Do they ever change?

[bekspolo]

Ok, I should start from the start!

First things first I'm a 33yr old single mum of one boy now nearly 4. I have somehow managed to be quite successful, I'm amazed at times the life I have, but I singlehanded support my son, His father says I clearly don't need help so he refuses to assist.

Anyway i went on a blind date with a guy I met off the net over a year ago. It was pretty bonkers but we had a connection over email, text and phone calls. We met in a very public place just in case any of you wonder if I'm doolally!

The attraction was instant - which considering it was a bit random I was quite surprised.

We've had an amazing year.......BUT.......he is 27 years old than me. Now the age gap has never bothered me, in fact he looks more like 17 years older, plus he is the fittest man I have ever met (and as someone who races in half ironmans I know a fit man when I see one!). As a bit of background he has a pretty high flying job himself in the medical industry and is at the top of his game. He has 2 children and an ex wife. He is a kind and generous person, and has treated me like an absolute princess. He does earn a ridiculous amount of money, but then I'm ok financially myself - and I've never been attracted to someone for financial gain. And we have our own homes, we don't live together but he did spend about 3 nights a week at mine.

But here's the problem. He it seems had insecurity issues, he had major issues about me being friends with other men, to the point he deleted all male contacts off my personal phone. On our anniversary he went nuts at me for engaging in conversation with another couple - despite the fact that he started the conversation! He gets very edgy if I mention men through my work - which is a bit difficult seeing as though in most situations I am the only woman.

So to cut a long story short 3 weeks ago I broke it off, because of his unreasonable behaviour - in essence he was controlling me, turning me into a nervous wreck. He has not given up, albeit allowed me space, but he has had flowers sent to my work (huge huge flowers) has been supportive when my work was difficult last week, but as a friend. He has allowed me space to move on - except I don't think I can. I love this man but hate him for being such a total div.

However he went to see a work colleague who is a professor of psychology who he asked her to walk him through my he is acting the way he is. He now tells me he understands the way he acted, is utterly mortified at some of the things he has said and done, has learnt from his mistakes and will change.

Am I right to question this? The truth is I am in love with him, but when he's awful he's bloody awful, but when he's brilliant he is absolutely amazing. People say we are soulmates, made for each other. But I'm not sure I can allow him back in my life with the worry that he may not have changed?

Don't know what to do, I'm not letting him go because I think hand on heart I want him back, but I'm frightened of being hurt.

Please be gentle, I appreciate a 27 year age gap may be quite disgusting for some, but genuinely the connection is there.

Thanks

I'm not disgusted by the age gap at all, I don't think that's an issue.

He deleted the male contacts off your phone? That's a huge issue. Personally I would run for the hills.

I think that if someone is abusive it is rare, but possible for them to change - but after 3 weeks? I don't think so.

I think that you are well out of it, sorry.

the age gap is irrellevant to his behaviour all i can go on is my ex husband who at the beggining of our relationship 8 years ago, treated me like a princess and kept saying you wont cheat on me will you, ive been hurt before when i was smitten and we moved to a different town the real man came out,

he isolated me, wouldnt let me talk to any man (accused me of sleeping with them) sulked and played up so much that i gave up every job i took, in the end i had enough and we moved back to where i live now, 8 years down the line he is living with the other woman who he had an affair with (not long ago) so the insecurity about me was to cover up that he is the serial cheater turned out he was living with his ex partner and 3 kids when he was chasing me long distance, oh by the way the age gap in my one was me 9 years older than him, so i would say they can adapt but change not usually

I am disgusted by his arsehole-like behaviour

I am also surprised (well, actually no I'm not, but anyway) that a successful independent woman such as yourself would have ever been swayed by ridiculous thoughts of "soulmates"

you would be foolish to think for one moment such entitled and immature behaviour could be overturned in a matter of days

Hmm so this highly controlling and insecure man tells you he's conveniently seen a psychologist colleague who, miraculously, cures him of his jealous behaviour in one chat and he is now absolutely reasonable?

Come on. Open your eyes. You are in love with him, or think you are, but you have to see the wood for the trees here. No rational man deletes all male contacts from a phone.

this man has more than an 'insecurity' issue. He has massive, massive control issues which will make your life utterly miserable. You have a child who will learn what a 'normal' relationship is based on the model you show him. You don't want to raise him with someone who cannot tolerate your male friends, your work environment or even you participating in a conversation he started when it doesn't suit him.

Christ, run - run for the bloody hills!!

