Realisation that what has been going on is wrong

[YouOnlyLiveOnce]

I posted earlier on and totally messed up. I managed to post 3 nearly identical threads, some with too much information which I was going to edit out. This is my last time trying!

I have been married 7 years, we have DS (5). DH has a hash addition, he needs it to be 'normal', the lack of it makes him aggressive, nasty, critical and he generally tears me to pieces. When he smokes he's like a pussy cat, sweet and charming. THAT is the man I married; sweet, caring, he treated me so well. But now I can't cope with him anymore, my self confidence is rock bottom. He has threatened to smash my head in a few of times when I shout back at him, he has thrown things, kicked things and charged at me from across a room while shouting. When he calms down he gets upset that I looked frightened, apparently I should know that he would never hurt me.

He is very demanding sexually. He basically needs it everyday, but I can push it to 2 days without. After that he gets really nasty and accuses me of not looking after him. He now says that I have no right to complain when/if he sleeps with another woman because of me rejecting him. We still sleep together at least 5 times a week, but that's not enough. I am a people pleasing person, I have tried my best to make him happy, to be his ideal woman but I am exhausted now. I'm like a robot on autopilot, I don't really enjoy life. The only thing that keeps me going is DS (5). Ironically, if it wasn't for him I would have left DH a while ago. I don't want him to come from a broken home. I want to make this work. We have had such lovely times altogether, I am clinging on to those memories.

I have been reading here for a while and the realisation has just hit that he has been manipulating me. That he will turn any argument into a personal attack on my character and wear me down until I break down. Then he will forgive me and tell me that he will give it another go if only I change my behaviour. I have tried to make him realise that he has changed, that he needs to stop the hash. Sometimes he agrees and apologises for his outbursts but he still can't/won't stop. Now he says he needs it to get him through our marriage because I haven't lived up to what he thought a wife should be.

Reading this all back to myself, it seems obvious - leave. BUT what if I've blown this all out of proportion and I rip apart this little family without having tried hard enough? What if I have become the cold person he says I am and this is my fault? I've listed many bad examples, but he has good points too. DS adores him.

We had another argument last night, he said he didn't want to be with me due to my coldness, but he wasn't going to leave, just have his freedom. He doesn't want to leave space for another man to come in and bring up his child. I told him that there was no way I could live like that and we should just finish it. We were supposed to talk again tonight after he got home from work. I spoke to him during the day and he said he'd be home for dinner.... But no sign of him. Working late or has he finally gone through with his threat of sleeping with someone?! Or maybe he's trying to play with my mind again. I'm sick of this. I do still love him despite all this, I feel sorry for him, he's like a child in a man's body. I feel like there is a lot of pain inside him, he desperately needs to be loved. I can see him spiraling out of control and I need to help him but he won't listen.

I did get a few replies to my post(s) earlier before I had the thread deleted. Everyone said leave basically. I totally panicked, I thought that 'they don't really know what he's like when he's nice'. I felt guilty for DH that I had posted and suddenly felt really protective of him. It doesn't make sense. This is why I am confused.

Just to be clear, while DS has witnessed a few arguments, the really bad ones are when he is at school. I have tried to shield him as much as possible and will remove myself from any conflict with DH when DS is around. I don't want to screw him up.

I am not sure what you are actually hoping to achieve with this thread. You say you love him and want to be with him. I dont believe for a minute that you actually want to leave. I think you are telling us what you think we want to hear. I have the impression you are looking for coping strategies and ways to "help him" You say you need to help him.

Your child lives in a home with violence, and abuse, and drug abuse. I dont see how this is not worse than a "broken home"?

A broken home is nothing more than a home where mum has been strong enough to put her child before her husband, make a rational decision to the best of her child, and leave. This is a broken home.

Yours is a lot more broken than this, actually. And you cant fix it. You cant fix him. Not as long as you stay together and modify your behaviour to do exactly like he wants.

"I feel sorry for him, he's like a child in a man's body"

That's how you have been manipulated. Don't feel bad that it's taken you some time to realise what has been going on. He's spent several years brainwashing you into believing his way of thinking. Abusers will deliberately choose people who are naturally sympathetic and caring because, if you were neither, you'd have walked away long ago. He has very serious problems but they are not a child's problems and the only person who could have ever addressed his addiction and behavioural problems is himself. Glad you've realised that for your own and your child's sake. Good luck

Your poor son. What a dreadful role model as a father.

You say he "adores" him. We hear that so much with abusive men - the children adore them. Take a look at the stately homes threads and read how the children of abusive parents really truly felt about growing up and the atmosphere in their house. The difficulties they face in their own relationships and lives now.

Your son knows something is not right, possibly that something awful is happening to you - please be aware of this. Children instinctively know how to behave with a parent who is domineering and abusive in the home, it's a survival technique for them. I imagine your h is not there for many of the difficult times with your ds.

