Can things be worse than before ..really?

[imdoingthis]

I left ex with our dc been 5 months away from him, I feel that maybe the break will have made him see how how unhappy I was, maybe he will see now and change because he can see what hes lost?
I feel like its been long enough,I miss him I miss my old life, i feel sorry for him I know its silly I dont want anyone else to be in my place even i it was not a good place
maybe this makes no sence at all feeling lost but this feels right?

He would kill me with added thrills for dd,knowing what I should do is horrid.

Have you considered going into a refuge?

Neither a refuge or the police nor any other agency or individual can protect women who invite men who have repeatedly abused them to visit, even though those abusers may be subject to non-molestation orders or on bail for offences of violence against them, and who persist in sheilding their abusers from the full force of the law when the inevitable happens, Lueji.

The OP is aware that the only hope she has of protecting herself and her dc is to tell the truth about the sick excuse for a man who has mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially, abused her for many years to the police, to social services, to doctors, to counsellors, and to anyone who'll listen.

Sadly, although her abuser has subjected her to another assault in which he knocked her to the floor causing a 'slight black eye' and 'a scratch on the cheek', the OP is not wiling to report him to the police or make any statement against him.

Do you have all of your dc living with you, imdoingthis? Did any of them witness their father's latest assault on their mother?

I'm petrified of him and what he's going to do, I know him and I'm frightened of him, I invited him though, it's my fault, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I have the dc with me yes, they went there though.

If you can't find the courage to do what it takes to set yourself free, no one else can find it for you, honey.

I wish it were otherwise but only you have the power to ensure that he gets as much grief from the law as the grief he's given you over the years.

There is such a thing as natural justice, but IME only the good fall under buses and/or get struck by lightening.

Maybe we should resort to the old ways to rid you of him

Yes your right izzy, don't feel I have the strenghth.

But I feel like I need to find the key to all this, to be set free I don't know the answer to all this but I hear what I'm being told about the police etc.

Wish someone could do this with/for me but they carnt.
I wish I knew what to do, why is it this hard.

You seriously need to get back to the GP as soon as possible and beg them to get you on some sort of hypnotherapy or CBT prgramme as a matter of extreme urgency. Do you have an injunction out on him, because if not, why not? I know you are inviting/allowing him to see you but perhaps if there was an injunction and you have had some professional help with resisting the urge to see him, you might stand a chance. At the moment you and your children stand no chance. It's a massive car crash waiting to happen.

If you keep inviting this man back into your life (and you seem very self-aware and you admit it's like an addiction) then you are in serious danger of losing your children, and possibly losing your life.

Stop talking yourself round in circles about how the fear of him is so great that it would be easier to go back. The fear will not stop if you go back - you will just be accepting a life of regular abuse, as opposed to constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering when and where it will next happen.

You DO know what to do. There is only ONE THING to do. Just DO it.

Unfortunately, in common with countless others, you weren't blessed with a childhood that would build solid foundations for your adult life and equip you to with the confidence to become all that you can be.

At an age when you thought you knew it all (i.e hormonal teenage) you had the misfortune to come to the attention of an older man. A predatory pervert who, using guile and cunning, led you to believe that he, and only he, could provide you with the love and security you craved.

Remember the time just before you met him when you were a happy-go-lucky Miss Know-it-all, giving as good as you got, out for a good time, but steadily improving your skills at college?

Remember those days when you felt invincible? Those days when you believed that no harm could befall you; that there was a guardian angel looking after you and there'd always be safety net that would be waiting to catch you if you fell?

You may not have had many of them, honey, but you did have a few sweet hours or days of that halcyon bliss and they are recorded in your memory bank.

Take yourself back to that time and 'feel' that feeling that the world is your oyster, that all things are possible, and tell that feisty young woman you used to be that, even though you took a wrong turn and even though it may have seemed to her that you stopped your ears, you never stopped listening to her.

Let her come through, feel her resourcefulness, let her take over your body and your mind and fill you with her indomitable spirit and energy. Bring her into the present, let her take a look around your doubts and fears, let her see how dependent you feel you are on him - and let her give you the courage to kick his sick, twisted, arse into kingdom come.

Do this exercise as often as you can but make sure to do it at least once a day. Take some time every morning to go to youtube and seach 'Brad Yates EFT'. Click on Brad's video for 'Tap of the Morning' and repeat his words and copy his actions - it'll only take you a matter of minutes. There's also a 'Tap of the Evening' that will help you begin to let go of negative beliefs and make way for positive ones.

You've been many things since you were a small neglected child but the outstanding quality that you possess, the one thing that has been consistent throughout, the special virtue that the good fairy bestowed on you when you were born, is your honesty - and, especially, your ability to be honest with yourself.

Regardless of your fears, you are a strong and capable woman with a sound sense of humour that enhances your honesty. Stay true to yourself and you will find that you can turn this round and you can become all that you can be.

