Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Thankyou Plink. I have been thinking about going for a while and tbh at the moment I feel like it's the last resort. Sleep is non existent and I'm finding myself snapping at dd, and feel so bloody guilty.
I'm not sure what I want out of it tbh (useless I know!) I'm not keen on counselling, hate talking about it but if it will help them I'll give it a try.
My partner has taken the day off and is coming with me so at least I have some support.

How are you? X

Thankyou Plink. I have been thinking about going for a while and tbh at the moment I feel like it's the last resort. Sleep is non existent and I'm finding myself snapping at dd, and feel so bloody guilty.
I'm not sure what I want out of it tbh (useless I know!) I'm not keen on counselling, hate talking about it but if it will help them I'll give it a try.
My partner has taken the day off and is coming with me so at least I have some support.

How are you? X

I'm good, thanks.

The first gp visit is really difficult. If your DH goes with you he could talk if you can't.
I took a friend who told the gp I had been raped as a child.
I was asked if I had problems with sleep/food/drink etc.
It might be good to have a list ie I can't sleep, anxious going to sleep, sleeping but having nightmares.
If you feel depressed tell them, AD's might work they might not but your DH would have to be on hand to help with side effects etc.
Don't be scared, be honest, hugs xx

I'm good, thanks.

The first gp visit is really difficult. If your DH goes with you he could talk if you can't.
I took a friend who told the gp I had been raped as a child.
I was asked if I had problems with sleep/food/drink etc.
It might be good to have a list ie I can't sleep, anxious going to sleep, sleeping but having nightmares.
If you feel depressed tell them, AD's might work they might not but your DH would have to be on hand to help with side effects etc.
Don't be scared, be honest, hugs xx

I do think he will have to do a lot of the talking, I have a well recorded history of vomiting when nervous
It's mainly the sleep issue that I need sorted, it's like a form of torture.
I do have a history of depression, all related to the rape and I do feel like it's creeping back, but that could just be tiredness iyswim.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but did it help that you had a friend with you? Did you feel that you held anything back because he/she was there? I only ask as my dp doesn't know the full extent of what happened.

Oh yeah did I hold back and credit to my gp, she only needed to hear "raped as a child" and that was it for details. She gave me meds for anxiety as I had panic attacks a lot, especially going to sleep.
She focused more on the daily problems I had and how they physically affected me, treated me for those and pushed for psychiatric/councelling referal.

Do take a list of physical symptoms ie flashbacks/panic/sleep problems/pain/digestion. I needed someone with me more than the gp needed to hear details.

Thankyou for answering, I posted and then thought it may have been a bit personal.
Dp has a list, he's far more organised than me.
It sounds as though you gp was very sympathetic, I do hope mines the same. I haven't long moved house and haven't been to the surgery before.

You could both read/print out this www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/page.6htm

It has links to sleep problems, help for couples/families and therapies/medicines which are helpful.

I take beta blockers for anxiety, especially for going to sleep, as they have few side effects.

I also take sertraline, very helpful for flashbacks but some unpleasant side effects, I wouldn't be without them though but it is very individual.

What are your direct sleep problems?

sorry x post,

only say what you are comfortable with. Ask for councelling as you can let it all out there if you need.

Thaankyou, u will have a read.
I think my biggest problem is the fear of sleeping because of the nightmares. I spend most nights drinking coffee like it's going out of fashion. When I do fall asleep, I normally get an hour or two before I'm awake, panicking, can't breath, sometimes sick. It really is taking over my life, I'm so worried that dd will see me in that state.

I was exactly them same, absolutely terrified to sleep. At my worst I was just cat napping and went a bit bonkers.

I had to try and break the fear/avoidance pattern. I slept on the sofa for a bit, took heavily sedating AD's not recommende then the beta blockers which was my turning point. I also keep rearranging the bedroom and have found having the bed against the wall and a load of cushions at my back makes me feel secure enough to sleep now, but I don't have a DH to accommodate

I am really pleased that you are able to sleep now. It must be such a relief to at least feel refreshed in the morning, as opposed to craving more black coffee.
What you said about rearranging the bedroom is interesting. I have to do that at least once a month, its almost like a ritual.
Apologies for the spelling in my last post, bloody phone!

Don'tKnow, it is a relief, such a simple thing but horrible when you don't have it, it's taken about a year and I still have off nights.

You will get there, I didn't think I would but I did. The sertraline had almost an instant effect in reducing visual flashbacks. I started on a low dose and suffered quick toilet trips iyswim and have just upped them. Today I answered the phone and had a conversation without being triggered.

It's a long, hard journey but things can get better, hugs xx

Thankyou. I'm going to go and have a long soak in the bath with a book.
Thankyou for taking the time to have a chat, I really do appreciate it

Thankyou. I'm going to go and have a long soak in the bath with a book.
Thankyou for taking the time to have a chat, I really do appreciate it

Back after a lovely break was able to relax and visit some wonderfully supportive friends yet another one who thinks I have PTSD but I. Can't have as I have coping mechanisms in place to keep myself safe from things happening.

Travelling up I got upset and wound up both at the kindness showed as I don't think I'm as nice as they say and going through my home county the back of a lorry on the M6 looked inviting so I pulled off and had a sleep. Made me realize I still need my meds didn't have any today although I was ok until that point.

Now I need to try to sleep at home slept a couple of nights whilst away but find it hard at home, if I can crack this it will be another small victory.

Hi, I hope you don't mind me ducking back in again. I have posted before about my DH's childhood sexual abuse.

