nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

I was on the edge for a long time, but talking to you about your lovely froggy newborn with those intense blinky eyes and that heavenly smell. . .probably helped push me over!

Thank you for all your kind words. Bedtime now, hope yours went well!

Congratulations blackcurrants!!

Choco I am aghast that the OW wants to email you .. is she so dim that she doesn't know what she and he did to you??

My DD appears to have spent a lot of time with 'my' OW today.. poor cow doesn't know what a prize she's got yet .. hahaha :)

Ah blackcurrants & chocoraisin - what a lovely yummy combination!

morning lovelies.

Sorry to be on a downer after such lovely news, I just feel dreadful today. I'm tired, upset and seem to be on the edge of tears. STBXH has so far asked me in person once, texted once and now emailed twice to ask me to 'give permission' for OW to email me. I don't want to hear what she has to say :( I feel completely betrayed all over again. He wants to 'protect' her from me (WTAF) because she is apparently scared of me, but his way of doing this is forcing me to - in his words - open a dialogue with her. I feel sick. Who is going to protect me from their fuckwittery??

Am ignoring until I can get my solicitors advice. But she's in court today so haven't got a clue when I'll be able to ask her. I just want to get off this rollercoaster now please :(

This is when I should have been starting my mat leave. Going for goodbye meals with colleagues, putting my feet up and getting excited. I just want to curl up and cry sometimes when I think about how awful H has made everything for me during this pregnancy. I can't stand it. When will I get any peace?? :(

Sorry for hosting a pity party today :(

I would reply to him that you and he are the childrens' parents and she is not and so she does not need to have any dialogue with you!!!

Sorry you are feeling down today ... is it nice weather down your way that you can just sit out and top up your vitamin D levels and relax a bit?

Kxx

I don't want to reply anything at all right now as it just seems to fuel his idiocy... Just wish I could switch off! Rainy here which is a shame, but I'm just doing DS's lunch then hopefully I'll get a minute or two peace when he naps

thanks honey x

Sorry to hear you are getting lots of crap from him. Has this man no sense of decency?!

I would be inclined to ignore his texts and emails but if he asks you again in person, just say there is nothing you want to hear from her.

Looks like she has bought into his fuckwittery though.

honestly I feel so bewildered and hurt - like I'm being bullied. What he says to me in person is completely unreasonable. Then he words his emails to make me sound like the unreasonable person. I feel like he's trying to manipulate me all the time. Everything about this feels so wrong. I just keep thinking, I'm 34 weeks pregnant why can't they leave me alone? All I want is for them to respect my need for time before forcing her into my life. I want to divorce him, for the truthful reason - his relationship with her. But what I want doesn't matter, does it? I am expected to roll over and give in to everything he wants, play nice and listen and empathise with her needs. Who the fuck is going to listen to mine? Or be in my corner? I just want to talk to my solicitor and even that isn't possible right now. I honestly feel so absolutely wretchedly lonely right now

His behaviour reminds me of a toddler's - if you have given in just once to a demand, they usually remember and will keep pestering and badgering til they get their own way.

This is why its so important to stay strong and ignore, ignore, ignore til he goes away.

Getting into a discussion will make it worse as you will see more of this bullying behaviour. Its so bloody unfair to treat you in this way esp in your condition

If there are any legal questions that you need to ask why not just post on the Legal boards until you can get your own solicitor?

Collaborate has been helping Starting on there (and now in RL too)

where are your parents' - can they help you in any way today?

Kx

Oh honey as usual he is being utterly heartless & cruel. Ignore him, don't reply & report him to the police for harassment.

Oh Choco! If I could, I'd be marching myself over there to give him a piece of my mind!

Ignore, ignore, ignore, if you need to repeat "We have nothing to discuss" and "I am not going to discuss anything" and then "Stop harassing me about this." Block, ignore, block, ignore. He's in the wrong, and she doesn't even matter - you don't need to talk to her, you don't need to see or meet her, don't even think about it.
I hope your DS is fast asleep and you can put your feet up with a nice cuppa and a cheesy film or something. This should be a lovely, celebratory time for you. I hope you can block this as another irritating little fly that you will swat at later when you have your fly-swatter (solicitor!) to hand. Let it whine on in the background, if it must, you'll swat it later, and for now, you're ignoring it.

You could always give the address then send the mail un-read to your solicitor. It would give absolute evidence of what they have done for your divorce.

I cant believe what utter bastards they are

As others have suggested, keep any written evidence of his adultery just in case you need it and then these messages will show his 'unreasonable behavoiur' too. No divorce expert here (yet) but I imagine that anything that shows them both in a bad light will be a help for you.

Or why not 'open the dialogue with her' by sending her a link to this thread (and your previous one)! She should be scared of you, but not for the reasons she thinks.

