Realisation that what has been going on is wrong

[YouOnlyLiveOnce]

I posted earlier on and totally messed up. I managed to post 3 nearly identical threads, some with too much information which I was going to edit out. This is my last time trying!

I have been married 7 years, we have DS (5). DH has a hash addition, he needs it to be 'normal', the lack of it makes him aggressive, nasty, critical and he generally tears me to pieces. When he smokes he's like a pussy cat, sweet and charming. THAT is the man I married; sweet, caring, he treated me so well. But now I can't cope with him anymore, my self confidence is rock bottom. He has threatened to smash my head in a few of times when I shout back at him, he has thrown things, kicked things and charged at me from across a room while shouting. When he calms down he gets upset that I looked frightened, apparently I should know that he would never hurt me.

He is very demanding sexually. He basically needs it everyday, but I can push it to 2 days without. After that he gets really nasty and accuses me of not looking after him. He now says that I have no right to complain when/if he sleeps with another woman because of me rejecting him. We still sleep together at least 5 times a week, but that's not enough. I am a people pleasing person, I have tried my best to make him happy, to be his ideal woman but I am exhausted now. I'm like a robot on autopilot, I don't really enjoy life. The only thing that keeps me going is DS (5). Ironically, if it wasn't for him I would have left DH a while ago. I don't want him to come from a broken home. I want to make this work. We have had such lovely times altogether, I am clinging on to those memories.

I have been reading here for a while and the realisation has just hit that he has been manipulating me. That he will turn any argument into a personal attack on my character and wear me down until I break down. Then he will forgive me and tell me that he will give it another go if only I change my behaviour. I have tried to make him realise that he has changed, that he needs to stop the hash. Sometimes he agrees and apologises for his outbursts but he still can't/won't stop. Now he says he needs it to get him through our marriage because I haven't lived up to what he thought a wife should be.

Reading this all back to myself, it seems obvious - leave. BUT what if I've blown this all out of proportion and I rip apart this little family without having tried hard enough? What if I have become the cold person he says I am and this is my fault? I've listed many bad examples, but he has good points too. DS adores him.

We had another argument last night, he said he didn't want to be with me due to my coldness, but he wasn't going to leave, just have his freedom. He doesn't want to leave space for another man to come in and bring up his child. I told him that there was no way I could live like that and we should just finish it. We were supposed to talk again tonight after he got home from work. I spoke to him during the day and he said he'd be home for dinner.... But no sign of him. Working late or has he finally gone through with his threat of sleeping with someone?! Or maybe he's trying to play with my mind again. I'm sick of this. I do still love him despite all this, I feel sorry for him, he's like a child in a man's body. I feel like there is a lot of pain inside him, he desperately needs to be loved. I can see him spiraling out of control and I need to help him but he won't listen.

I did get a few replies to my post(s) earlier before I had the thread deleted. Everyone said leave basically. I totally panicked, I thought that 'they don't really know what he's like when he's nice'. I felt guilty for DH that I had posted and suddenly felt really protective of him. It doesn't make sense. This is why I am confused.

Just to be clear, while DS has witnessed a few arguments, the really bad ones are when he is at school. I have tried to shield him as much as possible and will remove myself from any conflict with DH when DS is around. I don't want to screw him up.

What you are doing is right. Get him to go and apply as homeless.

And i would imagine that he isn't the husband that of dream of either. Do you dream of a husband who doesn't make you feel as though you HAVE to service his sexual needs! Do you dream of a husband who waits for you to be in the mood as well?

Sorry if I've missed this but does he masturbate? He should do. I can't help but feel you are being used as a wank tool.

Did you discuss what YOU want as well? All sounds a bit one sided.

I've had issues with mis matched sex drive as well. Its rubbish.

I just want to pop in here and say I was in a very, very similar relationship, in fact reading this I was wondering if my ex was your current.

I was with him 15 years before I finally realised what was going in and left. It was hard but it was the right thing to do.

You are absolutely not in the wrong here.

No-one has the right to have sex on demand
No-one has the right to abuse another
No-one has the right to blame another for their own issues

"I did get a few replies to my post(s) earlier before I had the thread deleted. Everyone said leave basically. I totally panicked, I thought that 'they don't really know what he's like when he's nice'. I felt guilty for DH that I had posted and suddenly felt really protective of him. It doesn't make sense. This is why I am confused."

The being nice part is part of the manipulation - being sorry is too. Does he plead with you notto abandon him?

You don't have to live like this and he's not your responsibility.

Being nice is not something you off-set against the nastiness - and he does sound really nasty.

Good luck OP

Even my abusive ex who punched me in the head amongst other things was nice sometimes.

as he feels all these disappointments he realises how unhappy he is but is too scared to leave me so he continues to smoke to dull the pain and carry on.

