Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Hi, sync :)

Others will be able to answer you in more detail. For now, here's mine:

Yes, it's well known that children have sexual responses (if you've got young DC, you'll be familiar with that already - sitting on your feet and rocking, anyone? Playing snakes so as to rub yourself on the floor?) A common excuse for paedophiles is "s/he wanted it, they enjoyed it". I feel sick just writing that. There's a world of difference between being a CHILD, exploring what your body can do, and being sexually aware.

For most of my adulthood, I thought I had masochistic tendencies in sex. Those have gone. I realised my 'fantasy' was a form of acting-out and, as soon as I did, it left me. What remained was a kind of void: I still felt like a sexually grown-up woman, but the fantasy foundation was absent and I didn't know what to do with that. I'm still picking through the remnants, trying to find out what is real & instinctive for me. It's proving a slow process - partly, perhaps, because of my age but, I think mainly, because I'm loathe to replace one falsehood with another.

Dunno if any of that made any sense to you, but anyway ...

HUG!!!!

Hi Syncopated, can't say much now as have to go out with DP but, I'm glad you felt able to post and I understand some of your feelings. Just take my words to heart: You are NOT sick. Your abuser would like you to feel that way. You are not like your abuser in any way, or weird. A sexual therapist with experience of helping people who have suffered sexual trauma might be some help to you.

I hope you'll get some support from the lovely ladies here.

((Hugs all))

Brilliant posts Garlic and Plink. Really comforting for me too actually. Waiting eagerly for said book links

Hi syncopated, thanks for posting.

As far as I'm aware, it's totally normal, in fact typical for a child to enjoy sexual abuse to a certain extent. Children love personal, direct attention from an adult. If you add physical stimulation that it seems inevitable that the child will get at least some pleasure from what happens. That definitely does not mean that it wasn't abuse. It is never appropriate for an adult to engage in any sexual activity with a child. Never.

To answer your second question, yes, I do have some "off" sexual fantasies. I have had to learn how to be an equal partner in a sexual situation rather than just a toy. I still sometimes struggle with that.

The sexual healing journey by Wendy Maltz. A revised edition is due in june so not many copies available.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0060959649/ref=redir-mdp-mobile phone site so might not link but has another book for partners too.

www.healthysex.com/page/the-sexual-healing-journey

Dotty - think it was you who posted upthread, sorry if it wasn't, about how abuse couldn't be remembered before the age of 3.

I think that idea is largely due to the age at which children begin to talk. If you think about it, all our memories are in words, or at least most are.

From my own experience, all I could remember from the abuse when I was 8, apart from what happened, was the anger at being lied to, and tricked to go into a room with the promise of a jigsaw. I was slightly surprised that I hadn't been shocked by what happened, but had other things to worry about.

It was only 8 years ago, that dd triggered some new flashbacks. The memories weren't in words, but in pictures, so, to me, that indicates that the events were before I could talk. It fits in with the fact that I didn't recognise the room or the view of the landing, and that we moved house just before I was 2.

Sorry, forgot - Congratulations on your new job plink and

When we moved (ran?) away it was a great adventure. We were young with no responsibilities and didn?t need or expect very much. We both found some paid work quite quickly and we soon settled down in the new town. We didn?t consider getting a therapist, we might not have known such people existed, it?s hard to remember. We would not have had the money to pay so I expect we never thought about it. Sync mentions ?that I sort of enjoyed some of it?. Yes it happened to us as well. Dad worked long and hard to get some sort of physical response from us during the abuse. We worked just as hard not to show any signs of it. We got boyfriends then husbands and never told them about the abuse. A therapist doesn?t seem to be somebody who would make much difference TO US. But this thread has done one thing. We might, just might, get back in touch with the family. Perhaps on my birthday. We have the phone number from the library reference section so it could be done. We would like to know why our mother did nothing to stop the abuse.

tb it was my counseller who told me she says its more about significant bad things in our lives and before 2 but bizarrely I have tiny glimpses of thing that I shouldn't remember like actually sitting in a pram when we moved to the town I grew up in.

I know it was when we moved because it was an empty house and I was told it was just after my grandma died, she died in the June I was 2 in the November.

