contacted him it all went quickly out of control he was here not very long before he flipped, he was so angry I carnt believe how mad he was, he's gave me a slight black eye, really not that noticeable and a scratch to my cheek, I feel stupid for thinking he'd 'change' but in back to being flat on the floor again, I'm so stupid going back for more and more,.

OP posts:
Lueji · 02/05/2012 22:00

Hugs. :(

Have you got him out of your life this time?

For your sake do not go near this man alone again.

Have you reported this last assault?

imdoingthis · 02/05/2012 22:16

He's not here now, someone else reported it, I was scared to talk to the police.
I don't know what to do anymore hes made it clear what he'd do if I talked to police.
It's numbing all this , gets you through x

OP posts:
Lueji · 02/05/2012 22:54

Darling, he wants you to be scared of talking to the police, but it is liberating and the more he does against you, the more he buries himself.

You keep going on until they start paying attention. Mind, you if someone else reports it, it's a witness and does give additional credibility to your story.

Ex has said (wrote even) that he would kill me, and my family. Several times. Every time, I went to the police. One time he called me when I was in the police station. Another time he screamed it out loud on the street, where a friend police officer (off duty) heard it.

I quickly cut all contact with him, apart from written contact. And have stood my ground.

Your ex is a bully. Please do not let him scare you. Take precautions regarding your safety, but don't let him abuse you.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 22:55

So what has he told you he'd do if you talk to the police?

foolonthehill · 02/05/2012 22:55

the police will protect you...he will lose some of his power.

talk to them. Your ex will either leave you alone or will be made to leave you alone.

please report him, for your own safety,