I've done a silly thing - will I be prosecuted?

[daisystone]

I knew this was going to happen and I shouldn't do it but I did so there we go.
Found out about husbands girlfriend about three weeks ago. New this girl was around but he said she was a shoulder to cry on and a friend. She said they had been boyfriend/girlfriend since December which hit me like a hammer as he has been telling me he loves me and hasn't even looked at another woman and was angry when I said another man had approached me and said I was despicable to be talking about dating so soon etc.
Then found out they moved in together at end of February and he didn't tell me (didn't tell me he had moved in to his own place at all. I thought he was still at his mother's). He then asked her to leave a week later so something went wrong....
Anyway, I spoke to her on the phone the day I found out and she confirmed they had been living together but that he had asked her to go and she was the one who told me when they had got together.

To cut a long story short - I went into a massive downward spiral. Reliving all his lies, thinking about what they were doing together while I had thought my marriage was salvageable. I called her a lot and texted her a lot and asked her to pick up so that I could ask her some questions as that was the least she owed me as she had broken my marriage knowing that we were married with a little baby. Now I know it is ultimately him who has done this but she knew months ago that we were married and having a few problems and I told her myself not to get involved.

She has now reported me to the police for harassment. I have a visit from the police at end of week. Great. I think i knew this would happen but could not leave it and could not stop myself. I wanted to upset her and wanted to make her see what she had done and that this was not a game. She has got her father involved (she's only 24) and is now playing the weak and pathetic card which really gets my goat as she was brazen and confident when sleeping with my husband.

There is no point having a go at her really apart from that it made me feel better and I have never felt so bad over the last few weeks and months.

What will be my punishment from the police? Police officer said he wanted to wrap this up on the phone so I guess I am going to be warned off from ever contacting her again and told that if I do I may be prosecuted?...

I wish I could say I felt remorse but I don't. I am just stupid for putting myself and more importantly my daughter in this position.

I agree with solidgoldbrass, you do need to show some knowlage that you did wrong. Also she is 24 and you did threaten her, of course she has involved her dad.

Don't have your DD there when the police interview you, its important you focus on that.

I hope you can move forward, you really have been through a lot

I would second the advice from other posters not to involve your young daughter in the meeting with the police officer. That is absolutely not a situation to try to use her as some sort of pawn to your advantage, pretty bad that you would even consider it.

I don't think the suggestion that you get childcare is out of concern for your baby. I'd get legal advice before he turns up, definitely don't see a police officer alone unless you have some idea of what to say/do. I really think you need to get proper advice.

Legal advice may not be a bad idea. You probably shouldn't go into the details of what you said to this woman on MN in case of outing yourself or her, but if you made specific threats (as opposed to just 'I hope you suffer this sort of pain too' type of thing) there may already be a possibility of you being charged. And if you texted her a lot and the texts were aggressive, she may have saved them, and she may have recorded your phone calls after the first few.

It's still fairly likely that you would get off with nothing more than a caution as long as you leave her alone from now on; as you have a young baby a decent lawyer would probably be able to use the 'post-pregnancy hormonal deserted wife' type-defence. But what you did was bad and wrong even if it was a reaction to your husband's infidelity.

I'd get childcare because this is after all an official matter and not appropriate to be witnessed or interrupted by a child. It is extremely likely that you will get upset, although I think the police officer will have a great deal of empathy for your plight. Your child would be better off not seeing her mum upset, so put her needs first.

As I said on a thread at the weekend involving an OW who was harassing a family and the police were involved, harassing another person is wrong whoever is doing it regardless of motive or hurts suffered. But the 1997 laws were put in place to defend against people who were intent on causing serious harm and psychological injury to their victims and on the other thread, it was far more serious because the OW had threatened to lurk outside the children's school and therefore potentially cause hurt and fear in minors whose involvement in the whole sorry mess was an accident of birth to a faithless father.

