are 22 year old daughter's expectations realistic/fair?

[PollySE12]

I have a 22 year old daughter. I'm 39 years old. She is a recent graduate and lives in a flatshare with friends. She visits me about once every 6 weeks and she has recently complained to her father (who I'm no longer in a relationship with) that I don't give her "spending money" when she comes to visit. Apparently she expects me to give her £20 or £30 at the end of our time together and she is angry that I am not doing this.

When she visits I always take her out for dinner, lunch etc.

Is it the norm to give a person of that age spending money each time?

Secondly, my daughter frequently complains that she finds my appearance and my social life "inappropriate". She is referring to the fact that I still make an effort with my appearance, wear lipstick etc and also that I go to the gym, enjoy a social life with my friends etc. The look on her face the other day and the comments she made, when she saw me re-applying my lipstick was quite astounding. She constantly has little digs at me.

Is it really so unusual for a 39 year old woman to still keep up her appearance? Could this have anything to do with the fact that my daughter has chosen not to take care of her appearance and doesn't attend to personal hygiene, is obese etc? (Yes I have tried to gently coax her into taking more care of herself but she gets very defensive about it.)

yes she is being unrealistic. Its good that you like to look nice. there is nothing wrong with that. and she shouldnt expect money from you.

Your daughter sounds like a brat. I'm also 22. I have 2 children, my own house and visit my mum a lot more than once every 6 weeks. I wouldn't dream of expecting her to take me out let alone want pocket money off her or try to tell her how to live her life. She sounds like she needs to get a grip.

i have a 20 year old dd and if she spoke about me in this way there would be serious repercussions!

your DD needs a reality check. what sort of tiny bubble does she live in where it is inappropriate for a 39 year old (or woman of any age) to wear make-up and have a social life. as for the money? if it was something you wanted to give her as a gift then fine but at 22 she should be financing herself and the fact that she made nasty remarks about your appearance and social life would not make me feel very giving towards her.

her own appearance is up to her and if she wantss to be dirty that's her choice but you have a right to look how you please. how dare she be snide about it.

Flaming hell.... There would be no hope for me then! I am 47, wear lipstick, false lashes, go to the gym and enjoy messy nights out

She needs to get a grip and a job.

I can't believe she expects spending money that's ridiculous I'd have never said that to my parents. I moved out wen I was 22 I'm 27 now.as for you looking after yourself there is certainly nothing wrong in that ur only 39 she prob is bit jealous of u as u said she doesn't take care of herself!

She is a grownup. She needs to grow up.

I'm 39 and I have a 5 year old. I don't think I'm an old hasbeen - why does your daughter think that a 39 year old shouldn't do these things? My 94 year old grandmother still socialises with friends, applies lipstick (although she doesn't go to the gym - do physiotherapy sessions count ? )

She sounds like a petulant teenager tbh, I guess she'll grow out of it.

She does seem to have a very high sense of entitlement/resentment. For example, just two days ago she spent £350 on some new clothes for herself. But when I asked her if she had a gym near her she literally lost it at me and complained that gym membership is completely out of her budget, that I don't realise how hard it is to have to pay rent and how much it limits your choices (eh??? I was already a single mum by the time I was her age) and I was given a resentful glare!

In a word no, it's not the norm! I'm 26, funded myself through uni, bought my own house and car, paid for my own wedding etc. Why on earth would you be expected to give her money? You don't mention that she is struggling at all.

Perhaps her digs at your appearance come from unhappiness with her own lot iyswim? If you are a gym bunny and she is carrying extra weight perhaps you unconsciously make her feels bad about herself and she is reacting angrily to that?

She is probably just jealous. I have a very slim and attractive mother and I have always been of her! However I wouldn't be nasty about it!

I had to comment op,
When in 39, I plan to wear make up, false lashes & be botoxed up to the eyeballs! Don't feel like your doing anything wrong their.

Her Uni friends parents probably give them spending money & is probably jealous of that fact!

In a word no, it's not the norm! I'm 26, funded myself through uni, bought my own house and car, paid for my own wedding etc. Why on earth would you be expected to give her money? You don't mention that she is struggling at all.

