nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

Ha ha meant to cross out wanker! There you go again - cosmic ordering

Vision BOOK! -like it :-)

hmmmm re: christian/spiritual outlooks--I'm reading this book called Falling Upward by some Franciscan priest. I'm not religious but it's really cracking and inspiring. recommend a quick squiz.

Hi Choco . Happy Easter I am glad to see you are back here and doing so well xx

I used to have a much more spiritual (not Christian/organised religion) outlook and I was generally happier and more content. I found it hard to stay in touch with that once I'd had DD (now 4.5) as my life was just full of new baby, back to work almost immediately and concern over my relationship. Now that the relationship with the faithless, selfish tosser is over and I "need" the spirituality, I can't seem to access it/reach it.

choco, you sound very motivated and forward thinking. Can you send some this way?

Hi Choco, been following your old thread and wanted to jump aboard this one. You credit the MNers with helping you to stay calm and positive, but the reason so many of us have ploughed through 1000 posts is because you are such an inspiration! x

ooh thanks for the recommendation for reading bells.

Epilator that's so lovely of you, I don't feel like one but thank you!! I can't actually believe its got to a second thread. I never set out to keep posting but I'm glad I have.

I feel a bit weird and sad today. I've noticed I'm really, really averse to being touched by anyone other than DS right now. I can't bear being hugged/kissed on the cheek, don't want anyone near me really. I don't know if it's a general pregnant thing or if I'm feeling so acutely sensitive because of what's happened with H.

I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's making me feel a bit withdrawn, and I feel like I'm being rude to my family. Not that they are massively touchy feely but my sister wanted to kiss me goodbye and pat my belly and stuff after Easter and I literally almost pushed her off :( I just can't get over how horrible and strange I feel when someone is 'in my space'. Makes me feel kind of violated which sounds totally extreme, even to me, when it's normal family/friend affection. It's worst with my DF - which makes me wonder if it's worse because he's a man, and I just can't bear to be close (even in a clearly paternal way) with any man.

I'm glad it's not affecting things with DS at all, but still, it's not nice. Anyone else experienced this?

I'm exhausted. I think I need to stop worrying so much but the tension is building up before I see H next week to talk about contact arrangements over the birth etc. I feel mentally exhausted more than anything, and I've barely begun to think about what to say/how to say it. I hope I perk up a bit before the weekend...

I think it's normal not to want to be touched much in pregnancy - after all you're being touched all the time from the inside! Don't worry how your family feel about this - I'm sure they understand.

oh I certainly couldn't cope with anyone touching me in some stages of my pregnancy. Heh. And then was wildly clingy in others! fun for all concerned, I'm sure!

I'm sure your family will understand, lovey. Why not talk to them about it? If you're worrying about seeming standoffish, preface your chat with "This is a strange feeling I'm having, and I want to tell you about it because I'd hate to hurt your feelings, after all, I love you so much, but I can't bear to touch anyone but DS at the moment. I think I'm experiencing some hypersensitivity due to the pregnancy. But I love you and value you so much!" or ... something more normal-sounding. They'll get it, I'm sure.

ANyone else on here trying to resist the Hotel Chocolat easter sale? I do so hope it's not just me salivating over half-price posh chocolate. :)

mmm hotel Chocolat... I don't have a shop near me but I'm now resisting the urge to look on their website!

Glad to know it's a normal pregnancy thing then, I will stop feeling guilty!

Had a poo night last night with DS, he was up from 1am - 4.30am with his asthma. Definitely not doing ok. So off to the doc we go this afternoon, disappointing to think that he'll prob still need his steroid inhaler for a while but I'm not persevering without it when he's struggling so much.

Today's been better, had a fun filled morning going for a pain clinic appointment (quite helpful) and a chat with my solicitor (very helpful) so now my jobs for the day simply involve drafting a firm offer for contact for H for the next 6mo. If he doesn't like it, I'll be referring him via my solicitor to challenge it. No bullshit now.

