nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

What did you say when I was down?? It's normal and it will get better

You will love your bean as much as DS1 .. you are a fantastic mummy xx

This dropped off my 'on' threads again. Bloody RL getting in the way of my MNing!

how you doing Choco? I will scroll back a few pages to catch up.

Choco, sorry to hear that you are feeling low you have done so well. I'm sure if I had been in your position I would have disintegrated long ago.

You know what, in all honesty I can't see OW really being that keen to have to look after DS2, specially not as a small baby. Put yourself in her position wouldn't you feel it was a bit of an imposition if your boyfriend wanted you to co-mind his baby by his ex a real imposition on your together time. Babies are not entertaining like toddlers either, and what if when your out with a pram/buggy and someone admires your baby!!!!!!!

I wouldn't overly worry about it because I reckon once DS2 is here whatever ex has planned I'm sure won't in practice happen. You'll probably be b/feeding and needing to bond with the baby, because ultimately you will be his primary carer. Whatever exH thinks I don't think OW will be that keen.

Oh Choco, the fact is ex twunt HAS stolen the joy of this pregnancy. Just when you needed to feel like a goddess he has repeatedly hurt & upset you, not least by having an affair. When the baby is here you will feel stronger & of course fall in love with DS2 & feel more able to say NO! As I said before, no judge in the land will separate you & your baby to suit him. He seems to think he has a "right" to have whatever he wants! Sadly mistaken. I can't see the relationship with OW lasting either so I don't think she'll be able to muscle in too much anyway (why would she want to?!!) Meanwhile ignore him & his demands as much as possible & we are all here to help as much as we can. Where are you in UK?

I second what oldwoman says. I can't imagine OW wanting a reminder of you in her life too often, it will be an imposition on their 'coupley romance' when poo-ey nappies and incessant crying come into it. We all know that our DCs are the most loveable and charming little people on the planet, but someone elses's - not so much!

Imagine this, XH wants to come and meet his brand new baby for the first time. How amazing will that be for him - she is not invited. A few days later he pops in again to spend time with DS1 and sees how much DS2 has changed in his absence. You get a chance to go and have a bath in peace and spend half an hour on yourself without being at the beck and call of a new baby. OW still has not met baby.

This goes on for several weeks - she will not be feeling full of joy about this baby, she will be pissed off that he is taking X's attention away from her and probably changing him into a pathetic, remorseful, guilt-ridden sap. You will get a few hours a week where you can legitimately step away from your beautiful DSs for just a short while, to recharge and come back to them re-energised and calm.

But as others have said, having a cry is totally ok. You have a lot changing in your life and things are not going to be how you imagined when DS2 was conceived. They will be better, because you will not be bringing him up in a relationship with a selfish man-child, you will be a capable and caring mum (as well as a kick-ass independent woman!) with XH there in the background for your DSs. He doesn't need to have any more influence on your life than that.

Hope you can regain your strength and start seeing your future life for the fabulous adventure it is going to be. x

thank you so much, I'm a bit teary again reading through your replies! I am trying hard to get back some of my positivity today. I took DS to a soft play with my mum which was great, another mum from playgroup was there and we got chatting. Turns out she lives where I've been looking for a house, with her two kids (2 and 4) having split from her XH about 18mo ago. We had a really good chat and swapped numbers which was fab, hopefully we'll arrange a movie night before DS2 arrives. It reminded me I'm not the only person in the world who is going through this and we will be ok... even though it doesn't feel much like it sometimes!

I hear what you're all saying about OW. I think it's so hard because even though I know the fear isn't rational, and things almost certainly won't play out like that, it still feels so overwhelming sometimes and I get lost in all the what ifs? What if she is a horrible selfish person who treats my babies badly? What if STBXH takes me to court and I have to deal with all of that stress? The what ifs are almost always worst case scenario lol - I don't seem to be able to rationalise in the moment about likely/unlikely situations.

I'm just about to type up my notes from Monday's coaching sesh to re-centre myself. DS is having a nap. I can't stop the bad stuff crashing in all the time, but I can bloody well try and claw back a bit of my own life in between. I really don't think I'd be coping half so well without your advice/sympathy/encouragement - so thank you to everyone who replies to this thread (and the last one!) x

(I'm in the westcounty btw)

Oh I understand all that worst case scenario, 4am panicy stuff taking over - I was in floods of tears over everything for all 9 months of my pregnancy, I think you're being the picture of strength in severely adverse conditions, and I admire you so so much for it.

you are doing so well. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but you are doing so, so well. I think The Epi has the right mental image of how contact will be, and that is as much as is appropriate for a newborn. And they're newborns for yeeears, you know that :)

I hope typing up your notes has been centering and calming and good. Let your DS cheer you up, too - I'm getting a lot of "Cuddle? Mummy? Cuddle?" that comes immediately before a full-on-body-mosh at the moment. It's lovely! And even if it's tipping it down you can have a carpet picnic or something calming and cuddly. It's all peppa pig on the sofa in my house, and the giggles are wonderful!

I had a nervous breakdown & ended up on ADs & weekly psychiatric appts during my pregnancy with DC3 in similar circumstances. Literally weeks after she was born I was a different person. The pregnancy hormones make you feel very vulnerable & it's harder to cope but I think you're coping really well.

oh midwife that sounds awful :( I'm so glad it improved when your lovely DC arrived though. I really hope that things work out the way you guys imagine it, instead of how I do! And I'm so sorry that you had to go through all this crap too.