He is not receiving any counselling and doesn't appear to want to. We had relationship counselling last year, and this was the first time I realised that he has been affected by the abuse. He had always told me that he hadn't let it affect his life, and I had naively believed this. I can't understand how I didn't realise before now. I'm not sure he even realised, even though many of our problems link back to the effects of the abuse (not all of course, and I have brought problems to the relationship too). He has mainly been wonderful through our relationship, but has hurt me terribly with a couple of things he has done. Through the counselling he now thinks he was dissociated at the time. This helps me understand his behaviour to some extent, but it still hurts. I hope you don't mind me asking, but can anyone explain what it feels like to be dissociated, and if you think it is possible to do things that you don't actually want to do while in this state? I have also felt at times that I am on the bottom of his priority list, but now he tells me that he just can't say to people, so will do whatever people want, whether or not he wants to, and this has often been at my expense.

I had a good childhood, but my parents, especially my dad lack empathy and feelings weren't really talked about a great deal in my family. I do remember being told that I was being silly for feeling certain ways when I must have tried to voice my feelings. Sadly I can see that this has stuck with me and I have not noticed when DH has needed my support, or even when I have felt that something was wrong I had no idea how to help him, especially when he has seemed closed down, so have let him down too. The counselling has really made me look at myself and recognise this, and has helped me see things differently

Sorry I missed you last night Dontknow, how was your night? DH came with me to the GP when I was depressed and he did all the talking. I just vomited in the sink. It was such a relief not to have to say anything.

I'm glad your trip was good dotty. Are you completely off your meds at the moment, or trying to come off them?

How is your DH doing day to day Tryinghard? Please don't feel guilty thinking that you didn't help your DH enough - when a person is dissociating and shutting down there is actually very little you can do. All you can do is be there if you are able, but at the same time you have to protect yourself.

Being dissociated is very odd, and hard to describe. Looking back I can see there are times when I was dissociated, when I did things I really can't understand now, but I'm not sure how I felt at the time to be honest. That's quite scary really, the idea I can almost become a different person and do things that I wouldn't normally do.

Hi trying hard

I have mentioned about suffering from dissassociative identity disorder in my previous posts, and all I can say is a period of disassociating is unique to each person, and how much of a safety mechanism it is to them

I can also be open with you about how this effects me, i have never ever spoken about it in real life with anyone outside of a hospital/therapeutic environment.

I can tell you that I would be in this state whenever triggered or threatened by certain situations, I have what is called alters, everyone thinks of them differently, but to me they are the aspects of my personality that were broken off during a childhood of neglect and abuse, essentially they provide a series of emotions like anger, shame, fear, emotion, manipulation, and hyper femininity. I have been all of these extremes, but not like a more stable person (my instinct was to say normal there but with the help of this thread and calina I am beginning to realise that word applies to nobody)

Instead I become whichever of those people my mind tells me I need to be in order to protect myself, I have not seen my aspect of hyper femininity since I got ill as I no longer drink, which was that particular trigger for those feelings.

But I do still separate myself, I can be completely detached and calculating, manipulative and my whole face will change, my body language becomes that of someone else, sometimes I remember what has happened after, but I have little control when in that state, the only control I have is learning what triggers those responses and trying to avoid them at all costs.

But keep in mind that i have an actual illness, so your husband may find that his behaviour or the situation warrants him disassociating himself from a situation, but it does not mean he has DID or that it is neccesarily a bad thing, it is a protective response.

Hope that helps a little with the understanding you are looking for, I think it is wonderful that you take such good care of your partner, just remember that you are not an island, as more experiences come to light, make sure you take care of yourself and your own well being also

No Cailin forgot my new strip not allowed to come off them yet.

Ah I see dotty.

Your description of DID was really interesting antsy. I don't know much about it. Do you dissociate often?

Hi calina

I do dissociate a lot, not into the most damaging aspects of my personality so much anymore, but the detached one and the child, I think.

I often feel this at night when I'm alone, I have this overwhelming fear and anxiety, that is when I am the child, I will spend all night crying and shaking sometimes, I have a crippling fear of someone breaking in and attacking me... You notice that this is about me, my dd lives with me, but to that alternate personality she is of no importance in that fear, she is frightened of herself.

Sometimes I don't really know who I am, I am all of these yet only in extreme situations, so without them, I am still trying to find that core personality.

I should also say I cope by intellectualising (in case you didn't pick that up ) so I am rarely emotional anyway, it means people have power over you

See I don't fully understand disassociation I know from what I've been told I did it as a child not sure if its classed as that when I take off and don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing I often have to bring myself back to earth to stop myself doing stupid things have silly irrational thoughts such as it could be over if I do such and such dangerous places/situations look really inviting but I manage to snap out of it in time. I used to go into what you could only describe as trance like episodes as a child could last for ages.

oh wow, i really did dump & run the other day.
Been a crazy few days, saw gp yesterday. Claiming a me day today with some reading & the laptop in bed. Will post later when i`ve packed the kids and husband off to the park.
Thanks for all the virtual hugs, however un-mumsnetty they may be, I appriciate them. I do have a few RL friends, but not many who would hug me :(

I think it is different for everyone dotty, from what you have described I would say that sounds like dissociative behaviour, but I am not a doctor, it is just very similar to how I felt as a child, except I didn't have the safety switch that most have.

I do know that opinion varies, some people don't believe it at all, some believe it is something that develops in the very early days of infancy, that it is similar to an attachment disorder, I only know it is very real and personal to me, that I understand it and try to accommodate it, but can't control it as I cannot control my environment outside of my home.

All my alternate 'personalities' are protective ones, because I never felt safe, ever... And still don't think I ever will.

The first time I went onto an abuse support forum I looked at the area they had for littles ( the child aspects) and was completely intimidated, uncomfortable, scared and thought it was ridiculous, I can never see myself totally accepting this as part of my life, I keep waiting for that moment of realisation that I am being an idiot and will pull myself together.