Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships number *8*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change

I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I have ignored him

Well done RKG. I know that feeling, your mind can't help searching for a killer reply!

It's a struggle. I've dipped. I feel weak. I want to reply defending myself and I want him back. I won't though. This will pass. I hope.

Rachel - you're not living with this guy are you? Would it be possible to just never see him again?

Those texts are nasty and vindictive but also immature and irrational.

Do not reply - vent on here. I can say cunt in 3 languages if it helps.

No I don't live with him.

He has a link to my work, but not much longer. Now I'm not helping him, he'll have to move to his mums, and he has to do one thing at work in four weeks time, then he's gone for good.

Rachel do not reply, you'll get dragged in which is what he wants. There is no point, if he is anything like my dp he will twist anything to his advantage...well in his mind. Just try to move on with your day and save the texts to another folder in your phone.

My dp has taken ds out for the day....again for years I have been trying to get him to join in with family life, Sundays are usually his time for a lie in, I have not had a lie in for years. How is it that now, when I no longer want his company and am cold with him he is up before me, he sleeps in another room, in ds's bedroom reading stories and now out for a fun day? When we were actually together I could not get him to do anything with us? It is great in one way as I can have an easier day with just dd, but it is annoying and transparent and I wonder how long this act will last, seems to me you cannot morph from disinterested in your dcs to caring like that, I feel like it is based on my behaviour to him. Then when I think this I wonder if I am like him, self centred and making it all about me? I'm in knots! Then think who cares, ds has fun as loves dp, I get a break so win win for me and ds, and dd gets better time with me with 2 year old ds!

I have been googling legal aid solicitors as I need to know where I stand before I reply. To dp's letter from his solicitor. Any ideas how I can more easily find a legal aid solicitor, do I just call them on Monday?

pink being under the same roof is so hard. I worry that what is happening with your dd will eventually in many years be what happens to me, ds and dd will think dp is great as they will only see Jekyll, though then I think he cannot hide that selfishness and does not now... To make matters worse my dp works from home a lot....pink hopefully yours will be away from you tomorrow and you get some peace at work?

Without 2 year old ds

I'm sorry I'm not giving at the moment. I feel really selfish. I'm just spinning.

Right now, I'm going bananas because he hasn't reacted to the fact that I've ignored him.

I'm sad it's over.

I'm sad that I'm sad that it's over when I think of how he's behaved towards me.

Having a cup of tea. Need to get strong again.

choozy he has been 'working from home' (hah!) for 18 years, I have worked twice but depression got the better of me and also been a student and got depressed. Would have been better if I had had some support! Yesterday was just a blip, my depression has lifted wondrously since filing for divorce, although still get stressed, obviously. We are now actually divorced, but he can't afford to move out till he has had more of my money the settlement is done.

todaysagoodday how are you getting on?
i think abusers make an effort with otehr people because it's part of their act. No one would ever believe what a horrible bastard they are to you because they are so charming. When my ex pushed me and punched a hole in the door in one of his rages i called his mother to pick him up. she came round and said 'but look he's so tired, he works so hard...people deal with stress in different ways..' also she would always say how 'so and so says that they think you are such a great guy, such a charming young man, such a great dad...' ARRGHH and breathe... :)

I am in the process of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship after 10 years.
I have posted here before about the relationship and how he doesn't let me have close friends go on mums nights out ( in fact any night unless with him ) tells me what colour underwear I should wear, treats me like dirt in front of the kids etc etc .... I have finally made him accept the relationship is over ( has taken me 3 months ) and received a letter from his solicitor yesterday saying if I try to move with the children out of the area he will take me to court to stop me.
I want to move near my mum about 45 minuets away from where we are now.
Can he really stop me?
I can't believe he will still be controlling me even when I am not with him.
One of the reasons I want to move is to keep some distance between us as he has recorded my telephone conversations in the past and follows me sometimes too. I don't trust him not to just turn up and I am afraid it will upset the children.

I'm really, really struggling. He's texted to tell me I'm obviously not bothered, I tell him I love him (I know). And he says that's emotional blackmail. So I don't text, and I get grief for not texting.

