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Original poster

Do they ever change?

119 replies

bekspolo · 09/04/2012 21:07

Ok, I should start from the start!

First things first I'm a 33yr old single mum of one boy now nearly 4. I have somehow managed to be quite successful, I'm amazed at times the life I have, but I singlehanded support my son, His father says I clearly don't need help so he refuses to assist.

Anyway i went on a blind date with a guy I met off the net over a year ago. It was pretty bonkers but we had a connection over email, text and phone calls. We met in a very public place just in case any of you wonder if I'm doolally!

The attraction was instant - which considering it was a bit random I was quite surprised.

We've had an amazing year.......BUT.......he is 27 years old than me. Now the age gap has never bothered me, in fact he looks more like 17 years older, plus he is the fittest man I have ever met (and as someone who races in half ironmans I know a fit man when I see one!). As a bit of background he has a pretty high flying job himself in the medical industry and is at the top of his game. He has 2 children and an ex wife. He is a kind and generous person, and has treated me like an absolute princess. He does earn a ridiculous amount of money, but then I'm ok financially myself - and I've never been attracted to someone for financial gain. And we have our own homes, we don't live together but he did spend about 3 nights a week at mine.

But here's the problem. He it seems had insecurity issues, he had major issues about me being friends with other men, to the point he deleted all male contacts off my personal phone. On our anniversary he went nuts at me for engaging in conversation with another couple - despite the fact that he started the conversation! He gets very edgy if I mention men through my work - which is a bit difficult seeing as though in most situations I am the only woman.

So to cut a long story short 3 weeks ago I broke it off, because of his unreasonable behaviour - in essence he was controlling me, turning me into a nervous wreck. He has not given up, albeit allowed me space, but he has had flowers sent to my work (huge huge flowers) has been supportive when my work was difficult last week, but as a friend. He has allowed me space to move on - except I don't think I can. I love this man but hate him for being such a total div.

However he went to see a work colleague who is a professor of psychology who he asked her to walk him through my he is acting the way he is. He now tells me he understands the way he acted, is utterly mortified at some of the things he has said and done, has learnt from his mistakes and will change.

Am I right to question this? The truth is I am in love with him, but when he's awful he's bloody awful, but when he's brilliant he is absolutely amazing. People say we are soulmates, made for each other. But I'm not sure I can allow him back in my life with the worry that he may not have changed?

Don't know what to do, I'm not letting him go because I think hand on heart I want him back, but I'm frightened of being hurt.

Please be gentle, I appreciate a 27 year age gap may be quite disgusting for some, but genuinely the connection is there.

Thanks

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 09/04/2012 21:49

I wouldn't want it for my daughter, beks, that I cannot deny

but no matter what his age, it is his behaviour that shocks me the most

for someone so apparently worldly-wise, you sound rather naive about what constitutes the behaviour of a controlling man, and rather optimistic about whether it could work out in a way that will make you happy in the long term

beeny · 09/04/2012 21:50

I have prosecuted lots of domestic violence cases and it is amazing how many women start their statements with he used to treat me like a princess.(sorry to say this but thought you should know)

creativepebble · 09/04/2012 21:50

Bollocks to the age gap... If you love this man and you can trust that he has learnt from being such a div then good luck. Fanty makes a good case for the opposite...
It's a risk though so keep a little guarded as much as you can for a while.

PeelingBells · 09/04/2012 21:55

I would run for the hills-deleting contacts and kicking off because you spoke to another couple IS ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY.

I find it incredibly hard indeed to believe that he spoke to a psychologist, at work. If you were controlling its highly unlikely you would admit to this weird behaviour to someone at work.

No problem with the age gap although age gap+ controlling behaviour probably exacerbates the controlling behaviour.

I wouldn't wait for him to change. But was about to write pretty much exactly what communistmoon just wrote about therapy.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 21:55

"saying or doing the right thing to not start an argument"

When you're compromising your own personality - changing what you'd naturally say or do - just to keep the peace, you have to see that that's wrong. People who love us, love us as we are. People who want to control us play 'good cop, bad cop'.... alternating OTT affectionate and OTT unreasonable.... as a method of manipulating our behaviour. I don't think you are going to let this man back into your life but be warned - his sort don't handle 'no' very well at all.

Original poster
bekspolo · 09/04/2012 21:58

Naive I'm not, but wanting to see the best out of every situation I'm afriad i do. For that I make no apologies, it's what makes me the person I am. However I recognise that there are issues, otherwise why would I seek others views?

And yes I accept i am way too close to this situation and way too emotionally attached to see it clearly.

If I'd made my mind up I wouldn't be on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
bekspolo · 09/04/2012 22:05

CogitoErgoSometimes that's a hugely interesting comment, re his sort don't handle no well. For he recently said that I'm the first person in a long time to say no to him. I guess it's the life he leads most people look up to him, whereas I must admit I never have looked up to him. Admired yes but never looked up.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 22:10

Seeing the best in situations is not necessarily a bad trait. However, with men such as the one you describe they home in on it as a weakness they can exploit to their own benefit, consciously or otherwise. The bad behaviour starts small and they ramp it up little by little until suddenly, one day, they're deleting names off your mobile or having rows about conversations in restaurants and - rather than ditch them on the spot - you're in two minds whether to give them a second chance. Stunts like that in Week 1 and you'd have dropped him like a hot brick.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 22:14

Arise and inhale the Java.... People don't say no to him because he's a bully. Nice enough as long as he's getting his own way means those around him will go to special lengths to do as he says. If he's so OTT with someone he's supposed to love, why would he have any scruples whatsoever about people he just works with?

