nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

Oh porridge what a nob!! I know what you mean. Serious lack of insight hey?

What did he think was going to happen Porridge - that you'd still want to accompany him for a candlelit dinner now and again?! Saying that my STBXH is talking about being able to pop into each others house for a cuppa and dinner. Its like he wants the perks without the commitment. I feel torn between wanting a total break from it all/him and wanting to be friends for the sake of the DCs.

yes the king of the kingdom of nobbdom my STBXH! I wont hijack but it's like the 'script' that others here talk of.....they leave but want to retain the a space to pop back when it suits- all on their terms like a tantrum-ing 2 year old.
A bit like your ex choco, when he wanted to claim naming rights.

Same here - stbx said "don't think of it as splitting up, more of a change in the way we live" & thinks he can be here to see DCs when he sees fit.

Argh, so many nobs in one world! it's a wonder they don't all get arrested for the crime of Excessive Knobdom!

How are you feeling, Choco?

Hi Choco - how are you pet?

Kxx

hi lovelies,

I'm ok-ish thanks. Feeling a bit quiet today tbh, baby could come at any time which is exciting, but then all the new crazy starts... I'll have to cope with visitors I don't especially want to see, will have to deal with STBXH in person all over again. I'll be dealing with establishing feeding etc which isn't awful but is very hard work... I just feel a bit reflective and sad I suppose. It's also my birthday in 2 weeks time. I'm about to have my second baby. My son is turning two. It feels like there are all these fab things happening in my life that I should be wanting to celebrate, and I can't help feeling that I should be being celebrated by the person I loved. Instead I'm getting weekly emails from him that may as well be from a stranger, and having to negotiate handing over the most precious and vulnerable people in my life to him, when really, he means nothing to us compared to what he should have been. He will always be their father, but he's not there planning the first days home, looking after DS, preparing for his second child and cherishing the woman who has created them is he? He's off fucking someone else instead. It makes me sick. Frankly, I feel completely inconsequential thanks to him, and like I don't really want to celebrate anything today :(

My MIL said to me yesterday that STBXH isn't sure what to give me for my bday. I don't want anything from him at all :( I mean honestly, there isn't anything he could give me that I would want to keep is there? Whatever he chose would be inappropriate. Not to mention that I would always wonder did his OW choose it for him? What's the bloody point? MIL seems to think he 'should' - I told her in no uncertain terms he shouldn't. Which I also feel bad about. Every time something like this comes up I have to point out again, we're not friends, I don't like him let alone want him near me. I don't want his gifts [boak] and I don't want him to try and 'do the right thing' when it's so utterly, utterly inadequate.

At the most he should make sure I get something 'from the children' that I can appreciate. But from him? He's taken away everything I could want to celebrate with him already - he is the last person I want to think of on my birthday, full stop. I can be happy about my children and I know I wouldn't be their mother if i hadn't met him... but having him act (again) like we're friends and everything's fine... it would just make me feel sick and sad inside. As if a photo-frame or generic box of soap could ever be ok... I'm his wife, I've given him his children. He's given me nothing in return... nothing is all I want from him now :(

Sorry. Very hurt today. I just want to be living the life I thought my children and I would be living right now. I wish that I wasn't facing this on my own. I resent every second he takes my son away from me, and the nausea of thinking of him taking my baby away sits right in the pit of my stomach all the time. I try to be positive but it just takes me over sometimes and I can't keep it up :(

Oh don't apologise, choco, love, you can feel as hurt as you like. This is your thread to do what you like on and we're here for you, you aren't here to entertain us and wow us with your amazingness!

I think your H doesn't get (like he doesn't get so many things) the distinction between being civil (which you are doing, at great personal cost, for the children's sake) and "being friendly because everything is actually fine, right? GREAT!"

Well, he's a wanker with the empathetic capacity of a teapot, so, fine, whatever. It still must hurt, though. And you are allowed that hurt - god knows you've earned it - you are allowed to feel it.

Remember, you don't have to see him - someone else could do handovers. And you certainly don't have to think about him seeing your precious NB for a long, long time.
I wish things had worked out the way you'd always thought they would - but who knows, this could turn out to be a better way, in the long wrong.

Keep on keeping on, choco. [hugs]

'long wrong'? argh!

"long run!"

Haven't had a drop, I promise! (probably for the best, as it's 8.45am here!)

Oh honey I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this is right now. You must be absolutely wrung out. There's no advice I can give right now given my own situation but I'm here to hold your hand. Really really wishing for happy times for you in the future. I know you deserve it (PS EX IS A CUNT) there - I've said it.

thanks B x

and M :) x-posted there!

Choco I know it's hard to cope with everything you are going through on your own and I can't imagine how you must feelbut you are strong and you'll get through it for your boys (and for yourself!!)

blackcurrants he's a wanker with the empathetic capacity of a teapot about sums it up nicely!

xxx

Choco I am sorry that you are feeling low today. You are perfectly entitled to feel this way; your supposed 'nearest and dearest' has treated you with a phenomenal lack of respect and thus indirectly also treated his children with utter selfishness.
He is a complete waste of space.
You mind yourself today. Clearing this crap out of your life will free up sapce for something wonderful I have no doubt. ((hugs))

sapce= space obviously!

