Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Garlicbutter - the thing was that she could remember exact details of the "abuser" (like his beard) which matched the person who could not have been the abuser. It certainly made me wonder about how much any of us should believe memories from our very early childhood. How much do we really remember and how much are we "remembering" because somebody has told us that something happened. I have very few memories pre-school, nothing about moving home or Mother and Toddler group or having an eye operation when aged 3. People need to use the treatment that works best for them which includes no treatment

I feel my therapist just doesn't 'get' me. Especially my relationship with my mother. She seems to think I should hate my father more because he was overtly abusive and doesn't seem to get that I was hurt more by my mother's emotional absence from day 1, than my father's abuse from age 10. She also keeps trying to make me talk about what happened with my dad when I don't feel ready to. I ended up telling her about one minor incident with my dad almost to appease her. I was getting the feeling that I had to 'give' her something or she wouldn't believe that my dad had abused me.

I had vivid memories of one of the first times I was raped aged 3 and a half. I confronted my family about it. They all said, "I don't know what you're talking about, love" and "You're making it up, love."

Lo and behold, I eventually got access to my childhood medical records. and there it was in black and white. Aged 3 and a half I'd been raped. There was even mention of the physical injuries caused by the rape. Had these medical records not existed I could have been bamboozled into thinking I made the entire thing up. Sometimes the parents and other adults are heavily invested in preventing the survivor from unearthing the truth about the abuse.

As vulnerable people looking for therapy we are at risk, therapists who push for answers are more likely to do damage. If I feel I am being pushed into something I cannot do it and it is fundamentally damaging for people who have been pushed into doing things against thier will to be pushed.

Good therapy should always be client led.

Karma, I think your psych is being pushy. It's great you can recognise this. Symptoms of depression can be exascerbated by symptoms of abuse. Meds might not help.

1980, it sounds like your friend was damaged by therapy and very unlucky.

Jasmine, your therapist shouldn't be pushing you at all, in any way. It is damaging.

Karma, thank god you have proof, yes abusers will say and do anything to keep it hidden.

1980 no one on this thread has said everyone who has been abused should get therapy. If you don't think it's right for you then you definitely shouldn't do it. Some people have bad experiences with therapists - I did. Some find it an absolute godsend.

I also have vivid traumatic memories from around the age of 3. I have complete trust in my inner child that these are absolutely true memories and I am looking after her by believing her that it did happen. I don't care if nobody else believes me. It's in my parents' interests to 'forget' anyway so I don't expect them to validate me.

Despite my parents being told the injuries I had at 12 could of been caused buy sexual activity no-one docunented it, sounds very selfish but in a way I want it to all fizzle out now.

First counseller I had told me before 2 you can't remember but afterwards its possible I have vague memories of a house with playroom we moved from there when I was 3/4 don't know if it happened in that house the thing that tears me up is all the not knowing. Rather it was over with.

But I had about 10 childhood memories in total! After I started therapy, some of my family members 'gave' me some memories back - these were things that had happened to me, and which they recalled. After they told me, I remembered that those things had, indeed, happened. For me, it was more a matter of piecing fragments together than a vivid recollection.

Similarly, I recall my sister telling me dad was molesting her - she denies this now; it's not in her conscious memory at all - and some episodes of violence against my other sibs, which they don't remember. Blanking out memory is a very well-known self-protective mechanism. The non-existence of memories proves nothing.

1980, one of the best things said to me was to concentrate on myself, learn to look after myself and not compare myself to others. You are questionning things which is good.

The effects of abuse can be very deep and specialised to each individual. If you feel like you are not ready, you are not ready. Treatment doesn't mean neglecting who you are as an individual.

I can't remember some things I can others, pushing to find what I can't remember would be damaging.

PP do you believe that for everyone as for me its what drives me nuts the not knowing.

I believe all of you.

I can't remember most of the things documented by photo's of my childhood!

Different people are at different stages of recovery/acceptance.

Jasmine, inner child therapy has really helped me too.

Dotty, understanding why he abused and why it was me has helped. Those memories may come back when I'm at a stage able to deal with them, thats not now, I will spend my life recovering there's no rush to get it right? I pushed myself to find my own answers.

Dotty I was desperate to remember at first because I knew something more had happened but I just didn't know what exactly and that was torture. Eventually I did remember but just the very basics. Sometimes small details come back to me but I'm not digging any more. As far as I'm concerned I know enough and digging further is just pointless.

Cailin said it so much better.

I'd rather deal with the abuse led coping mechanisms I have than what exactly happened.

Everybody is at different stages of healing.

Pushy therapists do more harm than good. I had one therapist when I was about 19, who wanted me to talk about the specific occurances of the abuse i.e. what my abuser did to me, how he did it etc. It was a male therapist (on the advice of my doctor who insisted it should be a man; presumably so I could learn to trust men again or something.) I was very uncomfortable and didn't want to talk about my experiences in that way, I wanted to talk about how the abuse had affected my life etc.

After 3 weeks he told me he couldn't continue giving me therapy as I was being uncooperative and 'He couldn't help me if I refused to talk' he also said I 'was in denial' which was absolute rubbish, as I did want to talk, just not detail all the specific molestation I endured!

That experience really put me off and I didn't seek help again for years.

