so... not so perky today really. DS out having the time of his life at the forces day event that's on locally. With his dad, I'm not invited obviously. My last weekend with an only child and I'm spending it sat on a sofa holding back tears. I can't cope sometimes with the rollercoaster that I've been shoved onto.
I keep trying to remind myself that no-one has the perfect life, and I need to make the best of the life I have and stop wishing it away. But god, this stuff hurts so badly. Now that I've had my section date moved H is going 'home' to be with his girlfriend instead of waiting for our baby to arrive... he'll wait for 'a call' to come back down to meet DS2. I want it to stop hurting. It feels so fucking unfair.
I can't get past feeling that me and DS2 deserved so much more than this. And DS1 too, I hate that I have to accept all the special things he does with his dad will exclude me. Not that I should find that so hard - his dad excluded me even before we broke up. I used to beg him to agree to family days out, but it was always too boring or too much of a commitment to go somewhere with me and DS back then. Now, Disney Dad supreme gets to spend his day with DS going to farms and soft play and big days out and every time it's a first, or something I would have loved to have gone to myself, I have to sit home and be happy that 'at least he's putting in the effort for DS'. Well that's fucking hard to tell you the truth. Because he never put in the effort when it mattered for our family. And yes, it's better than him not bothering at all... but still a bitter pill to swallow.
All in all I feel like I was just a handy accessory to grow him a couple of kids so he can play with them when he feels like it, and carry on living the single and unfettered life with his fucking stupid OW the rest of the time. While I get to sit quietly out of the way on 'his time' making sure I don't spoil things for him and DS.
Honestly, sometimes I just hate him for what he's done to me.