RKG - look at what he's said and the way he has said it. He is talking to you like you are the enemy. He is not speaking as someone who is concerned, worried, wants you back, has remorse and is sorry. That's the way anyone else would feel if they had been accused of being abusive. He knows he has been, so he's trying to hit back at you - if he were innocent he would be questioning what's going on and why and how can he make it better.

Try thinking of what good man would say. He's not a good man. Sorry.

rachel I can't link to it as am on my phone but find, if you can the page on the Freedom Programme that compares the 'dominator' to the 'friend'. Look at your (ex) OH is acting and contrast it, as horse says, with how a good man would act in this situation.

Blimey Littlehouse, I don't know how you manage to sit by while ex twat learns how to bake cakes and play happy Daddies in the family house.

Do you think they see through his behaviour? I'm really worried mine will grow up thinking their Dad's Mr Perfect and I'm the crazy failure.

May I have some words of wisdom please? "he" had a very controlled childhood, (he never says woe is me, almost thinks its normal), worked in the family business as soon as he was big enough, no real childhood, physical punishment for every misdemeanour, whether big or small). His exes have all left him for new men. He is extremely controlled... shows little emotion, can't show he cares, has drunk heavily since he was 13 (48 now). Says he would never let himself be jealous. Will do loads FOR me, just not WITH me. Our sexlife is almost non existant. It was wild when we first met, then he started saying he was losing his libido. Around that time I found some very dirty texts he sent to another woman. Also found through the texts that he'd lied to me about some stuff. He is controlling with his money... I have been off work recently and without any overtime I've been struggling. He wouldn't give me any money because I'd spend it on something stupid (I wanted to get my prescription drugs). He says because he isn't doing anything ie hitting, or shouting or insulting, that he's not doing anything. He's friendly to outsiders but cold to me. Not affectionate. About 5 years ago I took an overdose. I got over wrought because he'd been out drinking every night, all week, and then it was my birthday and he was too tired to take me out or buy me anything. So I od'd on my birthday. He picked me up the next day from the hospital... dropped me home, then went to the pub for the rest of the day. If I try to talk to him he starts shouting, then I'm defensive, then we row, then I'm a "hysterical mad cow". He makes me feel inadequate. Am I neurotic? There's loads more.

Cherrytree, my heart goes out to you. One of the books I read talks about how personality disorders develop. It is likely that his behaviour is a result of the brutality in his childhood and it is unlikely that things will change now. It may be the reason he's drinking and it is probably the reason he abuses you.

Dysfunction is what makes him tick, it's what keeps him going. He doesn't want love and closeness and support because he's never had it before. Mine is the same in that respect.

No, you are not neurotic, just very unlucky to have met this man.

You could do with reading some of the literature at the beginning of the thread.

How long have you been together?

He does treat me like the enemy. He really does. When I do something for him, it isn't good enough.

I know he isn't a good man. I'm going into 2 hours since texts were exchanged.

And he will try anything to get you back. Women like you don't come along every day - woman that just wants him to see how much you care? Is that how he's kept you hooked, perhaps?

It's that old 'treat em mean, keep em keen' thing.

Yes that's it - supply and demand he calls it. I've been exercising my own view lately - as if we were in a partnership and I know he hasn't liked it. We split up last year, and I dated someone, and as soon as he caught wind of it, I got a new version of him - a loving one that professed undying love for me. I resisted, but then that 'relationship' (it wasn't serious, just nice dating) ended and his efforts continued. I was wary, but I let him in.

Ha! They're so predictable it's incredible. The truth is they can't change. Well it's extremely unlikely, and the sooner you understand that the better. I find that it relly helps when I say to him 'it's OK, you'll meet someone else who is just right for you' and then accept for myself that he will be fine without me. That helps me to detach. It's as much about letting him go as getting myself out.

horsetowater... we've been together 9 years. He told me once that when he was about 9 or 10 he'd done something wrong (he can't remember what, but as he wasn't allowed the freedom to go out and get up to anything terrible....) his Dad was beating him about the head and body, and when he collapsed to the floor his Dad was kicking him. A neighbour intervened. I cried when he told me that. Why didn't his mother protect him? She sickens me. She hit him too.

How awful. He has been broken, that's all, but he has to fix himself - you can't do that, and if there are dcs around you certainly won't be able to.

You can't rescue him. It's horrible and it's sad. I have only just realised that myself about my ex who had similar experiences.