Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Wow I bet that smarted NHAN! What a thing to say!

I'm on duty with the small boy in the morning so I'll have to get to bed. He is a morning lark, unlike his mummy, who does not enjoy getting up at 5:30!

Goodnight all.

Night Cailin.

The threads moving too fast for my poor wee phone. Cannae keep up, halloo evrybodie (scots innit!)

Nhan you've genuinely flumoxed me! I shall have to have a serious think.......may be a while

have cheated and asked DS

"Brave, courageous, intelligent, stands up for my beliefs.............can I go on the computer"

And thats how a child gets out of bedtime night!

Ken it is Plink

nah he just really wants the computer he luffs me. Only spent 16 years training him mind

Am definately off now, goodnight fabulous peeps!

Dotty, shh, slainte mhath tae all and I'm not on the whisky

Morning everyone

I've read the last few posts. I have also worried about not being a good mother. My twins were the biggest surprise of my life. I just could not bond with them at all. I can barely remember their early years. Then I favoured one over the other . I didn't bond with the other twin until he got cancer. How awful is that?

I went into labour after a physical fight with my ex. So I blamed myself for their early arrival (5 weeks prem). In the past few years I've found out they are partially sighted, have learning difficulties and one is autistic - the one I couldn't bond with, which explains a lot I suppose. I've been assured by the very many Doctors I've seen over the years that their prem birth did not cause their problems. It's just how they were 'made'. I am not to blame.

They are still a challenge but I really hope they will not feel that 'mummy didn't love us'. We are now a bonded and close-knit family who love each other. Getting divorced helped tremendously.

Massive, horrible day for me today. I have to give the kids over to my ex. I hate him with a passion and will fret for the entire time they are away (only about 5 hours) but he is their father. He was nasty and abusive to me, but not the children. In fact he practically ignored them whilst we were married.

I don't like seeing him. It gives me a panic attack.

Waffling. Because, well just because everytime I see him I feel like he sets me back. Does that make sense? Can anyone hold my hand today?

I'm here TOTU.

How old are your twins now?

They are 7. Daughter is 8. Why?

Cailin, do you have any comments on what I said above? I'm very aware of your feelings about your Mother.

I'm not that kind of mother. At least I hope not.

Oh god, this is not going to be a good day for me.

TOTU DS has autism he was only DX this year don't you dare blame yourself it is a neurodevelopmental disorder NOBODY causes it, it took the MH nurse to explain it to me before I believed it I was actually blamed by my old CPN as I didn't give him 100% attention we blamed the chord around his neck, me going back to work when he was 3 weeks, 2 falls and his MMR. But he was DX with sensory processing disorder at 14 and it became clear he always had difficulties from birth. As a aside he has had many DX's over the years GDD,complex LD's auditory processing disorder but in the last year he has bloomed and is semi-independent 8 months ago he wouldn't leave the house unless it was with an adult.

Thank you dotty. x

It's lovely to hear your son has bloomed and is semi-independent. My sons are still under the GDD label but they attend a SN school so they get a lot of help.

It must have been hard for you to not get a DX earlier. But it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Sorry, got diverted by toddler and only just saw your posts!

I was just curious about the ages, no particular reason why I asked

As far as I know it's pretty common twin pregnancies not to go to term, so I really doubt that the fight you had caused your sons to be prem. 5 weeks prem isn't early enough to cause any of their problems, so you're right that you didn't cause them.

I used to work with children with autism and a lot of parents commented that they found it hard to bond with their children at first.

I really doubt your children feel you didn't love them. Like I said, a difficult start can be totally repaired, IMO, if the parent sees where they've gone wrong and rectifies it. Absolutely everyone makes mistakes, the people that really go wrong are the ones who don't admit and don't do anything about it.

I'm sorry you have such a tough day ahead. Do the kids see their father much?

Apologies Cailin. I just get a little paranoid. Daft really because I have nothing to be ashamed of and if anyone out there recognises me, so be it.

Good words from you about how people who don't admit they go wrong and fail to rectify it. I now recognise it was a difficult time for me and I shouldn't punish myself for it.

The kids don't see their father much despite there being a court order in place that he can see them twice a week. He used to, then he got ill and has never come to terms with the divorce (I divorced him because of emotional abuse and DV amongst other things). I've had to distance myself from him because of this, like you've had to distance yourself from your Mother. If that makes sense? He was toxic, but he blames me.

Phew. 2 hours til I have to meet him. Time is going SLOWLY.

I'm telling this because I believe it ties into the abuse I endured at the hands of my brother. I went from one abuser to another. Luckily, I got the ex-h out of my life. But I'm still a bit of 'damaged goods'.

