Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

999 replies

foolonthehill · 12/04/2012 09:54

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 02/05/2012 23:01

re food....
I currently have not one but 2 celery hearts in the fridge to nibble...this has been normal for me for ...um yes about 5 months now.....i am not on some mad diet. It wasn't allowed in the house when NSDH was here! I am making up for 13 years of celery deprival.........

now I do sound mad as a hatter

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 02/05/2012 23:12

Good thing you've got here to talk about - what was it now hissy - your post put me in mind of it? er... Oh yes, anger, wasn't it [wink}?

I had a fish supper from the chip shop today

TodaysAGoodDay · 03/05/2012 07:49

Hi sunrise yes, you can, but make sure you turn off the airbag for that seat before you do. I took my son in the front from birth with the airbag off.

Oh goodness fool I'd completely forgotten about the 'you're not having that in the house' crap. With me it was celery and rice cakes. And popcorn at the cinema. Another reason I'm glad I'm on my own.

arthriticfingers · 03/05/2012 08:37

Oh Hissy :( I saw your post on another thread and wanted to send hugs. Please be proud of yourself. You are young have a beautiful young son and your whole lives in front of you. This is because you had the strength to do this yourself.
When my children were small, I used the excuse that I did not have anywhere to go as a pathetic excuse reason to stay. You didn't.
It won't be easy rebuilding. But nothing worthwhile is
It won't be easy letting your mother and sister go - but, take it from me, that life will be a whole lot lighter without them. Yes, that took me years, too.
Look after yourself and your son.
Oh, of course, as well as being fat, we are all completely inadequate as well Wink long live us!

TheHappyHissy · 03/05/2012 09:43

oh bless you fingers. I'll be 44 this year, while that is not in the carbon dating realm (HEY! what an excellent name for a dating site for, ahem, older peeps) I realise that the last 10 so important years were a total waste. I had a child with someone who I should have never put up with, and basically binned my entire life.

I have nothing, practically no-one, and it could have been so different if I had have had the confidence I deserve to have, enough to state that x, y or z was unacceptable to me and to stand my ground. Took me over 10 years (and a lot of MN) to see/do that. It's so tiring to see what I allowed to be taken from me, and to see that tbh, I'll never get that chance back at life again.

OK so I'm dating again, so there is hope of a new and different way of being, there is the sense of me being able to move on, away from the past, and into a totally alien concept, that of living with normal people.

Kernowgal · 03/05/2012 09:49

The food thing is hilarious - I buy most of the food (he supplies vegetables as he grows them) and god forbid I buy something that's not seasonal and/or local. He shouted at me (in front of his kids) to "KNOW YOUR FOOD!" when I dared to serve him a delicious teriyaki chicken with (Spanish) pak choi. Should I have swum to Spain and picked the fucking pak choi myself?

He then buys shit food for his kids when they come to stay yet goes on about what a crap diet their mum gives them. The irony is that I try to buy local, seasonal, free-range and healthy food wherever possible but I earn fuck all and am feeding two of us and still get it in the neck!

I bought two lovely chocolate slices recently and shared them with them (we had half of each) and he said "next time just buy one cake each". I should have stoved his face in with the breadmaker at that point.

Kernowgal · 03/05/2012 09:50

The other blessed irony is that at the moment we have my brother staying and dear OH has taken to making snide remarks about my brother not pulling his weight around the house. OH does NOTHING around the house apart from an occasional bit of hoovering if his kids' dog has shed its hair everywhere. He must honestly think there's a bathroom fairy. He cooks once a fortnight at most but gets shitty if there isn't any dinner for him.

ThePinkPussycat · 03/05/2012 09:51

Oh hissy hope I wasn't too flippant. If it's any help, I'm nearly 60 and now feel I can get on with what I want to do. Ex was part of my life for 40 years, but I don't count it a waste - I managed to fit a life in. Maybe you made more use of those 10 years than you yet realise...

TheHappyHissy · 03/05/2012 09:55

I wrote elsewhere about the re-entry into Normal life.

Most of us never lived on Planet Normal. We were raised on Manipulo, a distant planet that has become so unstable, that it is no longer viable to sustain meaningful life.

So our planet inhabitable, we were forced to come to this planet. Planet Normal.

We were among the lucky ones to get out when we could. We know there are others still there, but there are other transports waiting for them, when they are ready to come too.

We are not Normals ourselves, we look like them, sound like them, walk, eat and talk like them. Our job here on Planet Normal is not to over-run, dominate or invade, our role here is to join the population, to blend in and to learn from the inhabitants here.

In exchange, we have much to teach Normals, should they wish to learn.

We are more psychologically astute, we have finely tuned instincts. Our powers of perception are so great as to be able to tell a person's mood by the way they walk along a hall way, or the way a door is opened. We pick up every subtlety, every nuance. We are experts in making others feel at ease, at home and calm. We can diffuse a situation in seconds. we can handle almost ANYTHING thrown at us, metaphorically or even physically. We bounce back.

