Realisation that what has been going on is wrong

[YouOnlyLiveOnce]

I posted earlier on and totally messed up. I managed to post 3 nearly identical threads, some with too much information which I was going to edit out. This is my last time trying!

I have been married 7 years, we have DS (5). DH has a hash addition, he needs it to be 'normal', the lack of it makes him aggressive, nasty, critical and he generally tears me to pieces. When he smokes he's like a pussy cat, sweet and charming. THAT is the man I married; sweet, caring, he treated me so well. But now I can't cope with him anymore, my self confidence is rock bottom. He has threatened to smash my head in a few of times when I shout back at him, he has thrown things, kicked things and charged at me from across a room while shouting. When he calms down he gets upset that I looked frightened, apparently I should know that he would never hurt me.

He is very demanding sexually. He basically needs it everyday, but I can push it to 2 days without. After that he gets really nasty and accuses me of not looking after him. He now says that I have no right to complain when/if he sleeps with another woman because of me rejecting him. We still sleep together at least 5 times a week, but that's not enough. I am a people pleasing person, I have tried my best to make him happy, to be his ideal woman but I am exhausted now. I'm like a robot on autopilot, I don't really enjoy life. The only thing that keeps me going is DS (5). Ironically, if it wasn't for him I would have left DH a while ago. I don't want him to come from a broken home. I want to make this work. We have had such lovely times altogether, I am clinging on to those memories.

I have been reading here for a while and the realisation has just hit that he has been manipulating me. That he will turn any argument into a personal attack on my character and wear me down until I break down. Then he will forgive me and tell me that he will give it another go if only I change my behaviour. I have tried to make him realise that he has changed, that he needs to stop the hash. Sometimes he agrees and apologises for his outbursts but he still can't/won't stop. Now he says he needs it to get him through our marriage because I haven't lived up to what he thought a wife should be.

Reading this all back to myself, it seems obvious - leave. BUT what if I've blown this all out of proportion and I rip apart this little family without having tried hard enough? What if I have become the cold person he says I am and this is my fault? I've listed many bad examples, but he has good points too. DS adores him.

We had another argument last night, he said he didn't want to be with me due to my coldness, but he wasn't going to leave, just have his freedom. He doesn't want to leave space for another man to come in and bring up his child. I told him that there was no way I could live like that and we should just finish it. We were supposed to talk again tonight after he got home from work. I spoke to him during the day and he said he'd be home for dinner.... But no sign of him. Working late or has he finally gone through with his threat of sleeping with someone?! Or maybe he's trying to play with my mind again. I'm sick of this. I do still love him despite all this, I feel sorry for him, he's like a child in a man's body. I feel like there is a lot of pain inside him, he desperately needs to be loved. I can see him spiraling out of control and I need to help him but he won't listen.

I did get a few replies to my post(s) earlier before I had the thread deleted. Everyone said leave basically. I totally panicked, I thought that 'they don't really know what he's like when he's nice'. I felt guilty for DH that I had posted and suddenly felt really protective of him. It doesn't make sense. This is why I am confused.

Just to be clear, while DS has witnessed a few arguments, the really bad ones are when he is at school. I have tried to shield him as much as possible and will remove myself from any conflict with DH when DS is around. I don't want to screw him up.

This is horrendous.

You are in an abusive relationship and your son lives in an abusive home.

Please don't delude yourself that your son is cushioned from the effects of living with an abuser, because he's not.

I'd strongly advise giving Women's Aid a call and discuss your options.

Staying isn't one of them, if you value your own mental health and safety and that of your son's.

If you don't leave, your DS will more than likely end up like him - that's his role model.

Anyone can be nice some of the time.

The advice to leave still stands, OP.

These are your options:
Stay with him, be a downtrodden sexslave, walk on eggshells all the time forever. Your DS will think this is normal :(

Or break up, be your own master and rebuild your self-esteem. It will just be you and DS but you will never be frightened; you will be so much happier.

Reading this all back to myself, it seems obvious - leave. BUT what if I've blown this all out of proportion and I rip apart this little family without having tried hard enough? What if I have become the cold person he says I am and this is my fault? I've listed many bad examples, but he has good points too. DS adores him.

His good points are irrelevent. This is in no way your fault and you cannot continue to live like this or expose your DS to such a life.
He is abusive.
Call Women's Aid and get yourself out of there.

Please don't get me wrong, I am going to try to leave. I had so much stuff in my head planned out. We were supposed to talk tonight. I don't know where he is or what he's doing, it's just thrown me a bit that he hasn't come home.