Nevertheless I'm stifling the yawns right now, as I managed less sleep than DS did last night given that half of it was spent sleeping under a toddler size duvet on the carpet in his room, and the other half with him in bed with me while he was snoring merrily away (periodically waking to poke me in the face and make sure I was still there). Gotta love being a parent!

Heh, that poke-in-your-face thing is epic, isn't it?

DS is really chatting now, and finds 'doing things wrong' utterly hilarious. He's taken to putting his toothbrush on his nose and shouting "NO no not deerree!" then laughing hysterically. Jigsaw pieces also have to go in all the 'wrong' options first, with lots of head-shaking and 'not derre!' happening. I hope as well as being ill and making you exhausted, your DS is charming the pants off you on a regular basis!

I am glad the pain clinic and the sols were helpful - no bullshit any more is an EXCELLENT motto, let's pin that over the top of the thread! :)

Ah, Blackcurrants your little DS sounds so lovely.

Hope both you & little Choco had a better night's sleep last night Choco, and that H finds his spine and accepts, what I'm absolutely sure will be, your very reasonable contact offer.

aww blackcurrants he does sound completely adorable :) and obviously very, very clever! DS was in absolute fits today because I was puffing up my cheeks with air, then letting him 'pop' them (making a noise like a whoopee cushion). It was completely hilarious until his enthusiasm got the better of him and he walloped me around the head really hard

I am delirious with tiredness now. Poorly puff DS has not been getting better, and I am really quite upset that we're back to square one, giving him the meds he was on when he was really poorly last year. I know stopping his inhaler was for all the right reason but I'm kicking myself because as of yesterday he needed the liquid oral steroids again, and has another 5 day course before starting up his preventor on double the dose he had been maintaining on for at least a month if not two. I think being solely responsible for the day to day (and night to night) care is taking it out of me too. He's been extremely grouchy, which is fair enough, but the constant whining and refusal to use any words at all most of the time is wearing me down a bit. I'm trying to hold onto the funny moments but I am getting the sense-of-humour bypass stage of tiredness.

It doesn't help that I started the EMDR therapy today (with the psychologist to treat my traumatic memories) which is also, unsurprisingly, exhausting!! And I have Saturday to look forward to with H. Who I have called to inform about DS being ill/on steroids again, but who has not asked after him for the last 24 hours regardless.

My parents are making valiant strides in moving out of the room they have given me for me+baby, but I am still living out of a suitcase although I've been here 3 months give or take. Everything I own is in a box somewhere in a neighbours basement. I am trying to stay positive, but the fact that I am not going to have my own home for half a year, and have nothing of my own around me (yet) on top of the tiredness is making me feel very, very sad today. I have so much to get through and sort out, but my motivation has hit a patch of quicksand... not sure how far it's been sucked down but I can't for the life of me find it anymore.

I hope that a few days of the meds will get DS back to sleep and I'll be more human again soon...

You've got a hell of a lot on your plate - you're bound to be totally exhausted & wrung out. I wish I could fast forward a few months for you so you could be in your own home with your 2 beautiful boys

Thank you Midwife, how are you feeling now? Are you home and on the mend? X

:(
I know how tiring those nights are, jumping at every cough or wheeze... And that's without another baby growing inside! You are amazing to still be forming coherent sentences!

I hope your ds is more sorted soon, so you and he can sleep properly.

As for H not asking after poorly ds - well, that speaks volumes about him. Selfish man.

Yes I'm at home on mega antibiotics & still very sore. Spending a lot of time horizontal. I'll be fine in a week or two. Poor DS - asthma in such a little one must be terrifying. DH seems very interested in his "rights" ie access but not in the actual well being of his child doesn't he?!

thanks HP and I'm glad you're on the mend MW... I'm reaching a bit of a crash point I think. The 'big conversation' with H has somehow magically happened via email instead of F2F which is great... I'm still a bit surprised (anxious) about how easily he's accepted some of my decisions. He wanted to have DS for one full day a week, as well as some overnights; come to the hospital with DS when baby comes, be able to see him ad hoc with a weeks notice, introduce the OW and talk about money. I said no to everything other than seeing DS for one full day a week as well as one afternoon. The one that really stung wasn't the OW bit, but the request to be the one to bring DS to meet his baby brother :( I can't imagine anything worse than playing 'happy families' at that moment. It would break my heart.

