I've done a silly thing - will I be prosecuted?

[daisystone]

I knew this was going to happen and I shouldn't do it but I did so there we go.
Found out about husbands girlfriend about three weeks ago. New this girl was around but he said she was a shoulder to cry on and a friend. She said they had been boyfriend/girlfriend since December which hit me like a hammer as he has been telling me he loves me and hasn't even looked at another woman and was angry when I said another man had approached me and said I was despicable to be talking about dating so soon etc.
Then found out they moved in together at end of February and he didn't tell me (didn't tell me he had moved in to his own place at all. I thought he was still at his mother's). He then asked her to leave a week later so something went wrong....
Anyway, I spoke to her on the phone the day I found out and she confirmed they had been living together but that he had asked her to go and she was the one who told me when they had got together.

To cut a long story short - I went into a massive downward spiral. Reliving all his lies, thinking about what they were doing together while I had thought my marriage was salvageable. I called her a lot and texted her a lot and asked her to pick up so that I could ask her some questions as that was the least she owed me as she had broken my marriage knowing that we were married with a little baby. Now I know it is ultimately him who has done this but she knew months ago that we were married and having a few problems and I told her myself not to get involved.

She has now reported me to the police for harassment. I have a visit from the police at end of week. Great. I think i knew this would happen but could not leave it and could not stop myself. I wanted to upset her and wanted to make her see what she had done and that this was not a game. She has got her father involved (she's only 24) and is now playing the weak and pathetic card which really gets my goat as she was brazen and confident when sleeping with my husband.

There is no point having a go at her really apart from that it made me feel better and I have never felt so bad over the last few weeks and months.

What will be my punishment from the police? Police officer said he wanted to wrap this up on the phone so I guess I am going to be warned off from ever contacting her again and told that if I do I may be prosecuted?...

I wish I could say I felt remorse but I don't. I am just stupid for putting myself and more importantly my daughter in this position.

I have needed to take a step back. It is a shame it has taken the police being called to get me to do that. I suppose it highlights the seriousness of it and makes me see that this is reality and there are consequences for my actions. I know H will have lied to her too and probably said we were in process of divorcing (nope) and that I was making stuff up (nope) and that I would not let him see DD (nope nope nope). She no doubt believed all of it and thought she was going to get a loving happy relationship (even though with a MARRIED man). He kicked her out of flat/house after less than a week though so it has been a rude awakening for her too. She should NOT have got involved with a married man and thatt was a mistake on her part and hopefully she will learn from it, but I SHOULD not have directed all my anger at her. Initially I just wanted some answers to some questions 'how long', 'when did it really start?' etc but the more I got silence from her the angrier and more crazy I became. So I was calling her when I knew full well she would not pick up the phone and was sending her messages my husband had sent to me when he was going out with her so she could see what a liar he is. I did say I was going to come and see her face to face if she would not deal with things on the phone and I do remember having a full on crying fit down the phone to her after coming back from teh sexual health clinic after having to have and AIDS and std tests.
It was unbalanced and threatening/intimidating.

I wanted her to know never to get involved with a married father particularly when you knew months ago that we were still in love and looking to reconcile. She still came back and thought she would step right into my place. Anyway that is all my problem and doesn't take away from the fact that the law is the law. I feel no love for her but I still have to take the consequences.

Worst case scenario is court or prison obviously.

pohara I do appreciate the sentiment though. I understand where you are coming from and kindness and understanding is always appreciated.
Thanks

ok,you've clearly thought hard and deep
it's painful and she pushed all you buttons
what support can you get?friends?

in run up to police interview, eat well, try sleep,keep composed and think of how you can reassure pc this was a dreadful one off act. frankly what you just posted is reflective and indicative of taking responsibility

I suppose your mind is running 100mile hour with worse case scenario,that's to be expected but try stay calm

From what you've just said and based on my experience with my best friend being harassed by her ex you will prob get a telling off
X

I've no experience, but I'm sure if you can tell it to the police like you have in your last couple of posts, you will get a ticking off and that will be that

Good luck daisy

V much doubt court will be involved, and almost certainly not prison.

Your last posts show you are really looking clearly at what happened.

However, I'm still not sure what ow did wrong, sorry! You were separated, and presumably your DH told her he was a free man.

