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Original poster

I NEED HELP

121 replies

nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 08:34

Its been a while since i have posted.. but i need advice and help.

we have been living together for almost twenty years ...so my partner was ignoring me almost for two years..we have not made love since sept 2010 and we have been a couple for twenty years although we are not married.. i dont work i am an artist but i make no money..

my partner since december tell me he loves me again and wants us to be a couple..

since december i have moved on and have had two affairs.. i still live in his house and he pays the mortgage and supports our two children..

he can be incredible ..he built my art room and my studio with my kiln..but i dont think i love him any more..

he is going away on business for ten days and he says that when he returns i must make a decision.. and he says if my decision is not to try and rebuild our relationship then i must leave the house and he will help me to leave and even maybe find me accomodation for my kids and me..

i like living at our house ..my studio is here and it would cost a fortune to have a studio elsewhere..

he says he cannot exist with me if we are not a couple..last night i was with the man i had an affair with who is now a good friend.. and my partner cannot stand me going out with him even though the even was harmless..

am i being unreasonable.. i feel guilty but i also need to live and have a burning desire to live.. but i dont want to loose all my security..?

OP posts:
EnjoyResponsibly · 29/03/2012 10:44

Given your breath taking selfishness I am only surprised you haven't suggested that it should be your DP that moves out. Are you in a Jilly Cooper novel?

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 10:47

Look love, you come over as no better than someone living with a guy because he provides a roof over her head while she sleeps with other men.

What do they call these women?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 29/03/2012 10:48

i have been a working artist for two years but i just cant seem to make any money

No shit Hmm

You sound astonishingly entitled.

How old are your children? What makes you think they'll want to stay with you and not with their father?

What is their father like? What sparked the two year hiatus?

ionysis · 29/03/2012 10:49

We are not "super independent" we are normal human beings who take responsibility for ourselves rather than expecting someone else to pay our way - because we are adults.

Why do you think this man owes you a living? Because you've given birth to his kids? You need to start facing reality - if you were a man mumsnetters would be shouting "cock lodger" from the rooftops.

FriggFRIGG · 29/03/2012 10:49

Erm,is your studio in the garden?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 29/03/2012 10:50

No, we're not all "super independent". We're just adults.

Angelico · 29/03/2012 10:52

I did have a peek at your other threads and like others actually began to wonder if this was a wind up. I especially liked the fact that you whinged on another thread about how 'no one on MN gave you support last time you posted'.

Erm... Maybe that should tell you something Hmm

Mumsyblouse · 29/03/2012 10:53

I also wondered if this is a wind-up, because it seems to me someone cannot have failed to notice that most people don't live at the expense of others, being artists (some of the time presumably as a stay-at-home mum), sleeping with other men in front of their partner (not having discussed it) and not wanting to move on because of a kiln.

In fact, I can't think of any constructive advice as I am speechless!

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 10:58

sorry but why is a woman coming accross as 'entitled' when she has been with her husband for TWENTY YEARS and has taken on the role of the primary carer FOR THEIR CHILDREN?? Hmm

are some of you a bit thick?

Henry1980 · 29/03/2012 10:59

You need to get some legal advice ASAP, legally he is not compelled to provide a home for his children just morally very different things.

If you move out you will be able to claim Tax credits as you are self employed ( must do 16hrs a week min. tho' ),you could claim Housing Benefit & Council Tax Benefit as well. CSA would ask you ex to pay 20% of income ( Child support payments wont effect any benefit income as it is disregarded )

Go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau they will be able to complete a quick benefits check for you and refer you to a family law solicitor.

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 29/03/2012 11:03

Agincourt No I'm not 'a bit thick', but thanks for checking. Hmm

ionysis · 29/03/2012 11:03

*sorry but why is a woman coming accross as 'entitled' when she has been with her husband for TWENTY YEARS and has taken on the role of the primary carer FOR THEIR CHILDREN??

are some of you a bit thick?*

Because despite having 2 affairs and being the one who doesn't want to rebuild the relationship she still expects to stay in the same house (which is not in her name and which she has no legal right to because they aren't married), not working at a paying job and for her partner to support her in the manner to which she has become accustomed.

You may live in Stepford but I where I come from when a relationship ends the man has an obligation to support his kids but no obligation to enable the ex to sit on her behind all day at his expense IN HIS HOUSE.

