Realisation that what has been going on is wrong

[YouOnlyLiveOnce]

I posted earlier on and totally messed up. I managed to post 3 nearly identical threads, some with too much information which I was going to edit out. This is my last time trying!

I have been married 7 years, we have DS (5). DH has a hash addition, he needs it to be 'normal', the lack of it makes him aggressive, nasty, critical and he generally tears me to pieces. When he smokes he's like a pussy cat, sweet and charming. THAT is the man I married; sweet, caring, he treated me so well. But now I can't cope with him anymore, my self confidence is rock bottom. He has threatened to smash my head in a few of times when I shout back at him, he has thrown things, kicked things and charged at me from across a room while shouting. When he calms down he gets upset that I looked frightened, apparently I should know that he would never hurt me.

He is very demanding sexually. He basically needs it everyday, but I can push it to 2 days without. After that he gets really nasty and accuses me of not looking after him. He now says that I have no right to complain when/if he sleeps with another woman because of me rejecting him. We still sleep together at least 5 times a week, but that's not enough. I am a people pleasing person, I have tried my best to make him happy, to be his ideal woman but I am exhausted now. I'm like a robot on autopilot, I don't really enjoy life. The only thing that keeps me going is DS (5). Ironically, if it wasn't for him I would have left DH a while ago. I don't want him to come from a broken home. I want to make this work. We have had such lovely times altogether, I am clinging on to those memories.

I have been reading here for a while and the realisation has just hit that he has been manipulating me. That he will turn any argument into a personal attack on my character and wear me down until I break down. Then he will forgive me and tell me that he will give it another go if only I change my behaviour. I have tried to make him realise that he has changed, that he needs to stop the hash. Sometimes he agrees and apologises for his outbursts but he still can't/won't stop. Now he says he needs it to get him through our marriage because I haven't lived up to what he thought a wife should be.

Reading this all back to myself, it seems obvious - leave. BUT what if I've blown this all out of proportion and I rip apart this little family without having tried hard enough? What if I have become the cold person he says I am and this is my fault? I've listed many bad examples, but he has good points too. DS adores him.

We had another argument last night, he said he didn't want to be with me due to my coldness, but he wasn't going to leave, just have his freedom. He doesn't want to leave space for another man to come in and bring up his child. I told him that there was no way I could live like that and we should just finish it. We were supposed to talk again tonight after he got home from work. I spoke to him during the day and he said he'd be home for dinner.... But no sign of him. Working late or has he finally gone through with his threat of sleeping with someone?! Or maybe he's trying to play with my mind again. I'm sick of this. I do still love him despite all this, I feel sorry for him, he's like a child in a man's body. I feel like there is a lot of pain inside him, he desperately needs to be loved. I can see him spiraling out of control and I need to help him but he won't listen.

I did get a few replies to my post(s) earlier before I had the thread deleted. Everyone said leave basically. I totally panicked, I thought that 'they don't really know what he's like when he's nice'. I felt guilty for DH that I had posted and suddenly felt really protective of him. It doesn't make sense. This is why I am confused.

Just to be clear, while DS has witnessed a few arguments, the really bad ones are when he is at school. I have tried to shield him as much as possible and will remove myself from any conflict with DH when DS is around. I don't want to screw him up.

Annie - yes some men from other cultures do act like this, but for lots of these if they run off with the child there is hope that the child will be returned.

The problem of all inter-cultural relationships is there can be layers and layers of misunderstanding. In a romantic/sexual relationship this can be even worse.

Yes, you hear awful stories about children being taken to the ME and never seen again by their mothers.

Do as much as you can to make sure your son cannot be removed from the country, once he is out he is lost.

I think OP has had ds's passport hidden away for some time before this started - just to put your minds at rest.

But shocking that there is nothing the British Government can do if a child is abducted to the ME - is it possible to get a ruling to prevent this - like a non-molestation order?

OP you might want to look at this for ideas of what can be done legally - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1438779-Mixed-culture-relationship-problems

What can be done is alert the police and ask them what else needs to be done. A non-molestation order would probably be a good idea and there are very credible witnesses to what went on here. The incident with the DS was a form of DV on top of potential kidnapping.

"If you have experienced domestic violence, it is possible to apply for an injunction called a non-molestation order under civil Law. You can apply for an Injunction in the Magistrates Court or the County Court under part four of the Family Law Act (1996).

A Non Molestation Order is a court order to prevent your current or former partner, or other family member, from using or threatening violence against you or your children. It can also prevent your partner from intimidating, harassing or pestering you. A Non Molestation Order is usually granted for a fixed period of something like six months, but can sometimes be granted for an indefinite period.

If you are in immediate danger, an application can be made to the court on the same day without your abuser being present. This is called a ?without notice? or ex parte application. The court will need to consider whether or not you are at risk of significant harm. If the court grants an ex parte order, you will have to return to court for a full hearing once your abuser has been served with notice.

As you need to apply to the courts in order to obtain an Injunction, it would be useful for you to get some legal advice. You could seek the advice of a solicitor or go through your local Citizens Advice Bureau.

For further help and information on injunctions, you could contact Rights of Women. Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering fee, confidential legal advice. They are available on 0207 251 6577 (2-4pm & 7-9 pm Tues, Wed & Thurs 12pm-12pm Fri). Rights of Women have also produced a domestic violence DIY Injunction handbook. This is an extensive, detailed and accessible handbook that enables women to obtain an injunction without a solicitor. The handbook costs £8. To download an order form visit the website www.rightsofwomen.org.uk.

The National centre for domestic violence is available on 0844 8044 999 (24/7). They also have a website at www.ncdv.org.uk. This is a specialist service for non molestation orders and legal advice

You could also ring The National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000247 to get some support and advise. This is a 24/7 service and free from most landlines. If you are unable to get through, leave your number and they will call you back."

From WA website.

Annie, i really don't think there has been racism. An acknowledgment that the cultural differences can result in problems like this, and concerns that the child could be taken you of the country and never seen again. I don't think mentioning those things is being racist!

Annie, that wasn't the point of any of the remarks about the ethnicity of this man. Nobody has made comparisons to allegedly saintly people who came over with the Danes.