She can only go on what she sees and hears, surely.

Meanwhile, he was messing you both about :(

It's unlikely that it will go further than a telling off and a warning to you not to contact this woman in any way again. From your most recent post it doesn't sound as though you made serious threats to harm her; if you had (for instance) threatened to 'get' her or burn her house down you might well have been arrested by now. You may not even get a caution, though if they say they will caution you, bear in mind that a caution goes on your record. And make yourself a promise that you will never ever do anything like this again, because if you do, even in a subsequent relationship (or after the ending of one) you will not be treated as leniently a second time.

I'd think you will get a caution at worst.

Particularly if you have managed to calm down and admit you were wrong to the police. :)

Mantra: your ex wronged you, not her.

And remember that you are well rid of the scumbag. No need for rage. Although that is usually a part of the grieving process.
But, and as we often say about abusive men, you are in control of yourself and should not let that rage become criminal.

caution will still show on enhanced crb
has impact when applying for jobs in health and social care, need to declare cautions

Oh babe! of course you wont go to prison for this! I hope it ends with a caution

FWIW many of us would have reacted as you, really.

Poeple have been hard on you here, I am from the "more" sicilian school of anger. NOT saying ts right, but I really empathise

Hope it ends all OK, and dont beat yourself up too hard. Learn, park it, move on

and I think she is acting like a husband stealing bitch too

daisy, you have been given good advice re the police coming etc.

I would just say to you that the OW may be very naive. If she has not got any children and/or has very little life experience (possible given her age) then she will really not have understood the full horror of colluding with your H to smash up a family. Even if you had a face to face chat with her, you may just find her saying that she loves him and he loves her etc and really not understanding the reality of divorce, custody and stepfamily issues. Like a silly little girl really. Your H is the one who should have understood the above and he has proved himself to be a twat, going out cheating when he has a little baby.

The only possible comfort that I can think of for you is that one day when the OW has grown up and got kids of her own, she might have a better understanding of what she did and she might even regret it and feel sorry about it. But don't hold your breath. Ultimately, it is not relevant. What is relevant is that you and your DD have to carry on living life and you have to rebuild that for the pair of you.

I am really sorry for your situation but make a promise to yourself not to contact the OW again. It won't help you emotionally because she won't have a suitable answer and it will get you into trouble with the police. At the moment, you'll be fine with a verbal telling off from police as long as you say that you are sorry that you contacted her all those times.

and whilst some people may think what Pohara said is cheesy, I think you HAVE to have faith, you have to have optimism that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that this searing rage will pass, and that you will be happy again

rather than telling you thats you've committed a crime. jesus!

but whats done is done, so park it

agree pink, I bet once OW grows up she wll be fucking horrified

I don't think she is the 'OW' in the proper sense though is she?

My understanding is that the bloke started seeing this woman whilst he was split up from OP, and was stringing them both along.

I too am struggling with the victim of this harassment being referred to as the OW. She is merely the new girlfriend of a man who is separated from his wife. The OP has absolutely no evidence that this woman was seeing her husband before they separated. What he has been saying to both of the women in his life is an entirely different matter though.

no one steals a husband
he went willingly
wasn't coerced or bewitched by voracious woman

and frankly for as long as anyone believes that man stealing rubbish,well it reinforces poor wife,dreadful harlot. and that's not the case

adults can have entangled high emotion lives
this is such a case
and op action warranted police intervention

btw caution is not to be made light of

honestly, some people do live from a manual about life I find. ie theory fairytale I have been single and I know without a shadow of doubt I could've popped off any number of married men. Were they unhappily married? no more than usual. play to the ego and keep thier dick centre stage and it's not that difficult.

less of the we're all adults and we have free will and no-one coerces anyone and we all behave vair vair decently and we Don't Commit Crimes and if you do you are Bad and must be smacked [no, sorry, smacking is vair vair bad] and told you are vair vair bad bad girl and You Should Be Ashamed Of YOurself You Jolly Bad, Naughty, Naughty Bad girl. Only when you show Total Contrition and provide Proof beyond a shadow of doubt that you are vair vair vair vair sorry and you have Learnt Your Lesson will you be smoothed on the head let off.

what ARE you going on about springydaffs!

as for: no one steals a husband
ANGELINA JOLIE DID, !!!!!