I speak from experience, you need to end this. Now before it's too late.

BAD BEHAVIOUR CANNOT BE UNDONE BY NICE BEHAVIOUR.

Says it all, Chandon!

Reading this is very upsetting, so I can't imagine how it is for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can't help this person. Only he can do that. I hope you're able to leave him soon before does any more damage to you or your son.

Thank you all for taking the time out to reply. He didn't come home last night and I barely slept. He can't love me if he is putting me through this. I can see that I need to leave him for my and DS sake. Your messages are really helping me to accept that. It's difficult to think I might be an abused wife, I never thought it could happen to me. And I don't understand why I didn't see it before. Thank you to those that understand.

We live in a rented house from the council, the tenancy is in both our names. We (I) had to fight really hard to get this place. DH is self employed, he is unable to have paid employment as he can't deal with authority. We work together during the day hence the daytime arguments. I don't have an income separate from him, our lives are entangled in so many ways. I have quite serious health problems, so I will never work full time and I may get to the point I can't work at all.

I was thinking of moving in with my parents, but then I'm not sure how to get the house back from him. My parents have an idea what is going on, as does my brother. They can see he has bad moods and criticizes me a lot, they all want me to leave him. They don't know the full extent especially the intimate details.

DH has threatened once to take DS away, back to his home country. I don't think it was a serious threat. His family are lovely and I get on with them very well. They know he is an angry person, they all have seen that ugly side and been on the receiving end at some point. I think they would be disgusted if he did that. But I guess you never know. I need to get some advice before I rock the boat too much. I will try to call Women's Aid later. I'm feeling really sick inside.

Where is his home country?

Let your family support you, and get an appointment with the CAB to find out what you're entitled to.

Good luck!

Does DS have a passport?

If so, hand it over to your parents for safe keeping. If not, hand over his birth certificate instead.

I would try and get through to woman's aid for information on the house as I'm not sure how that would work.

He wants you worried. He wants you to fall at his feet crying that you missed him, you need him, you were frightened without him. He does not love you. He loves that he has someone to have sex with whenever he fancies it and someone to carry all the blame for his nastiness so his poor little conscience doesn't have to feel one ounce of guilt.

You are better then that! You deserve to be loved for who you truely are, not what you'll put up with.

"I'm not sure how to get the house back from him."

In this situation you need good legal advice as well as practical support. If you make an appointment with a solicitor or with CAB they can run through your legal position and that includes what happens to marital assets. If he has threatened to abduct the child to a foreign country, explain that as well as his abuse. There are ways to protect yourself and your child legally

Do move in with your parents and put yourself out of danger first, however. If you have health problems, a child and have been made homeless due to abuse, your local housing authority will be very keen to help. So make an appointment to see them as well. Money is a huge help when considering an independent life so start organising your finances. Open a personal account and get any benefits and wages paid into it.

To QuintessentialShadows, yes I do want to end this. I'm not just saying what you want to hear. There would be no point for my thread otherwise. I'm just being honest about how I feel, even if my feelings don't make sense. I'm trying to get my head around all these conflicting emotions, that's why I'm posting. I know that everyone will say leave, but seeing my words on the screen makes this all so much more real. I'm so tired of all this, leaving is harder than staying and the support I have got on here is making me stronger to do that.

You only love the bits of him that are. NIce. Most of him is not nice. Downright nasty. It is not a nice environment for your ds. You need. To leave .
Call women's aid getractical support but leave now with ds to your family for the Easter break and do not let him near you.

Make sure your son's passport is out of your husband's reach, leave it with someone in your family who won't hand it over.

I agree that you need to leave; sort out the rest of it once you are out of his way and have some support from your family.

leaving is harder than staying it's not, OP, really it's not. It just seems that way at the moment because there is so much to think about. Just deal with one thing at a time. Maybe a call to womens aid should be the first step because they will be able to point you in the right direction to all the other agencies who can help you.

You are not alone, people here will continue to support and advise you for as long as you want. You have your family too. You will not be left homeless, with nothing but even if you were, that would be better than what you have now.

he's like a child in a man's body that's the reason for his problem OP. He has a childish, self-centered, entitled opinion of himself. Nothing you do will change this. He's perfectly lovely when he gets everything his own way? Has a tantrum or sulking episode if it doesn't? Yep. That's the child. Not nice is it. You are not his mother, it is not your role to raise him, teach him, make him into the man he should be. You couldn't do it if you tried anyway.

I can understand that you want to protect your DS. I wonder have you thought about what your DH is teaching your DS? Every child I've ever meant has learnt by copying - copying speech, copying walking, everything. Your DH is teaching your DS how to be a man.

Is that the kind of son you want? Who disrespects women, who takes drugs, who cannot hold down a job (because of problems with authority WTF?).

The realisation that you personally are contributing to the example that your son is learning (by staying, you are showing him that women should expect this kind of treatment) will I hope, give you added impetus to leave.

