Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Cailin I told my DH more or less everything the nihght I'd had my first session with Rape crisis didn't think I would counseller suggested writing it down but Itold him in bed I cried myself to sleep and he just held me. In the afternoon I'd nearly ended it came close to running my car into a lorry whilst overtaking.

He did know I'd been abused the first time we ever slept together I didn't need to tell him he guessed by the way I was with him and he has never been anything but understanding in 23 years despite me being a horrible nasty person to him.

I don't deserve him and he deserves someone much more worthy than me

No, he's got the best Dotty, he's got you and can see you, it's like if you had a cancer, he can see past it, iyswim.

Much hugs to everyone, you're all so strong. I'm might be away for a few days :)

Plink - I do want to tell him, eventually. I'm working up to it slowly :) Dotty - I often feel the same as you, I feel sorry for my DH that he had the bad luck to end up with me :(

Dotty, I'm so glad for you that your DH has supported you always.

Mine hasn't. For years he was very critical and angry and resentful towards me. I was also at times very nasty and horrible towards him. Neither of at the time understood why I was often so nasty and angry. We got into a horrible negative vicious circle. This went on for years and was partly why I ended up wanting to kill myself just over a year ago.

It's only since my breakdown that DH has really taken the time to think about the effect childhood abuse has had on me as well as the impact of having no family of my own, because I went no contact with my birth family 6 years ago. For the past year he has been very supportive and understanding and as a result I've found myself able to open up to him a lot more and we both feel closer as a result. We're in a much more positive pattern now.

I'm always asking him why he loves me. He says he just does and that he could see that even when I was being nasty that it wasn't the real me.

NHAN, (((hugs))), I wish I could do more than just offer a virtual hug. Can you ask a friend to mind your boys for an hour so you can rest? I hate asking for help. I've forced myself sometimes and people will usually help if they can.

Oh NHAN :( I know that feeling, of not wanting to go on. We are here for you. I'll be here pretty much all afternoon so if you want to PM me or keep posting here please do, just empty the crap out of your head and make a bit of space for yourself. Are you planning anything, or is it just a feeling?

How are you doing NHAN?

I never realised how horrible I was until 6 months ago but everyone who knows me including says it's been so obvious that what happened affected me so badly except me. I was on a real high yesterday first time in years I was genuinely happy had some positive news on friday slept all night but today I'm back to 'normal' down in the dumps weepy and was awake half the night don't know when this nightmare is going to end.

You will get to a point where you have more good days than bad days dotty.

I do have more good days now probably why the bad days feel so much worse even L the DC when she phoned last said to me think back to where I was when I did my interview with S that's the night I crashed completely I am in a better place its all the worry of not knowing if its worth it or not ATM.

Yeah that must be really tough. Do you think, even if nothing comes of the court case (god forbid) you'll still feel like you got something out of the whole process?

Yes and no Cailin I've just lost so much by doing this, on the way home I told DC that I didn't care if it killed my mother but deep down I wanted her to be a mum and come and apologise for her actions. Now the first statement stands again and it makes me a terrible person I have gained a good relationship with DD2 but it shouldn't of taken this I was a crap mother despite loving them all to bits love isn't enough. I am still at the beginning of a long journey to discover who I am and I honestly don't know what I'll find out.

I have similar feelings towards my mother. I was on the phone to her the other night (I rang her, she never ever rings me) and we were chatting away like old friends and I just felt this anger bubbling up inside me. As far as she's concerned everything is rosy between me and her, while I just want to punch her in the face. It's such a fucked up situation and yet I just continue to play along and participate in her little game of mothers and daughters because I know there's just no point in doing anything else.

Even though the process is horrible and shit I do think it will hold a lot of positive things for you. Getting rid of old crap can only be a good thing in the long run.

NHAN ((big hugs)) Thinking of you. Please ring the Samaritans if you feel you're close to doing something to yourself. Once I got so low, that I felt suicidal and was pretty hysterical actually, and they were brilliant just for getting me through that day.

With regards to relationships. Does anyone feel that sometimes it's actually harder on you mentally not only having to deal with your own mental and emotional difficulties but also having to take on responsibility for someone else's too and how you react with them? (does that make any sense?)