I am sorry that you are having such a bad time and I hope that things get better for you soon.

They should just leave you alone, I see no reason at all why you would want to read anything that she has to say

Take care

thank you all for the support. I am utterly crushed right now. I just spoke to my lawyer and she refused to name the OW in the papers. Apparently it goes against the code of conduct of family law now because divorce is meant to be 'conciliatory'.

It appears that this divorce will have to be conciliatory - but only to those in the wrong. As for me, the wronged party, I am not even to be shown the respect or given the dignity of knowing that the truth about my marriage will be reflected in my divorce. Oh no, I am to fudge the facts, put it in the most 'conciliatory' manner - spare the OW and STBXH the expense and the embarrassment of (god forbid!) being shown to be responsible for the end of a family. And this is meant to be in the interests of being amicable of being conciliatory and fucking nice.

Who is going to give a shit about me? Anyone? No. It doesn't matter if I want to be shown some respect and empathy, apparently I must be the one who takes it on the chin in the interests of remaining friends for the sake of the children. I can tell you all for nothing, my ability to be friendly to either of them in the future has been set back about a 1000% by the insensitivity, arrogance and damn injustice of family law. I do not owe them anything.

According to the law, despite fucking up my life, costing me my home, my career, my marriage and financial security - they don't even owe me the dignity of an apology either. In case it hurts their ability to be amicable with me in the future.

FUCK THIS

I am angry and hurt beyond belief today.

I can understand that choco ((hugs))

From your last post it seems so totally unfair.

I am so sorry. Now it seems the system itself is trying to rewrite history as your H and OW have.

It has all been happening so fast for you hasn't it? You have lost a lot and grieving is normally a long process which goes back and forward between anger, depression, shock, and denial before it could possibly move into acceptance. The whole system now seems to expect you to mentally fast forward a couple of years to a contented acceptance.

Hope you find a way to channel this anger positively to get what you and the kids need, in the short term and the long term.

I believe I am well and truly in anger again now, possibly in fact for the first time. I think they are repulsive, disgusting individuals. She is NOT a blameless person in this situation. Had she been deceived by him, not known about me, even not known about our children, she would still have been beneath my contempt. But she did know. She doesn't care. She is as selfish and vile as he is.

Not naming her and saying that this represents her being beneath my contempt (which is the advice of my solicitor) won't mean anything to her. It will just mean they both get to enjoy a quick divorce, consequence free. Vile, repulsive, disgusting people. They make me sick.

Oh Choco that's awful. At least you could have had some sense of closure if you could divorce him for adultery & name ow (she doesn't deserve capital letters). I truly believe that what goes around comes around & they'll one day have to face karma's army.

My solicitor said we couldnt use adultery as had no evidence of actual adultery, so we cant use that and name her as third party. However, he has gone for unreasonable behaviour and has named her in 3 out of 4 reasons as to why I need a divorce. All 3 reasons refer to facebook, texting etc that was totally inappropriate contact. So although she wont get a copy of it, she is named on my divorce petition......

as far as my solicitor explained, if you have proof you can name them for adultery..

my solicitor just said it wasn't the 'done thing' and that no-one did it anymore, and basically just to accept that this is a private matter between me and him. I should let it go.

un-fucking-believable.

I'll probably be forced to do the same thing sapphire it just makes me sick. She gets to live with him while I carry his baby, while he's married to me, but I can't point out that she has a part in this divorce.

The whole wretched thing makes me sick.

Oh choco xxx

The law's an ass. But she is named, everyone knows what they did with or without adultery being formally cited, and you are one step closer to getting rid.

You will never get the apology or acknowledgment you deserve because they are fuckwits who, as said many times on this thread before, need to fuck off to the far side of fuck!

You do not have to take their shit on the chin. despite everything you have not and will not be down for long, you have been reasonable yet honest and firm. and for a start, WE all care about you.

On a nicer note, let me know if you'd like DC2 breastfeeding tips, can pm you.

thanks Dozer I think I could definitely do with a change of conversation for tonight, tips would be fab. Time to focus on the good things coming my way, not the shite-storm! The rage is beginning to subside, once again, I owe you lovelies a hug for letting me vent and being so calming and kind. You all rock x

Oh choco it all just sucks, doesn't it? Anger is part of grief and is a natural response to hurt. Of course you are angry because they have destroyed your precious intact family. You have been so dignified and reasonable and mature and putting your DS ( and DS2) first and they have just acted like the scum they are.
Your feelings will diminish. You won't stay in this level of pain. Just keep the boundaries strong and try not to respond to his idiot suggestions about OW.
You have all the joy of DS2 to look forward to and a lifetime of happy mothering of your boys.
When karma eventually catches up with EX and something awful happens in his life, you may find you don't even care.
Menawhile you have your cyber support team sending hugs.