Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

But I think the same of mine, I had a breakdown, literally spent months staring at a wall sobbing and pulling my hair out. That affected my DS. It has taken a lot to work through the damage. I have well and truly fucked his life up. I wasn't abusive but I was horrendously neglectful as was everyone I begged for help, a sorry pitiful, wreck of a woman and a child "invisible" to everyone around.

Sorry Dotty, I am a horrendous woman. Your DH is right, as are your DC and family/friends. You care.

NHAN It's tough i've only got 2 sessions left now nowhere near enough but it's Rape Crisis they need to help as many as possible.

Oh NHAN I'm really sorry that what we said upset you. Remember it's just idle musing from people's own experiences, it doesn't mean that what any of us say is set in stone.

Like I said, as far as I know truly psychopathic people are really really rare. It's very unlikely that your son would be psychopathic, because he has a great mother who cares about him. Your ex might be fucked up, but that's him, that's got nothing to do with your son. Your 4 year old is still very very young, I seriously doubt he'll remember your ex at all.

Who told you you would lose custody of your children due to your childhood?

FWIW I honestly do think that if you're sitting worrying about your children and questioning how good a parent you are you are automatically on the right road to being a good parent. It's the parents, like my mother, who are convinced they are "doing their best," who won't hear one word of criticism against their parenting, who never ever question how they do things, that really scare me. They never stop to think how their actions affect their children, or how they might do things differently. They never face up to their mistakes and try to make things better.

I genuinely think that as a parent, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to anywhere near perfect in fact, you just have to be willing to admit your mistakes and to try to rectify them. My mother treated me appallingly but I can say hand on heart that if she came to me tomorrow and admitted she was wrong and promised to change I would cry with joy and forgive everything. It's the very fact that she's not like you NHAN, the fact that she continues to bury her head in the sand and recognise that she isn't perfect, that makes her a shit mother.

Same with my mother Cailin she goes on about how she doesn't know where SHE went wrong with my oldest sister and other brother, and how the rest of us turned out alright. It's like hello you have raised a paedophille for a son but the sun shines out of his arse and you think he is fucking perfect. I will never forgive her even if she's comes begging for it.

I keep breaking mumsnet!

Nhan, what Cailin says, you care, being a single parent is bloody hard, being a survivor is bloody hard, you are doing the absolute best by caring.

If I lived near you I would definately be bloody chuffed to be a friend.

Two fingers to anybody who says you might abuse because of your past.

I'm not a bad mum because I had a breakdown. I'd be a bad mum if I didn't care it had affected my DS and ignored his needs, and now he is understanding of mh problems.

Are you ok NHAN?

dotty I was very angry too, towards DD especially, in fact at times I felt like u hated her, that she was a mistake, wished she'd never been born, wished it was just me and DS. I never told anyone how I felt, not even DH. I kept it all tightly locked away inside myself and tried my best to pretend with DD that I loved her. But I didn't.

And that is exactly how my mother behaved with me. I felt like I was an irritation, an annoyance, a nuisance to her. I never once felt loved and wanted by her. To some degree I know DD must have felt the same with me when she was younger. I tried to hide my feelings but children pick up on these things so easily.

I'm not beating myself up about it anymore. I used to. I feel so differently now anyway. I love DD with all my heart so I'm no longer pretending, my love is real. So I have broken the cycle. Because my mother never even bothered to pretend to love me and we grew more and more distant until we were complete strangers, until eventually I cut off all contact.

And I also took out my anger on DH for years. That was abusive. I repeated my father's pattern. He took his anger out on me. I never deserved it. Nor did DH. I have broken that cycle too by directing my anger towards my parents who do deserve it.

Nhan, how old are your boys? can you get sure start help?

I really do wish I could help you out practically. Is there a gingerbread group near you?

You are doing right by your boys you just need more RL support. Can your health visitor recommend playgroups?

Don't worry NHAN your posts are easy to follow.

I know it might sound very trite but I genuinely think children just need to be genuinely loved and cared for, and anything else after that is a bonus. I try to remember that all the time with my DS. I do doubt myself a lot though.