At 24 the OW is an adult and it is unlikely that she will be feeling genuine fear for her safety. The police will know this and will doubtless treat the matter accordingly, although they are duty bound to deal with a complaint that has been recorded. Police officers are human beings and have experience of a variety of life situations. It's unlikely that he or she will be unkind and it would be more typical that you'll receive some well-intentioned advice about rising above it and showing dignity in adversity. He or she will be clear about what might happen if there are repeat occurrences, but you must make sure you find out whether you are going to be cautioned for what you have done so far (and if so, what type of caution) or whether you are being dealt with by means of a verbal warning. Given what the officer said to you on the phone, I think it will just be a warning, with no expectation of repeat offences.

Explain the mitigating circumstances and your human need for answers after so many lies, but commit publicly to never contacting her again.

I find it a litle concerning that you stil don't appear to have got the message that what you are doing, though understandable is wrong

getting shirty with the police officer on the phone, making plans to use your baby to make a point (err, helloo, he doesn't care what your H has done, he is just doing his job)

my advice to you is

1. get some childcare

2. at least pretend you are sorry for harassing this OW

3. don't get arsey when the police officer comes

4. leave the OW alone in future

5. detach from your H completely except for text communication about finance/child care

6. give up any hope of getting back with your H, and re-start your life accordingly

7. don't use your child against him in future

Now having said all that, I am really sorry you are so hurt and angry, but you really do have to not let yourself get brought so low. It will not help you, in any way.

I knew the law about slander and defamation of character but not about harassment. Thought that it would be ok to post truths about X and OW. X reported me to police. Copper visited with a tiny piece of paper in his hand - said that he had full details. Took no notes; had no idea of the background. Was stunned when I gave information to him. My X had previously sent emails to all of my kids to say that I was guilty of harassment and would be given a formal warning. Copper was quite pleasant and, as he was leaving, I asked if he was cautioning me. He said no as it could only be done in the police station and simply advised me to not contact X any more. Explained that I still had personal items at X's house and he told me to go to CAB.

There was a case reported widely in June of last year about a cuckolded husband, Ian Puddick, who used the internet to expose his wife's lover by exposing graphic details of the affair on a series of websites. Mr. Puddick went OTT (don't blame him) Think that the judge decided that there was no "course of conduct" (will be corrected very swiftly if I am mistaken!)

Obviously, as I was the very hurt, injured and betrayed party, I thought that I had the right to vent my ire! The harassment laws are rubbish!

I did something inadvisable with the phone number of STBXs OW and a photo she sent him. Lets just say that I helped her to hook up with other married men out for a quick shag. I should be but I am not. i am :o:o:o

She called the police and whilst the officer admitted that what I had done wasnt actually illegal (I checked first!) that she was advising me to not do it again or contact the OW, otherwise I could end up in trouble.

It was all done on the phone and the officer was happy to leave it at that. If you have been told that it will be done on the phone then chances are you will be asked if you will contact her again, you will say no, and they will leave it at that. This will be your slap on the wrist, and if you do it again then they will take it further.

I feel for you, I know exactly how you feel xx

OK, just read your updates. You need to step back and realise just how stupid you are being about this.

Your child will not affect the officer in anyway. Yes on a personal level he will think she is lovely, but on a professional level it will not affect any decision he makes.

He doesnt care about the affair either. Again, he has to just view the facts as they are about the case he is involved in, and as it stands you have harrassed this woman. The whys and wherefores are irrelevant.

Be sorry, be contrite and promise not to do it again (and MEAN IT) and you will probably get away with it. Be an angry bitter arse and you will be charged and have to go to court.

If you do got to court then your ex and the OW have really won havent they? He has driven you to breaking the law, he will lap that up. REALLY lap that up. Dont make him smug about what he did to you.

do you do a job that needs enhanced crb,a caution etc will show up
you need to start accepting what you did was wrong and lose the yeah but no but attitude. no more excuses.you're adult and you crossed the line
if the warning is in fact a caution or something that sits on file it will affect careers were enhanced crb is required

I understand you felt pain,distress lost judgment.but now you need to calm down and leave both ex and ow well alone

O have to be honest( at risk of getti ng flamed), when I read the earlier part of your post I did think you were putting a lot of pressure on her. Leave this you g girl alone and direct hostilities toward your ex dh if anyone...

