nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

Oh honey I'm sorry - its not bloody fair! He gets fun dad time & you get the hard work. BUT if my DD aged 8 (the unwanted baby) is anything to go by - your DSs will always want & prefer you. Absent father is ok for the odd weekend but mum is their everything. My DD sees her dad as a fairly stupid buffoon who she has to put up with but would rather not bother with!

Thank you MW. You know, it's funny, today DS really seemed cross with him when he arrived. Wasn't keen to rush out and say hi, and was really put out when he said goodbye too. The whole 'more, more daddy?' bit just makes me realise that he is starting to notice that daddy isn't around much and it doesn't feel right to him either :( its so sad. I am relentlessly positive about it (even today!) but I can see it won't wash forever, or even for very much longer. :(

Choco :( just caught up with your thread..my heart is breaking for you, DS, and bean. I actually can't believe his behaviour, you just deserve so much more respect and care..what an arse! I agree with PP no more mrs nice..get his balls, squeeze and don't let go as for ow...you as a threat is laughable..guess shes not sleeping so soundly at night after all! sending all our love and solidarity xx xx xx

Choco, my daughter also becomes hyperactive on Piriton as I discovered when I gave it to her at bedtime when she had chicken pox, she finally stopped ricocheting around her cot at about 2am! When I told my gp he gave me a prescription for a different antihystemine which doesn't contain the hyperactive ingredient. As it turned out we didn't need to use it so I can't confirm that it works but it may be worth asking your gp.

thanks Mama I will be tougher from now on I promise! And thanks for the tip Merrily, DS's godfather is visiting tomorrow, he's a GP so I hope he will be able to give me some sensible advice to sort things out with DS. I would stop giving the piriton but his eyes were so irritated yesterday he has rubbed them almost raw, they are bruised where he's been scratching/rubbing as if he has two black eyes :( I have to wait til Monday now at the earliest for a GP appt down here.

I actually thought DS was having a mini fit he was so wound up earlier! I think he was just completely in his own little hyper world though. Poor wee puff. :(

That's so weird - nothing knocks me out faster than piriton! I hope the poor little mite feels better in the morning & you have a good night's sleep with squirmy bean!

That's why I gave it to her at bedtime! My older daughter goes straight to sleep when she has it so I wondered what the hell was going on when the baby went beserk, then I read the smallprint...!

Hope you have a better night Choco and poor itchy ds.

Poor little DS hope he can get something else to soothe his eyes. I can imagine being 8 months pg in this heat, your nights aren't very restful anyway, but with the little fella being hyper too you must be exhausted. Look after yourself and make sure that your visitors let you put your feet up and take care of you too.

I think CSA all the way. Wherever you have a formal legal channel to sort anything out I'm afraid you should use it as he will only do 'amicable' and 'reasonable' if that applies to his definition of those words (i.e. in his & OW's best interests)

You can still be calm and reasonable about it, but try to treat it as a business transaction - you need to have everything in writing, all the loopholes closed and leave any sense of being 'fair or nice' out of it. The only people you need to be fair to are your DSs and yourself. As if you should care whether she gets in trouble with her landlord FFS. They really are in a different world aren't they.

Hope you have a good weekend with DSs godfather. x

Poor DS and poor you. I guess you now know that your ex is always going to take the most twattish possible action. I hope it will help to assume the worst of him from now on in any interaction.
Just to confirm; he was asking you to consider the feelings of the OW?
Serve them publicly - I admire your amicable approach around your DS but I think he is going to exploit any civility you show him.

Yeah I agree. No direct communication re money or where he lives or ow or anything. Serve them, contact CSA & block them out of your life as much as possible.

Morning Choco, I hope that your poor exhausted little fellow is alright today, and that you got some restful sleep. Wishing you a lovely peaceful and nurturing Saturday!

[has gone totally soft emoticon]

Just a thought.

You have been Reasonable, Accommodating, and Dignified. Because you put your child(ren) first.

But his interpretation of this is less positive, and serves to increase his sense of self-entitlement. For him, it seems you acquiesce to accommodate him, don't go 'off on one' because you are passive and can be dominated.

He hasn't been enlightened (yet).

Yes Purple, time to enlighten him then?!

Choco show him that you are not passive and accommodating and will not allow him to dominate you. Whatever that entails.