You say inthe op that you wanted to 'upset her' I can't believe you only asked her to answer questions. Did you threaten her or abuse her verbally?

OP- i am sure that you won't go to prison for this even if it did result in a court case.

If you have any queries about what will take place tomorrow then give the officer a call and ask him. If he plans to voluntarily interview you under caution or arrest you then he will no doubt tell you this and you can arrange legal advice aswell as childcare if you feel you need it. If you get arrested, it will be free and independent. He may just be coming to warn you in person but I doubt that he would have asked you to arrange childcare for that.

However, if you have sent texts/ left voicemails, do presume that he has mobile phone evidence of your harassment so lying or minimising what you have done is pointless. Of course offer mitigating circumstances if you wish but essentially, you need to admit your wrong doing, apologise for it and state clearly (and mean it) that your behaviour will not continue.

Make sure you keep your appointment with the officer, the matter will not go away and he will unlikely be so obliging if he is messed around. No matter how cute your child is, it will not change the legal course of action, he has a job to do and supervisors to report back to. It is serious but not crime of the century so just take responsibility for your actions in an adult manner, be civil and pleasant with the officer and move on. Good luck.

Springydaffs: There can't be one law for nice people and another for nasty ones ie if a Nice Person has been left by a partner that person gets a free pass to behave aggressively or destructively because the other partner was In The Wrong but women are allowed to leave abusive men without being pursued and punished by them. Everyone is entitled to leave a relationship or indeed breach monogamy without being threatened, stalked or assaulted for doing so. 'My feelings have been hurt' can't be used as a justification for assault, criminal damage or harassment of others. Otherwise every abusive psychotic deluded arsehole in the world would be able to get away with it.

daisy, you sound like you have reflected more since your OP, so this thread has helped you, I think

you won't go to prison love, it won't even go to court if you accept you were wrong and undertake to do what I advised upthread (and others have too)

you will be fine, really, try not to let yourself get too despondent and/or worked up

it's simply a formality...so go along with it, do as you are told and it will be grand

you do have to suck it up, I am afraid, you seem to get that though

good luck x

FWIW, for the gender-switchers, I would say the same to a bloke

OP, If the police officer has advised you to get childcare and is going to interview you about the allegations I think you need to be prepared for the possibility of being taken to the police station (either on a voluntary basis or under arrest) for this to be done, as the interview should be tape recorded and under caution. If everything has blown over by then you might be spoken to informally, but the probabilities must be that there will be a written caution.

He said about childcare because I said that my daughter would be here when he came and it seemed like he was just asking if there was anyone who could watch her quite casually. He didn't demand I get childcare or say 'i advise you get childcare'. When I said it was likely she would be here he didn't seem fussed. I have since arranged childcare though.

OW was straight onto my H as soon as we had an arguement on my birthday and he went down to his brothers to stay. We were not formally separated. We had had a huge arguement and he and I were both distraught and I said I wanted him to go for a bit. She literally latched on from the start. He said she was a support for him otherwise 'God knows what I would have done'. This friendship that he kept emphasising was obviously nothing of the sort for her because she fancied him from the start. Saw that on her Twitter account. She was hardly very bright or careful about hiding it. He was either naive or lying from the start. I honestly think he was naive and stupid and wasn't thinking about cheating but about his marriage having problems and his wife being pissed off with him. But you know how it is, one thing leads to another and a shoulderr to cry on and someone telling you 'oh your wife sounds like a right bitch' turns into him thinking 'wow she's really understanding and cool and not like my moany wife who thinks i am a let down etc etc' (not that i said he was a let down but he knows he let me down). It is the new isn't it? Someone with no baggage and someone who is fresh and new. Seems that once he got to know her better she wasn't so great after all.

I feel a bit different today. I honestly think this advice has been a great help. Plus the agency that offers counselling called today and they are giving me a telephone assessment the week after next.

I really will tell the police officer I am sorry because I think and hope that I am getting some perspective and feeling less angry and more accepting. H texted me today saying 'did you try to call me?'. No I did not try to call him. He is probably just angling for a way to find out what is going on here.