nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

Absolutely don't let him in the hospital unless for some reason you want him there. And don't be shy about telling the MWs why. Christ I've had taken out an ad in the local paper by now, decrying what he did. You are the model of reserve and tact and generosity, compared to me.

[bit barmy]

I'm glad you've had a bit more kip. I do so fancy a Belgian bun now you mention it. mmmnnnn. And I hope poor little DS's medicine is working, it's so hard to deal with listening to them straining for breath, isn't it? Poor mite.

determination crumbled.

With all the moving/reshuffling and sorting my poor parents have had to do to accommodate me and DCs some tempers have finally frayed. I'm sat in tears hiding in my room, feeling like the worst person in the world. I know they love me and want us here, but I don't want to be the reason they have to move everything, change their lives upside down and throw away beloved belongings because we simply don't all fit in :( I feel like scum to be honest. It's not my parents making me feel this way, its everything. I feel like some piece of trash thrown out by H, occupying space I don't deserve. I just want to curl up and die. I know it's just a feeling and it will pass but I hate it. I hate it so much. All that feeling worthless, disposable, useless crappy and shit (not to mention boring/fat/unlovable and stupid) has come crashing back in.

And somehow now I have to find the energy to type up a parenting plan for H to take away with him, confirming everything decided by email re: contact.

Feel so utterly sad.

Oh choco as you say, your parents are doing everything out of love. Try to think about if one of your ds were in this position, you would do the same and you would want them to feel loved by you and not in the least like an inconvenience. I know this isn't much help or coherent... Sorry.

Can you cut and paste from emails to help make the contact Information write up easier?
xx ((((((((hug))))))))

Oh Choco

Many hugs. This crappy part will pass. It will. And you are immensely valuable and immeasurably strong.

Choco stay strong love, your their daughter and they are there for you, just think if it were your kids... You wouldn't give a dam, you would just want to do everything in your power to look after them.
You are not worthless, this wankerhas just over stepped the mark with his stupid behaviour and requests.
Be there at the hospital - what is he thinking? He is clearly delusional.
Sorry, rant over.
Don't rush into writing anything today whilst your feeling like this, he can wait.

Oh honey I'm sorry you're feeling like this today. It's not your fault - it must be stressful for everyone at the moment but no one blames you! Don't communicate with fuckwitt until you feel stronger!

thank you - I really needed the virtual hugs today. I'm doing ok, but completely and utterly exhausted. DS is in bed already though and I'm getting take out Indian tonight.

My parents are fine, we all took a bit of time out and I know it was just one of those moments... I am ok. I still feel a bit shit and sad but I am ok. Nobody said this would be easy hey.

On the plus side, I have the first of my boxes in my room to unpack. I chose my study box first. Something to get my teeth into and focus on. I need to do something to stop feeling like my life is on pause and pointless (other than being a mummy, of course, which is completely worth it - I mean for me).

I did copy and paste the emails, it was hard but at least I know when the damn thing is done and signed I can forget about it until September. Which will be a relief.

:( crap day, but it's nearly over.

(((hugs))) back x

Hi choco I've been lurking on your thread and just wanted to say definitely, as others have said, tell the midwives what's happened and that you don't want exDH there when you have DS2. My OH had an affair during my pregnancy with DS1. When I went into labour I told the midwives I didn't want him allowed in and when he did show up he was made to stand in the corridor outside the ward and was prevented from getting anywhere near me, in fact nobody even told me he was there ( you could request this too). The midwives were brilliant and l

Stupid iPhone :/

Was just going to say I found it really helpful to know that OH couldn't just burst in on me. Glad you're feeling a bit better now :)

Yes as I say - we're used to dealing with arsey ex partners & our role is to be the woman's advocate at all times. They don't get past us! But you must tell your midwife the score so she can protect you.

hi, been away for a few days and all my 'i'm on' threads have vanished.

Just checking to see how you are choco and I see you are doing ok. Things with your parents will even out, it must be hard all round, but they love you dearly and want the best for you.

I cannot believe the 'demands' that your eejit ex made! What a cock. Stick to your guns on this, he deserves absolutely nothing.

