False accusations of domestic violence (long, sorry!)

[ebmummy]

Grr, just spent 30 minutes typing this out, only to lose it all!

Ok, so I have a dear friend who I have known for 25+ years (since we were 5!). I was his lodger throughout his 3 year marriage to his wife until his divorce in 2009. Basically he had an arranged marriage with his woman in India (he's Hindu). She was a complete bitch, really nasty to him, me and my dbf (now dh). She hit him and was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. On one occasion, she was so unhinged I taped the incident on my phone and called the Police, but nothing was done cos he wouldn't press charges).

Long story short, she started pilphering their joint account (he was the only one who worked), and moved in with another fella. She also stole items from the house (including from me) and left. He filed for divorce, and Immigration tried to deport her (she was on a marriage visa) but she claimed domestic violence. She thus allowed to stay, despite the fact she couldn't prove it, HE could. And as I was there all the time (studying for my PhD), I could verify he was never violent towards her (he's the kindest gentlest guy I know, apart from DH!)

Anyway since then she's been going around his close tight-knit community saying he's impotent, he's not a man, that he stole her gold (he managed to hold onto some of the gold that HIS family gave to them as gifts for their wedding). He wants to meet someone new, but can't cos of the mud-slinging (he's married the guy she moved in with btw). Is there anything he can do? Obviously he's a long-time dear friend and want to see him happy as well as DH and I being fed-up of him moping around our house every weekend cos of what this spiteful woman is doing

It surprises me greatly that your only response to this attack was to tell her to 'back off, you're on candid camera'; it makes me think he wasn't being hit too hard if the most assistance you saw fit to offer was filming the incident. Invading privacy would be the last thing to pop into my mind as a complaint if I was being beaten and that was the response of the other person who could have helped me. I would also be a bit if the incident was being filmed in order to shock the victim into going to the police. You were far too involved in this man's life and I wonder about your motivation. It's all very Garpish.

Generally, if a woman is being clobbered the attacker has a height and weight advantage and also the advantage of being the aggressor/advantage of surprise, so the physical effects tend to be more severe.

If I understand it, the court case where the 40 character witnesses were required was part of deportation hearings? Or was it a criminal case of DV that she brought in order to have a paper trail and to introduce the matter in deportation hearings?

Look, math, you might be trying to help, you might be stirring the pot. I don't know. And i certainly don't know about YOUR motivation in any of these posts. You might even BE her (in which case, give me my damn stuff back). But you can't justify dv, you can't justify that cos she's a woman, she won't 'hurt him that much', or she 'couldn't have hit him that hard'. Dv is dv is dv. I really don't have to justify what I did (what I still would do for anyone I cared about). If you have a problem with that, then be glad we're not friends. Advice boards are just that, advice boards. I tend to think if I can help someone I will. I don't think you can help or advise me any further.

Have to say I'm disgusted and shocked to the core with the attitude towards attacks of dv towards this victim purely because he happens to be male and can see why certain quarters view mn on occasion as a bunch of man hating feminists! Can you IMAGINE the reaction if a male poster were to say some of these things to a female poster who was a repeated victim of dv? He couldn't have been hitting you that hard, he probably only did it because you allowed your male friend to lodge with you, your male friend shouldn't have tried to gain evidence for police??!! Really? No, I mean really???? For fucks sake!

Lil, I know! Thought I was going mad. How can people justify these things?! Really disappointed when you realize that there are STILL people out there who would stand by and let this happen. They should be ashamed.

As far as your friend's situation is concerned - he can still press charges of dv against this woman - as presumably he will have known her maiden and married (to him) surname, there will be a paper trail which will allow the police to easily track her down. All he needs to do us go into any police station (with a friend for support if he so wishes) and ask to speak to a dv trained officer (there will be male as well as female ones) or call the police non-emergency number, who will take brief details and will send out (again dv trained) officers. The stalking, defaming etc will come under the same umbrella and dealt with, and her new dh may also find himself facing charges. Hopefully this will allow him to start getting his life back together. He may also consider counseling to allow him to deal with the traumas he has been through. Hth.

OP, I'm sure witnessing a dv incident was very upsetting and I dont know how I would react in such a situation what I believe is the action you took was probably one of the better choices.

Often DV against men is not regarded as a serious issue.

As it has been proven that she is prone to fabrication can he not sue her for defamation? I'm not a lawyer so I can't really advise - maybe get more info on this in the Legal topic.