Up until now I had been living with it and accepted what was going on (I don't know how). Now I feel a bit like I've been woken from a fog. I'm angry with myself and confused about my behavior. I'm emotionally tired and drained.

DS is the most important thing in the world to me. I'm not proud that I have stayed this long and feel incredibly guilty that this may have already affected him. I just thought that keeping us together was the right thing to do. I thought that I could fix things.

You can never 'fix' another person.

Your husband is a drug addict and because physiologically he needs drugs in order to function, this has led you to believe he 'needs' other things too. He doesn't need sex this frequently, but you write as though he will explode if he doesn't. Temperamentally, that is probably the case. He threatens you with infidelity (which has probably already happened anyway) if you don't comply. Of course he won't leave - he knows that staying while screwing around will stop you ever meeting someone else and you'll carry on looking after him and tending to his needs and self-absorption.

Stop fighting to stay in this relationship. You can never win. You and your son will forever be the losers.

Don't waste time talking to him. He will not change. I'd really advise you to get some sexual health screening and make sure you never have sex with him again. Make sure you exit is safely managed and get as much legal and safety advice as you can.

www.womensaid.org.uk If the national helpline is busy, use the search facility to locate your nearest branch and give them a call during usual office hourse.

I'll repeat what I said on your other thread.

Look at your user name. Think about it. Is this how you want to live your one life? With this person?

Set your standards higher. From what you have described, he is about as low as they come.

Keep talking to people on here. They will help you find the strength to get that life you deserve.

Your child is already living in a broken home. Please get RL help and get out.

You and your child deserve so much better than this. Think about what you want from life.

I understand why you think of the times when he has been nice and the good times you have had together. After all there are obviously nice things about him that attracted you to him in the first place. And I understand why you don't want to split up your family for the sake of your DC.

But this really doesn't sound either a happy relationship or a great environment for your DC. Your DH is obviously addicted to weed. He regularly pressurises and emotionally blackmails you into having sex. He shouts at you, throws and kicks things and frightens you. He threatens to sleep with other women. He manipulates you.

You may be right, he may be a frightened boy underneath who just wants to be loved. But this doesn't mean that you have to stay and put up with his behaviour. IME some of the most difficult people - alcoholics and people who are violent for example - can have had terrible childhods and real issues - but would this mean you should put up with an alcoholic or someone who beats you up?

I also don't believe you can change or fix anyone. I know it is difficult, but I think you are right, you need to leave this relationship. Please get advice from somewhere like women's aid about how to do this safely.
Good luck and thinking of you.

You say that most rows happen when your DS is at school; does your husband work shifts? Or his his addiction and behaviour so intollerable to others that he doesn't work?

Let's help you with something practical; do you rent or own? Whose name is the house/tenancy in?

Ring CAB and/or Women's Aid, they will help

You're not cold and you are not blowing anything out of proportion.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

I rarely post on relationship topics because I get a little tired of how easy it is for some women on MN to say 'leave him' in situations where I think there may be hope for the marriage, and more importantly, I think the OP wants there to be hope. There are so many areas of grey in relationships where children are involved, and it is very easy to say 'leave' but very hard to do. And sometimes people do need to be forgiven for their mistakes and they do deserve to be given a chance to prove they can change - especially if they have acted out of character, or there have been mitigating circumstances.

However, this one is easy for me. You need to make him leave, or you need to leave. The sooner the better. This man is ca ompletely self-absorbed wanker and obsessed with his own selfish 'needs'. He is treating you very, very poorly indeed. I do not think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt for a day longer. If he really wants to change (which I doubt) then he can spent some time getting treatment for his sex and drug addiction and his poor anger management and emotionally abusive ways while he is separated from you. Though somehow I doubt he will bother.

I also think you or he should leave. For now anyway, it doesn't have to be the end. It might be the kick he needs to get some help and sort his life out. If he does, you can go back to a better life for both of you. If not, or if you find after the initial hell of it all that you feel stronger and happier out of the relationship, then you can move on. You can't do nothing, because nothing's going to change itself, and you need to safeguard your own mental health.

Your H's inner life is CHAOS. Which inner void he tries to numb and fill with drugs, and sex, and blaming you (instead of looking at himself).

That is not your fault. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you really, really, cannot cure it.

You are completely abused. Please look in the mirror and say it to yourself, out loud. The hardest thing for us women is to stop the self-blame and denial and ACCEPT our reality. That is really hard, to ACCEPT that 1. they really are like this, they really don't care about us, they really are only concerned with their selfish selves, they really AREN'T able to love the way we wish them to, and 2. we CANNOT control it in any way shape or form.

