Realisation that what has been going on is wrong

[YouOnlyLiveOnce]

I posted earlier on and totally messed up. I managed to post 3 nearly identical threads, some with too much information which I was going to edit out. This is my last time trying!

I have been married 7 years, we have DS (5). DH has a hash addition, he needs it to be 'normal', the lack of it makes him aggressive, nasty, critical and he generally tears me to pieces. When he smokes he's like a pussy cat, sweet and charming. THAT is the man I married; sweet, caring, he treated me so well. But now I can't cope with him anymore, my self confidence is rock bottom. He has threatened to smash my head in a few of times when I shout back at him, he has thrown things, kicked things and charged at me from across a room while shouting. When he calms down he gets upset that I looked frightened, apparently I should know that he would never hurt me.

He is very demanding sexually. He basically needs it everyday, but I can push it to 2 days without. After that he gets really nasty and accuses me of not looking after him. He now says that I have no right to complain when/if he sleeps with another woman because of me rejecting him. We still sleep together at least 5 times a week, but that's not enough. I am a people pleasing person, I have tried my best to make him happy, to be his ideal woman but I am exhausted now. I'm like a robot on autopilot, I don't really enjoy life. The only thing that keeps me going is DS (5). Ironically, if it wasn't for him I would have left DH a while ago. I don't want him to come from a broken home. I want to make this work. We have had such lovely times altogether, I am clinging on to those memories.

I have been reading here for a while and the realisation has just hit that he has been manipulating me. That he will turn any argument into a personal attack on my character and wear me down until I break down. Then he will forgive me and tell me that he will give it another go if only I change my behaviour. I have tried to make him realise that he has changed, that he needs to stop the hash. Sometimes he agrees and apologises for his outbursts but he still can't/won't stop. Now he says he needs it to get him through our marriage because I haven't lived up to what he thought a wife should be.

Reading this all back to myself, it seems obvious - leave. BUT what if I've blown this all out of proportion and I rip apart this little family without having tried hard enough? What if I have become the cold person he says I am and this is my fault? I've listed many bad examples, but he has good points too. DS adores him.

We had another argument last night, he said he didn't want to be with me due to my coldness, but he wasn't going to leave, just have his freedom. He doesn't want to leave space for another man to come in and bring up his child. I told him that there was no way I could live like that and we should just finish it. We were supposed to talk again tonight after he got home from work. I spoke to him during the day and he said he'd be home for dinner.... But no sign of him. Working late or has he finally gone through with his threat of sleeping with someone?! Or maybe he's trying to play with my mind again. I'm sick of this. I do still love him despite all this, I feel sorry for him, he's like a child in a man's body. I feel like there is a lot of pain inside him, he desperately needs to be loved. I can see him spiraling out of control and I need to help him but he won't listen.

I did get a few replies to my post(s) earlier before I had the thread deleted. Everyone said leave basically. I totally panicked, I thought that 'they don't really know what he's like when he's nice'. I felt guilty for DH that I had posted and suddenly felt really protective of him. It doesn't make sense. This is why I am confused.

Just to be clear, while DS has witnessed a few arguments, the really bad ones are when he is at school. I have tried to shield him as much as possible and will remove myself from any conflict with DH when DS is around. I don't want to screw him up.

Hilly- I think the OP said earlier (or on her other thread) that she has already hidden her son's ppt.

OP-please be careful. I think I'd be inclined to stay somewhere else tonight if you have family near.

This man is one of the worst.

This situation has never been in your control. It was always in his hands and you were never going to be able to affect how it turned out. Forget amicable -- it was never going to be that way with this man.

^^ this - he was never going to let you go that easily.

OP if you had posted earlier and said 'DH is furious, just grabbed ds and drove off with him, what should I do' we would have all said 'Call the police' because that was absolutely the best and right thing to do.

You did not screw up, you did the responsible thing. Your son's safety is paramount and you did what any caring parent would do.

I agree that it would be wise to alert police to that fact that he might attempt to abduct your child. He has threatened to do it and has shown that he can act irrationally without thought for the child's wellbeing.

I also agree that it would not be a good idea to be on your own with him. Is your mum able to stay for a bit, or can you go to hers?

I believe he drove off with your son to scare you, to show you that he could.

That backfired a bit didn't it!

I just read that you called the police and they said classic abuse.

Brilliant.

now you have grounds, along with a witness, to have him removed from your council tenancy. The council are beginning to take a pretty harsh stance against domestic violence amongst their tenants. Ring them first thing on Tuesday morning and see what you can do. Ring the police again now and tell them you are frightened and that you fear for your son's and your safety.

