are 22 year old daughter's expectations realistic/fair?

[PollySE12]

I have a 22 year old daughter. I'm 39 years old. She is a recent graduate and lives in a flatshare with friends. She visits me about once every 6 weeks and she has recently complained to her father (who I'm no longer in a relationship with) that I don't give her "spending money" when she comes to visit. Apparently she expects me to give her £20 or £30 at the end of our time together and she is angry that I am not doing this.

When she visits I always take her out for dinner, lunch etc.

Is it the norm to give a person of that age spending money each time?

Secondly, my daughter frequently complains that she finds my appearance and my social life "inappropriate". She is referring to the fact that I still make an effort with my appearance, wear lipstick etc and also that I go to the gym, enjoy a social life with my friends etc. The look on her face the other day and the comments she made, when she saw me re-applying my lipstick was quite astounding. She constantly has little digs at me.

Is it really so unusual for a 39 year old woman to still keep up her appearance? Could this have anything to do with the fact that my daughter has chosen not to take care of her appearance and doesn't attend to personal hygiene, is obese etc? (Yes I have tried to gently coax her into taking more care of herself but she gets very defensive about it.)

"I got therapy for her in her teens for a bit. The doctor said she had symptoms of Bipolar but that it couldnt be formally diagnosed until adulthood. After a short while DD said she wanted to quit therapy. "

I'm really sorry, I didn't want to mention this on my first post because I hate diagnosing over the internet, have no qualifications to do so and thought I might be way of base, but when I first read about her, she sounded exactly like my friend who has been diagnosed with bipolar. Almost everything you've mentioned sounds like it could be my friend. Of course, it could be a brat with no mental conditions whatsoever, but it rang such a chord with me.

I haven't any idea how to approach it to be honest, just to be there for her? A combination of CBT and medication helped my friend, although she's still very hard work and not very happy really. Better than she was though.

Oh, Polly, if this is the same daughter as the thread always has linked to, which I presume it is as the age tallies, then it sounds as though it's about a lot more than your OP. Feel so bad for you both. What about you - have you talked to anyone impartial who might be able to help you resolve what's happened/is happening?

you don't like her much, do you? you're a young 39, interested in your appearance. she's fat and smelly. is this what you were like when she was living with you? maybe she looks to you for money because she knows that you have nothing else to offer.

Seems to me like she resents you... I think you need to work through this resentment - maybe it is the abandonment when she was younger?

Perhaps its the fault of the anti psychotic that she is so overweight? Its very common you know, and no amount of nagging will help. In fact, it would make me want to eat more.

Having read your other thread I think you ought to have mentioned in this one that your DD didn't live with you from the age of 2....it seems she's looking for some kind of compensation for that OP.

Apologies if I have this wrong btw.

I think she's looking for unconditional love and doesn't feel she has it. Given the other thread, would she ever agree to have family therapy with you?

Put it this way. My mum is in her 60's and still wears lipstick, dresses nicely etc (fitness is a problem - but that's a whole lifetime's built up problem!!). My 95 year old gran, up until she went into hospital a couple of weeks ago, would still wear lipstick when going out or having visitors, and my 92 year old gran also still wears full makeup daily.

At 37, I actually think I dress better and look after myself better than when I was 22 (more money, and more knowledge of what suits me now, than then - wish I still had that time!!). My neighbour, who is 42, is looking better this year than she has for the past while as she's on a serious (long and slow process giving better and longer term results) health kick.

I never got money just for visiting my folks once I left home to stay closer to Uni. (A few things might be offered, or "acquired", from the cupboards/fridge, but not cash). And once I was finished, I was responsible for my own funds and making sure I could support myself. They would be there if I needed help, or advice, (probably wouldn't get help without a LOT of advice!), but certainly I never expected a handout whenever I visited. And neither did any of the rest of my siblings.

Some of the other things sound tricky, but there are PLENTY of ways to support and help her without being the cash cow and without accepting that your life is finished even if she thinks it should be.

I'm glad to see the thread is taking a more sympathetic turn. I was a bit shocked by some of the comments at the top. Of course her comments are unreasonable, taken at face value, but it is pretty obvious that this is an unhappy girl who needs a bit more understanding and a bit less condemnation.

I am struck by what a young, glamorous mum you are, and wonder if what she is really telling you is that she wants and needs more mothering, and is seeing your 'failure to provide' plus your personal appearance as both ways in which you are acting like a young woman (i.e. having the life she should be having) rather than as a mother? I am NOT saying this is reasonable, by the way - she is an adult, and needs to take responsibility for her own life now - but the early 20s often is a time of seething rage against our parents (just as much as the teenage years, IME) and if she is struggling to develop her own adult identity then the nearest, easiest person to blame is you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I am slightly struck that you have chosen to post on this by asking people to take your side against your daughter's, rather than to advise you on how you and your daughter can improve this situation? It doesn't really matter who is 'right', does it? She's not entitled to extra money and giving it to her won't be any kind of solution, but you need to look beyond that, at what she is REALLY asking you for.

kate When in 39, I plan to wear make up, false lashes & be botoxed up to the eyeballs!

At 39 I doubt you will need botox.