I feel really fucking sad about it all today.

Also, I did go see that house, and I LOVED it. My mum was really, really negative about it though which temporarily killed my enthusiasm cold. She said it was because she wishes she could just make it happen for me, and she can't, so she didn't want to build up my hopes over something unrealistic. I can see what she means, but I guess that totally misses the point of why I went to see it. I KNOW I'm not in a position to buy the house. It's not even the remotest outside chance of a possibility. The point was to look forward to a time when I could... I guess I just feel a bit flat, cos I wanted a dream to hang onto. Not a great big reality check!! Oh well, I'm fine really.

I cheered myself up by going out and buying a little treat for me. A special notebook to write down my goals/plans/visions for me and the kids, something to keep me positive and on track. I also took DS for a haircut. Good grief, the screams!! Anyone would think I was asking them to shear off an ear. At least the barbers give out lollipops afterwards :) I felt like a total meany instructing him to say 'ta' for the haircut/lolly while big fat plops of tears rolled off his cheeks!! Was that really mean of me? Or a good lesson in being polite? poor wee puff.

oh well done buying the notebook, choco, that sounds like a good idea to me.
I bribed DS with a lollipop for his haircut last week, and he watched some elmo while it happened - that helped!

I think teaching them to say "thank you" when they out to say thank you is totally okay. DS is being a bit clingy at the moment, and dear GOD the screams of DOWNDOWNDOWWWWNDOWN! if he's up in his highchair one moment longer than he wants to be.... so I do feel your pain, rather. But you're not evil! I am a bit of a snob regarding children who don't say please and thank you, and of course now I have admitted this it will come back to bite me in the bum, and DS will be a sullen divvil incarnate, but for now, if he asks for something he is requested to 'ask nicely' and a 'peeeeese' usually gets attached. Of course, this means he knows it is important and so it gets unleashed when he wants something I don't want him to have. "Mooar Elmo PEEEESE? Moar PEESE?"
ah well!

I'm glad you were able to have the contact conversation online, and I admire your restraint. Well done you, have a hug and a on me :)

'when they OUGHT to say thank you', that should read. Ach, too much waffling is melting my brain!

Not mean at all. I make ds say thank you and please all the time. I feel that over doing it is better than under doing it If that makes sense... Hopefully that way it will stick!

I'm glad H has agreed to the contact arrangements so easily. What a bastard asking to introduce the OW while you are pg/with a newborn and emotional anyway.

Hi choco loving the blog and new thread- I think the notebooks a fab idea- I may do that myself

Choco I'm still reeling from his demand to be the one to bring DS to see his baby brother for the first time! WTF?!!! Your ex has absolutely no right to come to the hospital at all - just explain to the midwives that you DO NOT want him to be allowed in. All the wards are locked so he can't get in without permission. I think you should wait until you go home to let him see DS2 anyway. It is not happy families - it is a family he has broken up. The hospital
Midwives will support you on this one.

As for please & thank you - I still grab my 8 year old & say "what do you say?????" if someone gives her something & she doesn't immediately say it. The 2 year old is in intensive training & the teenage boys dare not behave otherwise!!

thanks all! Good to know I'm not the only mummy employed by the manners police I'm starting my day with a belgian bun and and a determination to stay positive. H arrives for contact at 2, I will look fabulous and confident no matter how I feel. Helps that the steroids are kicking in, and DS slept through again last night. He's on much better form now, phew!

and thanks for the helpful advice MW - I didn't know I could actually keep him out, I have no idea how I will feel at the time but its a good just in case thing to hold onto... x

Yes see how you feel but tell your midwife the circumstances ie he went off with OW while you were pregnant & she'll take care of everything & be the bad guy who says no to him if he turns up or phones & you don't want to see him or him to be given any info. There's an old joke - what's the difference between midwives & Rottweilers? Rottweilers don't wear lipstick! She will be your protector whatever happens.