nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

Seriously, though, I think picturing your happy life with your two lovely sons and plenty of time for sitting in the garden watching them massacring plants and eating bugs enjoying nature and you developing your own interests and hobbies and ... thinking about how great it's going to be, and how SOON it's going to be good - that's what you need to do now.

Because it really is going to be great, and really soon. And you have so much wonderful stuff in your life that's yet to happen. And so much worthless baggage that's been dropped!

Great advice girls!!

Thanks for the warm words ladies, I thought I might have sounded like I was giving a sermon, I can get a bit carried away... Like blackcurrents, I work from home. If I'm on long and dull conference calls, I find myself dipping in and out of MN more than I should be during the day but it's just so compulsive!

Choco, I read one of your threads a while ago and then seemed to lose track of it so when I saw it on active today, I was compelled to write something because you've been so inspiring and I was wondering how you were getting on. It can be tough staying on course and you have many of us to help nudge you back on track when you're feeling low.

Have you read any Jane Fallon books? You're probably shattered in the evenings but if you have some time and haven't read any Jane Fallon (Ricky Gervais' partner) she is great, worth a read, very distracting, not sure if you're ready for Getting Rid of Matthew yet, written from perspective of an OW, whose dream come true soon turns into a total nightmare. But then again it might be just what you need!

gosh... inspiring isn't a word I'd use about myself twice in one day but thank you cheese and mama I am so glad that being myself is appreciated in the realm of MNetters, helps to make up for feeling a bit adrift in the RW sometimes!! I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the lot of you have inspired, encouraged and supported me more than I thought possible so thank you all.

I think that book sounds perfect for about 3-4 months time when I have nailed one handed b/feeding and have the serenity to be killing time at 3am reading... perhaps I'll be zen enough to pop it in the post afterwards as a cheeky xmas present from me for OW should she still be around in Dec haha.

Not sure if I said before, but I have their address now (honestly, it took one phonecall. Hardly stalker behaviour. I don't know what all the fuss was about now). It's a silly thing but at the very least it took the power out of that particular issue for me. I'm trying to channel calm for tomorrows meeting.

Have thought a lot about whether to bring up the naming her issue, and I think we need to discuss why it was a big deal for me even if it's not the route we go down. I plan to explain why I think it's important that the truth is represented, it's not about victory or shaming her or retribution (honestly, I know it will make fuck all difference to her). But the truth is all I have, and I object morally to being told I must not tell the truth in the interests of 'keeping things amicable and conciliatory [for them]'. However, I am now prepared to simply get the divorce over and done with if needs be. But I cannot be represented by someone who thinks I'm stupid, or vindictive or pointlessly angry and doesn't see my POV in this instance... so if she and I can't reach an understanding even in principle about my desire to name her... I may just shelve the divorce completely and come back to it with fresh eyes and representation later on.

I realise the most important thing to solve is the contact issue anyway, so that has to be my priority. The practical boundaries need to be drawn. I'm already wavering about saying I need space, disappointingly - I seem incapable of putting myself first without getting the god almighty fear that I will be seen to be unreasonable. Heaven knows why I should care! I wouldn't be the only one now would I?? meh. Jobs for the night, use my talent and go update the blog - thanks for the nudge cheese, then get a good nights sleep.

hope you all have a lovely evening too x

Think of it this way. You are not putting yourself first. You are putting bean first. And his big brother. They need a healthy happy Mum at this moment in time. And a tired, upset one due to selfish thoughtless behaviour on the evil duos part is not what they need. Go no contact untill after the birth, if you can arrange pick up drop off via his family, friends, etc, fine (in fact make him find someone to do pick ups)
It's not forever, just for now.

Thanks Cheese for the excellent posts and for asking .. he is still an arse but I avoid having anything to do with him where possible

Choco you sound back on track .. You are awesome xx

Your lawyer needs to be just that, your lawyer and if she doesn't understand where you're coming from or can't advise you in a way that validates you, then ditch her too.

And as for mailing Jane Fallon, Gettng Rid of Matthew to OW when you're finished with it, well that would be priceless.

Now you see how much material you're getting for your blog from all this angst, it's rich fodder for you!

We will absolutely hold you to that one!!

Hello KW, sorry to hear that. There are a lot of them about.

HUGS KW

girding my loins... off to the lawyer... will report back!

thanks for all the pompom waving and general awesomeness x

Hope it goes well today :)

Hope it went well today choco

thanks ladies :) It did go well - we aren't bothering with the divorce now, poss not for 6 months or more. It's not like it makes any diff to me, and I'm ok with that. She understood my POV about naming her and said if I'd been really upset today again she would have gone ahead and done it, but would have been worried the stress would have upset me in the long run. She said it's better to treat them both as non-entities and ignore anything to do with them instead of giving them power over my life, or power over my divorce.

