nothing can drag you down when you're not holding on...

[chocoraisin]

Hello :)

I've decided that blog or no blog, I can't imagine not having all of you fabulous people to turn to in the next couple of months while I count down to baby arriving. So I've jumped ship from the old thread and decided to set up camp here.

would anyone like a ?

Just had a thought - what about the election register for tracking his address?

I know you probably won't like this but I'd say to him, unless you give me your address I'm not letting you take DS out of my house.

192.com or similar? Or get your friend to look it up. Is good to hear that the bedsit is mouldy

Could the papers be served at yours when he next picks up DS? You could take him for one of your little chats in the garden, where a server-person could be waiting!

I have decided to wait til I see him at handover, give him a pen and paper and say he has the following options. Give me his address now, which the court requires, and both his papers and OW's will be served to them where they live for them to deal with privately. (I am naming her in the adultery petition so she gets a copy).

Alternatively, I will serve hers to her parents address which thanks to 192 I have already. His can be served to him by a server person at his place of work, in front of his colleagues.

In the last case they can be served to them at university in front of all their classmates. He can choose.

Oh, and should he decide not to give me their address, I will have my lawyer persue him for the costs incurred by his obstruction of the process. As respondent in an adultery divorce he is already liable for the court fees etc (£340 for starters just to file) so if he feels strongly enough to shell out another £500 to keep their flat a mystery, that's his business. But at least he will be making an informed decision.

I will also ask him outright what exactly he is afraid I will do with the information, other than allow us all to move on with our lives? Given that I have her parents number and address, know where they both work and study, and have done precisely nothing to embarrass either of them in the past 5 months, I think his cageyness is utterly ridiculous. IF I had been inclined to post dog shit, I would have done so by now And I will be reminding him that he actually asked for this divorce before me. The reason he gave was wanting to be with her. Which is adultery. Their co-habitation is the fact that = adultery, therefore the reason for the divorce. I'm almost doing them a favour by filing, so could he please get the fuck off his high horse and get on with it?? TWATface.

Thanks for all the moral support and suggestions :)

Good for you Choco! You sound on top of things - he really is something else

Choco I'd wish I'd have been even half as awsome as you 15 years ago when o was sorting out my divorce. Bravo!

Fantastic Choco - you will wipe the floor with the pond dwellers as usual!

Oh brilliant, Choco - well done, that sounds like a great plan.

Good one choco.

You don't think he could be planning on serving papers to you (to avoid costs)? Hope not. He doesn't sound organised enough!

Fab plan as always Choco. Good luck with it

fucking hell. No address given. The reasons? His lawyer (apparently) said not to provide it until my lawyer has sent a letter confirming I won't pursue him for costs and his OW is afraid of me having it because she thinks I'll use it for malicious reasons

Um, yes I will be pursuing for costs. Why should it be the most expensive shag I never had??!! WTAF?? As for her being afraid of me - does he not think I'd have found a way to be malicious by now if I was going to be?? I am just, speechless.

Oh - and the priceless one. Why wasn't I getting legal aid anyway? And couldn't I just download the forms off the internet and save everyone the money? After all, it's in everyone's interests to keep this amicable

I feel sick.

I've never had so little respect for him as I do now.

As far as I am concerned, I think meeting the legal costs while I am being as fucking nice as I am is the least they can do by way of apology. Why should the newly single mother of two pick up the fucking bill??? And if she expects to be in my childrens lives then she can grow a fucking pair and appreciate that I have a right to know where my children's father lives.

She will always be the third adult in this relationship, because there are two parents here before her. The luxury of privacy is something she gave up when she decided to move in with my husband. When I pointed that out, it turns out that she's the only one on the lease and he's been living there since Feb. So actually, he's trying to hide his address again for selfish reasons. Oh, and the cherry on this cake, I should understand that concealing her address is 'the only thing she has control over in this situation' and that if I were ever in her position I would do/want the same

I will NEVER be in her position. Fucking fucking hell.

HATE

HATE

HATE

Now what do I do?? :( :( :(

Oh my god he gets worse and worse. What an utter cunt. Sorry I have never felt the need to use that word in RL or on here before but he has really earned it.

As for "now what do you do".... I'm so sorry I have no experience of how divorce works (touch wood) but I'm sure some of the other more experienced MNers will be along with their sound advice.

Is there no end to the selfishness of this pair of immature twats?

FWIW he is taking the advice of his lawyer who presumably is trying to minimise any impact on his client, so his advice will be very unlikely to take into account how reasonable you are and what utter arseholes they are. The fact that he doesn't see how totally out of order his lawyer's suggestion was is yet more evidence that you are well rid, but what to do next I have no idea. So sorry for you Choco . x

Ive been a lurker since you first posted and cant believe what you have been through.

