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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I NEED HELP

121 replies

nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 08:34

Its been a while since i have posted.. but i need advice and help.

we have been living together for almost twenty years ...so my partner was ignoring me almost for two years..we have not made love since sept 2010 and we have been a couple for twenty years although we are not married.. i dont work i am an artist but i make no money..

my partner since december tell me he loves me again and wants us to be a couple..

since december i have moved on and have had two affairs.. i still live in his house and he pays the mortgage and supports our two children..

he can be incredible ..he built my art room and my studio with my kiln..but i dont think i love him any more..

he is going away on business for ten days and he says that when he returns i must make a decision.. and he says if my decision is not to try and rebuild our relationship then i must leave the house and he will help me to leave and even maybe find me accomodation for my kids and me..

i like living at our house ..my studio is here and it would cost a fortune to have a studio elsewhere..

he says he cannot exist with me if we are not a couple..last night i was with the man i had an affair with who is now a good friend.. and my partner cannot stand me going out with him even though the even was harmless..

am i being unreasonable.. i feel guilty but i also need to live and have a burning desire to live.. but i dont want to loose all my security..?

OP posts:

Original poster

nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 11:51

and thank you agincourt also.. my kids are 9 and 12

OP posts:

Angelico · 29/03/2012 11:52

Hmmm, bit of dripfeeding going on here for sure. So now he's aggressive and controlling too - well in that case you'll definitely want to be well away from him. Get legal advice and go but do expect to get a job and support yourself. No one is going to ask this guy to fund you as an 'artist'.

And Nicola if you want to get a bit of perspective here you might want to read this thread posted this morning. This is someone who is genuinely having a hard time - and unsurprisingly getting lots of love and support on MN. You might read this person's situation and ask yourself if you're really as hard done by as you think. Nicola I honestly don't think anyone is being deliberately horrible but I really don't think you understand how you sound in your posts. I wish you and your family good luck.

jesuswhatnext · 29/03/2012 11:53

i dont think anyone should be laughed at for working at maccy ds, its a good honest job, i should imagine its bloody hard work, not something the op appears to have any conception of!

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 11:53

Look- one final point.

IF- and it's a big IF- you and this man could agree to co-parent and stay in the same house , you eearning nad paying your way, with you each seeing other people, but being civilised about it all until the DCs were adu;ts, fair enough - might work.

But he is not saying that.

he still loves you despite what you have done.

So that is not an option.

badtasteflump · 29/03/2012 11:54

I'm not laughing either jesus - not at anybody who gets off their arse to do some work, anyway

NettleTea · 29/03/2012 11:55

In 2010 her kids were 7 and 10. At this point her partner asked her to contribute to the finances as he felt it was fair. He was upset that the house was messy and he employed a cleaner to come in 2 days a week (so not so controlling that he insisted on OP doing it)
Was the 'mess' to do with your artwork? Is it lots of clay and dust and glazes all over the place?
Was he upset that you were always covered in art related stuff, and not a bit smarter? cleaning yourself up at end of the day? (Not that I am making a judgement on that)

Original poster

nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 11:55

well one was an affair and was over quickly and the other was a lovely older man who made me feel special

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 29/03/2012 11:57

move in with the older man then, or is his bank balance not big enough?

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 11:57

Do you you all really think that because a woman isn't married to a man and yet contributes to that relationship in other ways rather than financially that she is entitled to nothing in the event of a break up? Even if that is the legal stance, do you support that?

Is this not another way of men having control over their own finances and wanting to keep it all for themselves. i am quite shocked you all think this is okay.

The OP hasn't worked since her eldest was born. Lots of women take on primary caring roles when they have children. It's still a contribution.

Clownsarescary · 29/03/2012 11:57

JWN

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 11:59

I am genuinely interested by the way as to why this is seen as okay

Original poster

nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 12:01

EXACTLY!! Contributions to a family are not only financial!!

OP posts:

badtasteflump · 29/03/2012 12:01

Agin I don't think a woman shouldn't be entitled to anything if she wasn't married, no.

I just think it's very sad that a woman would think she doesn't have to take responsibility for herself at all and sees a man as a meal ticket.

Angelico · 29/03/2012 12:01

Agincourt he has offered to provide a home for her and children. It just might not have a studio and kiln! No one on here is saying OP should be booted out onto street penniless but they are saying she may well have to get a job! Are you actually reading this thread at all?!

