I NEED HELP

[nicola1969]

Its been a while since i have posted.. but i need advice and help.

we have been living together for almost twenty years ...so my partner was ignoring me almost for two years..we have not made love since sept 2010 and we have been a couple for twenty years although we are not married.. i dont work i am an artist but i make no money..

my partner since december tell me he loves me again and wants us to be a couple..

since december i have moved on and have had two affairs.. i still live in his house and he pays the mortgage and supports our two children..

he can be incredible ..he built my art room and my studio with my kiln..but i dont think i love him any more..

he is going away on business for ten days and he says that when he returns i must make a decision.. and he says if my decision is not to try and rebuild our relationship then i must leave the house and he will help me to leave and even maybe find me accomodation for my kids and me..

i like living at our house ..my studio is here and it would cost a fortune to have a studio elsewhere..

he says he cannot exist with me if we are not a couple..last night i was with the man i had an affair with who is now a good friend.. and my partner cannot stand me going out with him even though the even was harmless..

am i being unreasonable.. i feel guilty but i also need to live and have a burning desire to live.. but i dont want to loose all my security..?

Nicola - many of us are annoyed by your posts, love.

Your sense of self importance, entitlement, selfishness and total and utter lack of self-insight is quite breathtaking.

Starting to think this is some sort of weird reverse AIBU

If it was over why do you refer to them as 'affairs'?

Also, it's poor form to;

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You still haven't answered my question; What prompted the two year break with your partner?

Oops the emphasis was supposed to be on your

i worked up until 2000 ..since then i have been a mum a student and an artist!! does anyone know how hard it is being a full time student and being a mum at the same time.

Nicola

You still have not said how old your children are.

Is that because you know that they are no longer "children" and mean there is no reason in the world why you cannot get a job and support yourself?

I am speechless. Come on- how old are your kids?

You have not worked for 12 years. You were not a student for 12 years. A degree if that is what you have, takes 3-4 years.

You are pathetic.

some women train as doctors and lawyers and bring up children. You did an art degree I assume. And it was your choice- no one made you.

Hi Nicola

I know how hard it is. I worked part time, had two children, completely ran the home as a full time mum and completed a degree.

If you don't love him, then you should leave. If he owns the house, could you negotiate access to the studio on a paying basis? If you get a part time job you could support yourself and pursue your art.

I think you are a bit mad tbh. It's not that hard being a mum and a student - and why would this have gone on for 10 years since 2000? Many people juggle far more than that.

I would never put up with my partner living with me, not contributing in anyway, and having affairs with other people. If it's over, you don't live together, you separate and you move on.

I don't know how old your children are, but what kind of a message are you giving to them?

And as for earning no money - get out and get a job fgs - if it was a man posting this they would be called a cocklodger.

He's offered despite all your past troubles and affairs, his and yours to try again and rebuild something, if you don't love him and don't want to try to love him again then why would you even want to stay with him?

He's made a reasonable request, if you don't love him and don't want a relationship with him then leave. That's not an unreasonable ask, that's fair and how life works.

He's offered to go the extra mile and help find you a place to live and presumably more financial support than he is required to so it's not even like he's throwing you out into the cold.

I think you're incredibly lucky. The women on here are not supermums and are not super independant. We're just women with self respect who who not assume everything we have should be given to us for nothing and mostly they put their children before anything else.

Your post didn't express any concern for your children, just your security and burning desire to live.

As a mother, do you think you might think about what could be best for your children in particular case?

Were you working before you had the kids? You have been together 20 years, and the oldest now is, I guess 12, with the youngest being 9?

Did you start to be a SAHM when they were born?

Cos I can see why maybe he is a bit pissed off. He has been supporting you for at least 60% of the relationship. He supported you going back to college for 4 years (did he pay the course fees too?) when the youngest was about 3. He supported you by building and equiping a studio for you. He is paying for a cleaner to come in according to your post back in 2010.

2 years ago he asked you to help out financially. He was struggling then and obviously beginning to resent the fact that, now you had finished college, and the kids were in school, that you werent willing to pull your own weight financially. No wonder he started to withdraw emotionally. I think he has been pretty patient tbh. He has waited 2 years to see if you would commit yourself to being in a relationship with him, you ponced about playing at art (and all the 'artists' I know, many who are successful, some who are members of the RA, do other work as well to keep the wolf from the door) and expecting him to pick up the bill. You even went and fucked 2 other men, and now cant seem to understand why, as he still obviously loves you, he might be a bit miffed when you go and visit him.