Also am shocked at the attitudes to DV towards men on here. Nothing condones it and shame on anyone who thinks it is any less disgusting than DV towards women.

ade, yes it was very upsetting. It was one of many incidents. DF would not complain or see the Police cos he found it embarrassing. But yet people like mathanxiety, who don't know him think it's ok cos he's the man so naturally bigger than a woman so it couldn't have "hurt that much'. Nice huh?

What about ea? That doesn't hurt physically at all, but the effects are just as bad. Seriously, it questions one's faith in humanity...

It is attitudes like that that stop male victims of dv seeking help, but please believe me when I say that if your df did take his complaints to the police he would not be made to feel stupid, embarrassed, ashamed or any less of 'a man' - he would be treated with the same kindness and compassion as a woman in his situation would be, and that is exactly how it should be. There are some nasty bullying women out there, the same as there are men, and the men who initially love them can and do feel the same conflicting feelings of confusion, shame, self loathing etc. sorry, rant over

If my friend was being battered in front of me, I would react differently to OP. I can't imagine seeing violence infront of me, and running off to get my mobile to record it. I wouldn't continue to live with people I thought stole from me and were violent, I would move. I wouldn't keep talking about negative things that happened years back over and over again when I was with a visiting friend.

Well, sophie, if I were you, I would bother reading posts before commenting on them. She stole my belongings THEN left. I DIDN'T continue living with her. I DIDN'T run off to get my mobile. The dv started as ea (which it often does), and I warned her to stop or I would record it and call the Police. She didn't, and I called the Police. Should I have not? Maybe allow things to continue. I filmed them as PROOF. Why is this so incredulous. I would have done the same for a female friend who was beaten by her male partner. EXACTLY the same. WHy should it be different in this case?! I DON"T continue talking about this 'over and over' with my friend. HE came to us on Sunday outlining his problem and I posted on here thinking someone may be able to provide legal advice. I posted in the wrong section-should've gone to the legal bit. I GET IT. You have suffered dv (as I read from a previous post). I'm sorry for your experience but it doesn't give you carte-blanche to be derogatory to other people's experiences. You don't like what I did, that's fine. As I said before, please feel free to go to other threads and comment there. Yet you keep coming back!! Why?!

You can't control who posts where OP. Hth

I'm not trying to Sophie. Clearly you have trouble actually reading a post!! Just wondering why you're repeatedly posting that you don't agree with what I did. It has been duly noted

Your posts make you sound angry and unhappy OP!

Not in the slightest sophie. I find it really interesting that you keep insisting I'm 'angry', 'unhappy', 'negative', 'obsessed with the past'.. Do you know me in RL? It's also interesting that of all the posters on this thread, you seem to be the only one who feels this way. In any case, DV is a bit of a serious subject (do you not think?), so please forgive me if it sounds very serious.

Do you also think, perhaps, that your previous experience is causing you to look unfavourably on my actions as you said your ex-p's friends are horrid to you as they only have your ex's version of events? Is that why? Again I will reiterate that every case is different. Every episode of dv is different but the consequences are the same. Please don't negate what other victims go through.

Due to your posts OP, I feel very sorry for your friend and others who come into contact with you in rl. I am the second poster you have personally attacked on this thread.

For what it's worth OP I see you as a good friend who needs to take a step back - I'd go with what SGB suggested

OP I think your friend as had a lucky escape from the passport hunting bitch and is very lucky to have a real friend like you and your DH.

Generally, if a woman is being clobbered the attacker has a height and weight advantage and also the advantage of being the aggressor/advantage of surprise, so the physical effects tend to be more severe

One of my close male friends was a victim of DV. His then partner would wait till he was fast asleep and then punch him in the face with full force. Not surprisingly he now has sleep problems.

Not sure what your problem with the op is sophie, but from where I'm standing I can only see attacks you've made on her, and not the other way round. Like ebm has said - if you're not happy with the thread content you don't have to post on it. Just saying.

MrGin, 'Generally'.

I think you're missing the point Math.

One of my close female friends was a victim of DV. Her then partner would wait till she was pregnant and then punch her in the face with full force and to devastating effect since she would use her arms to protect her foetus. Not surprisingly she now has sleep problems as he managed to break her nose twice.

And since he pushed for visitation rights, the same babies she protected to the extent of sacrificing her face now have to spend every second weekend, time over school holidays, etc., with him.