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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I NEED HELP

121 replies

nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 08:34

Its been a while since i have posted.. but i need advice and help.

we have been living together for almost twenty years ...so my partner was ignoring me almost for two years..we have not made love since sept 2010 and we have been a couple for twenty years although we are not married.. i dont work i am an artist but i make no money..

my partner since december tell me he loves me again and wants us to be a couple..

since december i have moved on and have had two affairs.. i still live in his house and he pays the mortgage and supports our two children..

he can be incredible ..he built my art room and my studio with my kiln..but i dont think i love him any more..

he is going away on business for ten days and he says that when he returns i must make a decision.. and he says if my decision is not to try and rebuild our relationship then i must leave the house and he will help me to leave and even maybe find me accomodation for my kids and me..

i like living at our house ..my studio is here and it would cost a fortune to have a studio elsewhere..

he says he cannot exist with me if we are not a couple..last night i was with the man i had an affair with who is now a good friend.. and my partner cannot stand me going out with him even though the even was harmless..

am i being unreasonable.. i feel guilty but i also need to live and have a burning desire to live.. but i dont want to loose all my security..?

OP posts:
hubbahubster · 29/03/2012 09:00

I think you should post this in AIBU, Nicola. This isn't really the right area for this question - this is more for questions about kids. Ask one of the admins if they can move it and you should get the responses you need. Good luck.

Original poster
nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 09:02

ok thank you

OP posts:
MNHQ
KatMumsnet · 29/03/2012 09:25

Hi, we've moved this into Relationships, as we think it's the best place for it.

mrstiredandconfused · 29/03/2012 09:38

Ok, first up you need some legal advice - get in touch with the CAB - I think its very unreasonable for him to suggest chucking you and his dcs out of your home when he is the one who ignored you for 2 years. It sounds like you had to accept the situation qmd move on but all of a sudden he wants to be a couple again? Love doesn't work like that- its nit a wwitch.

Have you tried couples counselling?

mrstiredandconfused · 29/03/2012 09:40

Aarrrghh! not a switch

WibblyBibble · 29/03/2012 09:54

Wait, look, does he own the house? You really aren't being very clear, but if you have not contributed at all to the house, and you haven't agreed that you own part of it (you would have had to sign a contract), then I don't see how you are going to be able to stay there. I don't think you're being very reasonable tbh as you should have ended the relationship when you first had the problem with being ignored, if he wouldn't work on it, rather than having affairs and staying to be supported by a man you didn't love. If they are also his children then he will have to pay child support to you but I don't think you can just say that you can stay in a house just because you want to, unless you own it. Obviously if you each own half then that's something you could arrange and he can't just kick you out, but really it sounds like you are just using this man and I feel that is unfair of you!

AutumnSummers · 29/03/2012 10:06

I really think that he's actually being very reasonable here. You have gone on in limbp long enough and he is right to want to move forward one way or the other.

i realise that you are comfortable where you are but that is no goid reason for you not to allow your partner to move on. If you don't love him, let him find another who does. He can't do that with you hanging on for material reasons. It just isn't fair.

AutumnSummers · 29/03/2012 10:07

*limbo

glastocat · 29/03/2012 10:11

I also think he is being very reasonable from what you have posted. If you don't want to be in a relationship with him, you really can't expect him to pay your way in life.

glastocat · 29/03/2012 10:13

Forgot to say that of course he should pay maintenance for your kids, but its not fair to expect him to provide your security and get nothing in return.

Original poster
nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 10:16

i dont own the house nor have i paid anything for it.. i went to college as you will see from my other posts two years ago .. i have been a working artist for two years but i just cant seem to make any money ..last year i made 1400 pounds.. he says that i am lazy because i wont even look for the house that he will pay for..(although he has said that he would hope housing benefit would take over the payments later) .. legally i think i am in a strong position as he must provide an adequate home for his children and as the mother i must look after our children

OP posts:
Original poster
nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 10:18

He is happy to pay for the kids maintenance.. but i have my studio that he built in our house..where do i get a new studio.. i have so much to lose if i move out

OP posts:
Angelico · 29/03/2012 10:23

I am a bit Shock at this to be honest. You sound like you are very entitled. Yes, your DP 'ignored' you for 2 years - I'm not condoning that but I do wonder why / suspect there is more to the story than that. You may also (quite rightly) feel that you can't just turn your feelings on and off for him because it suits him BUT if you don't want to be with him you can't expect him to bankroll you. I think if you've had 2 affairs and he knows about them and he still wants to be with you he must have feelings for you. I actually find this whole situation bizarre. He has offered to pay for housing for you and DC so can't see how you feel he has to give you more when you have never contributed to the house you live in. Expect a home and maintenance from hime for DC but not maintenance for yourself.

Sorry but really I am Shock

AutumnSummers · 29/03/2012 10:24

But you've aid that he has already offered to pay for an adequate home for his children. It's just not the one you live in now.

hopkin · 29/03/2012 10:24

Perhaps you should get a job.