Do you have any money? There is one book you need to read: Lundy Bancroft, Should I stay or should I go?

He is a man who pulls no punches about abusive men. He says:

Abusive men, from shouting to mind games to dangerous beating, are very similar. It has nothing to do with their childhoods, their difficulties drugs alcohol or any other excuses.

It has to do with the way they think. Until they are challenged on the way they think (I am entitled, women are my property, she is supposed to care about my emotional needs no matter what, I make the rules etc etc), and until they are prepared to change the way they think, they will ALWAYS be abusive.

(An example: a man in abuse sessions said, 'I have realised that I am the way I am because of my mother. So when I punched my wife, I was actually lashing out at my mother!' [A therapist would explore this].
Abuse counsellor, unimpressed: No, you weren't, you were beating your wife)

He says: even with intervention, even being on this good course, abusive men change only rarely. If you want any more info from this book, say so.

Please ring Womens Aid and get help in exiting this abusive relationship ASAP

You owe it to your children, if you can't see it for yourself

You are not married to a man, you are married to cannabis. The good times are what he does to keep you sweet, the aggression and manipulation are the real person.

Leaving is not going to be easy, you have been brainwashed to accept his demands and to accede to his every whim. Get some support in real life - GP, women's aid, family, friends. He has done this, he's the one who should be ashamed and embarrassed.

I feel sorry for him, he's like a child in a man's body. I feel like there is a lot of pain inside him, he desperately needs to be loved

That is usually the problem. We stay because we feel sorry for them, believe that there is actually goo inside and we can fix it.

You may be right on all accounts but he needs tough love, if anything.

You cannot fix him, first because he doesn't want to and then because you are in a weak position in relation to you. He clearly doesn't respect you. And you bending over and giving unconditional love are letting him walk all over you.

I stand by what I replied before. You need to leave him and tell him that he must fix himself (rehab or whatever it takes) for you to possibly take him back. Give him a deadline and clear goals.

Your child should not live within such a relationship nor with a drug addict. He is only 5 now. Do you want to wait until he is older and your OH starts lashing out on him?

All the time you enable him to continue being a complete tosser, he WILL continue to be a complete tosser. There is no incentive whatsoever for him to change his life.

Your best chance of getting back the person you knew is to stop tolerating what he has become. And you can only do that by throwing him out. You owe it to yourself and your son, and it's the biggest favour you can do him, too.

If your leaving doesn't shock him into action then you can thank your lucky stars that you only wasted a few years on him rather than the best part of your life.

Seriously, what's to lose?

Good inside

Although goo is more likely.

Purple - The good times may actually be real. But i still think the OP needs to leave because there are clearly so many things wrong here.

Sorry OP this sounds like a nightmare!

Bad behaviour cannot be undone by nice behaviour.

Also, sorry but it doesn t sound as if he loves you or even cares for you.

I am so sorry.

I hope you have a job, some money, friends and famliy to help you get out of this situation.

Did he come home OP?

He wanted you to feel confused and worried about his whereabouts by the looks if it. A kind of 'she'll see what she's got when she thinks it's gone' type off game. If he was serious about getting past his addiction and being a decent husband he should have been trying by now. Maybe he won't. Maybe he will. But you are not responsible for this. At the moment, he is still firmly blaming you and this will not change all the time you are by his side.

You've been having a truely horrendous time and I know the prospect of leaving seems scary and impossible but you can do it. You need to really for the sake of your DS.

Aside from the fact that your DS will be picking up on the tension and sadness in your house, is a drug addict really the type of father you want setting him examples?

It seems hard, the thought of leaving, but no harder then living like this for the rest of your life.

You aren't alone. When you think you'll wobble, people here will hold you strong.

Take care and please remember, you really do only have one life; don't waste it with this loser.

The only thing that keeps me going is DS (5). Ironically, if it wasn't for him I would have left DH a while ago. I don't want him to come from a broken home.

DS is already living in a broken home.

You've obviously had a lot of advice so I won't go on, but if you feel you can't end the relationship, tell him he is moving out now, and you can then build yourself up without him in the house pressuring you. Lie if you need to - but get him out of the house as soon as possible.

This is about you letting go of him, not him letting go of you. Try to remember that he will survive, he will be OK. Picture him with a new relationship with someone else, possibly even a happy man, this will deal with the part of you that is a 'people pleaser'. In the meantime you can rebuild your own life and get your self-esteem back without pressure from him.

Good luck.