DS has been really sweet today, climbing right up into my lap to slobber kiss me (and escape from Nana and the scary floor mop) and right now is bopping along to TreeFu Tom haha - so funny! He loves all the movement programs, Waybaloo, Boogie Beebies etc. I love carpet picnics too. I feel like I've had a special extra today actually because H couldn't make his contact afternoon, so we've had a whole day together :)

Can anyone tell me about divorce? Should I do it through my solicitor and find the money, or can you really do it via an online agency like this one? I think probably the online idea is a bad one, but part of me just wants it done. Maybe I'm being silly to rush it though, after a generally bad week I just wish it was all over.

I would advise a solicitor who is a member of the family law society. That means they don't indulge in mud slinging & bumping up the bill unnecessarily. BUT they know the law re divorce & children. I'd file for divorce on the grounds of adultery when you feel strongest but before you start work so you get legal aid. Thanks for good wishes - that was 8 years ago now & have since remarried & had DC4 -after taking ex to cleaners-

Hi Choco

I second speaking to your solicitor, or even a second one for a free half hour to discuss how best to proceed. The Divorce board may also be a good place to check.

My understanding is that there is a time limit on filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery - i.e. it needs to be done within a certain number of months after discovery.

There are also pros and cons to which grounds are best to file under - you certainly have a case for adultery or unreasonable behaviour, but a solicitor would be best placed to advise you.

I wouldn't recommend rushing it through and not getting the best future settlement for your family, but I think setting the wheels in motion may make you feel begin to feel liberated from this twunt and all the crap he slings at you!

Good luck!

lawyer is the way forward. I've just done handover with my MIL because H wasn't here on time to collect DS, and her DH has told me my ex has been asking them when he can bring his GF down to stay. So he obviously has no intention of waiting until September to introduce her to DS (as we have agreed in writing, as the first date the topic will be 'open for discussion' - not the date I have agreed for this to happen). I feel like he is a lying shit who just says what I want to hear then goes on his merry way to do whatever he wants anyway. I don't want to deal with it any more. I think my next step is a) a solicitors letter informing him that his contact dates will be X and if he can't make them, no alternative will be offered. Mediation (at his cost) will be the only alternative route should he contest this. Followed swiftly by serving papers on grounds of adultery.

So much for me being nice/respectful or trying to reach a 'family' arrangement. I can't believe what a prick he has turned out to be. Does he really think nobody talks to each other?? That he can just lie to my face and I won't find out he has other plans? My faith in human kindness is waning. Thank god I have a good relationship with MIL and her DH. Fucking bastard.

It's good that MIL & her DH are supportive. Will they agree to let OW come to stay do you think? Or are they disgusted with him too?

Well done, choco - what is it they say on First Wives Club? "Don't get mad, get everything." :)

Not that you need to destroy your ex, I think he'll do that to himself anyway - but I think you need a strong settlement for you two DCs and a very firm arrangement about contact. If you are worried that he will introduce the OW before you are ready for it to happen, then lawyer up and start the process you describe above. You really can't trust him to be out for anyone but himself, so you do need to get a bit selfish for your family's sake, too. I think it's absolutely justified to set boundaries to protect your boys - if only he was thinking of their welfare too!

MIL's DH said he told H not to expect it to happen anytime this year. :( but I'm still hurt and upset that he can't work that out for himself and is so keen for his family to accept her and replace me.

I know I need to get on with the divorce I just feel so weak and upset and tired. I need the boundaries, but for some inexplicable reason I feel sorry for him when I see him and I keep wishing it didn't have to be this way - even when I know for a fact he doesn't give a shit about me, and would happily walk all over me in a heartbeat. Why can't I just grow a pair and get on with things? :(

Because you're pregnant & shouldn't have to be dealing with this right now. Physical & emotional energy is being used up in growing bean & caring for DS1 who is still tiny himself.

Choco, you are fabulous and still really admire you.

Re divorce, follow legal advice.

Do not feel sorry for the fuckwit!

Do not agree to things you're uncomfortable with.

You are more than reasonable, don't doubt yourself.

Bossy this eve! Sorry. It just shines out that you have a bright future, and need to be detaching from this sorry pathetic loser.

You rock!

Midwife, howru? And your situation?

thanks Dozer :)

No, thank you choco! Hope the summer comes quickly for you and your boys.

ok I'm taking your advice along with taking my miserable butt to bed, and hoping to wake up on the right side of it tomorrow :)

Midwife I hope you are feeling 100% better and having a lovely evening too - and everyone else! (I consider my snoring DS to be the hottest date I need right now. Who said Saturday nights were for partying? 8.30 seems like a perfectly reasonable bed time to me)

Hi Dozer It's improving. I found my girl power at last. I chucked him out, err asked DH to leave a few weeks ago & only agreed to him returning with counselling in place. He is like a different person although it's early days. I have taken control & ain't taking no shit no more!

Am glad going ok midwife

I'm not naive enough to think its all going to be perfect but interestingly in counselling I'm the one saying I've had enough & I think we should split up & he's the one saying he wants to stay together. Hmmmm we'll see. Meanwhile I'm feeling fine & am glad I'm here & able to support Choco

Oh Choco..we're here for you lovely!

I hope your sleeping well and being gentle with yourself.

So disappointed to hear about his latest antics. Though it doesn't seem surprising he could stoop any lower, its very sad he has. I'm really pleased MiL and her DH are keen not to rush things. His timing is terrible and usual.

So Moon Goddess of loveliness.. how can we get you to where you want to be? :)

I think solicitors advice would be good so you can set some stronger boundaries for him not to pee all over..after everything you've done for him you deserve a lot more respect

Always here for you and your two wonder boys xx