You have been reasonable and dignified because that is the kind of person you are. He doesn't understand or respond to this type of behaviour because he cannot comprehend why anyone would put someone else's feelings before their own.

hello all, I am feeling much better today thanks. Spent a lovely restful lunch with DS's godfather, being taken out for lunch and chilling on Cathedral Green in the city his train came into. We talked everything over and he gave me a really good reality check. He reminded me that I am dealing with someone pathologically, almost psychopathically selfish. And being reasonable then getting upset about his unreasonable response is a waste of my energy - he told me outright to address my expectations, and get over them. H isn't going to 'do' reasonable. He suggested (as all you wise women have been doing all along) that I go through agencies as much as possible and step back, back, back... far away in fact. I think the message is starting to get through.

I got a text from him asking me to let OW email me so that she can 'address my anxieties' about her and I can put her mind at ease... to 'open a dialogue' between us. I told him to stop texting me about our divorce and keep all suggestions to email/f2f. I am going to do everything via my solicitor now. I was hoping to avoid costs but I think I've reconciled one thing to myself at least, I will go after him for all costs. However I am prepared to spend my own money in the meantime to do what I feel is right, important and upholds my own values as well as the interests of my sons. You are so right that the only people I must be fair or nice to are me and my child(ren). I am going to make that my new mantra from now on!

I emailed my solicitor already outlining his position on things, and making it clear what mine will be. I think we're at the stage now where I will ask her to write a letter stating formally what I expect from proceedings and eff the costs incurred - I won't be messed around any more. As I put it to her, my desire to be amicable now is wearing very thin.

DS is in good spirits after a swim and charging around the garden with his GF and my DF which is just lovely to see :) I feel like picking him up and smothering him in kisses but I know it would only make him cross when he's helping do important things like water the plants! Thank god for my babies is all I can say. Out of the whole sorry mess I am so grateful and blessed to have them. I am more excited every day now to meet DS2 it's about time I got excited about him really! He's a lively one too. I don't remember feeling quite so alien-about-to-burst-forth with DS1 lol, but DS2 likes to make himself known!

Thanks for all your support again you lovely people. Believe me I am listening now and taking notes. I am going to get selfish on behalf of my family - me and my two boys, and no-one else.

Sorry but I spluttered at his request vie txt. He really is living in his own selfish bubble isn't he?
Your DSs godfather sounds lovely, and right on the money.
Have you figured out how to get them served yet? Does your STBX know they may get served in front of other public?

Oh and I love the sound of the size 10 jeans & stilletos.
Ones do highthey could be used as a lethal weapon? (am a bad person)

Ones so high*

haha :) I'm not going to worry about STBXH tonight any more. We have ice cream, lotto tickets and the last of a summer's evening. I'm just trying to settle DS so we can enjoy it all! I have an appt with my solicitor on Weds so everything is shelved now til then.

Although I must say I'm tempted to say yes, go ahead, email me. I'll not reply, but I'll print out whatever I get sent and include it in the divorce as evidence of their affair! Try contesting an adultery divorce then you muppets!!

Yeah totally ignore the fuckers. How very dare she!!!!!

Email evidence sounds like a plan

Wonderful summers evening, my son was born 28 years ago (eek) on 31 May and I remember weather like this and the smell of Lilacs. Have a lilac tree specially planted in the garden and it always brings back such strong memories. It was a difficult time for many reasons, but those memories have faded and all I remember is the sheer joy of him.
Of course now he's a big 6'4 grown man with a lovely partner and a life of his own, but he'll always be my boy :)
As will yours.

:) hugs to you both :)

Aww, your lovely boys!
[sniffle]
I feel the need to reveal, at risk of hijacking your thread, that I'm 10 weeks pg and therefore crying at everybloodything. I sobbed all through my last pregnancy and will probably sob all through this one, but I'm so glad you've had a nice day with your wee one, and I hope that they sort out his allergy medicine soon. And you, btw, are doing EVERYTHING right. I'm dead impressed :)

OMGee blackcurrants!!! I am so, SO happy for you! Another froggy little newborn!! YAY hijack away!! Hurrah for baby beans

Cheering you on, you are doing incredibly. It must feel so hard to step back and create much needed breathing space and distance when you want to fight for your boys by challenging H's distorted reality and history.

It's longterm verses shortterm - the truth will always be there and if H won't see it everyone else can and will.

Congratulations Blackcurrents, so pleased for you. My sons lovely partner/fiancée has confessed to twitching overies, so I may be a granny in the not too distant future.