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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done a silly thing - will I be prosecuted?

121 replies

daisystone · 03/04/2012 18:46

I knew this was going to happen and I shouldn't do it but I did so there we go.
Found out about husbands girlfriend about three weeks ago. New this girl was around but he said she was a shoulder to cry on and a friend. She said they had been boyfriend/girlfriend since December which hit me like a hammer as he has been telling me he loves me and hasn't even looked at another woman and was angry when I said another man had approached me and said I was despicable to be talking about dating so soon etc.
Then found out they moved in together at end of February and he didn't tell me (didn't tell me he had moved in to his own place at all. I thought he was still at his mother's). He then asked her to leave a week later so something went wrong....
Anyway, I spoke to her on the phone the day I found out and she confirmed they had been living together but that he had asked her to go and she was the one who told me when they had got together.

To cut a long story short - I went into a massive downward spiral. Reliving all his lies, thinking about what they were doing together while I had thought my marriage was salvageable. I called her a lot and texted her a lot and asked her to pick up so that I could ask her some questions as that was the least she owed me as she had broken my marriage knowing that we were married with a little baby. Now I know it is ultimately him who has done this but she knew months ago that we were married and having a few problems and I told her myself not to get involved.

She has now reported me to the police for harassment. I have a visit from the police at end of week. Great. I think i knew this would happen but could not leave it and could not stop myself. I wanted to upset her and wanted to make her see what she had done and that this was not a game. She has got her father involved (she's only 24) and is now playing the weak and pathetic card which really gets my goat as she was brazen and confident when sleeping with my husband.

There is no point having a go at her really apart from that it made me feel better and I have never felt so bad over the last few weeks and months.

What will be my punishment from the police? Police officer said he wanted to wrap this up on the phone so I guess I am going to be warned off from ever contacting her again and told that if I do I may be prosecuted?...

I wish I could say I felt remorse but I don't. I am just stupid for putting myself and more importantly my daughter in this position.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 04/04/2012 09:34

Springydaffs: behaving like this is not being 'passionate', it is being childish, nasty and lacking in self-control. When you get dumped you have to suck it up with as much dignity as possible, not embark on vendettas: to do so hurts you more than the XP and the XP's new partner in the long run. You come across as deranged and spiteful to the point that many people will think 'No wonder that nutter got dumped' and if you really go for it you can end up with a criminal record.

springydaffs · 04/04/2012 09:47

Kick her while she's down why don't you. OP, get this thread pulled, you're going to get eaten alive.

she made a mistake, get over it.

MorrisZapp · 04/04/2012 09:52

She made a mistake but doesn't accept it was wrong.

scottishmummy · 04/04/2012 09:55

stop excusing and minimizing this daff
op you need to really let go and take this as a wake up call, you behaved in an intrusive ott manner

ow isn't the villian wand you need to stop demonizing here
stop the indulgent boo hoo poor you
you have practical immediate things to sort, like

  1. police interview.
  2. divorce from ex
  3. finances
  4. cordial but cool relationship for all concerned

seriously,take long hard think.
start to take responsibility no more but she did this,but she did that excuses

springydaffs · 04/04/2012 09:59

She does accept it was wrong. She is facing the consequences - we aren't - and absorbing the consequences. She made a serious mistake, she knows this. Somebody said upthread - cool as you like - that the vile pair had 'not broken any laws'. They have broken moral laws and it was that, probably, that OP was addressing when she totally lost her marbles.

Clearly, lots of you have never lost your marbles, are well in control of yourselves. Well, bully for you.

If a man posted this he wouldn't get such a hard time. Women have to be pecked into shape, it seems.

madoldbird · 04/04/2012 10:04

springydaffs No-one that i can see is "kicking her while she is down" or "eating her alive". The OP has choosen to come on here, explaining the situation and seeking advice and opinions. People have been honest with her, telling her that what she has done is wrong, whilst at the same time giving her good, practical suggestions for taking her life forward. People have posted out of concern for her, and I presume, with a wish for her to ultimately be living a happier life in the future. What's the problem with that?

scottishmummy · 04/04/2012 10:05

daff you are minimizing and excusing this
and don't try turn into some quasi wimmin issue and patriarchy

op lost composure, behaved despicably
now she needs to stop all the buts, all the handwringing and move on

MorrisZapp · 04/04/2012 10:07

Daffs, men who 'lose it' get a very hard time on here.

pohara · 04/04/2012 10:20

OP well done for seeing your GP and asking about counselling. Hang in there while you get real life support sorted. Every positive step you take towards improving your own life will be a step out of the misery you currently feel.

Try to believe that this pain will pass, and hold on to your dd and dreams for you both as you have plenty of time to make them happen.