No she is not struggling. Also, I am not at all rich. I am confused by her constant digs at me. She often guilt-trips me by going on and on about how good it is of her to be paying her own rent, how she didn't have the opportunity to take a gap year and go travelling due to me not giving her any money, how she kept a part-time job during university, etc etc

WOW. She needs to grow up, you do not get pocket money at 22.
And yes it might be hard to see your mum looking glam and fit when you are anything but, its her responsibility to look after her own appearance. Maybe she is feeling insecure and feels jealous that you look good and she doesn't? that doesn't excuse her behaviour though.

I took her out for dinner at the weekend to a very nice restaurant and spent slightly more money than I could afford. I've yet to hear a 'thank you' from her for that meal.

Well by her reasoning she's got less than 17 years left to enjoy her life. Does she actually enjoy her life?

She sounds awful! I have a 23 year old daughter who is still at uni who has just had me to stay with her and was very willing to pay for everything (including my fair down there, and all meals out) - I didn't let her, obviously.

She also encourages me to buy nice clothes, etc (I'm 60 and a widow) I absolutely adore her!

I think your daughter needs a reality check. I have always said (and I have 4 children) that I will support them until they have finished Uni - after that (barring emergencies) they are on their own.

The money thing - well she just sounds like an entitled brat!

But perhaps she's taking your 'gentle coaxing' to try to get her to take care of her appearance, and comments like 'is there a gym near you' a you having a dig at hear appearance and her weight. Plenty of oversensitive people post complaining about that kind of thing on here.

When I was in my late 20s I worked in retail with a lot of 21/22 year old spoilt, middle class princes and princesses who used to toss their well-groomed and glossy locks at my inability to understand how impossible it was for them to leave home & pay rent and bills on the meager pittance they earned.

They were damn right. It was impossible to afford a room in a flat share if you needed to run a car, buy new clothes every month, go out every night and have at least 3 foreign holidays a year. Their lives were just so hard.

I'm still in touch with a couple of them and am glad to say they did grow up in the end.

Are you being nasty to her about her weight? Are you harping on all the time.
You've mentioned it here in your posts so maybe she is just pissed off with you.

If she has a weight problem it may be getting her down if her own mother is wafting around saying well I'm fabulous and can go to the gym, why can't you fatty?!

We have a 21 yr ols DD at uni and working, the only times we see her is when she wants money.
She expects her dad to give her extra money every time he sees her on top of paying her monthly phone bill.
She doesn't understand why he won't buy her a car and insure it and pay for its upkeep.
She regularly has nights out, eats out all the time and has new clothes all the time.
Sometimes I dont know what planet girls live on

I would not have dreamed of taking money from my parents at that age.

I used to get a bit off my dad when I was a student ( like describe, the odd £30 here and there) but not once I was earning.

However I have seen a lot of people, early 20s, who's parents come into my work and buy them things. I am always a bit . It grates on me as I am so independent. I don't think it is on my part, but it might be! :)

I was married with 2 kids when I was 22!!(25 now)

I think she is well out of order!! I am quite on your behalf.

No you shouldn't have to give a 22 year old spending money. I don't get money of my mum except for birthday and Xmas presents.

Also if you want to keep up your appearance, go to gym and have a good social life then good on you!!

You can't win this one. She sounds rather insecure and teenagery for a twenty-something. Whatever you do, don't do, say or don't say, spend or don't spend, will be interpreted as direct attack on her. All you can do is reassure her that you love her and wait for her to grow out of it. Don't envy you...

You sure she's 22 and not 12? She sounds more that age to me!

I'm 26, 27 later this year and I would never expect spending money from my mum (how ridiculous--does she have a job?) nor would I look badly on her for making herself feel good. My mum is 52 and has just started a new relationship, she is attending networking meetings to help her business along and she's joined a few social activities in the evenings to keep herself busy (her marriage ended 3 years ago). I'm so proud of her for being proactive and doing things just for herself, even though it means my sister and I see less of her. Still, I see her once a week at minimum, usually twice on average.