Notice how it is all your fault? YOU reject him, not he has outrageous demands. YOU make him unhappy, so he HAS to smoke.

Please see this.

Someone who 'has trouble with authority' has problems not caused by you.

What country does he come from?

It's good that he has said he will move out. But he probably won't. He will be expecting it to all blow over and carry on as before. Remember you have already had this discussion and he said he didn't want to leave, just to have his 'freedom'.

What makes you think it will be different this time?

I totally screwed up. We had a chat this morning, apparently he thought it would blow over through the night. When I told him it still stands, he got really angry. He told DS he was going back to his home country and would see DS during summer holidays only. Then he got up to leave, to go to work, I was supposed to pack the bags and he'd get them in 2 hours. Next thing I know he grabbed DS, got in the car and left. I didn't have a car to follow.

I totally panicked, tried to call him a few times - no answer, my mum - no answer, tried Women's Aid - long queue. Then I called the police. He walked in with DS as I was mid way on the phone to them. He totally exploded when he found out who I'd called. He asked how could I do that, he was only taking DS out for a bit. He'd only been gone 5-10 mins. I totally overreacted.

Next thing I know the police were at the door and had stopped DH driving away to work. He gave them such a terrible attitude, was very rude. He told them to get out of the house, he was not going anywhere, was going to give me a 'day of hell'. They refused to leave. He walked out on them and drove off. I'm still here. The police said that this looked like classic domestic abuse, the way he spoke to me, the way I acted. They have gone now. I'm devastated, totally going to pieces. My mum is on the way to me.

He's genuinely hurt that I called them, but I didn't know where he was taking him.

I didn't want it to get like this, I was trying to split us amicably. Now I've crossed the line and turned it nasty, no way back from here even if I was stupid enough to try.

Stop.

You didn't cross the line. He did.

You didn't turn nasty. He did.

He's not 'genuinely hurt'. He is furious that you've found him out and involved objective police professionals who have validated what we have been telling you on this thread.

Get the hell out of this relationship and keep a close eye on your son. This man is a danger to both of you.

You did not screw up. HE did.

He knew what he was doing to you. As the police said 'it classic abuse'.

Please make sure you are gone by the time he get home from work for you and your DS safety.

OP I was lurking but couldn't leave you without sending some support in your direction, until others with better advice could post.

But listen, if the police think it looked like abuse, then it is. I hope your Mum will provide the emotional support you are going to need. Your DS is indeed witnessing everything you want to shelter him from. This was never going to be an amicable split - your DH is too manipulative and drug dependent. Keep trying with the Women's Aid, read back some of the earlier good advice posted here, and make plans for a safe and happy future for you and your DS. Could you stay with your Mum for a few days, to give yourselves a break?

Good luck, OP, and don't despair. There's a better future for you and you can make it happen. This man is not a life partner for you.

You did the right thing in calling the police. I can understand your panic and fear when you didn't know where your H was taking your boy. It's on the police records now which will help if any aggression takes place in future.

You have not 'turned it nasty' your abusive husband has done that, all on his own. Glad your mum is coming to be with you.

You did not screw up. Calling the police was the exact right thing to do in that situation.

Heed their advice.

He tells you you have hurt his feelings a lot, doesn't he? You, being a kind and loving person, are guaranteed to feel bad about that because you care. So you change your behaviour and he gets his own way.

He is NOT hurt. He is angry that you, his possession and who was put on this earth for his complete benefit, have had the flaming CHEEK to not behave the way you are supposed to behave, and you have called him on his behaviour - with authorities who support YOU!

"The police said that this looked like classic domestic abuse, the way he spoke to me, the way I acted. "

So listen to them. They know what they are talking about. You are an abused woman Take this on board.

Change the locks. Seriously.

YouOnlyLiveOnce, you did nothing wrong!!!
He had threatned to take ds away in the past. He got angry when you said you want some space and took your ds away wo telling you where he wasa going to go/what he was going to do.
So you got worried and called the police.
What you did was the ONLY thing that you had to do. You've reached to some help and got it.
The people who came thought it was a very legitimate call (otherwise they would NOT have talked about domestic abuse).

The way he reacted to them is perhaps a blessing in disguise because now you have some people external to your family/couple who can say 'yes he is not behaving approriately'.

I also think that he is not hurt. He is scared that he might have finally being seen for who he really is. He is angry that you are standing up to him.

Be careful the man who has never being physically abusive might turned to be now that he has shown who he really is.
You should not be on your own with him. Go to your mum, change the locks if you can but you need to protect yourself and your ds.

have you been able to talk to Women Aid?