You shouldn't have done it but I understand why you did. You got the wrong person imo - it's him who has been the shit. Yes, she was a shittess but neither of them are worth the breath imo.

You need to show contrition when the police officer comes round. I don't see anything wrong with you having your baby there - the police officer will tell you off and will most likely not be heavy at all. He is just following procedure. The only telling thing will be if you do it again - then they'd come down heavy on you, probably. He will warn you that you can't do it again, why, and the consequences if you do.

I perfectly understand you being incandescent with rage. imo we're all different but the law is the law and you can't do what you did. I think a counsellor of some kind - probably a relate counsellor - would support you to find 'safe' (but satisfying!) ways to express your intense hurt and outrage at what your shit of a STBX has done.

if this was a guy admitting he'd harassed female ex mn would be incandescent
you behaved dreadfully,and seem nonplussed about your actions.yes you're bricking it about impact upon yourself,but bit she had it coming about ow

you need to be adult,responsible and able to hav civil relationship with ex and his new partner.chances are you will all have to co paren't your child

Agree absolutely with SGB and SM.

I am actually quite disgusted about some of the tales of vengeance on here, especially someone being gleeful about sending another woman's photo and telephone number to random men on the internet Disgusting and shameful thing to do.

I Agree. Think it was quite honourable for the ow to communicate with ow in the way she did. But now it seemed ow is becoming a bit scared. Leave her alone op.

I meant "op"!

Oh I feel for you, you have so much pain to cope with.

Try to hold onto your self respect and channel your energies into your own life, it will get better, truly it will.

The police may phone you/pop round but it is unlikely you will be prosecuted. They have much bigger fish to fry.

But ultimately it is you and your baby you are hurting so whenever you feel like lashing out at her or him, take a deep breath and remember that you deserve better, that avoiding contact with him and her will be much healthier for you.

I agree with other posters that you would be wise to access some counselling to try to cope with your feelings. It will also show the police that you are trying to change your behaviour.

And do try to change, start now and in time you will be able to look back on this patch as a blip. You can make your life much stronger and more fulfilling.

But that's not the right analogy.

It would be a man harassing the OM with repeated questions after his unfaithful wife had lied to him for an extended period.

There are double standards on MN though, as faced by the poor OP on the weekend thread I mentioned. She had posts telling her that she was wrong to get the police involved despite the OW threatening to camp outside her childrens' school, accused of wasting police time and urged to have sympathy for the poor OW who was only behaving this way because a man had lied to her.

Harassment is wrong and against the law whoever's doing it and no-one has the right to commit a crime just because a relationship has ended, however understandable the hurt and the anger. But the police very sensibly risk-assess a complaint and take a stronger line if children are placed in the line of fire. Notwithstanding this, the OW was only given a verbal warning, which is what will happen in this case.

especially someone being gleeful about sending another woman's photo and telephone number to random men on the internet

I didnt say I did that, as I didnt do that.

I have gone to see my GP. I am waiting to hear back about a counsellor. There is alwasy a wait.
I do feel full of hate- and I don't know what to do about it. I can't stand feeling like this.
Problem is I cannot even remember everything i ranted on the phone to this woman and police officer will know everything as he will have it on her phone. If I have said something stupid God knows what happens then.
I do remember saying that I was going to find out where she lived.
I'm an idiot but I never want to hear her name again after this and never want to think about her again. As for him, he is a rubbish father and since I had my daughter has been a rubbish husband. I wish I never had to think about him again either.

I just don't want to get taken to court.
Husband and i were living apart before December. But she was on the scene before then and I have no idea when they actually did anything. I will never know the truth because they are both liars and wouldn't know the truth if it jumped up and bit them.