We tell women on here to withdraw and go on strike/move into the spare room when their partners are being selfish cocklodgers, or to kick their arses out. Looks like he tried the same tactic. This is his last attempt to try to sort this out. I just cant believe that you think he is being unreasonable. He has been beyond reasonable.

Right.

On the off chance this is real.

Your relationship is over, you admit it. Your partner, not unreasonably, thinks this should mean you now living seperately. Your children are school age (you've mentioned them before), so don't need you around 24/7 anymore.

You need to get some advice from CAB/a solicitor about exactly what you will be entitled to when you split. Your partner should pay maintenance for the children (20% of net income for 2 kids I think?) but you are going to have to resign yourself to living somewhere else. You don't have a job that pays realistically, so I suspect you will need to supplement your art with at least a part time job; that's life, quite frankly.

You need to realise that you have to start supporting yourself.

This HAS to be a wind up. No-one is that entitled IRL, surely!

I did think they were married sorry, and really the legal position on this shows how vulnerable women are if they are unmarried when they go into a long term relationship and take on a primary caring role. I actually think it's shit and I am suprised as women so many of you think it's okay for the OP to walk away with nothing because she hasn't contributed financially.

Fwiw, I am not a Stepford wife either, but I do comprhend that alot of women have far fewer choices, especially 20 years ago, than men do when children are brought into the equation.

I think the affairs are a different issue, but so is being ignored for two whole years

You don't seem to be taking into account that your partner is an equal person with feelings too. He is not just there to support your choice to live as an artist with no income, despite the fact that you have children with him. Don't you think that you should have at least some of the burden of responsibility to support your lifestyle?

Loads of people would like to fart around in a studio all day being arty (me included), but real life and the need to earn an income gets in the way! If you don't want to continue a relationship with this man, IMO you need to stop feeling so entitled, take responsibility for yourself, and work out how you are going to be able to support yourself from now on. He is the father of your children and was your partner, not your blank cheque book.

BTW I have been a student and a mum at the same time, and now jointly run a business (as well as being a mum, obviously). Lots of people do it and its all hard. I have to say, living your life doesn't sound particularly hard actually.

I don't often say this, but I feel sorry for your (ex) partner.

Don't know how hard it is to be a mum and a student. I do know how hard it is being a mum to two, single handedly, and working full time, running the house, sole contributor etc etc etc

OP is this a wind up?

the two year live with each other split was prompted because.. he has two sides..one is loving caring romantic..the other side is demanding agressive ..compulsive about how clean the house should be.. how great i should look.. what i should wear.. etc etc..and to be honest i had just had enough and i think so had he.. which is why we seperated even though we lived together.

How old are dc's?

It is hard to be a mum and a student, but it can be done. I went back to a very demanding medical 4 year degree as a single mother when my daughter was 2. I had my son 6 weeks before my clinical finals. I had also started a part time WAHM business when pregnant to help support us and to pay for things my kids needed.
My 'career' is still based at home, to work around my kids who are younger than OPs, and I dont earn that much from it, but I still bloody work. i work from when they go out the door to when they come home, and then after they go to bed.
If OP is wanting to stay she needs to sort herself out and stop being so entitled. get an evening job to at least show willing. And some councilling. And understand that someone she had an affair with is NO FRIEND of the relationship.

thank you not natural geordie!! at least someone understands

Nicola

Are you actually reading ANY of the posts?

because you keep coming back with more "evidence" of why he has behaved less than perfectly- but you are not answering any questions about the age of your DCs, or taking on board any of the points being made about your behaviour.

You seem to be trying to make a compettion out of which one of you has behaved the worse- so that your own behaviour looks acceptable.

it isn't.

And if you continue to ignore all the points made here by people trying to help, everyone is just going to get utterly pissed off with you.

You do sound spoilt, selfish and a bit mad.

I'm off now because I don't think you are willing to listen to anything anyone says- you just came here to maon, not to take advice.

oh nicola, we understand only too well!

well, if he is controlling and agressive like that, why are you still there. You need to bite the bullet and leave. he has offered to find you somewhere. Then it will be up to you to support yourself and the kids (tho he will pay child support) Thien you will be in a realistic position to see if you want to be a struggling artist, or if you are prepared to do what most people do and get a job and do your art in your spare time. Maybe when he has contact.

If you were separated, why refer to your two dalliances as "affairs"? Surely they were relationships?

So when will you move out? And you really should start applying for a job. McDonalds have a high turn over of staff so are usually recruiting and they provide all on the job training.

Don't laugh, I work at Maccy D's.....