Mumsyblouse · 29/03/2012 11:04

No-one in our house stayed home for 20 years caring for two children? Two, three years, perhaps more if you all agree to it. SAHM isn't a right, and it's not a 20 year job unless you all agree that you want one non-earning member of the household for two decades.

The 'entitlement' comes from not wanting to leave now, when the OP is perfectly able to get a proper job and doesn't have the support of her partner for being a low-earning artist. Not wanting to leave someone as you would have to pay for your own studio and kiln (but having affairs anyway) is probably one of the most entitled posts I've come across on MN. Similar to a man keeping on his wife to do the housework but with no emotional relationship, absolutely entitled.

The OP does seem more concerned with loss of material benefits and her lifestyle than thel loss of her marriage, but this may be a front, perhaps she is very disappointed things have led this way and has hidden it well in her post

OP, I agree that you are unlucky if you have no legal entitlement to the house as you were not married. It sounds like your partner feels bad about this and is offering to pay your rent in the short-term.

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 29/03/2012 11:07

Actually, ionysis and Mumsyblouse have put it beautifully, so, what they said.

Angelico · 29/03/2012 11:08

Agincourt did you actually read the OP's first post? Her DP (not husband - maybe that answers my question) has offered to provide her and children with a new home but doesn't want her to keep living with him if they aren't a couple and doesn't want her hanging out with the 2 men she had affairs with (the basstad!). OP doesn't want to leave her kiln. She doesn't give a shit about him but she doesn't want to leave the studio he built for her. No one is saying her OP has been a total saint but FFS if that isn't entitled I don't know what is.

And like Puffin I'm not even a little bit thick Hmm

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 11:15

Agincourt you said "sorry but why is a woman coming accross as 'entitled' when she has been with her husband for TWENTY YEARS and has taken on the role of the primary carer FOR THEIR CHILDREN?? hmm

are some of you a bit thick?"

The point is- they are not married.

And children who must surely be in their late teens do not need 24/7 care which prohibits a mum getting a job.

Original poster
nicola1969 · 29/03/2012 11:16

i am so annoyed by your posts... i loved him unconditionally for years.. and i would never ever cheat on him..he flirted like a buttrfly during those years although he says he was never unfaithful.. i never found proof of this but technically it was over which is why i embarked on these two events.. one of the guys made me feel special ..when no one else would.. and NO..i dont want to give him up as a friend.. he is now a good friend nothing more.

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 11:17

This couple are not married.

Okay?

some of you are not reading.

Unmarried partners have no rights to money for themselves in the event of a break up, especially when they have not worked and contributed anything financially.

jesuswhatnext · 29/03/2012 11:18

so OP, you beleive your relationship with your dp is over, you wish to remain in the house and studio you have contributed nothing towards and you would like to waft about being an unsuccessful artist while conducting several affairs and you feel pretty put out that your former dp would like some form of commitment from you, you are also annoyed that former dp is offering to help you look, and pay for, alternative accomodation?

i may in fact be a bit thick, but i can spot a spoilt madam when i see one!

i would suggest op that you grow up, get a job and take some responsiblity for yourself!

ameliagrey · 29/03/2012 11:19

Oh FGS grow up Nicola.

How old are your children?
If you were born in 1969 (?) you must be 43 so I assume your children are late teens maybe?

You chose not to work.
Your partner supported you.

You no longer love him.

You have had 2 affairs which he knows about.

You live with him because you refuse to earn a living to support yourself.

And you are asking for support telling you that you are doing the right thing?

Come off it.

sternface · 29/03/2012 11:20

Unconditionally?

It sounds like you came with loads of conditions attached - that you would make no financial contribution, get to indulge your hobby and would be unfaithful as soon as he stopped paying attention to you and feeding what sounds like an enormous ego.

jesuswhatnext · 29/03/2012 11:20

if its over then grow a backbone and move out! start taking care of yourself and stop expecting him to!

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 29/03/2012 11:26

If this were a man posting this he would be called a cocklodger Not sure what the female equivalent is, but that my dear is what you are!

You are owed NOTHING - your children deserve a home and may choose to live with their father, have you thought of that?

I suggest you start looking for a 1 or 2 bed house to rent, oh and get a paying job and do your art work as a hobby until you can make a living at art.

That is what grown up people do.

Clownsarescary · 29/03/2012 11:26

I was going to say OP is a free loader until I read post again and realised they have dc's. How old are they?

Agin OP doesn't love or want a relationship with this man, if this was a woman you'd be telling her to pack her bags.

Clownsarescary · 29/03/2012 11:26

*his bags