nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

My H wa putting photos on Facebook of daughter in the park etc and tagging me in them. I'm sure he thought he was being nice but it annoyed and upset me. If I put pics on I didn't tag him but he would always put a like on them which annoyed me

I've now unfriended him so I can't see it all

Don't feel bad and don't send him pics he doesn't deserve it

Skye & Choco - no contact is required or healthy. Don't go there!!

H won't see pics of first day at school or school plays or Christmas day or birthday or anything else. He walked out so forfeits those rights.

Remember why he is a twat and ignore it.

I seem to start WAY too many posts on this thread with something like "Oh, Choco " so I'm not going to do that here.

Instead I am going to ride these big raging hormones and tell you, Chocoraisin the magnificent, that if your fucking fuck of an Ex is going to fuck with the boundaries that you have reasonably and politely put in place to protect YOURSELF and YOUR FAMILY at this super-delicate time in your pregnancy, and indeed your life, he is even more of a selfish, boarderline abusive fuckwit than I had ever imagined, and I hope that he is routinely sodomized in hell by demons with barbed penises. (Penii? WILLIES, anyway). Do NOT respond to him, THE FUCKING FUCK!

Good. Now, I feel better. How about you? Do you have any chocolate? You can totally have some of mine, it's the good stuff...

oh god I just re-read that post and am laughing at myself in horror.

Would you believe I almost never swear in real life?

BUT HE'S SUCH A FUCKING FUCKER!

Ho Choco

He really is an arse! The whole nicey-nicey act, is just that, an act. In terms of undermining your entirely reasonable request to not be contacted, there are more then one way of going about it. This is one of them.

He is contacting you not because he thought you'd appreciate the photos and but because you specifically told him not to contact you for any reason. He knew that this would upset you, and is testing the water to see how you react.

If you get pissed off with him, then he'll tell everyone, "oh poor ickle me, I can't win, I try to be nice and she's just so unreasonable" manipulative twat that he is If you reciprocate his gesture, then he'll know that you're not serious about the no contact thing.

In your shoes I would just ignore, ignore, ignore, do not acknowledge in any way. If he continues to send you stuff, ignore, ignore some more. If he still continues to send you stuff, consider blocking his email address and instruct your solicitor to tell him to stop.

Sorry he's doing this, chin up!

and what blackcurrants said

thank you skye, midwife and blackcurrants I love you guys. Seriously.

Have just scarfed down a caramel magnum and feel marginally better.

I will not reply. I think what I might do is say (in the agreed, pre-arranged weekly email and not before) that H can get in touch with my mum if he wants to call/skype DS... although even that feels a bit yuk. At least that way there is a line of communication open to him, that isn't about me. A lot of the step/lone parents say how hard it is to go a week without contact and how much of a bitch the RP is if they don't allow any communication. If I offer him a way to get in touch then at least I'm not playing into the whole 'poor me what a bitch my ex is' charade :( Honestly sometimes I can't express how much I hate what he's become in my life.

x-post with you Bodmin - thank you, good reality check! I knew it felt manipulative as hell. It's good to hear so clearly why! He is indeed a shit.

@bodmin and black - btw I hope he is routinely soddomised in hell too hahaha

Don't forget the barbed willies, choco - that part is important.

Which animal is it with the barbed penis? I know ducks have ones like a corkscrew....

Sorry, tangent there. The magnum sounds delish, I am eating home-made tapioca pudding with coconut milk, and it's bloody lovely.

He's not being nice. He's being a manipulative arsehole of the first order. And barbed demon willies are all he's good for, certainly not a response, nor indeed a moment more of your evening!

blackcurrants seems to be a bit unsure about her feelings with regard to your DH, choco. Perhaps she can clarify

I entirely agree, however - fuck the fucking fucker and the fucking horse he rode in on. Simple response initially is just not to answer. Secondly I think this is the thin end of the wedge aimed at reopening a dialogue you have specifically closed down, probably to try and heap pressure on you again to allow OW to play a more active role in the children's lives. (Like that should be a priority at this stage). You don't need to see pics of ds on his one day out a week, but you might want to agree to an online photo gallery where you will put pics for him / close family to see which perhaps under different circumstances you would put on FB or whatever. You could set it up on Flickr and disable comments, so he can't use it as a way to get to you.

