Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ive been away from this thread for ages. I think I missed you both joining; what are your situations? Pink it sounds like you are seperated but still living together?

I'm no longer in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I left one early last year after years of being made to think I was just being over-emotional and over reacting to the ravings of someone who was drunk and therefore allowed to say whatever he liked as long as he apologised the next day.

I've not read your entire thread, but I just wanted to say that you're all incredibly brave and please, do not ever feel like you're an unworthy mother if/when you finally decide you can no longer be with these men. The thing with an emotionally abusive man is they've trodden you down for so long, that they know you'll feel like that when they've gone. If he's spent however long making you think you're useless, worthless and selfish, all of that is going to creep up on you when you try to move forward.

It gets easier. So many times I thought I was wrong, that I should just let him back and make everyone's lives easier, and the only thing that helped was holding onto how he made me feel at the worst points, how many times he'd promised to stop, manipulated me by crying and put me down in front of friends and family.

You're a perfectly worthy mother, and you have every right to live without being made unhappy by anyone. Keep looking forward and concentrate on your future. I now it seems like the hardest thing in the world right now, but with every day that passes you'll realise that you're worth so much more x

thank you captain

I was just reading back down the page. Haha, I said to hissy, that I enjoyed feeling angry and indignant these days, after years of suppressing my feelings

Maybe this is more feelings that I have suppressed; better out than in huh?!

I am divorced but still under the same roof.

I lasted out a v long time, a triumph of hope over reason. I have a diagnosis of bi-polar (but psych now agrees with me its prob AS and ADD), my depression has been blamed on this but a lot of it has been due to my relationship. Ex has been verbally, emotionally and financially abusive - he is a cocklodger. I kept thinking he would come good, we have lived on money from DF (to my shame), although I have had jobs, always ended in depression, and ex has been self-employed but never put the effort in. He thinks cooking and loading and unloading the dishwasher is doing his fair share, despite agreeing to share more several times but making no change to his behaviour.

Ex cannot move out till financial settlement agreed and he has got more of my money DD(20) still at home, I have not told the DC about the cock-lodging, let them think he was pulling his weight. (I did speak a little about this to DD last night. She is rooting for ex as he is 'the underdog'!!!!)

gah! they follow such a pattern. Did your financial agreement (consent order isnt it?) not get drawn up at the same time as the decree nice? My solicitor is adamant that it is all done together (I just do what she tells me, so dont really understand)

That must be so hard for you, with the dc siding with him. Will she see him for what he is eventually do you think? Does he manipulate the kids?

As neither of us have much pension, and kids are over 18, there was no point waiting to go for absolute. I did begin negotiation before then, but ex refused to supply any financial details, or any proposal apart from 50/50, so have had to go legal route. Part of this was being assessed for mediation, ex did not even reply to letter inviting him to make appointment. He has lied on Form E (he may believe his own lies), have had 1st appt, and 2nd is at end of June. He is representing himself as sols 'are just out to make money out of you'

Things are sort of OK between DD and me. I have said I will say more when she has more life experience.

pink IME the legal system works in our favour? are you confident you will get a fair deal?

I think I have a good case, and a good solicitor.

I made a very fair offer, given all the circumstances. My case is based on 3 out of the 5 things they can consider.

Well done bejeezus for finally being free. It does take a while to realise what's happened and to come to terms with it. It finally dawned on me when I realised how very happy I was now without all the shit from him. Who honestly needs a drunk, vomiting, shitty, bad-tempered controlling arse around? None of us. I only wish I hadn't stayed so long.
Unfortunately, thanks to him,I honestly don't believe there are any nice, trustworthy, kind men out there anymore .

thank you blue I have stopped crying, had a bath and feel ready for the kids to come home (although dreading it too)

I dont even care if there are any kind men out there- cant imagine I will ever be interested again

I should have ending things 3.5 years ago whne his drinking was at crisis point; he was hospitalised, lost driving licence, lost job, lost home....

