nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

Choco..we're sending so much love and strength to you. That mans insensitivity is disgusting and I actually do not even have a word for OW audacity. All her bs is complete projection and she should be well clear of you especially when you are so heavily pregnant with YOUR husbands child.

I feel so desperately sad that a woman who is in my eyes intelligent, witty, compassionate, kind and INSPIRING could ever be treated in such a terrible way. Your words the past months have really touched my life, I feel almost certain that I cannot be the only one. There is something very special about you lady and it shines through your words and hits my soul everytime I read something by you. The way you have conducted yourself since discovering their betrayal has been truely selfless, poised, dignified and thoughtful, which after what you've been through, truely reflects your amazingness.

I just want you to know that although your stbxh and his silly little child-woman are selfish, twunty heads....you choco...are just fabulous.

The not naming OW thing...correct me if i'm wrong but surely you are instructing the solicitor so if you wish to proceed down the naming route-which I absolutely 1000000% agree with then why the bloody helll can't you. I actually believe in your circumstances it would be the right thing to do because XH and OW need to have some kind of record of their terrible actions and you deserve the truth in the civil records. Why the hell should your divorce not be truthfully recorded. Personally I would phone the solicitor, say that you could see where she was coming from but that is absolutely not the way you wish to proceed. Choco you have a bump, a young son, and months worth of concilitory actions...I am actually quite mad about that and I don't believe for a second a judge would penalise you for naming twunty!!

Sending alllllllll our love sunshining lovely one!
xxxxx

*proceed without naming OW

Big hugs Choco, and I'm do sorry you are being put through all of this. Your solicitor may think she is doing the right thing, but I totally understand your need for closure. You've been so marvellous and strong. No words of advice really, as I'm no where near as nice or unselfish as you (his testicles would be decorating my mantle piece by now) but I have a feeling that your path will be the right one for you.

You could just tell him that he is making you ill and to leave you alone untill after bean arrives.

"The not naming OW thing...correct me if i'm wrong but surely you are instructing the solicitor so if you wish to proceed down the naming route-which I absolutely 1000000% agree with then why the bloody helll can't you."

I was going to say... you are presumably paying this solicitor stupid amounts of money so she should damn well do what you ask! Could you find another one that would do it (if Skyebluesapphire's will then there must be others) or are you too far along with things to change now?

Hi Choco. This all sounds so stressful for you - why is the divorce happening so quickly? If it was at your insistence to be rid of him asap then I fully understand, but is there any way it could be slowed down a bit so that you can deal with all the inevitable twattery after DS2 is born?

You really should be able to relax, enjoy your last few weeks of being pg and start getting excited about the birth and those precious first weeks with your boys. That you're having to visit solicitors and discuss the ins and outs of naming and shaming them just seems like your energy is being directed in the wrong place.

Can you shut him out for a few weeks (other than DS1 access) to allow you to focus on the really important things at the moment.

I know you want closure but he probably wants it more, so that he can pretend his relationship is above board and respectable, not the sordid affair that it really is. Just a thought x

my solicitor would have definitely named her in full for adultery if I had proof, but unfortunately all I have is a bit of flirty banter on record, no proof of anything actually happening, but if I had any proof at all, he would have happily gone for adultery and named her in full and she would have got a copy of the petition.

I think she wants the divorce sorted quickly due to finances e.g OP isn't able to consider buying her own place etc until she knows what's what....

I agree though that OP needs to be less stressed and more focused on the forthcoming birth and would consider getting someone (her parents/MIL?) to tell him to leave her alone as she isn't well.

Yes love & support in droves. Anything you need just ask.

Thanks HotChoc, I hadn't taken the ££ into account, but even so, would a few weeks make a big difference there Choco? Could it be worth putting the brakes on it, just for the next couple of months?