But certainly do not offer this off the back of this email.

I cant take my own advice, but I can give it to others

Perhaps you could also say in your email that while seeing photos of your DS having fun is lovely, you have specifically requested no contact because it is painful to see him enjoying exactly the sort of family days that pre-break-up you would have been involved with. It would be better in future if he could put any photos into an album for DS to share with you at a time when you feel more able to talk to him about his visits with daddy. At the moment, as you have already explained it is causing you stress and anxiety so please refrain from emailing except xyz etc.

x

that's an excellent idea for the future Tribpot, which would take care of the newborn issue as well. I will no doubt suggest it as a line of communication/sharing info re: the boys in July, thank you for the suggestion! I'll offer it completely separately from anything to do with the email he's sent me though. I think I definitely need to ignore today, otherwise you're all right, I'll have shown myself to be ridiculously malleable and easy to undermine. When I said I didn't want to talk for a few weeks I had to mean it, nice or nasty - I need the break, and he needs to know when I draw a line I mean it.

black I can't believe I just googled this for you

x-post trib. You don't think this is the ideal time to mention an album/gallery? In a kind of "I don't want routine updates, just put it all here so I can look at it when I choose to" kind of way.

Something we did, Choco when our son was born (we live in the USA) was start a blog and post up pictures and videos of him on there. It's basically a granny-pleasing move, and it works! (I prefer it to FB because no one has to log in to anything to see it, and it's not shoved in anyone's faces - they can check it as and when they like). One day perhaps you will have reached a level of equanimity towards him (THOUGH HE WON'T EVER DESERVE IT, THE CHEATING SCUM) and then perhaps you might initiate something like a joint Tumblr or Flickr page to which you could both upload photos so all family can see. That way (1) it doesn't land in your inbox upsetting your day, it's a neutral pinboard-y kind of space and (2) grannies get to see pictures, which they like. It's not at all a bad idea, but it's an idea for 'one day'.

That day is not today. That day is not even CLOSE to today. Because he's using your fucking child to fucking well get at you. THE FUCKER.

Here endeth the lesson.

x-post with you and many other sensible, less-foul-mouthed people.

I can't believe you googled it either. It's brilliant!

for you choco I think you just made my day.

choco...what a manipulative, boundary jumping twat. I chime in with the advice to ignore. Twat from Twatsville. Later when he has learned something about respecting your space is when you can let the reasonable, respectful you out....not at the moment though.

Another who wishes she would walk the walk and not just talk the talk

DoingIt - I know what you mean, it's a hard one to call. My feeling is that choco's specifically said no contact, he's broken that request in a way that is almost impossible for her to call him on without looking like the bad guy. Now in order to actively resolve the problem choco has to communicate with him further and thus he has 'won'. Or at least scored a cheap point and this fucker is nothing if not cheap!

On the other hand, if choco doesn't tackle it now he can argue later that she accepted the first communication so why is she now making a fuss about it. choco, I'd be tempted to claim you have a rule that shunts all his email into a folder for reading later (do you organise contact via email?) and so you didn't notice it for x days. Which would buy you some time to distance yourself from today's little bomb.

Ha ha girls - say it like it is!! Ignore the fucker - his guilt trip attempts are bouncing off your mn force field!

I think ignore is the only way to go love! PS How is the bump?

my lovely DP's have told me to forget about it and assign it to a folder to languish in for now. As they rightly pointed out, H has their numbers, the house number and his own DM would always call on his behalf if he wanted/needed to get in touch re DS. Even if he just wanted to say he missed him. It's only 3-4 weeks for gods sake, the letter from my Sol just asked him to refrain from contacting me prior to the birth it's not like I'll never take his calls again... pfft.

And breathe!!!!

bump is bloomin uncomfortable actually midwife - DS2 is wedged under my ribs and other than patting my bladder with his little fists every ten minutes, he seems to be rolling his bum from side to side every half hour, stretching my belly button until it hurts! I actually slept propped up almost sitting last night just so I could breathe and lay off the rennies.

I'm willing him to engage and drop soon but at the same time I know it's better for him to stay in there at least another fortnight or more, so I'm trying to be patient!!