My ex was much the same - heavy dope smoker and mixed up with lots girls and other drugs. I always worried that, in spite or madness due to his irrational and vindictive behaviour, that he might take my DD back to his parents in Egypt just to 'show me'. I phoned the passport office and put a caveat on her passport, which meant that only I was able to apply for one for her. That remained in place, and was renewed each year, until I had a prohibitive steps order, which has made the caveat permanent.

You shocked him to his core when he came home and found the police there. Well done.

I think it has never occurred to this man that he has to obey the law -- forget the normal rules and conventions that everyone else observes. I suspect this man really feels the law is for other people.

You did not cross any line - he did that. Try to stop blaming yourself - the problem is him.

you have said it yourself, you know you are clinging on to the happy memories. the way you desribe how your partner demands sex is horrendous. as otehrs have said, your son will turn into this man if you don´t get rid. it is so hard to get over that first realisation and you will prob make exuses for him for ages becasue this is what controlling men have conditioned you to do. have you rung womens aid?they are brilliant and can give you great advice and help you find somewhere to stay if you need it. sending lots of love. be strong, you can do it! xxx

just notice about your inging the police. totoally the right thing. sounds like a very frightening situation. hope you are ok now xx

The advice to warn the police/airports/channel ports to watch out for attempted abduction is spot on.

He would not have done what he did with your DS if he hadn't been thinking about it, YouOnlyLiveOnce.

Well done for ringing the police, always remember that was the absolute right thing to do.

I just reread the op and it actually sounds even worse then the first time i read it! You can't change this man. You are not responsible.

How are you doing?

I just read this and I'm so glad you called the police and can now take steps to get this man away from you. Sorry, I know it hurts but you can't go on like this. You are doing really well.

Op- you did the right thing. You need to tell anyone who ever has DS, eg school etc that they are not allowed to release DS to DP and that there has been a threatened/attempted abduction and the police are involved. If you are scared then maybe you should go and present as homeless yourself.

Just wanted to check in and say that I have decided to stay at my parent's for a few days. I packed H's clothes before I left and he called later to ask if that was everything, so I know he's been back home. I don't know if he's still there or whether he found anywhere to stay. He sounded really timid/quiet on the phone, he must have just smoked, he sounded normal again.

I don't know what was going on in is his head to speak to police like that, they were both female and were visibly shocked. In a way I'm glad that he did, but who in their right mind tells the police to get out so that they can give their wife a day of hell?

Thank you for all your advice and support, I have read and re-read your posts several times today and you have really given me strength to leave. Thanks to those of you who have explained a lot of the psychology to me. I keep looking back over the relationship and I'm starting to see something very frightening going on that I hadn't noticed. I have a lot of soul searching to do and I have ordered both Lundy books to keep me entertained over Easter.

My family don't want me to be alone, in case he comes round and tries to convince me to come back. I will be strong, but I know I'm still vulnerable to his mental games. I think I just have to forget about the good times and remember the bad.

He is from the Middle East, I'd rather not go into too much detail.

What was going on in his head? The fact that they were both female should give you a clue -- he thinks of women as gum on the sole of his shoe and the fact that they are in a police uniform makes no difference. If he would treat policewomen with such obvious contempt, how do you think he really feels about you?

I am very glad that you will be with your family. I do believe you will need their protection as well as emotional support.

Watch out for hoovering. Hoovering is a charm offensive designed to get you back in line. It can involve all sorts pf ploys -- telling you he is sorry, that he will change, that he loves you and cares for you, that you are special, that he will give up smoking weed, drinking, do anything you say, get you a new kitchen, blah blah. It is all just words. Sometimes when the hoovering doesn't work initially the abuser will threaten suicide or disappear to make yo worry about him. Sometimes when you don't appear to be taking the bait e will abandon the charm and get angry. It is all games. Don't fall for it. The Lundy Bancroft books are really good.

What is it you've started to see?

If saying something like that to the police comes easily to him i can only imagine what other things come easily. He gave you a true glimpse of himself there.

now you have grounds, along with a witness, to have him removed from your council tenancy. The council are beginning to take a pretty harsh stance against domestic violence amongst their tenants. Ring them first thing on Tuesday morning and see what you can do. Ring the police again now and tell them you are frightened and that you fear for your son's and your safety.

REALLY GOOD ADVICE DO THIS

He's from the ME. That women are property and belong to men and exist for men's needs is built into his culture. This is bigger than you, girl, and you need to let go, give up ALL HOPE of loving him better, and rebuild your life. You are so young, you have a chance of a new job, peace, happiness, friendships and maybe later a new relationship.