I second the idea to get the parents to intervene and point out the effect all this is having on you & bean.

hello all, thank you so much for the support and advice. I wanted the divorce dealt with now so that we could all move on and formalise the arrangements (financial and contact) before I am hopelessly hormonal with the new baby, it seemed like the right thing to do. But that was when I foolishly thought that STBXH would actually follow through on his promise to admit adultery and make it a swift/pain free experience. Obviously that was just a glib statement made to grease the wheels earlier on and not what he ever intended to do. I don't have the emails that proved their adultery, I didn't forward them to myself before I confronted him. Although he is living with her he is not on the tenancy and I would struggle even to prove that. It all feels like so much sand between my fingers right now. The truth means nothing unless you can produce a paper trail and get an honest account from the other parties. Looks like I'll have to settle for unreasonable behaviour and just swallow my pride and anger after all :(

Although in more positive news, my lawyer is meeting me tomorrow. She says there is no way I should be subjected to his requests for 'dialogue' etc at this stage of pregnancy and (from what I understand) thinks I should actually stop contact for a few weeks until baby comes to protect my health, baby's health and the general wellbeing of my little family. The thought of saying he can't see DS fills me with dread and fear because I am so scared it will be used against me at a later date, but she assures me it wouldn't be. I don't know if arranging visits through other people is better or even possible but I am willing to hear her out. I feel so exhausted and wrung out. I've already had a day in hospital with early contractions back at 29weeks and I just need to slow down and relax, but I can't. I wanted to go back to bed this morning to catch up on sleep but have been so anxious and angry that I ended up doing a big supermarket shop instead just to have something to occupy me and keep me busy.

I replied in the end (just to make his emails stop) saying she was welcome to contact me care of my solicitor, and gave the address. But that under no circumstances, for any reason, was she to contact me by email or phone herself. H replied that 'it is not in the spirit of the suggestion' to expect her to go through my solicitor, and that it would 'be necessary' for me to communicate with her before the divorce process goes through (why?? FGS) but that he would 'understand' that now was not when I was ready. As if he was doing me some fucking favour.

I fall between despair, anger, humiliation and just laughing at the insanity of it all right now. I definitely need a break from him, however that may be achieved :( I just want to make sure it happens in a way that is good for DS and he doesn't have to suffer any fall out from H with me putting down new boundaries.

Oh dear

You shouldn't have replied to his emails, he will do this again knowing you will give in eventually. I appreciate though that you must feel so exhausted and worn down.

You do not need to hear from her - there is nothing she can say that will make you feel better.

I would filter all of his emails and texts and leave until you feel able to cope with reading these. Ask your family to help keep him away.

As for your DS - remember that a happy Mum makes for happy children so if he does not get to see his Dad for a few weeks in order to ensure you and bean are ok, so be it. You need to put yourself and baby first at the moment.

I'm hoping that I'll leave tomorrow with a plan of action, that my solicitor can send in a letter to his. That way I won't even have to tell him myself what I will be doing about the divorce or contact etc. I just want to disengage completely, ignore all emails and texts and shut him out for a few weeks. I know I was fuelling the issue by replying, its just so hard not to :( which is why I need help to formalise things now. When it's left to me, I just crumble right now. I want everything dealt with by a third party who has no emotional involvement for the time being (ie, not my parents or his either). Someone who can just lay down the law and say 'enough is enough, my client will accept x, y and z. That is all'.

Choco, I really feel for you and its all so bloody unfair, but the solicitor has a point. If Ex & OW feel no guilt about the way they have behaved, naming OW on a divorce petition will be a hollow and maybe expensive victory for you.
Anybody who matters knows what they have done.

But I really think that Exdh should be leaving you completely alone at the moment you do not need his utter nonsense to be stressing you out. I do not understand why he won't leave you alone and perhaps OW feeling "frightened" of you is just her feeling threatened by you! Rope in MIL your parents anyone basically who can do the hand-overs with DS for you and ignore the texts and emails for the time being.
ExH seems to be full of self importance, he isn't though is he! You and the Ds's are important now especially you. The birth is going to be really emotional and you have to be in the right frame of mind to cope.

Forget ExH , forget the divorce for the time being, and just concentrate in getting yourself as calmly as possible through the next couple of months.

Take care!

Yes, even better idea Choco, use your solicitor to keep him at arms length instead of parents. It means that everything you say will be formal, legal and neutral, without emotions muddling things. Then the parents can concentrate on looking after you and DS when you need a helping hand rather than being go-betweens. I do think you should use them for hand-overs where possible though, to prevent you from having anything to do with him.

