Can things be worse than before ..really?

[imdoingthis]

I left ex with our dc been 5 months away from him, I feel that maybe the break will have made him see how how unhappy I was, maybe he will see now and change because he can see what hes lost?
I feel like its been long enough,I miss him I miss my old life, i feel sorry for him I know its silly I dont want anyone else to be in my place even i it was not a good place
maybe this makes no sence at all feeling lost but this feels right?

You could try lists, perhaps?

I take ages to learn things, if there is a wrong way to do something, I do it, for example you wouldn't believe how many wrong ways I found to use a cheese toastie machine when we first got one

Are you eating properly and sleeping OK? (although tbh I'm a fine one to talk)

PS meant to say that I think my tendency as described above is partly because I have ADD, and maybe your mind is too full of general worries to notice or retain the more specific things atm. Lists could be a temp solution for you, I expect things will improve as your worries subside.

ie your mind is temporarily a bit like mine

When will I learn to post just one post, and not keep realising I've not said quite what I meant to?

I guess just see how it goes,it carnt get any worse than me messing up now, if it doesnt work then I go back to sailing my boat x

You didn't fuck up when you were with him because you didn't dare do anything that would incur his wrath but, even though you had become his puppet and did everything he wanted, he would still find fault and reason to be angry with you.

You've effectively been in prison for, what, 15/16 years?. The majority of that time was spent in lockdown and what amounted, effectively, to solitary confinement in that you were only allowed to speak to those who were on his'approved list'.

During this time you became institutionalised; told when to go to bed, when to wake up, your endless days and nights of incarceraton planned for you and inscribed on tablets of stone by your jailer - he who had to be obeyed at all times.

It's not surprising that you're struggling with life on the 'outside' but, as time goes by, you will become accustomed to the sweet taste of freedom; to being able to do things your way and to being able to operate an open door policy for your friends and for those of your dc.

Reach out to the friends you have and make new ones. Join your local Gingerbread group www.gingerbread.org.uk and get together with other single parents.

Look at further education opportunities in your area and take advantage of all the help you can get from SS to further your ambitions.

The harm he has done you will take time to heal but you can and you will 'get over him' and I promise you that, if you stick with it and resolve to do your utmost to give your dc the life they deserve, there will come a time when you'll shudder at the very thought of him.

There are a lot of good people living close to you - get out there, start socialising with them and hopefully, one day in the not too distant future, you'll find a good man who'll make you realise how very badly you were treated by a sick, twisted, pervert, and how very wrong it was that you and your dc were subjected to such tyranny.

Please note that I'm not urging you to rush into another relationship but I am advising you to have the fun and enjoyment that comes from mixing with kind and considerate people that you missed out on while you were in his control.

Every time you look in a mirror, look yourself in the eye and affirm 'I am a strong and confident woman' and 'I am all things to myself'. Say the words out loud and repeat each affirmation 6 times.

You've broken his hold on you; stand firm and make sure it stays broken, honey. I say again - you can and you will do this, and you'll do it because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

Yes, it's a bit like coming out of prison. It's not simply a glorious burst of freedom, it's a terrifying lack of structure and the challenge of learning to operate out in the world again.

Leaving aside the motorway thing, most fuck-ups aren't that bad. So you run out of petrol - you get some more. You pay a bill late - you're not the only one. Please, please be gentle with yourself. Learn to be a friend to yourself. Forgive yourself for small slips. You're doing one big hard thing, which is leaving him, so it's not surprising that you don't have that much free mind-space to do all the small things right.

Keep plodding along. Don't expect to be immediately happy or to "feel" that the relationship is over. Three years down the line, when I see my ex, especially if he is in a good mood, I still have an instinctive desire to put my arms around him. I just like the way he smells. But of course I don't give in, because I know he's bad for me. You've got to dig deep and find your instinct for self-preservation. If you're struggling to do it for yourself, do it for your dcs. For a lot of mothers, it's easier to think of rescuing your dcs than rescuing yourself. I know they are with him for now, but you are showing them that an alternative life is possible.

it carnt get any worse than me messing up now, if it doesnt work then I go back to sailing my boat x

Yes he can make it worse...you will be free of messing up but he will make sure that your life and your DCs life is terrible, and you will blame yourself because you went back and it will be harder to get out the next time. And your little boat won't have made all the progress that you have already made, you would be starting again.

If you just keep putting one oar in the water at a time you will keep rowing away from him and your life will be better and your DCs will be free of him and all the damage he does. Really.

BTW we all mess up, even the super-organized and efficient discover bills forgotten and get lost in the car. It's because you're busy with other things. Don't beat yourself up...even if you and DCs eat baked beans 3 days in a row for tea because you forget to get anything else ()...none of you will die of it.

Things are going from bad to worse I can see no way out of this at all and Im feeling confused too, I dont understand why Im feeling like this it makes no sense to me,

Im scared of him but I want to get back with him I feel safer when Im with him/pleasing him,I want to make him happy Im feeling sorry for him and I want to help him,I knew life on the outside wouldnt be a bed of roses but I dont get all these feelings, Im worried somwone will take my place? why I dont know ? who would want it? the way I feel is so contradicting to the logic in my head its crazy,my feelings are taking over and Im scared/frightend of it all starting again I carnt sleep either.

Hes still controling me too feel like a puppet on a string sometimes

I believe I may be safer with him.

You need to find support to let go of him.

I just seriosly carnt to this anymore I really carnt

Make a list of reasons why you left and put them everywhere around the house.