I would be wary of any man who 'treated me like a princess', i would want to be treated as an equal and with respect.

If you were turned into a nervous wreck, then your parenting must have suffered, so there are wider issues to consider.

He hasn't changed after 3 weeks, men can change but it takes longer and needs more imput that what he has had.

I would take things slowly, if you decide to carry on with him, make clear bounderies and stick to them.

If you love him then try again. You'll be no worse off than you are now. He's taken advice, which is more than most do, they just think they're right and everyone else is to blame.

Give him a chance, whats the worst that can happen - you'll be back to where you are now.

BTE - the deleting thing - he probably feels a right tit now.

BTW

maybe im an optimist but perhaps give him time to prove himself from a distance?
u are obviously potty over the guy and it would seem he feels the same. i wouldnt throw away what you have just yet.
you are independent, you dont need him so what have u got to lose by giving him an opportunity to show you how he can be?
lay down some ground rules, tell him you will have male friends/colleagues etc. tell him how in love with him you are and that he cannot expect you to drop that for him.
i dont mind the age gap one bit, perhaps it plays a part in his insecireties though?
fiesty independent younger woman, i bet he cant believ his luck.
i know id give him a chance, good luck x

I am questioning it - hence posting here. I'm minded to think that someone as successful as he is and steadfast in his ways won't overnight change, but you never know stranger things have happened!

You have made your mind up to take him back then ?

Possessive behaviour is a tough habit to break and if he's the driven sort (competitive, successful, fitness freak) he'll never re ally be OK if he thinks there's anyone else getting your attention or 'winning'. The effusive love tokens are also a red-flag... emotional bullies often alternate appalling behaviour with excessive affection. It's a shame when you've connected with someone but, if he's already made you a nervous wreck inside a year, I can't see how one quick chat with a shrink has suddenly fixed his problem. Trust your instincts.

No I certainly have not made my mind up. I'm flitting between giving him another chance and telling him to shove it.

IMHO the age gap is irrelevant - you're both grown ups.

The controlling, possessive behaviour would leave me cold.

I can never understand why people persist in relationships that are simply fucking hard work

who told you that this is how relationships should be ?

that unless you have "obstacles" to overcome, "hard work" to be made, being made to feel like a nervous wreck and constant dramarama then it isn't "real"

fgs, spare us from the "treat 'em like princess" type of man, who will quickly make your life hell/dump you from a great height when you fail to live up to their lunatic "soulmate" expectations

Eggy I totally agree with you. Having wasted years in a relationship that was simply ----ing hard work, then met a decent, kind man ... suddenly I could see that a relationship could be affectionate, uncomplicated, and mostly fun. I think you'd be wise to invest your time and energy in yourself, your son, and... move on.

The appalling behaviour followed by excessive affection does ring true.... :/

However a comment further up re my parenting must have suffered is way off field, sorry!!

I should probably expand on the nervous wreck bit....more saying or doing the right thing to not start an argument, rather than jumpy all the time! Appreciate that sounds like backtracking. In fact since I've been with him I've excelled at work (doubled my salary), so he hasnt completely screwed me up ;)

Tbh, I suspect he will hold on until he feels you are securely his again.

In my experience it can only change for the worst.

You could "test" him, but only you know how long you would be prepared to potentially waste and if you want to risk becoming a nervous wreck again.

He sounds like my ex, who basically started feeling entitled as soon as we got married and just been horrible since I left him.

Do they ever change? - only for five minutes!

you have excelled at work despite attempting to train yourself to walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off

is that how you want to live ?

does constantly appeasing a fucked-up idiot sit with your life plan at all ?

He's 60 years old and he has a fit when you make conversation with other people on a night out and he deleted contacts from your phone!!! Sorry, but I do not see him changing, and whatever his other virtues there is no way you should put up with this. If you really want to give him another chance, I would suggest you ask him to undertake a year of therapy to address his control issues and to have no contact with you whatsoever during that period. I would then be looking for 12 months of receipts and a very full account of what he has learned. Better to move on, really.

In four years ive never managed to get my husband to put his knickers in tha laundrry basket. Men dont change. Neither do women, but our identities change throughout our lives so i think we afe more amenable to changing.

Hes doing wha my dad did, pretend he has changed.....lalaalala....six months later all will be the same again.

Ok, some food for thought! Didn't expect this to be such a popular thread!

But I do appreciate your thoughts, personal lessons and accounts. Interestingly I actually thought more people would have issue with the age gap!

It is not the age gap, but the emotional intellegence equality that counts.