The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Staying Springy In Their Quest For Sobriety.

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse I have an shockingly abusive relationship with alcohol, mainly vodka.

This Bus is full of drinkers, non-drinkers, thinkers and Babes, all trying to find their way to a happy, sober life.

Some are there, some are almost there and some are not. It really doesn't matter, we're all in this together.

Why not find a seat? Everyone is welcome, drinking or drunk, come and say hello.

HERE is the previous thread, with a link to all of the other wonderful journeys so far............

greyhound I'm on your wavelength!

chasingtail and helpyourself I couldn't eat because had intestinal obstruction and was letting my gut rest. But have no willpower so have now eaten a little cheese. And chocolate...

DH was furious that I had been off work, and not taken DD to school. Its a good thing tonight is AFD otherwise I would be drinking mias wine.

I know DH is just concerned about DS missing school, and me being off work - but he glares at me as though I've deliberately eaten something to mess up my gut.

AND he thinks I'm spending all day online when I should be at work! Well I have been on mmsnet a lot lately...

hey anita. I accept that I probably will and thus am not stressing about it. However it will be seriously reduced from my normal weekend pattern of a bottle every night.
Has someone farted in this bed?

dementedma sorry that was me with my cheese - my guts still not right...

Anita welcome to the madhouse bus, and well done so far, looks like you are using the strategies we have all learned .

Casa are you still with us?

PS I love the name, AnitaChange

alias that sounds awful, and not eating makes it really hard to resist picking up. Are you getting help for your gastric problems?

thanks helpyourself it's okay, it's a long term problem & I'm used to it.

But now I've found that as I've got older its harder to cope with a starvation diet. Like your body can't cope with alcohol so much as it gets older.

Feeling my age tonight

Am drinking Dr Stuarts Valerian Plus for a good nights sleep. Just hope we're not in for a repeat performance of last night from our newly-wed neighbours God, I sound OLD

chasing said "Was it difficult to stop or did you just think "nah, it's not that nice & I don't want it"?"
Yes that's exactly it!

Faire said
"Mia blimey you like to sail very close to the wind don't you grin. Well done for pouring it back in the bottle. Do you think you could pour it down the sink? I can't remember, are you trying to stop completely, or what? I think the umming and ahhing about it is just fuelling the craving. Can you remember your original reasons for coming on the bus, your goals, etc. Might be good to go back and 'reset' yourself. What d'you think?"

It was sailing a bit close to the wind there, wasn't it! I think I needed to do it to see that I didn't want to, if that makes any sense. I just wanted a bit of respite from the emotional rollercoaster of the last couple of days I think, something to take the edge off. If I'd poured the glass before I ate my dinner, then I wouldn't have stopped, I know that. So I did a sensible thing in eating first - white wine never tastes as good to me after a meal. The first sip tasted lovely, but the second, not so much. Third sip I thought 'why am I actually doing this? I'm not even enjoying the taste'. The fourth sip was on the way back to the fridge to pour it back in the bottle.

Can I pour it down the sink? No... I think my hands would spontaneously combust. I'm not trying to stop completely, no - I want to be able to drink like a 'normal' person, although the more people I talk to about this, the more I realise just how normalised excessive drinking has become. I'd like to be able to have a glass with dinner a couple of nights a week. Maybe share a bottle with DP on a Saturday. But not be thinking about wine every day from around 3pm onwards, and standing salivating by the fridge with a glass in my hand on the dot of 5pm every night, and have put away three quarters of a bottle on an empty stomach before dinner.

I'm going to go back and read my first posts again. saf what you said about it being self-harm is very true. Tonight I wanted to drink because I felt angry and sad, and I wanted to escape from that sensation. It was a real 'fuck this, fuck him, fuck everything' feeling, and I used to feel the same way with cigarettes - a deep drag on the cigarette and that delicious/repulsive feeling.

Had a good talk with DP tonight and felt like I came to more of an understanding of where he's at, which is good. I've told everyone now that the wedding is cancelled, so that's that mightily humiliating task done. DD cried.

I'm off to bed now, hopefully to get a good night's sleep and be full of energy to start painting the loft tomorrow.