You are not "damaged goods" TOTU. Please don't say that. You've had the bad luck to be abused, it can happen to anyone. I know the feeling of being "damaged," I felt it for a very long time, and still do sometimes now. My DH gets very upset when I say it, because he hates me to feel that way about myself.

I often feel the same way Cailin especially over the last few months.

I agree about realising where you've gone wrong and taking steps to repair any damage. Despite all that my parents did, if they admitted that they had gone wrong and said a sincere sorry I think I would forgive them even now.

I'm sure I've damaged DD. I was cold and detached with her, I would get very angry with her, I would push her away a lot and hated spending time with her. I'm very conscious of how I behaved with her before I started this process of healing from my childhood. She has ADD which I've read can be caused by lack of emotional nurturing. I can't change our past but I can determine the present and our future and I know our future is going to be very very different from her early years when I was very very ill.

If when DD is older she remembers her early years I won't deny it like my parents do with me or say I don't remember. I'll admit how I was and say sorry for not being the mother she needed. And I hope DD will forgive me. I have forgiven myself though. I was ill and had been badly neglected myself as an infant/child. Until I healed from the damage done to me I couldn't help but repeat the pattern with DD.

Sorry you feel that way too Dotty and Cailin. Albeit sometimes, not all the time. Let's focus on that difference. I often do that to inject a bit of positivity.

I don't have to face my abusive brother, but I have to face my abusive ex. He makes me want to retch.

Anyhow. I shall be strong. We've had lunch and I'm going to get ready for the meeting (neutral meeting point. I won't allow him in or near the house). I'll update later.

Thanks for listening to me today.

jasmine - crossposted. I can relate and want to reply to your post as I identify with it so much, but I have to dash. I'll reply later. Please take care. x

I hope meeting your ex goes ok TOTU.

I'm so glad that you've forgiven yourself for the things that happened in your DD's early life Jasmine. Like you say, it wasn't your fault that you weren't well and you have done everything in your power to rectify any problems since then. I feel the same as you do about my own parents - if they came to me now and openly admitted where they went wrong I think I would forgive them. At the very least it would go a long way towards making me feel better.

I don't think people realise how powerful it can be for someone to just say "Look, I was wrong, I shouldn't have done that and I'm really sorry." It's a simple thing to say and yet people have such difficulty saying it. Teachers especially seem to have a problem with it. A lot of teachers seem to believe that admitting you were wrong puts you in a weak position. I've found the opposite to be true. The times when I punished a child unfairly (due to crossed wires) or done something the children genuinely think was unfair I've always apologised and said I'll try not to do it again. IME the children respect you more for that, they don't expect you to be perfect and are more forgiving when you do make mistakes. My parents, on the other hand, always had the "don't question me" approach which is incredibly alienating and frustrating for a child.

Sorry I missed this Totu, my ex is the same except didn't want to see his son. His parents did but spent the time hurling abuse at me so I went for a contact centre. A neutral setting with someone else doing the hand over and pick up. Needless to say the family gave up when they didn't have me to hurl abuse at.

I also feel like damaged goods and atm do not know how to rectify my sense of self.

You are a good mum, everyone makes mistakes and parenting is a learning curve.

Cailin, I agree with the saying sorry but people actually have to recognise they have done wrong and change themselves iyswim. My mother has apologised but hasn't changed, although she is now actually trying. I constantly have to pull her up on her behaviour, she thinks it's ok to buy me lots of things but still doesn't engage with me. It may seem stupid/selfish but I don't accept money/material things from them. It feels like they are paying me just shut up and accept it, if that makes sense?

Yeah that does make sense Plink. I agree that an apology means nothing unless the person really and truly changes their behaviour. All my mother ever gives me is money. I do accept it, because we need it, and I think "well, why the fuck not?" but I would much rather the money stopped tomorrow and she started actually giving me time and attention.

When I was severely depressed she went on and on about paying our rent for us. I actually told her I didn't want rent money I just needed her to sit with me and talk to me now and again. She did that a couple of times then she made it very clear she wasn't going to do that any more. At the time she was on holidays from school so she wasn't busy or anything, she just didn't want to. She started on about giving me money again. She thinks giving me money discharges her responsibility as a parent, as long as she gives me money she doesn't actually have to do anything else. In fact, when I told her about the abuse her only comment on the matter beyond "get over it" was that my abuser was in the house because she was trying to make more money (he was an organiser for a company that brought over Spanish students, she used to teach the students). So her excuse for letting an abuser into the house and not stopping him was that she needed money. It's all about money.