Also, she said to keep contact as it stands but arrange it via third parties for the next month. She's going to write to his sol to say times will be available as usual but he is not to come to the house (mutually agreed drop off TBC) and is not to contact me by phone or email in the meantime until after the baby is born and he is invited to do so. I will include an offer for visits in hospital, which he may respond to if he wishes to add anything. If he chooses not to then I will assume my wishes are fine by him, and will inform midwives etc about when he may and may not visit.

She also pointed out that I seem very fearful of someone who is behaving in an extremely controlling way, and whether or not I realise it, it's time for me to see myself as entirely independent of him. That I need to 'stop being afraid of my own shadow' re: DS and the baby, that I have always supported contact and being firm with what is and isn't ok - like not coming into my house - is not going to make any judge give him overnight access or take my babies off me. Which when you put it like that, does sound stupid. But I guess I'm so used to making him the centre of the universe it does take a big effort to say I don't give a monkey's fart about him (and mean it, and follow through).

I will get there!!

Great, it sounds like your solicitor has a good grasp of the situation and is advising you wisely especially the part about treating them both as non-entities. I'm glad the divorce is on hold - its just a formality that will affect them more than it will you, so I really think its for the best to put it to the back of your mind. He's out of your home and now he will be out of your sight for the next few months too. Breath in a big lungful of twunt-free air and relax.

Your solicitor sounds like just what you needed!

Hope you can relax a bit now xx

Oh that's good news, choco - and it does seem like your sol is in your corner and thinking clearly about these things. He is extremely selfish and so it doesn't surprise me that you're used to putting him at the centre of your world - he's been insisting you do that, by his behaviour, all this time! I think her suggestions are awesome - get them in place! Do it! You'll be so liberated! :)

Im glad you got on well with the solicitor today. It does sound like she wants what is best for you. I get on well with my solicitor. I know that Im just another case to him, but he did make me face up to facts re inappropriate contact with OW etc. Unfortunately, he has seen it all before in every variation you can imagine.

My H doesnt want a divorce, my BIL told me that H is very "hurt" by the fact Im divorcing him. Well Im very "hurt" by the fact that he walked out on us and doesnt love me any more to quote his own words and by the fact that he texted his best friends wife 100 times a day! Im taking back the control and divorcing him, or else it might never happen. He couldnt organise his way out of a paper bag.....

Concentrate on yourself and your children now. Look after yourself, get some rest and in a few months time, divorce him in the way that you want to.

skye - well done for taking back control, what a total prat your H is. Honestly, he's hurt?? Well poor him. I hope you get to see things through in a way that empowers you.

I'm feeling ok at the moment. I think once this weekend is done with I'll feel better (it's too late to send the letter before next contact, and I have no-one to help this week). One more weekend of seeing his face then I get a real break... thank god.

And - breathe!

I dont even look at my H when he picks up/drops off, its amazing how somebody can be stood right in front of you and dont look at their face! I get everything ready outside the door (weather permitting obviously), then just let him pick it up. I say goodbye to my daughter then shut the door. When he comes back he tends to hand stuff straight to me, so I just take it while not looking at him. I have no desire to make eye contact with the man. He wants to be friendly, well he can fcuk right off!

Grit your teeth for this weekend, then you wont have to worry about it again for a while....

Stay strong!

Oh well done Choco. Hope it goes well for this last pickup. Don't let h engage you in any conversation. At all.
And Skye - poor diddums, are his ickle feelings hurt? Aww. :)

Solicitor sounds very sensible & caring Choco. I few weeks twunt free will make all the difference. If he breaks this report him for harassment because he has been told to leave you alone for your health & well being.

Good work, Choco, you're in control as far as you can be. Sounds like you have a better rapport with your lawyer now and she's got a good handle on things.

Must be a tough job, having to see people go through such strife. Guess it hardens you up, bit like doctors.

I am exactly the same Skye No eye contact .. I'm not in the slightest bit interested in him

Choco It is good that you have a plan in place now .. you have all the power to control things as you see fit ... xx

ok... so the letter is on it's way. I hope all the drama will settle down. Apart from everything else, DS has had nothing but trouble with his asthma since the trial off his preventor inhaler, and is now about to start two new medications to get him back under control. He's not sleeping at all (up til 10 last night, up from 2.45am - 4am, up again before 7) so I'm a walking husk of a woman hanging onto my last thread of sanity as it is!

My MIL is going to collect/drop off for me this weekend (bless her soul) so I actually don't have to deal with him now at all til post birth lets hope that it is that simple!

Yay hooray! Glad MIL is helping you out with the access too, big weight off your mind. x