Original poster
bekspolo · 09/04/2012 22:26

Truth is I think even before I posted on here I had doubts, but needed to put it down.

He's being so bloody nice that I've started to wobble a bit. Until today I've been super strong about it being over.

OP posts:
Charbon · 09/04/2012 22:26

Why did his first marriage break up, or rather, what has he told you?

Sorry, at his age I very much doubt he can change. Personally, I wouldn't have looked back the moment he showed even a hint of possessiveness or an urge to control me and there would have been no going back after he tampered with my phone. It's complete bollocks that he needed a psychologist to tell him that his behaviour was deranged and I suspect that was a lie, to make you think he had consulted a 'female professional'.

Original poster
bekspolo · 09/04/2012 22:31

He's told me bits but to be fair he's never slagged her off, always spoke well of her in the main. But I totally realise there are 2 sides to every story.

OP posts:
rightchoice · 09/04/2012 22:34

The thing is your are being swayed by all the boxes he ticks. It is easy to do that when he is 'pretending' to be just what he knows you would like him to be. Sounds like he knows what to present but just can't come up with the goods when it counts.

Be careful you don't talk yourself into forgetting what he is capable of doing. This is a huge red flag. If..... you went back, the more involved you allow yourself to become, the more complicated it will be to walk away. His actions speak louder thand words.

milti · 09/04/2012 22:36

I think that this is a situation that calls for ONE MORE CHANCE!. I dont think theres anything wrong with the age gap and it sounds like this guy has a lot going for him. Yes he is jealous and possessive as many men are> the important point is how it makes you feel, if youre a nervous wreck then something has to change. I would make it clear he is on his last warning and give it one more go, what's to lose? If he hasnt learned you will soon find out and will know for definite. if it happens again end it and mean it

EggyFucker · 09/04/2012 22:43

no, "many men" are not jealous and possessive....just the fucking inadequate ones

Charbon · 09/04/2012 23:06

What's to lose?

Getting ever more involved with a controlling man, until one day the OP realises that she has no friends who are comfortable seeing her alongside a man who gives them the shivers, that she unwittingly refuses invitations to see them on her own because it's not worth the grief and she's walking on eggshells the whole time so that he doesn't kick off.

Most men are not like this. The problem with this one is that his exterior wrapping is shiny and I agree that his professional success and generosity have suckered you in OP, giving him the illusion of being an upstanding, good guy. Unfortunately powerful alpha males are often complete tosspots and narcissists who (as has been observed) are not used to anyone saying 'no' and 'you can't' to them.

milti · 09/04/2012 23:55

in my experience many men are jealous and possessive, as are many women. it is something that can be worked on and improved in the less extreme cases

milti · 09/04/2012 23:56

i don't judge people as adequate or otherwise as I am far from perfect myself

milti · 09/04/2012 23:58

charbon- i think you are being over dramatic. Beks sounds like nobody's fool and Im sure she would soon realise if she had made the wrong choice- long before she became 'ever more involved'. Having a couple more dates to see if things are better would do no harm and then she would know rather than wondering.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2012 00:05

The OP already realised she's made the wrong choice by ending the relationship. The 'harm' is that she risks compromising her self-respect by giving yet another chance to a man that's got a track record of being emotionally unstable towards her on multiple occasions. Being an intelligent man, of course he would put his more bizarre behaviour on hold until he's got her on the hook again - that's how they operate. Then he would be back to his old tricks. There are plenty of other men in the world and plenty of them are neither jealous nor possessive.

EggyFucker · 10/04/2012 00:14

Jealous and possessive people have a problem that lies with them

You cannot cure them by trying to understand it, and trying to manage it

and yes, they are inadequate people when they allow it to spiral to this level of fuckwittery

some can recognise it and seek help, fair play to them

others hurt the people around them, and don't seem to know how to stop

OP is independent and fancy-free...there is no need for her to wait around to see if this man falls into the latter category or not

unless she thrives on this kind of dramarama relationship...some people do, at least until they see the light

somebody who uses the phrases "he treats me like a princess" and "we are soulmates" doesn't sound like someone all that switched-on wrt the mechanism of an abusive relationship, tbh

and milti, if your experience of men is that "many" of them are jealous and possessive, you are looking in the wrong places

Lueji · 10/04/2012 00:27

I would make it clear he is on his last warning and give it one more go, what's to lose? If he hasnt learned you will soon find out and will know for definite. if it happens again end it and mean it

That's what I meant about how long the OP is willing to potentially waste. Or rather likely waste.

He will be more cautious this time. Beks has already been with him for a year, by which point he started showing his true colours.
It might be longer this time, by which time Beks may have a child, have more complicated joint finances, start considering the reaction of her DS and be more emotionally involved and thus less likely to finish with him.

Are you willing to be in this same or worse position in a couple of years?

That's for you to decide.

Lueji · 10/04/2012 00:30

milti, I don't think erasing all male contacts from a phone is a mild case.

Even my jealous ex didn't pull one like that.

It is VERY controlling.

Original poster
bekspolo · 10/04/2012 07:11

More Interesting comments, can I just clarify I never said we were soulmates, other people have said that!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2012 07:55

So how are things looking this morning? Is he still chucked? :)