This is very hard to do. I am not up against a different culture, but my H is a narcissist and I have finally given up all efforts to reach him and accept that he is simply unable to 'see' me/what he needs to do, and that blaming me (for the situation he made) is his reality.

It has taken over 2 years so I know how hard it is for the hope (that you can reach him, he can see) to die. But emotionally that is your main task and it is a hard one, to let go and give up on him.

Be brave, contact WA and use the resources they give you.

I always work on this basis and it may sound harsh but to help someone, they need to want to be helped.

Ie you cant help someone who doesnt realise they have a problem. A relationship never works if you want each other to change. It is an abusive relationship but i dont really think you need me to tell you that. I am not saying this isnt going to be painful. I know, i was there, but when it started affecting my son, i LEFT! With a confidence boost from my best friend and a few others i got away from it all. I now only ust have my own place privately rented, with everything going on track. For the first time in a long time, life feels good, and therefore i know i cant go back. I cried for the first couple of weeke pretty much every night, but then things started to get better, i know he will be better off without me, neither of us was happy. Life is so tough sometimes, and i know right now its hurting. You are bound to feel protective of this man, you have been together for a long period of time, and you do still love him, unfortunately love isnt a feeling you can just turn off, life would be so much more simpler if it was though.

It gets easier, i promise, but for now its going to be hard, try to fill your life with good friends, laughter, living to the full, gettinjg out, doing things you never used to before, for me that was as simple as doing my hair and putting some make up on, go buy yourself a nice bubbly bath, or a bar of chocolate just a pick me up in general!

he must have just smoked, he sounded normal again

OP that is not him being normal, that is him medicated up to the eyeballs.

The 'normal' him is the agressive, abusive, controlling, entitled man who has been taking advantage of a vulnerable woman, and thinks nothing of mistreating a defenceless child to get his own way.

Stay strong, stay safe x

If he ever succeeds in taking your DS to the ME you will never see the child again.

The reality of ME law is that he has rights because he is a man and you have none because you are a woman. And there would be absolutely nothing the British government could do for you.

now how did I know he would be from the middle East..........

Obviously I cannot speak for all of them, but without exception EVERY middle eastern man I have known (and having been married to an Egyptian I knew quite a few) who was married to a British girl had the same expectations, more or less, of his wife as your H.
Its not necessarily a culture thing, as I am sure as hell, with the wifes family behind him and her likely to remove herself home if he behaved this way, he would never treat a middle eastern wife this way. Mysogynistic and entitled, yes, but she would know how to play the game too, and there would be the wider community and reputation to deal with too. But an isolated Western girl?? If he is the type to be a playboy and smoke alot of hash?? Its an absolute nightmare waiting to happen.

He ISNT my ex, is he???

OP this post felt so close to home I HAD to respond. My Exh was similar to what you describe (particularly the addiction and manipulation element). I eventually left to protect my DS when he was 4 years old. My DS (now 11) had his own relationship with his dad up until 2 years ago when he said he no longer wanted to see him. He had worked out all on his own (without a word from me - I assure you) how manipulative his dad was. Please don't underestimate how much kids pick up. Look after yourself and your child when making a decision about what to do.

I have just read the updates since I last was on this thread and I was shocked.

The way he took DS was designed to scare you.
And if he spoke to the police like that, it means that he is losing his inhibitions.

I hope you are still safe.

Enjoy the holidays and seek advice as soon as possible.

OP, I'm glad you're safe for now and have started the permanent break. Stay strong, stay safe, you'll be free soon.

at the casual racism on this thread. Because of course nice British men, or men from more Western countries never behave like this, do they?

Please read this very, very carefully:

*If he ever succeeds in taking your DS to the ME you will never see the child again.

The reality of ME law is that he has rights because he is a man and you have none because you are a woman. And there would be absolutely nothing the British government could do for you.*

Then read it again. This is the truth. You MUST take your DS passport away. You MUST lodge as per Nettletea's advice:

*now you have grounds, along with a witness, to have him removed from your council tenancy. The council are beginning to take a pretty harsh stance against domestic violence amongst their tenants. Ring them first thing on Tuesday morning and see what you can do. Ring the police again now and tell them you are frightened and that you fear for your son's and your safety.

My ex was much the same - heavy dope smoker and mixed up with lots girls and other drugs. I always worried that, in spite or madness due to his irrational and vindictive behaviour, that he might take my DD back to his parents in Egypt just to 'show me'. I phoned the passport office and put a caveat on her passport, which meant that only I was able to apply for one for her. That remained in place, and was renewed each year, until I had a prohibitive steps order, which has made the caveat permanent.*