We have been talking about reconciliation and how we love each other for months and trying to work it out. As I said, in January we went for lunch to discuss it and she says this is when they were together. He is a liar. End of story. I just want his maintenance and then if he doesn't want to see DD that is his decision.

I'm an idiot but... you are still not accepting full reponsibility that you have done anything wrong and that concerns me.

I will go with Solid and Eggyfucker's advice - please follow it, they really do know what they're talking about. You need to do this for the sake of your daughter, as if you carry on this conflict you may lose her.

I'm glad you have gone to the GP to address your 'passionate' hatred, this is not really normal and not acceptable to express it in this way.

Please try to hold your head up and respect the fact that he is your daughter's father and do what you can to ensure they have a healthy relationship.

I have tried for months to make sure they have a relationship but it never lasts. Surely it should be him making plans to see her and not just me saying 'come and see her' and arranging possible times?

I flipped out for a while and I do get very angry and have tried to work on it in the past (obviously not very well) but I am sorry. Really sorry that I am doing this and jeaopordising my daughter who is everything to me. Sorry that I have been dragged down to this level. Sorry that I am scaring someone else. But I still hate this other woman even thought it is my husbands' fault. I cannot pretend otherwise. I will not ever contact her again but hate them both. Which is why I need to speak to a professional so I can stop hating and start living again.

I am so glad that so many posters have never had to go through this and have no idea what it can drive you to. The lies and deceit can make you feel as though you are going insane.

Your ExH & the OW have done nothing illegal, they are simply trying to live their lives (whether that is separately or together). You are the one who has potentially broken the law, so you are the only one who has done anything "wrong". You clearly will not agree with any decisions they have made (and i am not dismissing the incredible pain you must feel) but you have a choice about how you live your life and how you behave. Get some childcare in place, and be open and honest with the police officer about what you have done and the anger you feel. Explain that you are trying to seek help for this (who knows, the police may be able to assist with this or speed things up, I don't know).

As I said you have a choice about your future behaviour, and you and your daughter's life. Be honest, seek help, take any legal repurcussions on the chin (whether a caution or whatever) and CHOOSE to move forward from this.

(Sorry, not wanting to sound too harsh, but i am afraid if people are not honest with you, then you may continue on this downward spiral)

I hear you daisy! imo if a man posted that he had done a stupid thing, my bet is that women posters would be more lenient. anyway, I'm going to stick my neck out and say: some people are more 'passionate' than others: what some wouldn't dream of doing, others do when in extremis. It doesn't make it right but imo there is no such thing as 'normal' behaviour when pushed into a corner like this.

If it helps at all, ime what goes round comes round (I never used to believe this but I do now): you have to wait a bit but by the time it does, you will be leading a fulfilling life and won't care that they hit the skids they get their comeuppance. It just does happen ime (I'm old enough to have seen it!). Good luck with counselling - you could get in touch with some womens orgs who can offer cheap counselling if money is an issue. You probably wouldn't have to wait so long for it. You could also approach relate for a reduced fee if you can't afford the full fee. You could also contact BACP to get a list of counsellors in your area, approach one/some for a reduced fee - they expect this and are not offended to be asked: the answer's yes or no.

imo the fact that you have taken steps to organise counselling shows you are taking this seriously.

Totally with SGB here.

You weren't living with your DH but had discussed reconciling over lunch.

Meanwhile he was in a relationship with her. To be honest I don't even see how she is OW, as you had already separated from your DH.

This man has been a crap father since your DD was born, what did you want to happen? You wanted him back, why?

You threatened her and now you still don't accept that your behavior was wrong, even with the police involved.

You need to step right back, calm down and look at this clearly. The police don't care who sleeps with who. They don't care if women sleep with men who have kids. None of that is a police matter.

But threatening people is. Don't make this worse for yourself. Just be v polite and show how much you've changed and moved in since you left those awful messages.