Well done ma on your day 4!
soma are you out there? Not sad soma I hope.
help I had a slice of toast with lemon curd on. I wanted to make fruit and choccy muffins but I couldn't be arsed.

Day 10 done and dusted. was out visiting a friend tonight.. took soda and lime cordial with me and declined the proffered wine.. how can tomorrow be Friday again.. it seen like 5 mins ago that I said it was Friday and i always drink on Friday .. but didn't last week and not planning to tomorrow ..

well done grey and Mia for managing to turn their evening around xx

Cor blimey I'd have slept brilliantly if it wasn't for Greyhound and Fairenuff in my bed - there was star shapes, duvet stealing, snoring... the lot

Ha ha! Morning all! Day 11 feeling great. Sorry for those that are struggling, no time to read properly will post laters

xx

mia - yes but whilst the intention may be fuck 'it', fuck 'them' etc the action of drinking is fuck 'me' iyswim - only hurting ourselves cliches and all that

ma - WELL DONE on your might as well be 4 days

day 10 here i think though i don't feel very county. no real urge to drink or sense of missing anything thank goodness. i'm finding this a lot easier - i've lost the sense that i'm hanging on till.... or having to wrestle with the decision or ever floating question mark of should i shouldn't i, will i won't i and it is a lot easier for me this way (so far!). it's still one day at a time but it's clear in my head that i want it to be one day at a time tomorrow as well as today itms. i'm done with it.

in the spirit of the list lovers i thought i would try to give a list of positives so far:

-white eyes, nice tongue
-no hangovers - nicer mornings
-no shame in the shop - nice feeling of going to the till with obscene amount of chocolate BUT no booze and no thinking i'm being judged
-more emotionally resilient and stable, more able to see when it's 'their problem' not mine (instead of paranoia and upset about what other people do/think/say)
-more energy
-more hope and sense of the future being open
-more faith in myself
-more realistic and mature thinking
-more happiness for sure.

Morning babes.

Just a quick one because I'm lying in bed with the iPad and the dog and once I get up I want to have a cup of tea and start the loft, not spend half the morning typing on the laptop.

saf you're absolutely right about the person drinking in a 'fuck everything' way harming mainly themselves. It's that self-destructive impulse isn't it - I've always had it.

I feel better this morning thanks everyone for supporting me through my mire of self pity.

Sorry I had 2 days off work and my home broadband is playing up. Did nothing but sleep. Stopped the dreaded vodka and move back to white wine. Better? Dunno. But spoke to DD who is abroad v late at night. DP was much happier last night as I was in a much better shape. But this isn't an answer. Still not eating. Only good thing is am sleeping better.

Morning all! Mia and saf- you're right about the fuckit button.

It can also be a double bind, chicken or egg situation. I found once I stopped pressing that button, I didn't want to either. When I stopped drinking I had something to feel good about and the urge to self destruct waned. It's a pious statement, but 'to get self esteem, do esteemable things' (there must be a pithier way of saying it too...)

casa glad to see you came back. Is white wine better than vodka - who knows, but what I think is great is that it shows a determination to do something. Just keep on experimenting with the different 'somethings' that you can do, it might help you feel more in control again.

Im feeling so good about this NOT drinking. Just back from a 4 mile walk in the the sunshie, with a good friend in the Kent countryside. :)
Im not drinking and its been a week now (not that I want to count days).
Yesterday my husband and I cut all ties with his mother.
Its a long and boring story but she has damaged our marriage to the point of us breaking up. Yet we love each other so we have had no choice but to step away from MIL.

Its awful. I feel wretched about it all. I will have to spend the rest of my life knowing that because of MIL madness - I am the cause of my husband being estranged from his family. I have to live with that because keeping her in our life will break us up. Its a loose loose situation but we feel we have chosen the only option possible.

And yet I chose not to drink last night because I know, understand and get that hitting the bottle wont help how I feel about what happened yesterday.
I dont count my chickens. I know only too well that I can and have in the past fallen apart. But for now. Something in my head is different and I LOVE THE FREEDOM.

Freedom from MIL, Freedom from booze.