It looks to me like you have no choice but to serve them both in public places.

Agree Lunar. The fact that OW is trying to keep control by hiding her address would be reason enough for me to have them served at Uni in front of their classmates.

I just can't get over the fact that he expected me to pay for divorcing him, and when I said I wasn't prepared to, he told me I was unreasonable for going to a lawyer who doesn't provide legal aid. Why should he get to tell me who I'm entitled to have advice from? And what on earth makes him think it's my responsibility to pay for his mistake?

And how, just - HOW - can he say that me paying the costs is in the 'interests of keeping things amicable'?

He treats me like something totally worthless and inconvenient again and again and again. I am the mother of his children, and always will be. I am not some tatty little thing he gets to shove in a drawer and ignore because his girlfriend would like me to. I actually, completely hate him today.

I know - to us normal people it's inconceivable that anyone could treat the woman carrying his child this way. I need to ask (I may have missed it if you posted it before) was DS2 planned by both of you together? Does he view this pregnancy as not chosen by him?

Surely whether you are pursuing for costs or not, you would still need his address to serve the papers?? The man arsewipe is living in cloud cuckoo land!
And why do these things always happen on a Friday - when you can't get a solicitor to do anything, and you have the whole weekend to get wound up over them!

It transpires that despite living there since Feb, OW is the only one on the tenancy and he doesn't want her to get in trouble with her landlord. As if that's my problem.

We discussed having a second child in July. I was even posting on the TTC boards then. Things cooled off (or should I say he did) late summer, but when DS2 was conceived he knew I was not on contraception and did nothing to avoid the pregnancy - other than suggesting I 'make my own moral decision' in the morning re: MAP (which fucking hurt, he never actually said he wanted to stop TTC so in my mind, DS2 is planned - in his, he clearly changed his mind but omitted to tell me) and telling me he 'never would have done it if he'd been properly awake and aware of who he was having sex with'

Un-fucking-believable.

To make it all the worst day ever, DS1 cried at handover, didn't want to go, and was quiet all the time he was out (according to H) then cried at home time and has been floating around crying 'more daddy' all evening now.

oh choco - this too miserable. Enraging and mortifying and awful - but just so, so sad. How much people can change from how we thought they were. How much people can let you down.

It's so unfair that this is happening to you. I hope your DS settles soon and you have a cosy bedtime.

Another example of rewriting history! My ex did similar. I got pregnant early in our relationship & had a TOP which was v traumatic & I said if I ever got pregnant again I would not terminate. A year later we were married & were using condoms which were a disaster. He said yes let's have a baby next year. I of course got pregnant straight away & refused to TOP. He told everyone I got pregnant without his consent & we split up. Even after the baby was born he did a DNA test & told his family I had slept around & used him as a "father" to get maintenance. Men such as them rewrite history so they don't have to face up to the truth. They are completely without a decent bone in their bodies.

Yes Choco hope DS settles tonight & you get a rest in this heat!

Fuck the pair of 'em - no more Mrs Nice guy.

Tell his Mother what he said and ask for his address, if she refuses, get a process server and get it over and done with.

Why does he expect you to pay? Because he's a COCKLODGER til the end! He may claim to be skint now, but he'll be working soon - get the CSA on his case now also.

He's a twat - assume he'll behave as one from now on

Hope you have a nice weekend with your Son - enjoy the sunshine

Yeah, I do think you should take this as an indicator that he's not going to 'try to do right' by you and your children. He's not going to do anything or contribute anything voluntarily - definitely get the CSA onto the case. You can't rely on this man for anything.

And yes to the cocklodger - now he's doing it to the OW! She must be mad, or blind, or both.

@Midwife... :( fucking arseholes.

I am completely redrawing my lines in the sand... I don't think he is even a fraction of the man I obviously hoped he was. I suggested that he contact the CSA himself today, as it was the fairest and most non-confrontational way to arrange maintenance. They won't take more than he should be contributing, and for the next 18 years or so I would prefer a third party collect on our behalf.

Whether he does so is up to him, but if he doesn't I will certainly do so - and I won't be feeling bad about it either.

Poor little DS has developed horrendous hayfever this week (not surprising given his asthma/eczema issues) and is now on daily Piriton but it's made him hyperactive, so for the second night in a row he's rocking in his cot, throwing himself against the bars and looks completely off his face. If I get him out he gets even worse so I'm just trying to soothe him quietly in his own room :( I'm exhausted, angry and 8 months pregnant. This all just feels so bloody unfair. Next week a new asthma nurse will be coming to visit me and DS and I'm glad, but also fed up that all the decisions about his meds and managing his reactions are down to me. H never sees him like this, and won't for a long time because I don't trust him for a second to deal with it sensitively. But it just all feels so exhausting and overwhelming today :(