Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

I've done a silly thing - will I be prosecuted?

121 replies

daisystone · 03/04/2012 18:46

I knew this was going to happen and I shouldn't do it but I did so there we go.
Found out about husbands girlfriend about three weeks ago. New this girl was around but he said she was a shoulder to cry on and a friend. She said they had been boyfriend/girlfriend since December which hit me like a hammer as he has been telling me he loves me and hasn't even looked at another woman and was angry when I said another man had approached me and said I was despicable to be talking about dating so soon etc.
Then found out they moved in together at end of February and he didn't tell me (didn't tell me he had moved in to his own place at all. I thought he was still at his mother's). He then asked her to leave a week later so something went wrong....
Anyway, I spoke to her on the phone the day I found out and she confirmed they had been living together but that he had asked her to go and she was the one who told me when they had got together.

To cut a long story short - I went into a massive downward spiral. Reliving all his lies, thinking about what they were doing together while I had thought my marriage was salvageable. I called her a lot and texted her a lot and asked her to pick up so that I could ask her some questions as that was the least she owed me as she had broken my marriage knowing that we were married with a little baby. Now I know it is ultimately him who has done this but she knew months ago that we were married and having a few problems and I told her myself not to get involved.

She has now reported me to the police for harassment. I have a visit from the police at end of week. Great. I think i knew this would happen but could not leave it and could not stop myself. I wanted to upset her and wanted to make her see what she had done and that this was not a game. She has got her father involved (she's only 24) and is now playing the weak and pathetic card which really gets my goat as she was brazen and confident when sleeping with my husband.

There is no point having a go at her really apart from that it made me feel better and I have never felt so bad over the last few weeks and months.

What will be my punishment from the police? Police officer said he wanted to wrap this up on the phone so I guess I am going to be warned off from ever contacting her again and told that if I do I may be prosecuted?...

I wish I could say I felt remorse but I don't. I am just stupid for putting myself and more importantly my daughter in this position.

OP posts:

AdornMeWithSparkle · 03/04/2012 18:50

Oh Daisy, can imagine how it was to know you shouldn't but not quite be able to help yourself.

I reckon that, yes, you will be warned on the 'phone to leave her alone and they'll have a record of this if she complains again. I don't know how far it would have to go before you'd be prosecuted.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/04/2012 18:50

I think it'll be just as you say, a warning not to do it again. Heed it. What you did was foolish but understandable, now you've done it put it behind you and delete all of her contact details.

puds11 · 03/04/2012 18:52

i imagine they will just give you a verbal warning to cease contact with her. Did you post about splitting up earlier? i think i remember you initial post.

izzyizin · 03/04/2012 18:59

I'm not quite sure what the current state of play with the police is.

You've said that the police officer told you he wanted to 'wrap this up on the phone'?

And you've also said 'I have a visit from the police at the end of the week'.

So, was it wrapped up on the phone or is it ongoing and the police are coming to see you later this week?

Charbon · 03/04/2012 18:59

Nothing's going to happen at all, as long as you don't contact her again. Even if you did (obviously not advisable) if you were just asking her to contact you to answer questions, you might end up with a caution which you'd have to sign.

As it stands, you've had a verbal warning and nothing will show up on your record.

With regard to your bigger problem, I think it's best to accept that he was lying to you for a long time and was having an affair with this woman while still pretending to work on your marriage. As you will wryly observe, no-one 'cries on the shoulder' of the person they want to have an affair with and this is a frequent ruse to conceal a sexually motivated friendship.

Dust yourself down, don't contact her again and use your righteous anger against these two, productively. Have no contact with him apart from interactions about the children and make sure you get all you are entitled to financially. I hope you've seen a solicitor and have discussed divorce, residence and finances.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 03/04/2012 19:09

My XH was given a warning for harrassing me (different circumstances). He had a visit from the police and a verbal warning, but I didn't take any further action as he backed right off.

I agree with Charbon - put your energy into rebuilding your life and getting what you're entitled to.

Original poster

daisystone · 03/04/2012 19:18

OK - and when I said the police officer wanted to wrap this up on the phone, I meant he and I talked on the phone and said he wanted to wrap this up but has to come and see me for a face to face. Either that or I go to the police station which I will not do.
To be honest I cannot even remember what i said to her now but left her a number of messages. I am sure they were intimidating - I intended them to be. It's not big and it's not clever and it has achieved nothing but I could not stop myself. I wanted her to feel as bad as I felt.
I want no further contact with either of them. I hate him with a passion.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 03/04/2012 19:21

When is the police officer coming to see you?

Mrsgorgeous · 03/04/2012 19:23

Shame you can't sue her for damages!

Original poster

daisystone · 03/04/2012 19:25

He's coming at end of week. He is from a different county and different force and so has to schedule it into his diary. I was quite angry on phone to him which was probably stupid but told him this was ridiculous and she as sleeping with my husband.

OP posts:

Peppin · 03/04/2012 19:31

"Harrassment" is, in essence, unwanted contact that the instigator knows is unwanted and that is a "course" of contact, i.e. more than one instance. In your case you have called/texted a few/several times, which satisfies the definition, but in the circumstances I expect that if you do not contact this woman again, a prosecution won't be brought.

I understand how you must want to demand answers from this woman as it is "easier" in a way to deal with a stranger than your husband, but ultimately it is he who has cheated on and betrayed you and she may well have been told all sorts of nonsense that encouraged her to believe he was "free". You know, all the "we've grown apart" stuff. She is very young and sounds as though, finding herself out of her depth now not even seeing her "boyfriend" any more but being contacted by his wife, she just wants shot of the whole thing hence the police and father's involvement.