There is much that we too can teach Normals, if they ever need us to, but what they have to show us is wondrous, it's unfamiliar, but ultimately it will mean that we too have a long, happier and healthier life than we would have ever had on Manipulo.

Grin
PillarBoxRedRoses · 03/05/2012 09:59

Oh Hissy, I love that. I might draw a picture of planet Manipulo now, to distract myself from thinking about my messed up spaghetti head!

TheHappyHissy · 03/05/2012 10:01

I think Planet Normal might be a nicer view! Grin

TheHappyHissy · 03/05/2012 10:03

hands a fecking medal to Kernowgal

If I were a judge, I'D let you off for murder... Grin

ThePinkPussycat · 03/05/2012 10:05

roses just so long as it shows the escape routes on your picture...

PillarBoxRedRoses · 03/05/2012 10:05

Depends whether I want my masterpiece artwork to express my rage or my happy, future looking side

TheHappyHissy · 03/05/2012 10:12

Roses: perhaps it's a piece in 2 parts?

Pink: I barely lived when I was with him, the last 3 years abroad I barely left the apartment. Eventually out of choice. Only NOW am I coming back up for air, but with a more complete understanding of what happened, and what I have missed.

I've achieved so much in a year. I know. I've pushed myself so hard. I know that I have climbed so far, I think I need to remember not to look down too often. Grin

I'm feeling less crappy today, I have therapy this afternoon, so can exorcise some of the crap stuff whizzing about in my head.

ThePinkPussycat · 03/05/2012 10:35

hissy I know you had a much worse 10 years than any of mine ever were. Just saying that, painful though they may have been, they may not have been wasted. Of course they should not have been like they were...

PillarBoxRedRoses · 03/05/2012 10:43

We'd all go crazy if we thought of them all as wasted years. And, to be honest, as strong and capable women, we would not have stayed if every second of every day had been terrible.

At least there's a benchmark there...for sadness and potential happiness.

TheHappyHissy · 03/05/2012 13:12

Roses, I think this may be a phase of thinking we go through. I get anger in waves, they pass. I get sadness in waves, it passes.

The feelings HAVE to be acknowledged somehow I think.

PillarBoxRedRoses · 03/05/2012 13:15

I am still stuck in the phase of feeling utterly responsible for all the wrong in his life. Can't seem to focus on me at all!

And yes, I think it is really important to feel every feeling and ride through it. You can get too good at suppressing stuff and trying to play positive....it never works in the end.

arthriticfingers · 03/05/2012 13:23

Lundy has a lot to say about rebuilding and dealing with the anger and guilt we aim at ourselves for putting up with so much for so long.
I haven't really been at the point of wanting to face up to all of that

  • I am 52 and have been with FWH for 30 years
  • it is hard not to see it all as a life down the plughole, but we will all get to Hissy's planet normal.
sunrise65 · 03/05/2012 13:47

hissy I love your post about planet normal. Genius!

Refuge probably will have a place tomorrow. I'm terrified but gonna have to go for it. I don't even know where to begin with packing. I have a list which is huge. Confused

ThePinkPussycat · 03/05/2012 13:53

have pm'd you, fingers

roses interestingly for me and ex the divorce settlement will be the final act in us being responsible for each other's lives.

LittleHouseofCamelias · 03/05/2012 14:23

fingers In reply to your poser about why the FWH does no DIY or gardening: I think it is because those jobs are for the lower orders and special people like FWHs are not expected to clean the toilet/unblock the drain/empty the bins/mow the lawn because they have More Important Things to do.

Since I left my FWH has paid staff to run around after him. And the DC Sad

and roses while you are still involved it is hard to stop feeling responsible. You are trained to it. But after 18 months out when FWH blames me for things he can't find/hasn't done I just laugh in wonder that any adult can be so deluded.
I LEFT YOU!! Your are responsible for yourself now. Get used to it!! And no I haven't hidden the rolling pin!!!

I like Planet Normal hissy the people there are so kind to each other, and so slow to take offence.
I realise my DC have been brought up on Manipulo and need a long holiday where things are done differently to reprogram them.
What phrases could I use to them to explain that being hypersensitive and taking offence is an overreaction? And that nobody is critiicising them? They are like twitchy racehorses...

PillarBoxRedRoses · 03/05/2012 14:30

It is amazing how much you neglect your emotional wellbeing when you are responsible for someone elses isn't it? I don't actually know how to emotionally take care of myself!

Practically I won't be responsible for much longer....it's turning off the emotional bit.

Neither my ex or I can get over the fact that I was the one to do the leaving (him...how could I leave someone so wonderful? me...how did I manage to see the light?). Massively bruised ego....and who is apparently supposed to fix that? Me!

arthriticfingers · 03/05/2012 14:46

They are like twitchy racehorses...
about describes my kids, too. Littlehouse
I think grinning and bearing is in order. I have a theory that they have kept quiet about a lot of things, and stropping at home to get the feelings out is better than getting in trouble outside.
Although I do point out that being horrible to anyone is not acceptable.
Will it all come out in the wash? Maybe. Let's hope so, anyway.

Swipe left for the next trending thread