Come back here as often as you need or want to; rest your weary bones, share your thoughts, and draw strength from those who are willing you on.

Izzy is right.

I wonder about the children, because as long as he has unsupervised access to them his threats are very powerful.

If he has included the children in the threats, I'd stop letting them going with him now.
Hence a refuge and cutting contact might help.

I feel that imdoingthis' resolve has a lot to do with his presence and threats.
Thankfully my ex has moved back with his parents in another country.
But I know the stress when he is around.

What helps is to surround ourselves with people who can support us.
For example if the neighbours are aware they may tale more motive and even help out.

But do seek professional help because you are in a very fragile position, both internally and in relation to him.
That help means gp, wa, police, cab, solicitors.

I hope today will be better. :)

I'mdoingthis. What gives you strength and resolve?? how did you leave??

i'mdoingthis when you have a moment, look at your children. Look at them looking at you. Who is this wise and wonderful woman that they see? That they trust? And that they love?

I have messed up again, really am confused about what I should do, there's so many contradictions going on

izzy the 'key' to understanding it has helped I have been doing this every day ! And I have felt good doing it too. Got some of me back ! It's good.

leuji yes it's his threats he's still so involved in my life, wks a fine line with bail conditions etc, but has a BIG effect on me.

fool I broke free my chance to escape when he was arrested, I grabbed freedom with both hands.

pink I did just that , I'm afraid they are relying on me only, but I see I needed to fight for them.

I have made big mistakes, made another tonight when will I learn, when will I stop wanting him.

What have you done tonight? Invited him around again to give you more punishment?

And what was it that triggered your mistaken decision tonight?

I let him in And I shouldn't of, I have been telling people all day long I want to contact him today, I'm so stupid

I won't learn, what's the fick wrong with Me

Does it ever get easier ever

Did he turn up on your doorstep or what?

You are not stupid, possibly some part of you keeps thinking it will turn out differently this time. Another possibility is you are confusing feeling emotional pain with feeling love. I have done both these things, I too take a long time to learn, however, I have learned now, and so can you.

Pink I am driven by ' I don't care I need to be with him' it's a power thing I don't get it.
How do you crave to be hit please that isn't right is it

When he hits me I feel relefe and I feel better, then pain and regret ? This normal ??

No it sounds like an addiction to humiliation. I was (mildly in objective terms) abused as a young teenager, I sought out people to take advantage of me in my 20's, but managed to find some inner strength before I hit 30.

So did he just turn up or what?

No I asked him to come here, feel very deflated

Must go to bed now, sending you a hug. Do not give up hope, keep posting (although I would recommend sleep atm...)

is there anyone else your DCs can stay or live with? Their mother inviting their abusive father around to beat her up will be doing catastrophic damage to them.

He brainwashed you; programmed and conditioned you to become his creature.

It can take only a matter of days to control someone's mind by a process of isolating them from everything/everyone they know, intimidating them by threats of dire harm or death if they try to escape or disobey the orders they're given, and interspersing this treatment with random acts of kindness which makes them become dependent on the approval of their kidnapper/abuser/controller.

In your case, from an early age you'd been used as a sexual convenience by numerous boys/young men and you thought these experiences made you a woman of the world; older than your years.

When you met this pervert much older man you failed to see the massive red flags or hear the alarm bells go off because you interpreted his grooming of you as him being solicitous for your wellbeing and that he was showing the concern for your welfare of the father you never had.

In truth he came on to you for one reason, and one reason only. He saw that your vulnerability would render you putty in his hands and that he could mould you in any way he wanted.

He didn't love you back then; he didn't loved you throughout the years he kept you cut off from the world around you, and he doesn't love you now.

He feels no love or concern for you as a person. His only concern is to get you back under his control so that he can continue to use, abuse, and exploit you.

You're hoping that one of these days, one of these times you collude with him to break his bail conditions, one of these times you cover up for him, he'll change.

You're hoping he'll realise how badly he's treated you and that he'll show you more of those random kindnesses that convinced you he cared about you and that he loved you; those random acts of kindness that convinced you he is something he isn't, and that he's capable of loving you.

However, the fact is that this man isn't capable of loving anyone except himself and kindness is not part of his emotional makeup. Any acts of kindness he showed you were deliberately calculated and were nothing more than carefully planned rewards to keep you wanting more, keep you in your place, keep you subservient to him.

You want him to hurt you because you feel that you are unworthy and, as such, you deserve punishment - and because when he hits you it makes you feel that he loves you; after all, if he didn't love you, he wouldn't bother to hit you, would he?

When he physically abuses you, you feel relief that he cares about you. You feel better because he's shown you he loves you.

What better way is there to show someone that you truly, madly, deeply, love them than giving them a black eye or other bruises?
And what better way is there for you to feel relief than by knowing that you have the power to make him show he loves you?

Please spend some time thinking about this and please carrying on doing the exercise and tuning into Brad Yates as outlined above.