False accusations of domestic violence (long, sorry!)

[ebmummy]

Grr, just spent 30 minutes typing this out, only to lose it all!

Ok, so I have a dear friend who I have known for 25+ years (since we were 5!). I was his lodger throughout his 3 year marriage to his wife until his divorce in 2009. Basically he had an arranged marriage with his woman in India (he's Hindu). She was a complete bitch, really nasty to him, me and my dbf (now dh). She hit him and was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. On one occasion, she was so unhinged I taped the incident on my phone and called the Police, but nothing was done cos he wouldn't press charges).

Long story short, she started pilphering their joint account (he was the only one who worked), and moved in with another fella. She also stole items from the house (including from me) and left. He filed for divorce, and Immigration tried to deport her (she was on a marriage visa) but she claimed domestic violence. She thus allowed to stay, despite the fact she couldn't prove it, HE could. And as I was there all the time (studying for my PhD), I could verify he was never violent towards her (he's the kindest gentlest guy I know, apart from DH!)

Anyway since then she's been going around his close tight-knit community saying he's impotent, he's not a man, that he stole her gold (he managed to hold onto some of the gold that HIS family gave to them as gifts for their wedding). He wants to meet someone new, but can't cos of the mud-slinging (he's married the guy she moved in with btw). Is there anything he can do? Obviously he's a long-time dear friend and want to see him happy as well as DH and I being fed-up of him moping around our house every weekend cos of what this spiteful woman is doing

SHE"S married they guy she moved in with obviously, not he!

no advice but you can't verify he was never ever violent to her can you?

Well no, but I lived in a 2 bed-semi with them (separate rooms obv!), and was at home all day studying every day so I doubt I'd have missed it! Anyway, even if on the off-chance he's not the guy I've known for the past 25 years and an evil wife-beating man, I lived with them for THREE years! Surely I'd have seen something?! Sorry to dripfeed, but the domestic violence case was thrown out of court (the judge actually reprimanded her for lying under oath), so she's stopped saying he beat her now, just that he stole from her which's ruined his reputation.

Well then all he should do is ignore ignore ignore - if she's that bad people probably won't believe her anyway

Lord, zoo, have told him to ignore her till we're blue in the face! But she won't let go. They've (her and her h) taken to almost stalking him whenever they see him. He's really scared of her, and has some health issues so I just wondered if there's anything legally he can do to protect himself?

Well yes loads. If she persists in contacting him/harrassing/stalkinghim then he should record each and every incident and report it to the police who can issue her with a harassment notice.

That's what I thought but he doesn't know where she lives for anything legal to be sent. Also she's changed her name so very difficult to trace. She knows where he lives, so he's like a sitting duck really. My friend and Dh bumped into her at the shops, and she followed them round shouting abuse. Dh was scared of saying anything incase she accused THEM of harassing her. Really difficult situation. She's playing the system.

he should still report each and every incident of harassment to the police - they may well be able to find her. Does he have her number? Hec ould give the police that.

Has he spoken to the police at all? They are good at tracing people, it's their job; if she has remarried to a man whose surname your friend doesn't know, there will bea traceable record of the marriage etc.

what do you mean she is playing then system? what system?

there's been recent updates to the stalking laws to protect vulnerable people who've left relationships.

He needs to speak to the police, or a lawyer to get an injunction

what has not knowing her address got to do with anything?

he needs to contact the police if he is being harassed, defamed or similar. if he doesn't want to do that, then he's going to have to cope with her shenanigans.

Why doesn't he order another bride from India if the well closer to home has been poisoned?

Sorry, I have not one ounce of sympathy for anyone who honestly thinks an arranged marriage with someone who leaves her country for his could ever possibly work out, or be a good idea. The whole premise is a huge act of violence against the woman involved imo.

Thanks guys, I will let him know that he can do something to stop all this legally. I still don't know how the Police can trace her though-she's left by the time anyone can arrive. All he has is her first name, which's a reasonably common Indian one.

mathanxiety, an arranged marriage doesn't mean a forced marriage (in this case). They were introduced to each other and both could've said no at anytime. My friend was born andbrought up here! He's educated and would never have married her if she didn't want him. In fact, SHE was the one who actively pursued him after they first met. I agree though that it would've been a huge change for her moving countries, but she wanted it and it doesn't excuse her repulsive behaviour. Domestic violence is still dm, regardless of whether the recipient is male or female.