1980 I have found out my mums attitude was my so called brother hasn't been charged so he's innocent, if the shit hits the fan she better not expect forgiveness but alot of condemnation the signs where all there for me even the DC says she must have known, if I was you i'd just get on with my life and forget your mother she's not worth it. [sorry] x

1980 I would be very wary about contacting your family. Be very clear about what you want from them. If you're expecting them to admit what happened and to ask forgiveness I think there's a high chance you'll be disappointed. Hearing someone deny that abuse ever happened or trying to fob you off and tell you that it wasn't very bad can be devastating. If you're prepared for them to deny everything then do go ahead, but just think about what effect it will all have on you.

ArticleonCSA_memories

1980, from things you've mentioned before would going to the police be the way forward? Going back to your family might not have the effect you think. Whatever you think or feel there are people who can help and understand and care, please keep yourselves safe.

Hi all, hope you're having a nice Saturday. I had a relaxing morning in bed while DH looked after DS. Just what I needed to recharge my batteries :)

Sounds lovely Cailin Lucky You! Had a busy day today but going out to see Hunger Games hopefully.

This thread had made me really think hard about how I'm dealing with the abuse and my life in general. Not sure I'm happy with where it's going thus far so I do need to address my issues. The time has arrived.

Must also say this thread has been the best therapy ever. Better than all the counselling (what there was of it) I received

I'm really glad to hear that Avalon :) It has been a huge help to me too. I was worried when I started it originally that people wouldn't post, but I'm very impressed with how open people have been. I'm really pleased that it has helped some bit. Just talking about it and not feeling alone can be such a relief.

What issues do you think you need to address?

Hope it's positive Avalon, I have to agree Cailin and everyone on the thread are very special people.

Am ill so probably not making much sense :)

Glad you got battery recharge today Cailin :)

Sorry to hear you're ill Plink, what's up?

It's a bit daft, old hip injury has flared up, paracetamol + ibuprofen but still hurting, though not as bad, bit space cadetty though.

Just got invaded by DS and friends, love the innocent enthusiam for life they all have :)

Thanks so much for all your replies, it's funny how these thoughts fester and you get so caught up in analysing what you are thinking that you lose track of what matters. I expend so much energy being disgusted at myself instead of just trying to be ok.

Garlic so much of what you have said resonates with me - I feel like if I take the abuse and all the damage it has done away then I don't know who I am anymore, almost like I need it to define me.

I have also spent so many years telling myself that I have imagined it or made it up that I don't even know what's true anymore - does anyone else have this? I remember having been raped aged 9 and my mum seeing blood on my underwear, she sort of gasped and then said, oh it's just from your foot, and I remember thinking, oh how stupid I am, of course it's my foot. To this day I can't fathom why the fuck she said that, and I still feel like I don't know what the truth is.

Ouch that sounds painful plink codeine always good if it's really painful [expert]

Doubting yourself is really common syncopated, for lots of reasons. You forget things, you block things out to protect yourself, you get confused by the adults at the time telling you things that weren't true, you get mixed up about timings and situations. I have some really sharp, clear memories and some really really fuzzy ones.

Yes I Know logically it's all part of it CD but it's hard to make that psychological leap and really truly believe yourself, don't you think? Although I think you are a lot further down the road to recovery (if that's the right word) than me, I still can't bear to talk to my DH about it. You sound so sorted and wise , I would love to feel like that, hoping this thread will help.

I'm not as sorted as I appear to be, sync, unfortunately. I am a huge amount better than I used to be though. I can't say what happened to me out loud. I think once I am able to do that I will feel really in control of it. I'm not sure when that'll happen though. As far as my memories are concerned I've pretty much accepted that I have remembered as much as I can and I'm not looking for any more. There is the possibility though that things will spring up of their own accord in the future, which is a scary prospect.

Believing yourself is hard. It took me a long time to get to that stage.

I've talked to my DH about it, but only in vague terms. I haven't said in detail what happened and he has no idea how extensive it was.

Sync, finding yourself under all the fucked up crap feels impossible doesn't it?

Cailin, do you think you need to tell your DH? I'm presuming you are best friends so does it feel like a gap between you? Could you write it or write how you feel about it and give it to him?

Sertraline is one of two medicines licensed for ptsd, I'm finding it really helpful for the flashbacks.