I'm in a relationship with my children's dad. After years of being on and off we're actually together all the time, which I thought would be my dream come true, but now 3 years later I am finding it hard trying to cope.

Oh i have to go suddenly finish this conversation later!

Cailin, sorry if my post came across funny, I have no idea how'd tell someone that close to me, I have don't have anyone that close probably because I find it too difficult to open up.

Nhan, hugs, it is a difficult situation to be in, I wish I could support you more.

Horrible ex's are a nightmare, mine still refers to me as schizo, I just think jog on now. And mothers, ooo, mine doesn't hear a word I say, I'm always wrong and will never amount to anything!

I'm so glad you're feeling ok now NHAN. Don't be afraid to say whatever is on your mind here, we've all been there and we won't freak out. That rash sounds bad - have you been to the doctor about it?

I'm not going to contact my parents. I've taken the advice of people here and there doesn't seem to be anything to gain by talking to them. I bet they are in denial and would not want to tell me the truth. I'm fairly certain that they know where I live anyway. Odd calls when I pick up nobody answers and a couple of times I a bit thought I was followed driving home from work

1980 That's probably the right decision, but it must be quite difficult to deal with. Your parents are supposed to be the people you can depend on when your feeling trauma or hurt. My mother isn't aware of what happened to me, but I think I would find it much more dreadful if she just denied what I was saying was true and disregarded my feelings. Which is probably why I've never said anything (except for that one attempt where she didn't react positively now that i think of it) even though it means something must be wrong with our relationship that I still can't talk about it with her.

What was I trying to say yesterday about relationships: Yes, I realise that my self esteem is very fragile at times and when you're in a relationship I think you need a thick skin. I find myself getting very defensive very quickly if DP starts to criticise me over virtually anything - even something unimportant. I go straight into protection mode and often start arguments over nothing. I get so angry and then later I think: Why did you get so angry? And I feel like a miserable cow. I am unable to remove the criticism from my 'real self' and take it all really personally. I'm also so afraid of being controlled by a man. I tell myself I'll never allow any man to take the piss with me so I get defensive straight away, and poor DP gets the brunt of all my baggage.

Doesn't help that my real Father was violent - which was why my parents broke up. With all my negative experiences, I struggle to maintain a balanced view of men- ironic as I have boys - and not tie these negative perceptions up with DP and his behaviour sometimes.

Just one of the issues I need to address.

I do that with my DH too MistsofAvalon - so unfair that he has to put up with all my sh*t .

NHAN - sorry you're having such a bad time. You have done so amazingly to come this far after all you've been through. I hope you are feeling a little better today

Have been thinking about parents and how much to blame they are (if they are not the actual abusers) and thinking that almost everyone on here had parents who were just not interested at best, or explicitly allowing the abuse to occur at worst. Maybe it's not helpful to think like this but I keep remembering these little things like today my DD was complaining that her vision is a bit funny and things look smaller than they should - I suddenly remembered that I had this for years as a child but it never even occurred to me to tell one of my parents - I suppose I knew they wouldn't do anything about it. I'm taking my DD to the doctor tomorrow - I will absolutely not be the kind of parents that they were

TheMistsofAvalon - just thinking, maybe you find being in a relationship hard precisely because your DP is not very understanding/supportive? I wonder if he can become more so? You could give him a book to read or try therapy together as a couple? I have tried giving my DH a book but tbh it hasn;t done a lot of good - I think he just can't cope with it - his childhood was stable and this is waaay outside his comfort zone. I have pretty much accepted now that I won't get support from him and will have to look elsewhere but it is hard.

Someone (Jasmine?) said it took for her to have a breakdown for her DP to understand. I often think this would also be the case for my DH, perhaps yours too?

Hi, thank you for starting this thread Cailin. I haven't been sure about posting because I don't want to intrude as I am not a survivor. DH was sexually abused by his father and this thread has helped me understand more about how he may have been affected, as some of the things you have talked about resonate with things he has talked to me about. He doesn't like talking about it and I don't want to push him. He has only recently admitted (to himself as well as to me) that it has actually affected him at all (having always maintained that it is something that happened in the past that he had not allowed to affect his life in any way).

I also wanted to tell you all how sorry I am that this happened to you

By that I mean that I am sorry that it happened to you all