Something I worry about is being too strict. DS is only 15 months but he is very obedient - it's something people comment on a lot. So for example if he's going for the cat's bowl I just have to calmly say "No, DS" and he'll stop. That's a good thing, I suppose but then I notice that sometimes if he's playing quietly and I say something to him he really jumps as though he's expecting me to tell him off. I really don't want him to be afraid of me. Of course I want him to be well behaved but I don't want him to feel like I'm constantly on his back about things. He is generally a very happy boy so I feel like he's doing ok I just sometimes wish I had some outside source to compare notes with, someone other than my mother. I am so hyper aware of how things can affect him, even seemingly small things that I drive myself mad worrying about them.

But then I suppose worrying is normal for a parent? I just want to make sure he has a fun happy time as a child. I want him to look back at his childhood and think, "yeah that was a laugh."

Jasmine it was DH and DD2 I was like it with she and I are so alike and are really close now just like we where when she was little.

I was actually told I wasn't wanted that my brother was the last and spoilt and that when she fell pregnant with me they where determined it wouldn't happen again I think I was about 7 when I was told this. Remembered just a few weeks back.

Sorry I posted that without reading the latest posts.

I know for sure nobody on this thread is an abusive parent. There's a world of difference between abuse and normal end of tether shouting. Children know if they are loved and cared about and wanted. And in that case a bit of shouting imho does not do too much harm.

All the books I've read say you only need to be a good enough parent. My parents just weren't good enough. Even though they think they were bloody brilliant and cannot fathom why I want nothing to do with them.

Haha I'm on a completely different planet.

Nhan, yep, I've reported neighbour DV. Nothing can be done until something really serious happens .

I also need to stop hating myself, I my be an arse, twat, headcase etc but I'm also funny, empathetic, crap can't think of any more. [bugrin] big headed, self loving and arrogant

Dotty, I was told by my mother when I was about 11 that I was a "mistake." She got pregnant with me accidentally when my sister was only 5 months old and didn't realise she was pregnant for a long time. I wouldn't mind her telling me that she didn't realise she was pregnant, but the word "mistake" has stayed with me for my whole life. How could anyone say that to a child??

No need to be sorry, NHAN, it's good to get it out, if it's helping :)

Cailin DD2 was our little surprise DS was only 5 months old and DD1 3.6, with her I felt overwhelming love as soon as she was born more so than the other 2.

She has always been told she was a surprise BIG difference to me my oldest sister makes a joke about and to her youngest DS that he was a mistake I think its horribly crass.

dotty, am glad you and your DD2 are close again. And your DH sounds like he is your rock. We all need one I think. DH is mine, despite what he's had to go through by being with me.

I wasn't actually told I wasn't wanted, but I certainly felt like it all my life. I felt like I had been born at a bad time in my parents' lives, when my dad was thinking they should get divorced. I felt like I was a mistake and they would have preferred to have got rid of me, and carried on as a nice little family of 4 with my 2 younger sisters who were born much later. I was like the bad apple always rocking the boat and felt like they would be better off without me. My parents turned both my sisters against me so it was 4 of them against me on my own. Horrible. So glad I walked away from them all.

I sometimes wonder if my mother genuinely doesn't know the effect she can have on her children. By that I mean that she doesn't realise the power her words and actions have. I think that she feels like she can say or do as she pleases, same as you would with a friend, and it won't affect us. She can't see that because she's our mother, what she does has a massive impact, much more so than the actions of anyone else. When she said I was a "mistake" she didn't say it in a malicious way, she said it in the way you would tell a friend about something that happened to you. It never occurred to her that because she was talking about me that I would be upset by it.

CD, that sounds just like my dad. It's like he would just say his private thoughts out loud. He told me once that because I have a health condition I would have to marry any old person who would have me, whereas my perfect little sisters could be far more choosy because they were so perfect. He actually said that to my face without batting an eyelid, he thought it was perfectly acceptable to talk to his daughter like that.