Ah, I've just read your opening post on the other thread. OK, this is a completely different kettle, isn't it? Your dd is angry beyond words, and throwing out random demands that you turn into the mother you were not, and compensate her for what you didn't give her when she was younger.

Are you taking steps to repair this relationship? Have you considered counselling?

Maybe she associates money with love. So when her flatmates' parents, who clearly love them, give them £20 when they see them and say "Have a drink on me" or similar, she sees it as the way they show their love.

Has anything like that happened in her family life, where someone gives her gifts and she believes they must then really like her?

So tge answer to my question would be no, she doesn't enjoy life.

What??

I am 27, I have had a mortgage since 18, put myself through Uni and appreciated any help, financial or otherwise my parents gave me. At 22 my parents often slipped me a tenner or bought me a bag of food but I would NEVER have expected it or complained if I didn't receive anything.

With regards you taking care of your appearance, my mum passed away a couple of years ago aged 49 but she always sometimes looked far nicer than me and I was always proud to be seen out with her.

To answer your OP, your daughters expectations are absolutely not realistic.

Having read your other thread this is much more complicated than your OP would suggest.

You didn't have your DD living with you for 20 years. No wonder you haven't got a good relationship.

You left her as a small child and only wanted her to live with you years later. She then didn't want to live with you.

I suggest she is coping with what she sees as 20 years of rejection. Any comments that are critical will just seem like another rejection.

If you are going to find common ground and understand each other you are going to need some professional help.

The thing is, OP, you weren't able to give her the usual stuff of mothering when she was little (your time and attention, tucking her up in bed, playing with her, reading her stories etc). I'm not blaming you for that, but it has to be acknowledged. You can, however, give her money now. I don't think that you should, but I think it has great symbolic value that your daughter is cottoned on to. Simply, it's the most obvious way for you to 'pay back' what you didn't give her before.

My dad left about the time I was born, and pretty much ignored me for the whole of my childhood. When I tell people about this, I find myself fixating on how he never paid one penny of child support, and how he never sent birthday or christmas cards or presents. Not once. Now, presents and child support are just the material manifestations of what REALLY hurt - that he didn't love me enough to come and see me, that he used to walk past our flat every week when he went to have Sunday lunch with his sister, and never bothered to stop and see us, that on the rare occasions (once a year, on average) when he did stop by, he would pretty much ignore me and just talk to my mum, or criticise me for not being the daughter he thought I should be.

Those things HURT. They still hurt, but I find myself strangely unable to articulate how or why (strange because I'm usually good with words). I'm not a materialistic person, but I am very aware of the exchange (or rather, non-exchange) of money between us. For example, I find myself dwelling on the fact that he has two holiday homes, and has never invited me to take my children to either of them. So it doesn't seem to me at all strange that your daughter is suggesting you owe her money.

Again, I do NOT think you should start with the handouts. It's only a symptom, and it won't help the root problem. But I think you owe it to your daughter to look beyond the surface meaning of her words and start dealing with what is really going on here. It won't be easy, for either of you. But it's a lot more productive than asking a bunch of online strangers to tell you what a sad grasper your dd is, and chorusing 'you go, girl' at you.

You should really be ashamed op, coming on here and making out like you have an unreasonable grasping, brat of a daughter, she's unhygenic and fat,,,, etc.

Why did you do this?
You should be asking for advice on how to help her, not trying to make yourself feel better about her rejecting you.

It is also a well known fact that anti psychotics make you gain weight, and bad personal hygiene are symptoms of MH problems, which i have no doubt her abandoment as a 2yr old has contributed to.

Hi

Having read your previous thread I'm afraid it all makes a bit more sense. She's not really going to value your advice or suggestions as you didn't bring her up. She'd already grown up (was at Uni) when you were ready to have her back.

I do hope that you'll have some kind of a relationship with her in time but I'm not sure that it will be a mother-daughter type relationship. I think you should try for a new friend type of relationship. Go and see an exhibition together (for free?) and go out for coffee. Start small and hopefully things will improve. She needs you to put yourself out with "time" for her. Go to the cinema or another activity that you both might enjoy.

I notice also she has aged 2 years in 6 months.

Who are you OP? What's this all about? Are you the 'daughter' in this scenario, or just a bored fantasist?

My parents helped me out financially while I was studying, for which I'm very grateful indeed - but I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting them to continue once I'd graduated. She sounds more like a teenager than an adult woman, it all sounds very odd tbh .

She's being very rude to comment on your appearance etc like that - again though it sounds like a sulky child/teenager not a woman of her age. She seems to have a poor grasp of how normal social interactions and relationships work. Has she managed to make/keep friends, does she have a partner?

Something it's really not right here, and reading the more recent posts I can see there's more to the situation than you've mentioned in your OP! To answer your question, no I don't think this is the norm, but I think you probably know that already...

You don't seem to be taking any responsibility for any of this. Everyone you mention is wrong or seems to be out to get you/paint you as the baddie.

Biddy Pop, i would love to see your grandma in a full face of make-up

I'm 23 and already have 2 permanent forehead wrinkles, obviously i'd be stupid to have botox at this age, but by 39, i can imagine i will.