AutumnSummers · 29/03/2012 10:28

Angelico is spot on.

ionysis · 29/03/2012 10:28

Maybe you should have thought about all you had to lose before embarking on affairs instead of working on your relationship. I appreciate that you said he ignored you for a long time, but there is no excuse for cheating - if the relationship was that bad you should have left. Did you ever suggest counselling? Would that be an option for you now?

Legally it is his house, you are not married and therefore you have no de facto right to continue living in it if your relationship is over - kids or no kids.

Your comment about visting your "friend" is just beyond belief IMO. You had an affair with this man - of course your partner is not going to be happy about you visiting him just because you aren't having sex NOW. The fact that you expect him to be fine with you continuing to see the OM, even as friends, when he wants to try to rebuilt your realtionship is ridiculous.

I suggest you think long and hard about whether you are really prepared to commit to working on your relationship. If not, staying with him just so you can keep your cushy paid-for life is completely unethical.

Could you not consider moving out but negotiate with him to still use the studio as your place of work?

He IS providing an adequate home for his children - his house. But he doesn't also have to provide you with free accomodation while you dabble in your art if your relationship is over. Perhaps you should look at getting a job?

DialsMavis · 29/03/2012 10:29

Your relationship didn't work out, it happens. My ex cheated on me numerous times and I lost my home and had to go on benefits for a couple of years because of it, but such is life! If you are not making any money as an artist then you will have to find a job, how many people who toil away in shit jobs do you think would like to follow their dreams but are unable to? lots...

It is unfortunately not your god given right to sit dreamily at your potters wheel all day.

Or, you can use the the poor guy and live a lie to keep your lifestyle... plenty of people do that too

sternface · 29/03/2012 10:31

I think the fact that you expect posters to look up your old threads and are too lazy to link to them is indicative of your attitude.

You aren't entitled to look after the kids either, just because you're their mother. But you are responsible 50% for their care and upkeep, so get a job and start supporting yourself.

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 29/03/2012 10:34

Looking at your other posts I think this is either a wind up or you are incredibly entitled.

On the off chance that you are just very entitled. He is not obliged to support your hobby job. He has offered you housing. Maybe stop having sex with random men and concentrate on sorting your home life out Hmm

If you don't want to be with him then don't. No-one has to stay in an unhappy relationship.

PurpleWithaBlueBun · 29/03/2012 10:34

Are you seriously most concerned about your studio?!
Do you both own the house? If he is happy to build you a studio and support you for two years while you try and make a career with your art then I am not surprised he will pay maintenance.Which he has to anyway.

You need to move on, if your first instinct isn't to save your relationship then that is your answer right there. You need to get legal advice like previous posters have said.

CrockoDuck · 29/03/2012 10:34

To be perfectly frank, you sound incredibly selfish.

You've been having affairs & made no effort at all to make the marriage work. He wants to move on with his life, but you can think of nothing more than "What about me and my studio?"

To hell with your studio. Stop living off a man you don't want, get a job and buy your own damn studio.

Of course he'll support the kids - and he sounds like he's willing to do all he can to get you all settled. Accept his help, and get the fuck out of the poor man's life.

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 10:40

God this is just awful.

I rarely rant on this forum, because I tend to see the grey areas in relationships, but your post deserves a rant.

You don't work or contribute anything financially. You say you are an artist, but unless that is bringing in money it is really a hobby or pastime.

You are being incredibly selfish. If you want a studio, then you'll have to find a means to pay for one- or rent one, or work in a shed in the garden which I know artists do! A studio for an artist who sells almost nothing is a luxury- can't you see that?

You are not married so you have no legal right to any money from him except some maintenance for your children until they are 18.

You need to get real. This might mean you have to find any kind of work to support yourself - like an office or sop job.

I haven't even touched on the emotional side of all of this- which is that you are openly having other relationships whiles living with a man who wants to make things work with you.

Have you any conscience at all?

You are being totally unreasonable and need to sort your head out.

Original poster
nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 10:42

Ignoring me was not just ignoring me it was making me feel unwanted and not giving me any emotional support..i dont see the two guys as cheating because although we were living together i was not with him ... and i took that for granted ..ok we did not sit down and say it is over but i was in the upstairs room for over 6 months sleeping alone.. you all sound super independant.. god know what entitled means.. i am not super independant ..i am not super mum..!!

OP posts:
fallenpetal · 29/03/2012 10:43

OMG you sound like a spoiled brat tbh! Wake up and smell the roses!

Ok your relationship has been pants, but he has supported your need to be an artist and not work, supported the children and when he decides he needs a bit more back from you for it ie some form of relationship you throw your toys out of the pram because you dont want to loose your studio?

I am not saying what he has done is right - nope he has been an arse, but so have you assuming you sleeping with other men wouldnt affect how he feels. Even if he didnt love you he probably wouldnt want to see it and nor should your children.

Imo you should at the very least do couselling, work through what has happened and give your relationship a chance - or take his very generous offer and move out. If you were a man we would be flaming your arrogance.

shakes head in disbelief