You are grieving for your idealised relationship, not the actual one.

Consciously find something that you like doing and so it.
You must raise your happiness levels and not let yourself go down over this.
Physical activity is good. Even it it means having a spring clean. :)

And have a virtual slap to nap out of this. :)

Snap, not nap.

Think of it this way:

You are currently very confused. It is therefore difficult to tell right from wrong.
You are therefore easily manipulated.
Anyone with any amount of a controlling character, no matter how small will be able to use this to their advantage. And no matter how safe you think you will be, you will end up unhappy.

I hope you will agree that making a decision in a confused state cannot be the right thing to do. That is like drinking and driving. It is a no-no.

So stay as you are for now, for as long as it takes, till you can figure out on your own what right and wrong are. And do not worry about all the petty mistakes you are making now. You are in a confused state they are normal. Best not to make great big mistake whilst you are at it. This too shall pass...

argh xpost.

You can't do what? be confused for another day? not be with him for another day?
Hope this isn't too harsh but get out of disney land, girl. What do you think is going to happen? You will drop dead or something in the next few seconds if you do not run into his arms?

Take it easy, you will be fine. Have a good cry, call a helpline. keep on posting or spring clean as another poster has said! anything just do something for yourself :) It'll be ok

Dearest I'mdoingthis we all really feel for you. It is distressing, you are obviously confused and hurting, but you left him with good reason.

As others have said rather than running back to the source of confusion better to get the support you need for now. Do you have a Women's Aid support worker who can help you out with this??

Don't make big decisions whilst you are feeling like this.

In what way are things going from bad to worse?

You know that you weren't safe when you were living with him; the things that you had to do to satisfy his perversions put you at risk and you know full well that your dc will be at risk if you return to him.

Feeling sorry for him is a wasted emotion; he doesn't feel one iota of remorse over the way he's treated you and the dc and you can't help him because he is beyond redemption - he'll never change and he'll always be a danger to vulnerable women.

How do you spend your days? Do you get out and about? Are you taking steps to build network of supportive friends? Do you have your existing friends visit you, and do you visit them? Have you introduced yourself to your neighbours, joined Gingerbread, looked at college courses that you can start in September?

What help do you get from SS? Are you having counselling? What is your solicitor doing to get you your fair share of the joint assets you own?

PS you will NOT be safer with him

Thankyou its feeling impossible to not go back, it's like a forse pulling me in that direction and it's beond my control.
I feel I carnt move on I'm stuck
I feel so bad I wish there was a way out of it all

sometimes its so easy to think the grass is always greener - especially when you are egged on, i suppose by well meaning individuals.

only you can decide what you really want, and your husband will have to decide what he prefers - do you know the song "need a little time"? well sometimes you think that everyone has to agree to what you what, then you change your mind and maybe they see that what was there in the first place wasnt so great after all.

sometimes what we wish for isnt what it appears to be

X post

Please understand that this is not the type of situation you're describing, Monkeys.

The OP and her dc will continue to sustain the serious abuse they have already suffered at the hands of this man if she returns to him.

It's bad to worse he's controlling me still in so many ways, frightening me, he knows everything about were I am what I'm doing he won't go away and leave me alone.

I carnt focus on cleaning but I will try to keep busy with something else

I am safer with him arnt I ? He wasn't going to do me serous harm before I fear that now.

I don't go councelling any more no childcare, SS arnt invalid now just support worker,I am busy with the dc I have been out with friends that what he tried to stop.
Childcare and money's an issue izzy to atcheve what I want to do x

Did you post on the wrong thread, monkeys?

Why are you not going to counselling?

As I understand it, he's on bail. Have you told the police how scared you are of him?

You and your dc were never 'safe' with him. He's already done you, and your older dc, significant harm and he'll continue to abuse you all if you go back to him - and your dc will grow up to abuse their dc, and so the cycle will continue.

Take it one day at a time because, although it may not seem to you to be the case at the moment, you are growing stronger with every day that passes.

When you call it 'life on the outside' it sounds like it was a prison.

I think you need help from a therapist for post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and Stockholm Syndrome. Living with an abuser does a number on your brain.

• you are having trouble sleeping
• you have trouble concentrating
• you feel hopeless, helpless, lost, fearful, in despair
• you feel some sort of loyalty or feelings of care towards your abuser
• you have not yet regained any sense of enjoyment in things that you used to before the abuse
• you are emotionally fragile and you come across as somewhat emotionally numb
• you seem to be feeling invisible and worthless without the relationship and your life seems drifting and meaningless

-you are feeling confusion and self doubt

Above all you are desperate for a way out of where you are now. It is really important for you to understand that that way out does not need to involve going back for more abuse. You can get help for this feeling and all the others, and the experience you are going through. But you have to be the one who reaches out for that help.

Please go to your GP and ask for a referral for therapy for post traumatic stress and stockholm syndrome. While it is true that no-one can do this but you, and while you feel you do not have the strength to get through it, you need to start by going through the motions even if your heart is not in it, for the sake of your safety and your child's.

Can you do that much for yourself, even though you don't feel you have the strength?

Can you reach out and ask for a referral for therapy, and then sit tight, wait for the appointment day, and try to not let those feelings of jealousy and fear of the unknown overwhelm you?

Can you take it one day at a time and try to rid your mind of panicky thoughts when they happen, by distracting yourself, breathing, looking at a photo of yourself as a child with her life ahead of her and hopes for her future, looking at your baby when sleeping or happy?