I think the expression that starts 'sticks and stones.....' is apt in this case. Name-calling and gossip is nasty but it fizzles out if it is ignored normally. If he is verbally attacked in person again, of course he should stand up to her assertively. Bullies hate the tables being turned and there is no 'system' that would make it otherwise. Violence, theft, stalking, malicious letters and other actual crimes he should report to the police.

Otherwise, encourage him to get out there and live his life. Hiding away moping is not helping him at all.

Surely if they were married it wouldn't have been stealing to gave taken stuff from the house? And he made sure she couldn't get her jewellery. I'm certain there's another side to this. And maybe he should have had a proper marriage rather than shipped someone in.

IMO, those who are posting about his exW being shipped in are offensive.
OP, I do think you protest too much though. IME of the Hindu community, she would have struggled to find another groom. Wives are meant to be unsullied.

There many degrees of arranged marriage, forced marriage is something different. Some of tge comments on here could be straight out of tge daily mail.

The question is how seriously is tge community really taking her ramblings? She's been proved in court as a lied, left her husband possibly after an affair, is she really believed?

I think it more a case of how tge last few years have affected him and how her behaviour continues to affect him. Get him to someone who can get something legal in place and help build his confidence.

By Indian law all gold given during the wedding is the wife's no matter who gave it. This is because the gold is seen as the wife's 'financial insurance'. India btw has very strict domestic violence laws (that it is still hideously patriarchal is another matter). As per these laws, any man or his parents accused of DV or harassment for dowry by his wife will be subject to a non bail able arrest warrant.

Also, while I personally will never understand an arranged marriage, I do think it's unfair to describe her as being 'shipped in'. Lots of people do get married and move countries and arranged marriage as a practice has evolved in India. So don't confuse it with forced marriage please! (which also happens but is another story altogether).

Anyway to return to the OP, two things: a) culturally, the gold HIS family gave her/them is still hers so she wasn't stealing it. B) whether she worked or not if they had a joint account she wasn't 'pilfering' from it. Unfortunately your choice of language indicates your obvious bias. Maybe the wife isn't a pleasant person, but no one knows what happens behind closed doors and also perfectly wonderful friends can make for crap husbands.

Well said Potol.

Potol that may be the case under Indian law (I really wouldn't know), but that is not relevant here under British law. Law is law, you can't ignore the law of the country you live in just because your culture may be different.

If the woman couldn't be deported because she claimed domestic violence, but that claim was 'thrown out of court', what is to stop her from being deported now?

I only cited the law to show you that when she took the gold she may not have been 'stealing' as the OP put it. That in her national and cultural context she would have seen it as her property. She may still be unhinged, who knows, but the gold can easily be placed in context.

Agatha - she has remarried so would assume that is why

"Potol that may be the case under Indian law (I really wouldn't know), but that is not relevant here under British law. Law is law, you can't ignore the law of the country you live in just because your culture may be different."

is the gold even subject to criminal law? surely it belongs to both of them and would have been divvied up in a divorce settlement?

Just to clear up a few points: She categorically wasn't shipped in. She consented to come here of her own free will-even called him repeatedly when he came back from India after meeting her initially trying to rush the marriage through. I feel she may have just wanted to come to the UK rather than the fact she was in love with dear friend. Both DH and I tried to warn him at the time not to rush into things but he still went ahead.

ripsishire-she's married an English guy (hence her deportation was revoked).

potol, there may be bias on my part because she stole a pendant and cash from me!!!!! So damn right I'd side with my friend!! As for him keeping the gold, he did that because she cleared his bank accounts (over £5000), leaving him not a penny. Yes it was a joint account, but surely, if she had a decent bone in her body, she would take half and not everything he had saved up?? I completely agree that good friends can make shit husbands, but as far as I could see, he really tried his best.

Thanks v much others for positive advice. I've sent him an email this morning so hopefully it will help..