Hope you are having a nice weekend choco. It must be tough for you all negotiating space with your aprents- with all the love and goodwill in the world there is always a moment!
It will all get better. Soon you will hold DS2 in your arms and the pain of this year will start to fade. Your STBXH has no idea yet what he has really lost. There is a lot of pain stored up in his future - but you won't even be thinking about him then.

morning everyone - thanks for stopping by :)

I don't feel like I'm doing too amazing today tbh. I think the adrenaline of sorting out the 'official' contact plans this weekend has worn off and now I've had time to think about some of the things he asked for... it's doing my head in.

He expects me to meet the OW and for them to both take out my babies, starting in September. I know that's a long way off but I can't stop playing possible conversations in my head :( I need a strategy to try and forget about it for now. I mean, who knows if they will even make it that far? But even so. I don't know how to stop the anxiety building right now. It's just another pressure valve on my hurt - I can feel it building up, and I don't know when it will burst.

The funny thing is, I couldn't give a damn about her 'relationship' with my husband. They clearly think it's all legitimate now I've moved away with the kids, but no-one has even filed for divorce yet so it's just adultery, plain and simple. I can't imagine sitting down with her to talk about my babies - my precious babies FFS - as if she is a great person who will be a lovely step mum for them. Even the prospect of it makes me sick and weak in my stomach. This selfish, heartless, deceitful and frankly downright skanky woman who would fuck my husband in my own bed, in the full knowledge i was pregnant, wants to meet me and talk about looking after my children. When the youngest is EIGHT WEEKS OLD.

I just can't begin to fathom how I let this one go, for the next 5 months. I know I have bigger fish to fry but honestly. What kind of people are they? Him for stipulating that I must do this in September, and her for thinking she has a right to? who did I marry? What the actual fuck?

Also, I fell over walking down a steep hill to church this morning and nearly let go of DS in his buggy. I didn't, but I tipped him over backwards, ripped my brand new maternity jeans, cut my knee and my pelvis is screaming at me for it. Talk about feeling like a scummy mummy.

:( Keep trying to remind myself that even if (and I do know it's an IF) the two of them decide to play happy families, it's only a day and a half a week. Six days out of a month. I have my babies with me every night, and 24/5 days a month without them. But still :( it fucking hurts.

Hi Choc
Am delurking myself to join the cheerleaders on the sidelines as you are pretty inspirational in your calm, fair and wise dealings with your shitbah h.(I have the Pompoms but the lycra really doesn't look good so I'll stick to baggy trackies if that's OK.)

Your feeling re your h's demands and the OW are just simply and clearly right. He is being mindbogglingly selfish and unfeeling if he is for one minute suggesting polite meetings with OW at this early stage.

Tell him. Tell the bastard how you feel about Skankwoman touching your beautiful boys. Tell him that even he couldn't be so cruel as to imagine you will be able to sit and discuss your sons with her 8 weeks in. and then revisit all the good advice about non contact that you have been given.

Not the best advice I'm sure but godmanit that man needs to be made to understand whay he's asking and what an incredibly magnaimous and generous spirit you are to even countenance conceit.

Give me a C, C! Give me an H, H!, Give me an O, O!...

choco. I don't know what to say to help but I has tears in my eyes reading that
She should NOT even think she has a right to step in so quickly - especially after what she's done. And your dh - well, we've been over what a tosser he is already.

tell him to fuck the fuck off and when he gets there to fuck off some more!

I must have missed that part about OW and exbh (that is ex bastard husband) playing happy families with your babies. What an absolute cheek.

To avoid your blood pressure blowing a gasket I suggest you speak to someone in your family about this and see if they have some solutions re non contact for you for handovers. I personally would have it out with exbh and tell him that you will decide when/if you are ready to meet OW face to face and in the meantime he can STFU about it. September isnt that far away and for him to be issuing timescales is ludicrous.

Choco I know I don't know you in RL but when I read your post my heart started racing in absolute bloody FURY!! How fucking dare he - discuss looking after your unborn child with OW??!!! GRRRRRRRR!!! No judge in the land would allow a baby that age away from you for more than a couple of hours at a time at most! Please tell him now NO WAY!!! Please get legal advice. You will still be establishing breastfeeding. Your community midwife & GP will be happy to write letters strongly advising against mother & baby separation in the postnatal period. I'm so bloody furious on your behalf!!

What Jax said.