DialsMavis · 29/03/2012 12:02

No, I expect you are the only person to have ever done a course while being a financially supported SAHM. It's a pity you did art rather than music... it would be much easier for you get your own violin out then

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 12:03

Agincort I think that is another thread, you need to start.

The Op wants to stay with a man she doesn't love because she likes the security and her studio.

If you think that is okay then you are mad too.

NotANaturalGeordie · 29/03/2012 12:04

Hi Agincourt

I am the primary carer for my children. I work nights and weekends while DH stays home, he works through the day as the primary breadwinner.

He supports our children and home, I support me.

I feel that if Nicola's children are at school, she should, as a responsible adult, support herself. She has not contributed financially to the house but has been in receipt of food, shelter, utilities and clothing all paid for as her 'wage' for caring for the children. So, if she had also contributed financially to the house, I would think she should be entitled to that.

As it is, I think her ex-P should assist in supporting the children, and that she should now take responsibility for her own life.

pictish · 29/03/2012 12:04

All I can think is....what about your studio?!
You are not making a living from your art, so I cannot reason that you should keep the house owing to the studio! Loss of studio does not equal loss of earnings does it? It's your hobby. However much you would like it to be your job, it isn't.
I think you should get a job that pays actual wages, and sort out your own studio.
Your dp has a responsibility to your children...of course he does....but to expect to hang on to his house so you can make no money doing your hobby, is unrealistic in the extreme.

badtasteflump · 29/03/2012 12:06

And Amelia don't forget - that man is happy for her to say there, with her security and her studio; but only if she makes an effort to rebuild their relationship and stops having affairs - what a bastard!

Mumsyblouse · 29/03/2012 12:06

Agincourt I agree with you that the OP has been financially stuffed by not being married, in terms of marital assets. She does deserve a portion of the property IMO.

But look at it another way. If she had not been married and financially dependent on her husband, she would have had to either work, or receive benefits, or both. Even the government expect you to look for work once your youngest is 7. She has had several years recently in which to start to build up her financial assets but has chosen not to, choosing instead to stay financially dependent or engage in very low paying work. It's not a choice I would have made (nor do I).

Finally, she may be be morally entitled to somewhere to live (which he is offering to pay for) but surely not a kiln and a studio!

badtasteflump · 29/03/2012 12:07

OP seriously - is there any reason why you need a studio? As others have said, it's not a source of income. Could you not pursue your arty hobby at the kitchen table in any accommodation?

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 12:08

I do the same as you too NotANaturalGeordie, but there must be loads of sahm's who aren't married who are contributing to their families in non financial ways who are actually very vulnerable financially. It's not unsual not to be married these days is it?

and yes, i am reading the thread. It is still her and her childrens home

jesuswhatnext · 29/03/2012 12:14

agincourt - i think none of us would ever condone a woman and her children being thrown out of a home without means of support, married or not, i think having children and running a home is a partnership, wheather the primary carer contributes fianancially or not, looking after 'hearth and home' is a very important role and should be supported but the op seems to think that she should be supported in her lifestyle by a man she no longer cares about or loves, wants to sleep with other people, not work or make her own money even though her children are no longer at home all day and bleats about living with this awful man! she is not a child, she is a grown woman who can take care of herself, she just wants her cake and eat it!

NotANaturalGeordie · 29/03/2012 12:16

I think the sense of outrage on here is because the OP is feeling hard done by to have to leave her studio - most posters seem to think this is taking advantage of her ex-P. If she was more concerned about losing the roof over her head she would probably have more sympathy.

About the rightness and wrongness of the difference between legal rights of unmarried and married SAHM's I don't know enough to comment really. But I did make sure I was married before having the DC's and legal protection was a tiny part of the reason why.

maristella · 29/03/2012 12:19

I think we understand perfectly well OP: you want to have your cake and eat it!

You don't want this relationship, have had affairs, right?
You don't want to leave the house, right?
Your DP has been very supportive or your art, and of your decision to separate, right?
You don't want to find your own accommodation or find a job?

I think you need to get real! Very few of us have had the opportunity to pursue a low paid dream; you have and you have't made it successful enough to make a living from it. Lucky you, time to move on and get a job.

And yes I do know what it is like to be a Mum and a full time student; I did this as a single parent while working to support us (almost full time) and while putting a roof over our heads. I don't claim to be superwoman, but I do have the maturity to understand that I need to provide for my family, and I need to take responsibility for my decisions, which I have. Time for you to grow up and do the same frankly.

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