Regarding your sex life? Lundy Bancroft:

The abuser's orientations towards sex is likely to be self-involved. Sex to him is primarily about meeting HIS needs.... An abusive man commonly rolls all of his emotional needs into one tremendous bundle, which he expects sex to be able to carry. He tends to have little real heart-to-heart connection with his partner, since a man cannot be truly close to a woman he is abusing....
My clients commonly believe that a woman gives up her right to decline sex once she becomes seriously involved with a man. It's her responsibility to have sex with him to make him feel loved, to meet his sexual needs, or simply because that's her job... A majority of my clients seem to believe that the woman loses her right to refuse him if the man determines that is has been 'too long' sence they have had sex... her decision not to have sex may be respected up to the moment (he decides), but then his entitlement tends to take over... He sees sexual rights to a woman as akin to mineral rights to land - and he owns them...
[Once an abusive man has sex with a woman] he feels that he owns her, or at least owns a piece of her...
An abuser ... has to distance himself from his partner's thoughts and feelings in order to avoid guilty feelings about how he is using and wounding her sexually... seeing his partner has a sex object, as if she was a pornographic photo rather than a person, devoid of emotions or ambitions, free of any need for personal integrity or safety. This style of abusive man looks at his partner as a machine to be used for his sexual use.

Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that?

What country is he from?

OP, you're moving in the right direction. Stay strong, soon you'll be free and get your life back. Don't doubt yourself or your motives. You are doing the right thing for you, and for your DS.

Can I just ask why the OP's H's nationality is relevant, to those who are asking?

'The police said that this looked like classic domestic abuse, the way he spoke to me, the way I acted. They have gone now. I'm devastated, totally going to pieces. My mum is on the way to me.

He's genuinely hurt that I called them, but I didn't know where he was taking him.

I didn't want it to get like this, I was trying to split us amicably. Now I've crossed the line and turned it nasty, no way back from here even if I was stupid enough to try.'

You have not screwed up at all. This is the best possible thing that could have happened. You deserve congratulations for doing absolutely the right thing. You should have done it long ago.

He is not one bit hurt. He is angry, and you saw the problem he has with authority -- he came face to face with authority right there in his own home, where he has got used to behaving as if he was the master of all he surveyed. There is no hurt. There is only the anger of a man who thinks he is some sort of domestic god who thinks he can do what he wants with his family members.

You thought you had control over the situation and you are now despairing because you think it is only at this point that it has got out of your hands. This situation has never been on your control. It was always in his hands and you were never going to be able to affect how it turned out. Forget amicable -- it was never going to be that way with this man.

The reality is that he could easily have taken your DS anywhere. He sees the DS as his property. The reality is that he will find somewhere for himself to sleep in about 15 minutes after you tell him to leave.

Your mum or a friend needs to stay with you and you must call the police if he comes back. You need to get in the queue for Women's Aid, or leave a message. Call the police station and ask how to get a non-molestation order. Your H is a very dangerous man. You need to protect yourself and your DS now. This should be your only thought.

Forget about hurt. Forget about amicable. You are up against a man who wants only his own way. He is not a friend to you and you must stop being a friend to him. He is The Enemy who would not have stopped what he was doing to you until he had destroyed you (and destroyed your DS too)..

OP, you can't be responsible for fixing everything that he feels/thinks, but you can be responsible for making the right decision for you and your son. Your H seems to think what he wants is far more important than anything you want.

He is trying to grind you down and frighten you and make you doubt your decision to call the police because then you will doubt everything else.

Don't let him tempt you back with any kind of sob story!

This has been nasty for a long time, OneLife.
You are not the one who made it so.

good luck onelife, GOOD LUCK

I can clearly read its in no way easy for you to get out of this relationship

he will make it hard
he wll twist things
he will make you feel guilt (x 100)
he will scare you
he will use your son against you
he will make you love him again, and doubt your decison

But hold onto yourself, as really you and your son deserve better than this

there is a good thread about what good relationships are like, read it!

I think you have crossed the line now

stay strong xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I can't add to all the wise words already posted here - you have been through one hell of a shock even though his behaviour is almost textbook predictable.

The police wouldn't leave you because they know that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the woman takes back her independence and the abuser loses control of her.

Please be safe OP.

You need to make sure you and your DS are protected.

You are doing the right thing. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

Listen there is a lot of good advice here. Can you contact the police again (on a non-emergency number) and ask them to put a warning out incase your H tries to leave the country with your son. He did threaten to, you didn't over react, you need to protect yourself for next time.
You did the correct thing!

Does you child have a passport? Make sure you give it to your mum to take home with her today please. Which country is it? Hague convention? I think you need to be very careful now that he is not left alone with your child until he has calmed down and you know you can trust him not to bolt. I'm sure he just did that to hurt/panic you but the stupid git has made it impossible for you to trust him now.