Please don't accept the blame for not doing things 'in the spirit' of whatever fucked up suggestion he makes. He has not exactly acted in the spirit of his wedding vows or indeed in the spirit of being a decent human being.

Maybe your solicitor is right about not naming her as they will just see that as you being spiteful (morally bankrupt as they are) and use it as justification for his actions.

Disengage, let your solicitor do what she can and take a deep breath. I have a feeling its going to be a bumpy ride, but we're all here for you.

Hello Choco, I've been following your situation, with a mix of admiration (for you) and total contempt (ex h and ow).

Can you put an out of office or automatic reply to your email to say due to your late stage pregnancy and the need to prioritise your children over everything else, you are not picking up or responding to emails?

As you already know, your ex is a complete sociopath and he has probably done you a favour to bugger off (what a prize the ow has got herself). Even if the timing of it all seems lousy.

He is never ever going to understand how the stress of this situation is impacting you and your ds2. He has no ability to relate. If your lawyer says that no contact is an option in order to protect you and the baby, hope you can make that happen.

Sometimes a conscious decision to simply accept what is happening, rightly, wrongly despite the injustice and inequity, can help you manage your stress better.

What's happened is completely and utterly unfair. I'm not saying cave into everything they want, stand your ground in terms of no contact in order to protect yourself and make your requirements clear. But where my heart goes out to you, is the fresh hurt and disappointment you feel every time your ex does something despicable.

You have ever right to be bitter and resentful but if you can, choose not to be.

Choose to be happy that he is out of your life, that you get to be with your children more than he does, that the ow has got someone who is almost guaranteed to fuck her about at some stage, that you have wit, intelligence and some fabulous size 10 jeans which you will soon be in again. Your life may be different from how you imagined it would be but you are the lucky one, you are not going to be married to such an almighty plonker. You have two boys who will love you like no one has every loved you and certainly as children, they will never ever love anyone else as much as they love you.

That poor fucking deluded OW, she hasn't got a fucking clue what bed she has made for herself.

You're the fortunate one, Choco.

Although your ex will still be in your life and the lives of your children, just work towards the best terms for you, it's irrelevant what the grounds of your divorce are, put it all behind you as quickly as possible, it's just a means to an end. Put your best game face on. Now's the time to put aside the emotional injustice of it all (easier said than done but you're strong and smart) and get the best terms for you and your children, what works for you, that's the key going forward, what's written on the divorce papers is not relevant any more. Even if you have the OW named on the papers, I don't think it would make you feel any better in the long run.

Let the OW have your ex on a plate with your blessing.

You will come out of this stronger, wiser, more beautiful (literally, think of those jeans!), you have a whole new life to shape.

OW has an arse of a bf and will have to share him with your boys.

No one aspires for that and if they do, that's just rather pitiful.

Take care Choco, you have talent, you're using it, keep up the blog, maybe there's a book in you too.

Turn this around, there's an opportunity in it for you.

I'm sorry this is so long, I have a habit of going on sometimes but I so want you to be over this hurt and disappointment. I don't want that spineless twat of an ex and his gf to have any more power over you than they currently have.

No more angst. The deeds are done. It's now just time to do the paperwork and live your new life with high expectations, you will do great things Choco, and as your boys get older they will respect you and be proud of you, no matter what.

Excellent post cheeseandpineapple

No one actually gets to see the divorce papers do they so what difference does it make what they say Choco? You will always know (and so will they) that the divorce was due to their adultery and that is what matters

Sending you a hug (()) hope today is going better

Kxx

Hello choco - I've just caught up and am agog and horrified and (of course!) a bit teary over all this (just you wait till I hear your lovely DS2 has arrived, I'll be in floods all day! :) ). I'm so upset for you, but I think you're being amazing and doing absolutely the right thing - no contact between you and him that isn't through your Sol. and maybe if you want DS to keep seeing him (to keep that consistent) then do that through your mum or a friend/auntie, so you don't have to see him for dropoff and pickup. Would that work?

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you don't have to see him or hear from him at ALL for four, maybe five months. Think about it.

Does it feel good?

