Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

NHAN mines been buried for god knows how long I thought i'd remembered at 16 but now have memories at around 14 of wishing him dead yet still cried when he married later that year ?? that was 1985. What I'm trying to say is the abuse happened over a period of time in my case 8-9 years was buried for many more years the memories take time to come out i've found this week really useful really relaxed and memories are flooding back I need it to happen in my case, its part of my journey to healing and will take a long time not happening overnight I think I am finally accepting that after a pep talk with a good friend who has been through it herself x

NHAN most of my memories have come back since I disclosed in October alot I couldn't remember just the basics but I opened the floodgates so to speak, DH had a lovely analogy of it he said its like a champagne bottle you open it and it flows out then slows down and eventually stops.

I'd reply but my replies are annoying people.

Plink, you're not annoying anyone. You're just as entitled to post as anyone else, so please go ahead if you feel up to it.

NHAN, my opinion is that you should write as much as you feel able to write. Don't worry about triggering others, people choose to come here to read the posts and some things you say might help others.

Laminator, how are you getting on?

NHAN, I agree about being present with your feelings, and letting them go through you and be released. I also find they lose their intensity. Distraction and suppressing means they just come back later. I also agree they are feelings suppressed in childhood as a defence mechanism.

PP, keep posting, you are NOT annoying anyone.

Totu, I agree, we can't be perfect. I was trying to be but have finally realised it's futile.

I have also screamed and shouted at DD. I was out of control once when she was about 3 and felt so angry I could have picked her up and hurled her across the room. She suddenly shouted back at me and told me I was being a bully which stopped me in my tracks. I was and am so ashamed of that day. I had become my dad.

I also smacked DD once when she was about 2. Have never done that again or felt the urge to.

I have had thoughts like I wished she'd never been born and that she was a mistake. I've looked at her and wondered how she could be my child, she looked alien to me, not like a part of me. If I lost sight of her in the park I wasn't worried, in fact once I hoped she had disappeared and wouldn't come back. I kept all these thoughts to myself. Never told anyone. But what awful thoughts to have had about my daughter. I was repeating the cycle because I know, even though she never actually told me, that's how my mother felt about me as a child.

The difference between you and your mother though jasmine is that you've owned those feelings and admitted you've had them. Everyone thinks awful things about their children from time to time and most people just dismiss them. When you've been abused yourself it's easy to hang onto those feelings, to feel ashamed of them and to let them come between you and your child. But you didn't let that happen, you've broken free of it, which is a huge achievement.

I agree about owning feelings. I think if you suppress that bad feelings, not only do they come back again later in more insidious ways but IMO you also end up suppressing good feelings too. Over time you get to a point where you feel nothing, you end up being afraid to let any emotion take hold for fear that the negative ones creep in. If you admit that you feel horrible and scared you can work through it and put it behind you. The difficulty is finding space and time to do that.

Plink your not annoying anyone keep posting x

NHAN since October I've been writing things in a book about 3 months ago I stopped because I felt it was to negative spoke about it to my counseller and she said to restart but do it as a journal so I did about 7 weeks ago and some days there's nothing bad but I can look back and see how ill I was and in how bad a place I was in.

When I first started this I told my counsellers and dr I shouldn't have had the kids because I screwed their life up and was a REALLY BAD mother but I'm getting over that. Also I'm so much closer to DD2 now she says its because of me doing this as its freed me. DH says I've brought them up single handedly and others agree with him I don't.

CD, thankyou for saying that. It makes me feel good about myself. I know my mother would never admit to thinking and feeling such things about me. But I know with 100% certainty that she did think those things about me because as a young child I sensed it, I felt it. Somehow she transmitted her feelings to me without ever verbalising them.

Dotty, yes I often think I should never have got married or had children. I'm too damaged and emotionally scarred and needy to ever have any healthy relationships. I do feel sorry for my DH and DC's that they got stuck with me.

PP, where are you? I INSIST that you keep posting

Haha, in bed, bunged up with a cold, gp doubled AD's yesterday! explains insecurity.

I agree with riding out flashbacks, I get a blanket and teddy and snuggle in til it's over, then a sugary and nice music. Classical is very cultural for kids :o

My mother lives abroad but just heard on the news there's a tsunami warning for her area but not sure if she's there or at her step kids. If anything happens to her no one would tell me, I have to stop worrying!

Ugh sorry to hear you have a cold Plink, hope it goes away soon :)

Met up today with another friend with a severely disabled daughter stopped at Asda walked past kermit dress-ups and it set me off again friend reckons I should be getting PTSD counselling for this still not sure I know my Dr doesn't know absolutely everything things like this I've not mentioned as I think it makes me look pathetic.

Why do you think it makes you look pathetic dotty?

Cailin come on a grown woman in her 40's getting uptight over a SMALL childs dress-up outfit it is bloody pathetic

It's not pathetic dotty, it's just what happens when your mind is trying to deal with tough stuff. No one would think you were pathetic for having a headache or for getting cold, they're just normal things that happen when your body is dealing with physical problems. When your mind is dealing with problems, this sort of thing happens, things trigger memories, you get panicky, it's all normal, it's not pathetic.

I totally agree NHAN. To be fair I think people really really fear mental illness. Losing your sense of self or your ability to reason is a terrifying prospect and so people like to convince themselves that things like depression, panic attacks, flashbacks, PTSD etc are the fault of the person experiencing them because the other prospect - that you can just become ill and it doesn't matter if you're "strong" or "normal" is difficult to swallow.

No matter how much people profess to understand mental illness, they still, deep down, think that people can just pull themselves together and get over if it if they try hard enough. My family definitely thought that when I was depressed. They went on and on and on bloody fucking on about "looking on the bright side" and other such bullshit. It was ridiculous, as though they thought I was actually fucking choosing to be unwell. I mean if I could just get out of bed and feel fine, why did they think I didn't just fucking well do that??? They must have honestly believed I wanted to stay in bed all day crying and wanting to die. MORONS!!

Anyway in the end the depression was a very good thing because it opened my eyes once and for all to the fact that my family are, in fact MORONS, apart from my younger sister, and that I would never get any support from them no matter how ill I was. I would get money, and sermons about how I should get over everything, and that's it.

My mother was the best one according to her mothers never got PND in her day they just got on with it, I told her no mum they where just labelled bad mothers.

In her mothers day they would of been put away in an institution and I wonder why I was loathe to get help after DD1 was born perhaps if I'd had a female dr nearly 21 years ago I wouldn't be in this position now who knows for sure.

Here here, now can somebody please find my sense of self as I think it's wandering around the community in it's nightie :o

Ah sod it, I usually tell them it takes one to know one, makes 'em think!

I hope no one minds if I rejoin this thread. I have tried to catch up with the posts.
I have a gp appointment tomorrow so just afer a chat really, to take my mind of cancelling tbh.
Hope everyone is well xx

Why are you going to the gp? I presume it's to talk about getting help for CSA?

Could yu write a list of say 4 points that you could use/show gp how you're struggling, ie panic/nightmares/flashbacks, what help you'd like ie just to talk/referral for councelling/medication.

Welcome back btw, but you can pop in and out all you like.

What things do you want to discuss with gp?