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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I NEED HELP

121 replies

nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 08:34

Its been a while since i have posted.. but i need advice and help.

we have been living together for almost twenty years ...so my partner was ignoring me almost for two years..we have not made love since sept 2010 and we have been a couple for twenty years although we are not married.. i dont work i am an artist but i make no money..

my partner since december tell me he loves me again and wants us to be a couple..

since december i have moved on and have had two affairs.. i still live in his house and he pays the mortgage and supports our two children..

he can be incredible ..he built my art room and my studio with my kiln..but i dont think i love him any more..

he is going away on business for ten days and he says that when he returns i must make a decision.. and he says if my decision is not to try and rebuild our relationship then i must leave the house and he will help me to leave and even maybe find me accomodation for my kids and me..

i like living at our house ..my studio is here and it would cost a fortune to have a studio elsewhere..

he says he cannot exist with me if we are not a couple..last night i was with the man i had an affair with who is now a good friend.. and my partner cannot stand me going out with him even though the even was harmless..

am i being unreasonable.. i feel guilty but i also need to live and have a burning desire to live.. but i dont want to loose all my security..?

OP posts:

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 12:20

Agincourt marriage exists for a reason. it affords security and rights. It is not simply a religious ceremony for those who choose a church wedding.

There is a difference between the rights of married and unmarried women/mothers- quite rightly IMO.

If women choose to have children and not marry then they ought to be fully aware of the fincial implications should they split up.

Not moan about it when it happens.

The law is there to protect children. Not give somewomen a meal ticket for life.

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 12:21

Thanks, that clears things up for me a bit.

I do agree that a studio and a kiln are a luxury, not really a deal breaker. But i suppose it's normal to feel sad about leaving them behind.

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 12:23

sorry that was to jesuswhatnext and notanaturalgeordie.

I loling at the idea of being a sahm/primarycarer as having a meal ticket for life. Do you mean in the going out sense? as I have gone very badly wrong somewhere!:o

jesuswhatnext · 29/03/2012 12:23

agincourt - perfectly normal to feel sad about leaving things and moving on and really, the op is just taking the piss!

maristella · 29/03/2012 12:23

I'd love a studio and a kiln

But hey! I have confidence and independence, and a low sense of entitlement - you can't build that in the garden

jesuswhatnext · 29/03/2012 12:25

for teh record againcourt, i think its about time that the law was the same wheather a parents are married or not, the children deserve the same consideration.

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 12:26

I would love a workshop too tbh. I did an arts based degree when my eldest two were young and even though I was one of the most creative people on my course (bighead) I have been unable to make anything of it. It makes me feel really sad actually, but that's life isnt it and unfortunately me and dh have always had further to climb up the greasy pole so I have to work in retail to make ends meet. Such is life.

sternface · 29/03/2012 12:26

Agincourt it's not a gendered issue. An unmarried man who was the SAHP would have just the same issues, but in years gone by might have been even more vulnerable than the OP because he might have lost residence with the children even though he had been their main carer.

It's not unreasonable for one of the couple to agree to be the primary carer when the children are young, as long as they can afford it. But if unmarried, it makes sense to protect the SAHP's financial interests while he or she is not working. It's also unfair if only one of the couple gets to have the choice to be either the SAHP or the working parent. Maybe this man would have liked the OP to support him for a while, so that he could spend time with his children? But she seems to think that because she's their mother, this right applies to her and not him. Now that's gendered.

If a couple can't afford it though - or one of them wants to stop working as many hours - it's not reasonable for a partner with school-age children and a twice-weekly cleaner (other threads), to refuse to work and contribute. It's more unreasonable still to stay with someone long after the relationship is over, just to avoid standing on your own two feet. It's also extremely cruel to have two affairs and remain in contact with one of the men three months after you've agreed to stay in the relationship.

It's right and fair that he should compensate the OP for the years she was unable to work because of childcare, but that should be proportionate only to the years when that genuinely applied, or stretching it at most to when this ceased to be his choice i.e. he has been asking her to get a job since 2010. He's being very fair agreeing to pay entirely for her accommodation, when there is no reason why she cannot work and contribute to her own rent.

If this man's got any sense at all, he will see a solicitor and go for 50-50 residence. That way he is only responsible for 50% of the children's expenses (but he sounds like a good parent who will grudgingly realise that if the children are not going to suffer, that will in reality be 100%) but at least he won't have to continue to pay for another adult's living expenses.

pictish · 29/03/2012 12:27

I sympathise with the Op a lot - I wouldn't want to go either....but it's his house and he does not wish to share it with a woman who does not love him or want a relationship with him.
They have grown apart and the Op has had two affairs....the relationship is over. However much she likes her studio, they never married and the house belongs to him.
It sounds as though he will do right by the Op and their children, but this should not extend to him handing over his house to her.

No relationship = no studio.

jesuswhatnext · 29/03/2012 12:28

very good post sternface! everything i wanted to say but couldnt articulate!

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 12:29

you articulated it fine jesuswhatnext

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 29/03/2012 12:48

OP, you are absolutely right to say that "Contributions to a family are not only financial". But the thing is, just as there is more to being a parent than cooking from scratch (yes, I've read your other threads), doing the school run and helping with homework, a very big part of being a parent is to provide financially.

There will be times for many when it is in the family's interests for one person to bear the burden of earning the money whilst the other looks after the children and the home in practical rather than financial ways. But for most, that ends once the children are in full-time education (if not before).

You've acknowledged that your relationship is over. Your children's father has offered to sort you out financially so that you can afford to leave. And yet you insist on hanging around. For your kiln ffs.

Are you trying to stop him from moving on? Is that it?

Angelico · 29/03/2012 12:59

Agincourt I'm sure do want a studio if you are arty. I would love one of those writer's shed with roses round the door where I could knock out my bestsellers :o We're all allowed to dream and to do our best to make those dreams a reality (I write in the spare room!). It's just that most of us understand that you might actually have to work alongside that! And the OP doesn't! :)

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 13:34

well roses round the door goes without saying and I would need some blue tits too that would help me with hanging out the washing.

glastocat · 29/03/2012 13:50

Your tits help you with the washing? [fnarr]

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 14:03

Agincourt I think you completely misunderstood my meaning...about the meal ticket.

if it was not clear to you, the point I was making is that it is totally unreasonable for the OP to expect financial support now this relationship is over. Their children are a joint responsibility but she has no right to anything else.

If that bothers her maybe she ought to have married this man then she's be entitled to 50/50.

I am sorry but I think marriage shows a commitment- and married parents stay together more than unmarrieds. anyone who chooses not to marry has to accept that legally they get nothing if the relationship breaks down.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 29/03/2012 14:21

Would she really get half if they were married? Despite having basically freeloaded for several years?

That's dreadful.

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 14:27

Yes.

Cherriesarelovely · 29/03/2012 14:32

Crikey nicola1969 be fair! I feel very, very sorry for your soon to be ex DP. You have drifted apart but all the time he has supported you financially (I mean you, your art, not your kids, obviously he ought to be doing that anyway). You have had affairs because you actually knew it was over but wanted him to continue to subsidise you. You are being incredibly spoilt and unreasonable. Poor man. Too right you are lazy if you cannot be bothered to sort out a house that he has offered to pay for! It's not about being "super mum" it's about growing up. Sorry, I am not usually so harsh but your sense of entitlement is shocking.

doctordwt · 29/03/2012 14:53

Female cocklodger - hmm how about fanjolimpet

Or perhaps couch pudenda

NotANaturalGeordie · 29/03/2012 21:21

Lol fanjolimpet

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