You must be in so much pain and the last thing you need is to put yourself in a difficult position with some cow who you care nothing for. As hard as it is, delete her number from your phone and DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN. If there's anything to be salvaged with your husband then maybe you would do better focusing on that. It's very hard, I'm sorry. But put yourself and your baby first.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 03/04/2012 19:31

Try not to worry about it, they'll tell you not to do it again, warn you that you will get in serious trouble if you do - that's all. If they took things any further they'd spend their entire lives dealing with petty stuff like this.

Onwards and upwards my friend - stop giving the pair of them headspace! You and DD deserve much more than that.

Peppin · 03/04/2012 19:35

And P.S., however raw you feel and however massive the injustice of this police visit, hold it in your mind that the police officer is obliged to follow up this complaint and it is not a reflection on you. He has to do his job. But police officers, judges, and other officers of the law, can all take very ill to any rudeness/temper, however justified. Play the game however you can, be that by playing the devastated betrayed wife, the dignified woman rising above all this, or whatever, but do not let yourself be riled into a worse situation when the policeman comes round. Be contrite. Tell him the background and explain it will not happen again. Then he can tick all the boxes, file his report and leave.

TrueRomance28 · 03/04/2012 19:54

You poor thing.

Be apologetic (to the policeman, not to her of course!) and you'll just get a warning. Peppin 's advice is exactly what I would have written had it not already been said! But yes, show that you are the bigger person.

You will always have so many questions, but delete her number, getting answers won't help, it would only raise more questions. Don't run up your phone bill on that girl, treat yourself to something nice instead!

PCEC · 03/04/2012 19:56

Charbon is 100% correct and gives good advice - see post above.

Original poster

daisystone · 03/04/2012 20:36

One more thing. I told the police officer that my 16 month old would be here when he came. He suggested getting child care "and could my husband watch her". I practically laughed out loud at that as he barely sees her and would never drop everything for me. So I told the police officer that no my husband would not do that and that it was unlikely I would get childcare.

Not sure what to do.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/04/2012 21:02

If he suggested childcare, and you can get it, do so. He doesn't care about your broken family, he's there to give you a bollocking.

Original poster

daisystone · 03/04/2012 21:12

stupid post above. He's not going to start shouting. Honestly. 'He doesn't care about your broken family' - so he will just pretend she isn't there?! Bit hard when she is crawling up his leg and trying to make him laugh.

You make it sound like I am going to be visited by the Nazi Secret Service.

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 03/04/2012 21:18

You will get a ticking off. TBH try to put it down to experience -you are only human. Just make sure you never contact her again.

You mentioned she had got her dad involved. If you feel he is harassing you feel free to contact the police.

saladsandwich · 03/04/2012 21:35

i was thinking same as thecrackfox... how as she got her dad involved?? i would happily mention that to the police officer

ElusiveCamel · 03/04/2012 21:38

I'm unclear about when you separated - before or after December?

Forget his girlfriend for a second, if he doesn't look after his daughter then he wasn't really worth salvaging a marriage with was he? So really you are far better off without him. He may have been saying he loved you, but not really showing it by spending time with his daughter.

So I probably could arrange something if I begged and pleaded, but do you think it is bettter not to have DD there so that she is not upset if I get upset and I can focus on what is happening OR is it better to have her there so police officer can see the innocent beautiful baby that is involved in this and the baby whose family is now wrecked because of that little tart (melodramatic? maybe - but again it is how i feel)
The former obviously! It seems clear from your post that you & he were separated, from some point, if he was living with his mum. Were they having an affair from before the time you stopped living together or did she get together with him after he stopped living with him? Either way, it's his behaviour that you need to focus on.

solidgoldbrass · 03/04/2012 21:41

Thing is, you have committed a crime. You have been harassing and threatening this woman. If you contact her again, you will be arrested. And you had better do a good job of at least appearing to be sorry for your behaviour when the police officer interviews you. If you give him the impression that 'bitch deserved it' and that you might do it again, you could end up in more trouble.

She's 'got her father involved' because you threatened her. Most people who are recieving threats and harassment will tell their parents and those close to them, and the police as well.

I appreciate that you are angry and hurt, but that isn't a free pass to harass other people, and in any case your anger should be directed at your former husband, not her. Though harassing and threatening him is not a good idea, either.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 03/04/2012 21:44

You know what I probably would do exactly what you have done. Unless you threatened to harm her I think it will be a gentle telling off.

Smile apologise stay calm say it won't happen again,

Good luck!

PeppaIsBack · 03/04/2012 21:48

Look I might be wrong there but I get the feeling that you would like to use your dd as a way to show how bad your H is because he had an affaor even though you had a small child together.

I think OldLady is right. Whether your H has acted inappropraitely will not matter to him. To the Police, the issue is with you as a woman has reported you for harrassement. You do know it shouldn't have happened so if I was you, I would act very sheepishly, say how sorry you are for it and confirm to the police officer that you will NOT do it again.

I also do have an issue with the fact you think that she is playing the weak and pathetic card when you, yourself, recognize that you have been threatening and wanted to hurt her as much as you were hurting....

I would reaqlly advise you to go and see a counsellor to work through your feelings of revenge and hate without hurting anyone else.

PeppaIsBack · 03/04/2012 21:51

x post with SGB

I am a bit at loss to the some of the answers there. If a man had done that, everyone would be piling up saying how bad that guy is and how well rid the OP is. The advice would also be to contact the police for harrassement.

how is it possible that suddenly this is becoming OK and 'I would have done the same' or 'Oh poor you' type of comment?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5