He is being completely unreasonable telling you when you should meet her and that she will be there looking after your DCs. YOU decide that, not him, not her. If only you could let them both know what you've said here, but the last time you let him know how you felt it all went a bit wrong, so we won't recommend that again!

Have you talked with your parents about your feelings re: being in their house. I'm sure they are loving having you around and would rather know that you are there being loved and taken care of after what has happened.

Take care love x

Well he has found someone at his level of dickheadedness. I think that is all that can be said.
September is ridiculous. Write back and say "I assume you mean September 2020".

Stay cool and calm. Everything will be OK. Sending hugs to you.

thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's incredibly unreasonable. I'm in such a bad mood today, I just feel tearful and hurt and angry.

I was supposed to be seeing one of my oldest friends at one for lunch as well, and she's not been in touch with me to say her plans have changed, but a mutual friend of ours has texted me to tell me that they are going out together instead!! And they may drop by for coffee at a later time in the day - like I have nothing better to do than sit in waiting for them all afternoon until they can be bothered to show up.
Oh, they would come on time (I was only expecting one of them) with the extra friends DD, but only if they can bring ANOTHER extra person with them.

Am I over reacting to feel really fucking pissed off with them? So much for leaning on my RL friends. I'm just on the 'to do' list, clearly. I feel like it's a duty visit now that my friend couldn't be bothered to do on her own, so she's found something more interesting to do and roped them in to come see me with her. Feel like telling them to fuck the fuck off tbh - but maybe i'm just antsy because of how I'm feeling in general and it's not that bad. :( and voices of reason out there? x

oh Choco, it's so hard to even think about, I can't bear it for you.
I think you could absolutely tell him that you won't be letting your newest DS out of your sight for the first 12 weeks (or whatever date) and not be even remotely unreasonable. A court wouldn't separate a mother and her newborn, and they ARE newborn for 12 weeks (I insist! well, it's about establishing nursing/sleep stuff, isn't it?). Just make a hollow laughing sound when he suggests all his insane stuff, and calmly refuse him. I think DS2 will be too small to be without you for quite a long time, and if your H was that bothered about it, he wouldn't have left him before he was even born, now would he?

Grrr and for you.

I would text your friend and say "thought we were having lunch today but XXX informs me that your plans have changed. Off out to do XXX enjoy yourself", but thats just me.

That would piss me off too.

glad I'm not the only one Jax. I text the one who has told me they are coming later to say extra friend is not welcome and can they at the very least say when til when I should expect them? If I get no reply within the hour I'll be off out with DS anyway and not the slightest bit bothered about what they make of it if they do show up (they were my bridesmaids btw, would have considered both of them close friends but since all this crap with H the closeness seems to be evaporating which makes me sad. Didn't even know one of them was househunting til she text about coming over today - apparently she didn't call over the weekend as she was moving house! Kinda something you mention, right? or is that just me as well? :( )

In my own mind I'm resolved that a) I won't countenance a discussion about OW before Sept. Even in Sept, I don't expect H to be ready to take DS2 out of the house with DS1 on his own, having only seen them together for the odd hour once/twice a week (8 or so times). Therefore, I will support the kids right to safe and positive contact with H, only when it is supervised at my home until such time as he has the skills to take two children under three out for a trip.

As he didn't have DS1 on his own AT ALL before he was 5months old, I don't think this is unreasonable. I wouldn't let anyone else take my children off me knowing full well they barely know how to look after one child, let alone two. b) she is not welcome in my house. If she chooses to travel down for 3 hours, just so she can wait in the car on the street while H visits DS2 in my home, for the sake of tagging along to swimming with DS1 that's her call. I can't stop it. But she isn't to come near me, my home, or my newborn until H has proven himself a capable father. Which I doubt will happen anytime soon

Sometimes close friendships fizzle out - even after many years. I have a friend - who I used to consider very close, almost like a sister, also a BM when I got married, known her for 30ish years... anyway I dont hear from her, have tried and tried to visit or arrange something and now I just dont bother. IT is sad, but just one of those things, but by god it hurt when she was on a course near me recently and despite me offering to go to her (15 min drive away) she didnt bother with us at all.

You cant stop OW coming in the car, but you definitely can stop her coming anywhere near you or your home. I would be fizzing if that happened so soon after giving birth.

Same here. Just because you were close friends years ago doesn't mean you should be now. Time to ditch all the negative people in your life.