As Blackcurrants said I think your H doesn't get (like he doesn't get so many things) the distinction between being civil (which you are doing, at great personal cost, for the children's sake) and "being friendly because everything is actually fine, right? GREAT!" Totally understand how you are feeling .

My DCs are all school age, but i still wonder what possesses the man who brought them into this world, to choose not to live with them? As loving caring mums we will never 'get' them so don't even waste your energy trying sweetie. You're bound to be feeling reflective at the moment and I'm so sorry that the negativity of this situation is detracting from this amazing time in your life.

FWIW, whatever STBXH gives you for your birthday, you know that he has already given you the only 2 things you'll ever want from him, your darling boys. Hang onto that thought and re-gift any lame attempt he makes at a present Everything else will pale into insignificance.

Even you, the fabulous Chocoraisin are allowed to have a blue day where you feel totally sorry for yourself at the shit situation he has dumped on you. I feel awful enough and I was the one who did the dumping, so please don't be hard on yourself for wallowing. Get some tissues, some chocolate and a cheesy daytime movie and be kind to yourself. x

thank you everyone.

Just woke DS up from his nap gently, asked him if he wanted to go see Daddy, and he immediately struggled up, picked up his teddy and nodded - he misses him too, I know he does - it just makes me so fucking unbelievably sad. DS gave me a big cuddle and went off all bleary eyed... I just hurt for him, for DS2 and for myself. I want his daddy to be here when he wakes up, every day. Because he loves us and we're important to him. Because nothing compares to being with your family, the precious gift of being with your children. When they need you, when they are ready to wake up... not on a schedule. I can't see a time when I will ever understand his choices. I don't want to have to accept them.

I know that I will, and this is just a particularly hard day. The braxton hicks contractions are coming on and off and try as I might, I just feel scared and upset and wish that I was phoning my husband at work telling him to get ready - to be excited - to look forwards to this huge thing happening, with me. I feel fucking lonely. One more afternoon to fill all by myself.

All my plans keep me going 80% of the time. The rest of the time I want to curl up and cry and let out all this pain and rejection. He doesn't see what he's done as a rejection of his children, only a rejection of me. But I can't separate the two things. These tiny, gorgeous, wonderful, precious children want him and need him, much much more than I do. But they don't get a choice any more than I do. They have to live with the consequences of his choices. I'll do everything I can to help them, make it easy on them, protect the relationship with him they do have. But god, it kills me that none of us were enough for him. Not individually, not together. I know there is no point in asking myself why she is, because who knows in the long run if she will be? She may be let down just as badly in the future. But that's hardly something to make me feel better is it? Either they last, and she gives him something me and our children apparently lack... or he goes on his merry way hurting another person, or future family. Whatever way I look at things today I just feel lost and confused and let down :(

I think you know which way things will go for him in the future.

It wasn't that you and your DSs weren't enough for him, its that he would never be satisfied, no matter how much he had. He is greedy and selfish, this is not a failing on your part, there's nothing you could ever have done differently to have prevented this. There are no bright and cheery words to make this all ok, just know in your heart that YOU WILL BE OK.

Lets face it, most blokes are pretty useless during labour anyway, who do you have as your birth partner?

I will never understand how anyone could walk away from children let alone an unborn child. He is either as thick skinned as my ex or in denial. My ex has never taken DD to school, or collected her, or taken her to the doctor or dentist or on holiday or got up with her in the night when she was a baby. He has no idea what her blood group is, or her allergies or who her friends are. All he knows is what she tells him when he sees her every other Sunday most of which is spent in the car. And he cancels that sometimes too. Choco - it is despicable what stbx has done - one day he may realise but probably not or he couldn't have done it in the first place. Who is coming with you for your section?

Hugs to you choco sorry you are having a bad day..

I too will never understand how my H can walk away from the daughter that he adored.

Give it time and we will all be so much happier I hope!

My mum is coming with me. She was with me when DS arrived too, so I know she'll be great on the day. I'm not too worried about the big event, more about the weeks after when I am exhausted and hormonal, getting breast feeding going and generally sore. I had bad baby-blues the first time round (not PND, just the weepies) so I guess I'm apprehensive about that too.

I will be ok today, I've had some weird continental chocolate biscuits, taken time out for a cup of tea and a cry. I guess not every day can be a coping day. Thank you so much for listening and replying - I feel much less lonely knowing that people care enough to send a virtual hug. x

You know (this might sound daft) but this is also a coping day.
This is the way you are coping with how you feel.
That's absolutely the right thing to do.

You're still coping, choco, you wonderful coper!

Tell me more about these tasty-sounding biscuits. I've eaten about 3,004 cheese biscuits with philadelphia on them, and am wondering if we can afford Chinese food for lunch. Soooo hungry!

Have some more plus a big group hug

By the way if you need anything & I mean anything over the next few months please ask.

Oooh were they those Bahlsen ones they had on special in Tescos? I love them!