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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

942 replies

chocoraisin · 06/04/2012 21:03

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a Brew?

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 25/04/2012 10:09

Sending thoughts - fingers crossed it is Braxton Hicks. x

oldwomaninashoe · 25/04/2012 10:22

How are you this morning Choco?

Original poster
chocoraisin · 25/04/2012 13:44

been feeling off and on ok then getting waves of cramps all morning so off to the day unit I go.

H has emailed to ask for an 'update' about DS and me, and to change contact days for the next fortnight. Can't even think about what he wants right now Angry just need to get my head straight and stop worrying about bean.

I'll let you know how I get on. x

OP posts:
midwife99 · 25/04/2012 14:36

Good luck Choco - hope you're ok. Oh please ignore ex fuckwitt!!! Can't he just leave you alone??!!! Angry

Original poster
chocoraisin · 25/04/2012 21:22

I'm back from the assessment unit - not in labour, but got to put my feet up and take things very easy for a few weeks just in case. After the virus and generally being overly stressed etc I've had a firm instruction to SLOW DOWN.

thanks for the luck midwife - it would seem btw that fuckwit ex is now indeed leaving me alone, and hasn't acknowledged the message I sent him about being in hospital. :( Good to know he really, really gives a shit about this pregnancy. Doesn't seem to matter whether he gets in touch with his usual crap or ignores me completely it's still upsetting :(

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 25/04/2012 21:28

Glad you are ok Choco

Hope you will try to take it easy now xx

midwife99 · 25/04/2012 21:34

Funny that - fuckwitt ex sends demands to "have an update & change contact" when it suits him but not interested when you're in need of support whilst carrying his child Angry

midwife99 · 25/04/2012 21:40

Night night Choco, look after you & yes I agree, time to slow down, build a little bubble around you, DS & bean & incubate quietly, no hassle allowed.

Slambang · 25/04/2012 21:44

Phew.

Now allow yourself to be looked after and enjoy.

HavePatience · 25/04/2012 21:48

Oh I've been waiting for this news all day! Glad you're ok choco :)
Ignore the fuckwit. Focus on you, DS and bean. Notice YOU were first in that - for now, please d follow their orders. Can anyone help with DS? x

GeekLove · 25/04/2012 23:13

Hope things are ok now! Lets hope your mum, dad and friends can ensure you spend some quality time putting your feet up!

blackcurrants · 26/04/2012 01:08

Glad you are ok Choco, I haven't been able to post much today but was lurking at 8am, hoping all was well! [saddo]
Now you take care of yourself, y'hear? (

saffronwblue · 26/04/2012 01:50

Glad all is Ok choco. Rest, rest, rest. This is what children's tv is for.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 26/04/2012 09:20

thank you everyone :)

OP posts:
TheEpilator · 26/04/2012 13:00

Hello lovely, glad you are ok and hope you have your feet up.

Next time you have any dialogue with H will be a good opportunity to say that the MWs have told you that you need to eliminate stress, to be relaxed and all his wittering on about contact is stressing you out.

You just need to concentrate on looking after yourself and your little family. He needs to play his part in eliminating stress to keep you and Bean healthy, by sticking to agreed routines and not giving you any reason to feel negative about the birth and beyond. Selfish twunt.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 26/04/2012 13:39

thanks Epi. Just to complicate matters again, I've just had MIL on the phone asking me why I won't let DS stay overnight at her house with H so that 'I can have a break'. I've had to be really firm and say that H and I have a written agreement that DS will not be doing overnights for at least 6 months, and I am not about to change that agreement. It's nothing to do with being at her house, but that discussion has been had. I hate being put in this position where I have to re-state my boundaries to other people now lobbying on his behalf. :( I said I don't need a break from being a parent thank you very much and these matters would only be discussed by H and I. Thanked her for the offer, and reassured her I'm fine etc. I also asked her not to make the suggestion again because it would actually cause me more stress to have to turn her down and feel under pressure, when I don't want to have to go there... ugh. So much for relaxing :(

Stupid Bastard Ex H due over in 45 minutes to collect DS for an extra afternoon. He has him all day tomorrow and Saturday morning too. I don't need a break FFS I signed up to be a full time parent. It's a small point, but it really pisses me off. DS will see H because it is good for him to have a relationship with H. It has absolutely nothing to do with me 'needing time off' from being a parent. Angry that's H's territory thank you very much.