If so, MAKE it happen! It can happen! And you can do some nesting, playing in the garden with DS and some ice lollies and buckets of water (I have a very well-watered lawn!) and just put your feet up and breathe.

I wish we were closer to each other (great big atlantic does tend to get in the way), I would drive over and we'd have scones and let our boys get wet/filthy/happy, and talk about how fit Robert Downey Jr is.
Ahem. I mean, sip fruit tea and discuss politics and literature. Of course! Do you have some mates around? I think you need some other stuff to think about, a little holiday from the divorce and eve n from the coming birth.
Dr Currants prescribes you a couple of afternoons of you having fun. Tea with friends, maybe DS with granny while you buy teeny tiny white babygros or unpack some of the baby clothes, that sort of thing. Or go and see the Avengers seriously Robert Downey Jr please call me.

Thanks KW, I saw from a different thread that you've got yourself a crappy ex too. Hope things are ok with you.

Choco, agreeing to a quickie, simple divorce, isn't giving into them what they want. It's agreeing to something which works for you first and foremost, fact that it suits them too, is neither here nor there.

I think OW should have no doubt that you are very happy to dispose of the twat she's shacked up with and that she's completely welcome to him.

Someone else's rejects (because that's what he is, whether he did the dirty on you or not is immaterial, you choose not to be with someone who is devoid of morals), is not nearly so attractive.

They both need to know that you can't wait to divorce him and be rid of him formally and jeez, offer to fess up to adultery yourself if it speeds things up...

Let OW be under no illusion that she is fighting you for him. She's well and truly lumbered with him now and needs to know that you have no desire for him. If you really don't want someone and if you are truly better off without them, it's easier to let go of any bitterness and resentment.

Any wounds that you feel now are just surface wounds. She may not have the visible wounds yet but they will come. They absolutely will come.

I know it might not always feel this way and you will have sad, low and wallowing moments, that's to be expected but fundamentally, the truth is, that you were in a shit marriage with a shit guy and it is better to know that now and be out of it so you can limit any further damage to you and your children.

Expect him to be crass, unreasonable, irrational, unreliable, dishonest, untrustworthy and generally useless. At least then he has no power to disappoint or let you down further.

How this OW can want to be with someone like him is just befuddling. She must have no self esteem or self worth.

Leopards, spots. She will learn the hard way.

Excellent posts cheeseandpineapple applauds

Also choco, she must have a little nagging doubt in the back of her mind about his capacity to be faithful, especially after leaving a pregnant partner.. those doubts will get louder after she has officially "won" her prize!

cheese speaks the truth - hurrah for all the clever and fabulous women on this thread!
I hope you're having a better day, Choco.

sigh you are so right, and reading the posts you wonderful people have written today (especially you cheeseandpineapple) was balm to me today. I needed to be reminded. On a better day I would hope I'd give the same advice to me :) I'm outside in the garden with DS playing with a tub of bubbly water and some cups. I've had a great friend visit with her DD and cream teas - yum! I'm consciously trying to disengage and appreciate the beautiful things in front of me today.

After all, I do know really that resentment is just taking poison and waiting for someone else to die... pointless and destructive. Even when I'm filled with it, I won't allow it to last forever. Every one of you has reminded me how little he is worth it. I'll get there in the end. Thanks for keeping my sanity for me for today x

:) Anytime, Choco - I was googling pictures of "hugh jackman shirtless" cos I don't want to do work to cheer you up. And then I thought maybe that wasn't the kind of support you needed. And then I thought: ach, Cheese has done all the good thinking today. I'll go back to updating my screensaver. I mean, work!

Good job I work from home, eh?

Anyway, these women are right. He doesn't deserve a moment of your time or attention any more, he doesn't even deserve to have you upset over whatever twattish thing he (inevitably) does next. Just keep on keeping on, soon you won't be legally tied to him any more, and you'll be a free woman with a wonderful family.

just in case, though

mmmm hahaha very much appreciated blackcurrants!! Also, I tell you what one day one of us will be across the pond and I'll treat you to cream tea and a chinwag while our boys run amok, pah, the Atlantic-smantlic - it could happen! HUGS