I did end it but I had him back. Since then we have had dd2. One of my mums criticisms of me is that I used him to have dd2, and I shouldnt have because i already knew I didnt want to be with him.

The awful thing is, I think she has a point, although it was never that cold blooded. I wanted it to work, and I hoped it would work and I tried to make it work to the best of my abilities. BUT I think part of the reason, I couldnt let go that first time round is because I only had dd1. I felt really strongly about dd not being an only child. And, I felt really strongly about not having children with different fathers. And of course my own selfish desire to have another baby; the thought of not having another child, I found really painful. Was it really awful of me? I think I even had a conscious thought about, 'why shouldnt I get what I want out of this marriage, after all the shit Ive put up with?'

Do you know, I felt exactly the same for the last year together. I didn't have any more kids (I only have one) but every time I went shopping I had to use the joint account card and he never checked the till receipts, so I often got £10 or £20 cash back and kept it hidden under a corner of the carpet under the stairs. When I eventually left, there was £2000 there. I thought that was a small compensation for how he'd treated me . Don't feel guilty, you have two lovely DC's, treasure them. You don't need to be so hard on yourself, he's done enough of that already!

Beej. this is only the beginning. There will be ups, there will be downs but at least you will feel them, grow and move on...rather than suppressing, existing and shrinking to fit your life.

Just to round off the "Soap opera on the hill"

NSDH actually bought a scalextric for DS...not on listobviously! I am suppressing mirth at the need for him to have the biggest box on the pile, DS put it together for his sisters to play with and is now upstairs doing his own thing. Even my totally gift orientated son can see through Daddy buying the love (this is the same man whom the DCs don't know has not given us a penny in the last 6 months..not maintenance, not mortgage, not nothing!). I am poor as a church mouse but at least i know DS wants what I have got him. NSDH could have had that pleasure too if he'd just believed the list!!!!!!

Well done for keeping your pecker up, Fool.
FWX said today that he got the feeling that I would prefer him to f* off and die.
Evil thoughts apart , won't it be nice when, in the words of the song:

Hah! DB had a Scalextrix, twas the bane of DM's life! All the bits of track... Maybe things have got better in the last umptitiddly years, but one car was always faster than the other, so it would turn into a squabble over who had which car.

Am supposed to be tidying for the valuation, but just feel lethargic.

Thanks for being with me today

Kids came home about 430pm; I feel much better with them here. Stbxh must be really struggling in a new place without them

Dd1 was upset when I told her, but not distraught. she keeps asking questions about where he is? what is he sleeping on? has he got somewhere to keep his clothes etc which is to be expected I suppose

Interestingly though, I said dad would come to the house and take her to school if she wanted. But she doesnt want hm to, because she wants me to go into class and tell her teacher that dad has left (she knew it was happening soon) so that Miss can 'look after her'. Bit odd; almost like she is enjoying the attention that she gets around it MORE than she is upset IYSWIM. But I suppose kids have funny ways of processing stuff

Looking forward to sleep, head pounding

I LOVED scalectrics when i was a lass. It is brill; post it here if unwanted

Well done for getting though today bejeezus The kids will be fine. No, our situations are not perfect, but they are a shit load better that putting up with shit loads of shit. 'scuse my French.
If it is any help, I so so wish I had stood up for myself 20 years ago :(

So do I fingers.

thank you fingers.. I suppose we all should have got out sooner?

He came round for breakfast this morning, which I think was good for the kids...DD1 is mostly worried that she will never see him again, so I think its important for him to be spending time with them as much as he can...

I dont know how long it will last. He didnt spend much time with them at all when he lived here. he is living in a bedsit which nearly floored me...I cant carry his grief and sadness as well either though can I??

I do feel better this morning. But I cant ever imagine not feeling sad. Where did all my anger go???? What i expected to feel, was relief

fingers and today are you both out now?

Hi bejeezus. I was reading your posts over the weekend.