I'm sure that she was offering because she is worried about me (my DM told her about the hospital trip yesterday) but it pisses me off royally that H allows her to think it's just me being a bitch why I won't leave DS there overnight, when he knows full well we have discussed and agreed the contact plan for 6 months, and it specifically says no overnights. Not to mention that DS had another bad asthma night yesterday, coughing and struggling between 2am and 3.30am. No way am I letting him go off to a strange house with someone who a) won't sleep in the same room as him and b) won't get up even if he does wake up to settle him if he is coughing/upset.

why do I have to be the one who comes off as rude and ungrateful when it's H who is the cock???

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 26/04/2012 14:03

ok need to breathe. RAGE is brewing and I only have 20 minutes to calm down. Had a very snotty text off H telling me when to 'expect him' and no apology for being late. (another reason his mum rang was to tell me it was her fault he was going to be late as she was 'making' him eat lunch before leaving. Why can't a grown man ring me himself to let me know? It's not a fucking note for PE situation that your mum has to write Angry he's such a fucking PRICK)

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 26/04/2012 17:48

I can totally understand why you are fizzing Choco but think of all the positives

You don't need to put up with him on a full time basis
You have gorgeous ds and one on the way
You need to relax and breathe and not let the bastard or his family get to you

Sending a hug xx

midwife99 · 26/04/2012 18:17

I know you want ex to see plenty of DS but I think he's in your life too much. He does not need to appear for so many short periods subjecting you to repeated face to faces. Plus all the emails, phone calls & texts. It's too much. At least I only have to clap eyes on ex every 2 weeks!!

Original poster
chocoraisin · 27/04/2012 14:13

hey, I'm just checking in. Have calmed down a bit. DS is off with H having a lovely time at the aquarium, with Grandma and Auntie too (MIL and SIL). I miss him like crazy but I am focusing on how much stuff I can do for myself (sort of) and trying to be positive. This isn't the life I chose. But it's the one I've got so I better get off the pity potty and crack on... gonna go see the guy next door in a bit and book in my first coaching session for starters. Just had 'you deserve this house' on in the background and this week it's a life coach who is featured, bit of a timely reminder to get my shit together. sigh

OP posts:
Bungalowsrule · 27/04/2012 14:28

I have just read your blog, you are very strong and its made me feel stronger than i have in ages to deal with my own situation. Thank you so so much xx

blackcurrants · 27/04/2012 14:41

Well done, choco.

Listen, I think Midwife might have a point. DH can (and does!) intrude in your life in all manner of unwelcome ways. Can you perhaps set up some kind of filtering system, so he's not able to jump into your day like that and just upset your groove?

Original poster
chocoraisin · 27/04/2012 16:37

bungalows - (((hugs))) I'm so glad I could bring some positive energy your way :) it really helps me to keep on keeping on knowing I'm not the only one walking this path. xx

Blackcurrants and Midwife I guess you guys are right, I don't know how I'm going to go about getting a 'filter' though. I might start just by removing push email from my phone! It's a small thing, but that at least puts it back in my hands when I choose to log on and deal with those things. H has been surprisingly conciliatory today. I was a bit sad waving off DS this morning, as I'm not really used to the long days yet, so he rang at lunch time for DS to say hi after his nap. I chose to take that as a nice gesture, and it was lovely to hear how chirpy DS was and know he had a good nap (only his second in the cot at MIL's). I don't expect it to last but it feels ok for today to think he's not been a total see you next tuesday for the sake of it.

First coaching session booked in for Monday at 8pm. EEK! better get myself together so I have something to talk about! Grin

OP posts:
midwife99 · 27/04/2012 17:14

Big hugs to you & DS Smile

blackcurrants · 27/04/2012 17:37

You might be able to set up an inbox filter, where ALL emails from your H go to a separate file, and then you ONLY open that file once a week, or whatever. That might help? I think you're right about needing to take back control over when and how he enters your world/space/thoughts - if YOU decide to open the file/log on and see the emails, fair enough. But you shouldn't have to jump just because he's decided he wants to yank on your chain. he shouldn't have that much power over you.

Damnit, there shouldn't be a chain! So let's get on with breaking that chain. :)