One thing I want to say for anyone reading this who experienced abuse at a very young age and cannot remember everything: forgetting really is a coping mechanism the brain uses to protect ourselves. My abuse started when I was 11 and continued throughout my teens till I was 18 and an adult woman. I cannot remember the hundreds of occasions I suffered. Only a dozen or so stand out clearly in my memory. The rest are a hazy backdrop.

Avalon, yes I agree and think my current therapist is a bit pushy.

I don't know if I'm searching for the impossible. A therapist who just 'gets' me, and very quickly. I can imagine that only someone who had been through a similar experience to mine would be able to do that. And finding that in a therapist would be very unlikely I suppose.

The author of the book I'm reading is a therapist but based in the USA. She does do telephone counselling from anywhere according to her website. I feel like she would get me because of what she says in her book. I might send her an email and take it from there.

I know what happened to at least the worst of it how often it was its not knowing how young I was when he started raping me I do know I was 4 if not younger also I need to know if I had to perform sex acts on him. I know all about the brain protecting the body and self preservation I have an absolutely fabulous counseller who's main job is a PTSD counseller and has gone through so much with me but I am someone who HAS to have answers not knowing isn't good enough and short of hypnotherapy when its all over with I don't thhink I'll ever know.

Very much for me too, Mists.

I have 'counted' as best I can all the incidences, and they number somewhere between 15 (a conservative estimate) and 25 separate occasions. Through using my medical records, I know realise that this happened over 2 years, mainly in the spring and summer of both years. There are bits and pieces that I can't remember, sort of, but it's like I remember what happened, but I may not remember how it felt physically each and every time (sorry if that's too graphic). I did do the detaching from what was happening completely - I even remember one particular time where I am watching it happen from about 2 feet above my own head! (disassociation for anyone who wants to look into that - I always thought I was crazy but apparently v common).

I have spent so many years minimising everything that happened to me - I was brought up to believe that men have needs and women shouldn't complain, and that I was mad/bad/crazy for whinging about it.

I was hospitalised after a year of abuse, simply because I was listless, not eating, not sleeping and didn't seem really 'there' so they took me in for several days of tests. I had a depressed immune system, severe anaemia, and was undernourished (!)

It has taken a lot of years of piecing everything together (like the hospital and the anaemia - I should have been taking iron supplements all my life, but I 'forgot' about the hospital and therefore that piece of information) to understand mentally what happened. Emotionally, I know exactly what happened - one person used me for his own sexual needs, despite the fact I was 6 - or perhaps because I was 6. He took my innocence, in a sense my childhood, my ability to trust, my confidence, he bullied me, manipulated me, and with what he did physcially, he tortured me. It makes me feel sick inside, I have spent my life filled with slef hatred, shame and guilt - I have lived half a life, most of it I have spent feeling dead or dying.

My family's attitude to it when it came out (I was 13) basically don't be so silly, you are overreacting, it's normal (WTF?) and it doesn't 'count' as anything harmful because he was 4 years older than me. Glad we got that sorted then you bastards

Hence I have no family!

dottyspotty - I comfort myself by thinking that what I cannot remember at this stage is most likely just 'more of the same' and so my mind is sparing me remembering those incidents very similar to ones I can already recall.

I am very lucky in that my abuse is not as severe as much of what has been discussed on this thread - if you can call any abuse 'not as serious.' Still scars the soul.

ManicPanic - You really mustn't compare your experiences to anyone else's as you just cannot determine how deeply each individual person is affected by their own trauma. I was never 'technically' raped by my abuser. He tried many times though. What stopped him I don't really know. In fact he used to say no one will believe you if you say anything because you're still a virgin.

So for years I used to second-guess myself because I felt I didn't suffer as much as someone who was raped.

BUT

He stole my innocence

He made me feel dirty and ashamed

He destroyed my self-esteem

He isolated me from my family and friends

He made me afraid of sex (ruined my first time with someone special)

He made me distrust almost every man I know

He makes me break down and cry when everything else is great

I could go on. So never underestimate the effect it has on you personally or compare your trauma to someone else's.

I'm really sorry about your family's attitude. When I think about how brave you have to be to speak up about it, only to have people disbelieve you - it's terrible. I would cut them off too.

I hope you get your answers Dotty so you can really heal completely.

If it didn't sound like a really crap cliche, I'd be giving you all a group hug right now.

I'll go for a group hug :)

Hello everyone,

I have been reading this thread since it started and trying to build up the courage to post. I am scared to face what happened to me as I can't bear the thought of the repercussions of opening this particularly vile can of worms. Like many of you I have done OK at repressing it and pretending it didn't happen but this thread has made me see that it does have to be faced.

I don't think I'm ready to share my story - and tbh I don't even really know what my story is - but I have a couple of questions that I would really like to ask - of course don't answer if they make you uncomfortable - they are pretty uncomfortable I think.

OK the first one some of you have answered already - I have always felt completely sickened that I sort of enjoyed some of it. I have always thought that that means it wasn't abuse - but this is wrong, right? As someone said, the abuser uses biology to have more power over you

The second question is about whether the abuse has sickened your own sexual desires - I am so ashamed of this and would never ever say it to anyone, but when DH and I have sex, I fantasise that he is abusing me - it's like I have to get out (mentally) from healthy loving sex as I can't cope with it. I feel so much self-loathing about this and it makes me feel like I am truly sick.

I'm so sorry that so many of you have been through this and some of your experiences are unimaginably brutal. Thank you also for being so brave and sharing your experiences - you have given me the courage to speak out (albeit on an anonymous internet site!) really for the first time.