Good luck. Pack your stuff today and don't be there when he decides to wander back in.

Go and put DS's passport somewhere safe out of the house where DH can't find it. You don't want the worry of abduction on top if everything else. Have you been in touch with women's aid yet for advice?

In this situation you are lucky you are renting from the council rather than mortgaged.

Has he ever raped you?

I read a book which points out that if we stay in abusive relationships and try to 'fix' someone, it is partly because we believe wrongly that we can control the situation, and also because the relationship holds out a 'promise' which is irresistible to us.

If this could be the case for you, what is that 'promise'? Usually it is something to do with rewriting a part of our own childhood or something similar which caused us pain.

For example an abusive relationship with an alcoholic may be attractive to someone whose own parent was one, or something similar. They are trying to relive the past and to create a different outcome this time. They are used to putting up with unacceptable things, because they learned that they had to as a child, in one way or another. But the underlying feeling in both cases is probably the same eg neglect, abuse, distrust, lack of attention, or something else.

No he has never raped me. If I say no he doesn't persist. He's not rough.

He came home just before DS and I left for an Easter egg hunt. He was working all night, I have had this confirmed. He's gone back to work again now. I think exhaustion is part of his problem too, but he never listens. I couldn't talk to him properly, as I was leaving and DS was around. I am going to move out tonight or tomorrow depending on when we get home. I'm going to tell him how wrong this all is tonight. I don't think he'll change. If he won't then i'll give him time to find somewhere else to live.

I hid DS' passport a few months ago and will take it with me.

Good luck OP. We are with you.

From whom do you think your son is learning how to treat women? He's like a little sponge absorbing it all, even if you think he isn't. Get out now before he's damaged by this situation any longer.

If you have sex with him to prevent him from being nasty, that is rape.
Do you actually enjoy it or want it?
Regardless, it doesn't seem healthy.

TBH, I'd leave first and then have the conversation with him, or have someone there when you leave, or ask him to leave.
The time women leave is the most dangerous. :(

You may consider having some clothes (and DS's passport) at your parents'.

You also said that he has threatened to take your DS away. This is one of the risk factors for child abduction. Along with DV, etc. Do not assume he doesn't mean it.
www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/185026.pdf

Be safe.

I am glad your family has an inkling of what is going on and you have been smart about the passport.

I would be really wary of confronting him this evening about anything. You are very unlikely to get anything but mind games, blame or anger in response.

When you are dealing with someone who is basically very angry and entitled, your chances of breaking through the miles of barbed wire they have wrapped their brain and heart in are slim to none. All you can realistically hope for as a result of your efforts is the feeling that you have been kicked in the teeth.

Maybe that sick feeling you are experiencing is your rock bottom?
There is an addictive element to living with someone who plays their victim. The drug is optimism and the hope that you are special enough to bring out the hurt little boy under the angry man's skin. You catch the odd glimpse of the high, the child in the man's body. You come beck to reality and you set to work once more for the rush. When you find the low gets unbearable and the high starts to become unattainable you can feel it physically as well as emotionally and you realise how drained you are by it all. The only cure is deliberate disengagement, like forcing yourself to go cold turkey.

Good on you OP, you are being smart by moving out and hiding your son's passport.

Hope everything goes ok tonight.

Another good organization to try is Gingerbread. They are great with practical advice on housing and benefits. Stay strong.

So we talked, no shouting. We clearly have mis-matched sex drives. He feels rejected my be, that I am just doing what he wants to 'tick the box'. I run up and get dressed straight afterwards, this is true. I don't initiate (I never get the chance, and I know the expectation is there). He knows I don't want really want to and I'm doing it to make him happy and it makes him feel sick. He had dreams of being married to someone who would dance for him (I never have, too self conscious) and dress up for him (nothing particularly kinky, just anything Ann Summers would do apparently). I used to do this but not anymore, maybe I'm punishing him, my rebellion.

He has tried to stop the smoking but as soon as he feels all these disappointments he realises how unhappy he is but is too scared to leave me so he continues to smoke to dull the pain and carry on. He does love me.

He finds it hard that women flirt with him, but he can't to anything, only to come home to a wife that doesn't give him attention and is miserable/cold/switched off. He hasn't cheated on me because I don't deserve that, but he is trying to warn me how he feels so that I can do something about it.

I explained I've shut down from him because of all the shouting, criticisms, I can't just switch on again while he is the way he is.

It looks like a cycle neither of us can break from.

We didn't talk too much, both exhausted I think. I said I would move out to give us some space. He said no, he'd go because of DS, school etc. I know he has no where to go.

I feel so guilty, so confused and messed up. I don't want to push him into the bed of any old woman. I'm not ignoring your advice, don't get angry :( I need to know that what I'm doing is right? Or is there more to this situation than just an abusive man?