DS and DD really don't like each other and can't/won't get on.

[IDontWantToBeFatAnymore]

They have said they hate each other and wish they were not here. . I don't know what to do. They are 11 and eight.

Note from the DSs'

Dear Mummy

I have been considering the event which have just occured and found them to be not acceptable so I shall attempt at putting them right.

                       DD's name

• She has made lies up about DS1 ever since she has come home.
• She tells of us for just telling her something.
• She makes fun of me.
• When said my pancakes were nice she said nanny's were better to upset me.
• is rude about the Lego film.

if anyone should be telling you that someone was annoying it should be me and ds2 telling of her, dd is bullying me and ds2 since we got home.

Well in some ways he has a point.
But.... this is not his role to put that right. This is yours as a parent.
What his job is is to learn to deal with people who aren't nice wo resorting to the same techniques as them (because then that makes him just as difficult).

Could you have a chat with him and find some strategies he could use when these situations occur? Again not specific to your ds/dd relationship but more of a 'what to do with annoying people' type of conversation?

Yes, I really need to do that. When he wanted to stay home today and DH said he needs to learn responsibility I realised I haven't prepared them for the real world really and have babied them far too much. In my defence both boys nearly died at birth so I might be a lot little neurotic.

I love responsability.
I really think that when children are given responsability (appropriate to their abilities of course) they feel more in control of their world and terefore less likely to 'rebel' against all the rules.
They can also internlize them and make them 'theirs'.

Saying that it is very easy to forget that they are growing up and to 'baby' them too much. We probably all done it.

Kids all downstairs behaving and getting on . I think they didn't like being made to stay in their rooms...

I did walk out more than once [ashamed].

All okay at the moment. I need to do some jobs upstairs and I am wondering if I dare leave them for half an hour.

DD on computer. DS1 and 2 doing paper mache and DH coming home at half five .

They have been sent to their rooms for 3 lots of half hours.

What do I say when the innocent one shouts at me "What have I done?" when they have to go too?

I usually say 'You need to goto your room until you have calmed. This isn't safe at the moment as you are so angry with each other that you are ready to hurt each other'
In my book, there is no innocent party when the 2 of them are fighting. I know by experience that both at some point have gone over the limits of what is acceptable.
(Also if you single out an innocent party, you do take sides and yu take the risk of supporting the wrong person iyswim)

Thinking about it I knew he had done something to start it. I justy lost my confidence.

DD asked what was for tea and said she doesn't want any tea when I told her what it was. Normally I would just make her something else but I don't feel like it anymore. All my kids are getting fussier though to be fair I can just recall she didn't like it last time either.

If she doesn't want what is being made, I'd tell her that that was what was on offer and she could take it or leave it. If she chooses to leave it, then whines later about being hungry, a banana and a glass of milk will see her right. You are not her servant.

Yes agree about not amking a different meal for each person 'because I don't like it'.

Most of the time, there is always some part of the meal they are happy with so they are eating that.
TBh I also try and avoid things that I know one of them really don't like the same that I do not cook things that I or DH don't like.

It was a case of something quick today but yes, I won't be making it for her again but the boys love it. I often don't mind making something else what is quick but after her being rude to me more than once today I felt a bit like it was tough.

I am so glad I started this thread as I am learning loads.

The kids have been sent to their rooms 4-5 times today, I will keep a note to see if it is less tomorrow.

just to say sorry you're having a rubbish time and glad you have had some great help on here...

A thought: Make sure they get more attention when they are being good than when they are fighting/lying/tellingtales etc. If you are like me then you will be tempted to use the peace to "get things done" and just appear to sort out the troubles thus rewarding the bad behaviour, and perpetuating it.

I really recommend how to talk to kids will listen and listen so kids will talk it changed our family.

House rules for how we talk to/about each other also helped us, and a blanket "no hit" rule (cushions are allowed..small, light)

and I agree one-on-one time is so wonderful if you can manage it and being absolutely fair and consistent with your rules.

Monday?

Where am I going wrong with this, when they are lovely to each other, or playing nicely, I praise them and then within seconds they are arguing .

Yes...I know but it's a habit...15 days to break a habit...if they are used to something else they will be subconsciously trying you and testing you to see if the new regime is real, can you carry it through, will you slip into old habits??

Of course you won't because you will be being cheered on by the wise people above!!!

You have to remember you are in control, if they see you rattled, they will think they have won. It's a war of attrition. MaryZ has offered fantastic advice, benign disinterest will beat them, along with repeated time outs.

Sending to their rooms is working a bit but just had a prime example. DS1 did something to DD he shouldn't and I sent them both to their rooms. Not really sure why DD had to go and she argued about going and back chatted me twice when I told her to go and why.

Just had a chat with the kids and would appreciate it if you could tell me if this is right or not.

DS1 was sent to his room after the 3rd misdemeanour and he shouted I could go to my room! I lined them up and said if dd was annoying ds1 and ds1 complained then they would both go to their rooms but if they tried to work it out for themselves then no one has to go to their rooms. Then I explained it the same as ds2 annoying dd to cover all bases.