One piece of advice from me...NO, you cannot carry his grief and sadness for him. It took me a while to learn that lesson, but once I did I felt better (still feeling very sad, but less anxious).

How he feels is not your responsibility. Plus - think about it - if you feel bad for him...who does that help? Not you, not him, not your DC. Focus on you and being kind to yourself.

Just roll with your feelings for now. Don't worry about when you are feeling what, just let it happen and try to do the best that you can. And keep posting on here.

Bejeezeus, it sounds as though your daughter is going through a bit of emotional struggle. She is worried about him - she may be wondering what would happen if she had to leave home, what would happen to her. This has probably made her feel very unsure and slightly unsafe - don't feel bad about it, but it's the way kids think - she obviously has enormous empathy, but she is clearly worried. I suggest you find a way to reassure her that Daddy's fine - let him reassure her if possible.

She will genuinely want to be looked after at school, it must be very confusing for her and she is probably feeling a great sense of loss. She will need to know that there is communication between you and the teacher and that there is a proper handover taking place. I'm sure you have done this already, but it's possible that she hasn't really understood that and needs reassurance.

Please can I join. Just sat contemplating what to do about my marriage. We have two children together.

We have spent nearly 9 years together and he has never been affectionate (despite telling me he is ), always has to be right, lectures me, disparaging about things I like, likes to 'read my mind' where sex is concerned, usually I have just gone to him for a hug, he holds very racist and sexist views but does not shout from top of rooftops but he's said some pretty awful things at times that have made me LOL in disbelief.

He can be emotional over the relationship and last time we separated he told me he loved me (first and last time) and had been crying...he talked to our neighbour (very sensible older lady, divorced from EA husband herself) and she told me some of what he said. At the same time he drops hints while discussing other people that he would stop working and cut us off financially if we split, last time he would not see dc on a frequent basis as 'other fathers I know in same situation dont' and I don't want to get their hopes up'...both were leverage to getting me back as well as the emotional declaration of love. I went back for the dc to have their daddy and for him and his 'love' for me. Not for myself. I was wrong, I should have been stronger.

Now I'm wavering to stay or to ask him to leave. I'm in two minds whether his love is genuine or if i'm just a 'household appliance' (like that expression), how nasty he is going to get, what to do financially. I know I need to see CAB and a solicitor and an accountant but I dont' want to say the words out loud that will break up our marriage, I don't want to make it real because its all so scary and I hate being alone and I worry I will not be strong enough to keep going through this. I don't want the children to be heart broken (dc1 for the second time, dc2 too young to remember).

After the conversation we had a week last sunday over a few main issues in our relationship where he made it all my fault (maybe he's right, some of it is my fault) I dont' see where else we can go from this point. THe most important point to him I would say is that he is getting no sex and I dont' want him anywhere near me after the way he dismissed my issues in the relationship.

How do you take the first step when you are the one to initiate it? (also going on holiday (without him) this wkend and dont' want to start ball rolling with that in the middle...last time we split up he burnt a number of my possesions and some of the childrens toys, he had told my neighbour this and she got the impression he felt he was doing me a favour). So I don't want to split this week and come back to an empty house iyswim. (Attila, I'm trying to work through what is holding me back :) and that one is quite major for me!)

TIA Sorry its so long

on the practical side of things, you could;
ask him to leave and change the locks before you go on holiday; it would be quite nice to come back from holiday refreshed and start looking after yourselves with him already gone and that battle behind you?

OR

Make a solicitors free initial appointment for when you get back, to talk about divorce/your options?

It is so overwhelming if you think about the whole situation and the upset for the kids etc etc etc. If you are going to do it, you need to take teeney tiny baby steps (IMO) which arent too daunting, and eventually you will get there

sorry curtains how rude of me! Hi, welcome

bejeezus, I've taken your advice and here I am. So sorry to read what you have been going through over these last few days and amazed that, despite it, you have found the energy to give me advice- thank you.
I haven't read all of the thread but will have a go now.

Welcome poppy