Your dh has let you down horribly but he cannot take away your future.

scottishmummy · 04/04/2012 10:23

did you read that in clintons cards
that drips sentimentality

op needs to maintain distance,composure
get childcare for police visit

callmemrs · 04/04/2012 10:33

Agree totally with SGB and scottishmummy.

This is SERIOUS. However bad you feel, you have no right to harass someone, and you still don't seem to have taken on board that you are in the wrong. It's not a game. It's not about trying to get the police officer to sympathise. You did wrong. He is there to do a job and go through a procedure.

The advice you've been given about getting childcare for when the police officer comes is spot on. Focus on the issue. Express regret and show that you KNOW you were wrong. Not in a fake OTT way but genuinely accepting that however you feel, you just can't do that sort of thing.

GreenEyesAndHam · 04/04/2012 10:37

I hope you don't get prosecuted, you have a child who needs and depends on you.

But I wouldn't call your behaviour 'silly', I'd call it disgusting.

Posters suggesting that anyone who feels this way just hasn't ever felt as 'hurt' as you, or as 'passionately', or as desperate aren't doing you any favours IMO. The fact is that pain and rejection happens and it's awful but it does not excuse harassment and vile behaviour.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 04/04/2012 10:38

Have I missed a post where OP has "threatened" OW?

scottishmummy · 04/04/2012 10:49

yes do keep up
police visiting op re her harassment of ow
op can't recall all messages but admits they were intimidating (op words)

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 04/04/2012 10:53

Thank you for "keep up" very good!
Yes I read about intimidating behaviour but haven't read if OP had threatened OW physically!

GreenEyesAndHam · 04/04/2012 10:57

I don't think OP has said Oldlady. She does say she told her she was going to find out where she lives, which I would take to be meant as threatening

Unless she meant she wanted to hand deliver the 'Thank you for keeping the useless tosser out of my hair' card Grin

GreenEyesAndHam · 04/04/2012 10:58

Oh my gosh my eyes!! Blush Sorry for getting your name wrong ohdear

callmemrs · 04/04/2012 11:01

Threatening behaviour doesn't just include physical threats

The op admits she was intimidating, and said she can't remember exactly what she said. No doubt the woman has kept text messages and possibly voice recordings so at least there will be some concrete evidence of the actual words

I am another person who is Shock at the double standards on here. If this were a man threatening someone, I bet everyone would be up in arms. I cannot believe some people are almost excusing the ops actions. I'm sure we can all understand how she feels she wants to get back at the woman, but being an adult is recognising the gap between what you feel and how you should act.

Original poster
daisystone · 04/04/2012 11:02

I take it all on the chin. I did lose the plot for a while and accept that. I also knew that no good would come of it while doing it and that of course she would call the police or a lawyer - and yet still I did it.
It's not rational. It wasn't sensible or right but I did it. No, I had no composure and need to work on that now. I don't know what good I thought would come of it. The police officer of course has a job to do and has to do what he has to do.

My question was about what is likely to happen and what course of action they will take against me. I don't want to admit to being deranged as they will no doubt think I am bound to do it again. I do feel calmer now and this is a wake up call, but it doesn't turn back the clock.

OP posts:
ohdearwhatdoidonow · 04/04/2012 11:05

Well legally there is IIRC a difference in Harrassment & physical threat the 2 are not always the same!
I would suggest it depends on which they "could" charge you with.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 04/04/2012 11:05

And Greeneyes- you'll regret that mistakeGrinSmileWink

pohara · 04/04/2012 11:06

scottishmummy - did you read that in clintons cards that drips sentimentality

As opposed to your constant stream of bitterness? What a dark cloud you cast everywhere you show up.

Thank goodness eh for the humanity some of us can muster.

scottishmummy · 04/04/2012 11:09

have you sorted childcare for police visit
pragmatically

  1. get police interview done
  2. yes it's is a v serious big wake up call
  3. solicitor for divorce,finances, accommodation
  4. gather your sensible reliable friends to support you,not the kick him in clackers,and ow is hussy crew though
5 and contact to be cordial and cold, much as it is hard you may all,coparent and have to see each other

you reacted badly under extreme stress, a sequence of events unpleasant for you and the ow. learn from it,you know she pushes your buttons, so avoid her.stay calm

smalltown · 04/04/2012 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 04/04/2012 11:19

pohara do you really express yourself in such dire metaphors and cheesy sentiments in rl or just on mn?

dark cloud I cast everywhere?lol

ah yes that would be the dark cloud,that recommended reflection on action
to stop being maudlin and op take responsibility for own actions

well, it's more pragmatic and achievable than schmaltz about follow dreams etc