This forum ROCKS. JWN I hope you feel bloody fanfuckingtastic. You startd this with your honesty and you have helped God Only knows how many people. And I am one of them.

Babes. I hope you all have a good day today.

Keep posting. I read everything and am here all the time.
Blanket.
x

Morning all. Sorry for being pathetic last night. Am just feeling sorry for myself.

I can see how this is going to go later "well, I've been poorly so I deserve a drink!"

God somebody slap me.

PS. You're all doing really well

Alias
No slap lovely. Its horrible bastard hard work. Its ok. xxxx
You do deserve a drink. Go get some nice soda and cranberry or other yummy unusual cordial (ginger flavour is nice) and a whole BOX of chocolates if thats what it takes? Whatever floats your boat? Mince pies? Ice cream? Cornish pasties? Whatever it is that you like? Trifle?
And induldge in that tonight or whenever the bastard craving kicks in.
The alcohol is toxic and will make you ill.

Just try it out for tonight. Please.....
x

blanket how awful and sad for you all. I imagine it was such a difficult decision to make, albeit for the right reasons. Sometimes in life we just have to do what is necessary to protect ourselves and loved ones.

You sound so strong though & the fact you are not drinking will have made those decisions all the more clearer. x

Phew - glad I missed last nights big sleep-over. I was in the room next door, reading my book (an old fashioned paper one) and wondering when you lot would ever go to sleep. Hmmm must have bigger personal space issues than mia

I had a strange wobble last night - dropped in to visit a friend on my way back from a business meeting. Said friend used to be my biggest drinking companion but totally accepts where I am now. So I was offered a cup of tea, and a bowl of crisps. Suddenly I was so disappointed. I didn't want tea, I wanted to revert to the big glass of wine, or the G&T. There was so much about that drop-in visit, the amusing chat in the kitchen with her and her dh, the bowl of crisps - it took me back instantly to my previous habits. I feel pretty sure that if I'd have been offered wine, I'd have accepted .

I drove home actively thinking about whether to drop in to the wine shop and buy a bottle (to go with the Italian meal that dp was cooking). The only thing that stopped me knowing that there was no other wine in the house, so I would have had to share the wine with dp. It wasn't a glass of wine with my meal that I wanted, it was the whole lot. So the only way to get round that would have been to buy 2 bottles, and sneakily hide one away before dp clocked that I had more than one, and then to spend the rest of the evening after dining 'working' in my office (where said bottle of secret wine would be already hidden). I had even got to the stage of planning how best to get the secret wine into the house - I only had a tiny handbag and tiny computer bag with me, no-where to stash a spare bottle as I walked in.

Thank goodness I caught myself in that mad, mad thinking. I had a lovely meal, accompanied by a glass of water. Dp and I had a really good chat about his worries at work, we watched something on tv together, and I had a cup of peppermint tea. I slept well and woke this morning feeling bright. Phew narrow escape.

Even so, I'm left feeling a bit 'shaken' by how easily all those thoughts and plans and deceipts came piling in. And I'm really, really glad that you lot are here. I know that you'll understand both the madness / obsession of that kind of thinking, and you'll know how scary it feels to be thinking like that. I worry that if I couldn't come here and post about it then I'd be wobbling again today. As it is I've already been to the shops (before they start selling alcohol at 10am) bought stuff for dinner, and lots of lovely alternative drinks, and treats.

blanket

thank you, it kind of depends how my gut is whether I can eat or drink. (Also voice in my head going "but you promised if you were good all week, you could have a drink on Friday! It would be a waste not to have any!")

blanket you say you are the cause of your husband being estranged from his family - surely it's the MIL who is responsible? And your DH has also made choices - it can't just be your fault!

oh I have changed my name to make it easier to remember. Because its not actually my name - I'm still incognito

Although you know who I am - I'm the one who buys 2 mini bottles of Pinot Grigio in M&S on a Saturday; and if they haven't got any I stare at the shelves for 10 minutes trying to decide what to do.

venus well done. it's scary that even our most seasoned Babes can be tempted by the demon at odd moments!

Felt the slightest of boings this morning - man, it feels good.

dementedma whats a boing?